Fish Net Stockings

The timing isn't off, quite.
The maturity is inescapable.
My sweetness is potentially sickening.
My predicatbility is almost as gentle.
Bruises - not in the least.

Giving and Receiving

I'm taken.
Play hard to get.
My confidence
an all time
highest or lowest.
The glass half-full
or half-empty.
Digressed, such is the fact from
gravity in spoiling my narration.
In the popular opinion of many -
not all impregnated in thought are.
There is no duress
in vital-signs; which
of yours is junk?
I prefer: no sarcasm!
The jealous monster's closet,
no normal shame leads me behind the closed door.

Inexpensive Crackers

I enjoy the taste of expensive crackers;
I bought them, cheap.
However:
STOP GIVE ME ORDERS!
Insubordinate clown?

Present Day Dogma

Chocolates and things;
rotten (expired) challenge.
Buckets of tears;
piles of socks . . .
pails of laughter.
Rough:
around the edges.
Tough on spinach.

Nothing uninspired.

Silk like heaven.

Money bags?

Princess!

I don't deserve
the baby thorown out
with the bathwater.

I find to be breathtaking
what most people, don't.

Sorry

Headless horses in volume.
A code blue of trifecta.
The human nature of emotion.
No risk?
The derby's nature ran wild on far-gone;
apology.
Time to eat.
Time in the plam of your hand,
safe and ripe:
ready to entertain!
Trapped in heat all to important.
Both a sheppard and in angels
that no mistake.
Misguided judgment.
Misinformed interpretations.
Direction of choices.
No hurt surprise,
worth in saving my breath over.
A class for consideration,
that no avoiding guilt.
Giggling for points.
Volunatry actions.
And involuntary apathy.
I am not a victim
of hell close to
the reigns of fire.

Categorical Change in Observation

1 -You both can of can't pretend flaws that do exist in us all, don't make you more or less then perfect and no more or less than imperfect.

People that strive for excellence / increase their full potential / capacity for understanding and compassion, heighten their awareness in learning new things about themselves and the world we live in, accept the values we create in society as we work together independently as well as in groups. However, not all will become as tolerant or accomplish those things in life that others do achieve for the same circumstances. Therefore, we develop defense mechanisms we're capable of inhibiting emotions, or fail to fully accept embracing, thus empathize with those negative traits. Instead, we rather conceal those in the mistake that our inferiority is unworthy of becoming part in your identity. We become afraid to express our weakness openly and regrettably use them as security blankets. . . when in fact you own the good and the bad as positive characteristics. When you attribute yourself and with respecting others, you demand the best possible "you" in life that only you reveal, all without limiting yourself, your self worth, or your own reputation in comparison. You will benefit in the attitude of a cost to compromise. No price is better then, you.

2 - You can switch 'on' or 'off' the way you think and behave; but not if you believe change is something you'll control or influence in others exhibited "for-you".

Criminal White Noise

Hurry-up?
Yes - yes!
While, the meter is running. . .
cab-fare's are high.
It encourages us to buy.
I'll pay you in candy canes, sir.
An assorted variety of wonderful candy canes,
delicious and sweet.
All about chocolate Christmas bears,
and almonds for charity-like-cherries
full of flavor.
Sounds like a deal;
but I insist.
You must:
accept my payment method.
I leave you no risk.
I intend you no harm.
You see me as the slave in time.
I recede into memory.
I work from memory.
Working from it,
I've already worked out the fine print.
Christmas cards that read,
would you rather drive a Buick -
or a Le sabre.
- Would you like Pepsi,
or do you not prefer Coca-Cola.
You MUST have a choice,
than the less you settle for.
An unhealthy obsession, perhaps.
That the will of gods-will.
I'm travelling on route to the North Pole,
flying south.
I worked it into memory.
I worked from memory.
My Christmas Wish for this year - 2006 -
is a hug from big old Santa Clause himself.
Why must he retreat into the evaporation of a chimney.
That this state of the virus is an incredible smell of irony.
The present state of the virus, is a curious obsession.
For maximum results of a stoic vanity,
undressed not 'naked' only cannot be repeated.
If, naked not "too good to be true".
I keep an eye out on the state of the virus.
Success, comes naturally to me,
not all those as opportunistic per se.
I do not enjoy the company of such,
"strange opportunists"
or how they'd act like.
Ambition - as is in the nature I acquire - of an ambitious independence,
independence - for all my fruit in achievement - forms an independant ambition.
It is this virtue I possess.
My candid future.
No ulterior motivation, from a necessary curiosity.
All I seek to that end.
No indifference to compatibility,
desire in change,
or playing with shoe polish.
A shinning example I've defined myself.
An example of decision with incompatible-opportunists
who've masked their emotions,
hidden beneath the flaw.
That, their apparition is an illusion trapped in thought
because they've fear you see right through
their 'imperfection'.
I kept my eye on the status of the virus.
No more.
All that I intended in such peace.

Feeling sad and blue? Don't wipe out what resemble your emotions best. Face the reality of every situation, and reflect on your innermost thoughts. Just a simple reminder never to stop believing in yourself. - (Circa, 2006) - Marco Almeida

"Survivor Guilt"

The day I turned 18, I was involved in an almost fatal car accident. The thought seems like yesterday; it was a moment I virtually escaped lucky to be alive. As I try to put these thoughts into perspective, today, I'm willing to say I've accomplished myself. Last year in finishing my university degree, and now working full time between 2 part time jobs. One is with Safeway and the other with my parents. The objectives are quite different: my job at Safeway, being, a type of playground for 'kids' that are my age when I first started university and held down a job part-time. As I can relate to that, I cannot relate to the fact these same "young adults" who're aspiring students in university, use Safeway as a place to parallel their habits at school. These employees, don't see themselves as employee's but rather call Safeway (as I referred the term: a playground). For their lack shaped identity, I can empathize with the construction of how seeing the world through their eyes deserves some credit. However, I am also a leader fo my own destiny, and my patience doesn't run thin per se. . . but its enlightened me. It tells me how far I've come. It reminds me of the person I've become, while going through university and the time and effort I invested into it. It took some of that energy in my experience and made things count.

As I prepare myself for my future, I do not wish to waste equality as an issue. The value I see in myself, I protect, with my family who've helped me realize my full potential.

I often forget why happiness is a choice? I'm quick to add how people, generally speaking, bury themselves, and their flaws. . . but no one is perfect! I tell myself to unplug the fear of isolation, threatens me. If I challenge it, I will do things necessary to keep it positive. Instead to digging a grave, and taking my sense of shame with me, I can release it. In order to reveal my true self, I must take the challenge in not burying the negative thoughts I may or may not consider seriously.

Bering self-motivated through ADHD, is a dedication I owe to myself with great success. I ask myself, to talk about making choices what is the cause behind making those choices. The influence I create over decisions in my everyday life are exteremely important to me.

As I prepare myself in moving forward, there is a sense of appealing to ignorance in others that have affected me. Most times, I've been misunderstood in feeling misjudged or treated unfairly.
Some examples I describe of are selfish desires, vaguely interpreted in their meanings, but nevertheless I can admit.

It was at Christmas with a family style gathering, that we were all invited to attend. I arrived with my parents and my sister to a friends house, which unfortunately didn't make me feel welcome. The last time I saw this person, was on my birthday, when we were in the same location at a night club. The individual in question did know it was my birthday, but didn't care to acknowledge me. The previous Christmas was when I saw that same unbenownst subject; with farmiliar face of another female from a New Year's Eve party whom I recognized was in attendance. The 2 left the house unannounced in a perturbed fashion.

The result of this leads me to believe how change in my life has later altered my perceptions of these events in time.

What once seemed trivial to me, now I understand how these are experiences that make me a better person. What once consumed me to the core I've reconciled in spirit within.

Little Hypothesis

I keep myself plugged into a mystery of sorts? I'm not trying to overcompensate. . . in this case.
Quite simply, I have my sense of privacy in life that matters most to me in what I've accomplished. It is a very fine line between fantasy and reality, which I speak of. Therefore, through the destruction and fear of war people are going through in the world today, my place in this life is secure. I can feel safe. I have made choices - some good but none bad - were mistakes that've costed nothing. I learned to create and establish myself. In a consumer-branded holiday that Christmas has become, I'm proud to admit the little things count to me, being, a true sense of what this time of year means. I haven't lost it, nor will I ever.

My feelings and sensitivity as I am, I do accept, and I can embrace those parts that make me who I am. I don't anticipate or neglect myself in a manner of thinking. I care to demonstrate equality in things, without being manipulated or made unaware.

In the future of no excuse

What it feels like to love yourself. The feeling I get because Tanya is with me, is unconditional love. Today, while I was working at Safeway, "Personel from produce phone on Line 1, please." I answer in a hurried pace, "Hello." The other voice sounded as if to demoralize, as though a possessed demon might be cursing back for my poor edicate? I started working at Safeway about six months ago. Funny - funny how things work out.

Japanese Haiku Dolls of Duality

My interest of intent is to share flowers.
And after hours in my vestibule of thought;
thoughts that cycle -
touch and go?
Where my thoughts carry words:
instructions of my own voice!
A nature that monikers
in the duration of time. . .
I change the subject.
I share my flaws,
- a personality so distinct in my character.
I don't hide behind
my insecurities.
After hours, in my vestibule of moniker
the duration of time I changed the subject.
AGAIN.
I'm the centipede.
It is in my style.
I don't enjoy drinking coke
if I have to buy it from
point of purchase.
I pay to the inhibition
of a tambourine's sound.
I play like a man.
I make not an easy victim.
Nor am I irresponsible, pretentious or unresponsive
to accidental tripping of mistakes I've encountered.
All in the effort to keep my head up,
on guard and set free.
I please in moccasins.
As I take my fall from heaven back to a future time.
I have a deep affection for diamonds,
that qualifies in contradiction.
As I collected monster's from crisis.
In this collection of monster's and musical dolls,
I spent far to much time in collecting.
IT became a rather natural habit,
in creating the ideally perfect habitat.
I habituated myself within every external circumstance.
In response to demoralization,
degraded,
or devaluing my chance for freedom.
Defaced of patronization.
Immune to temptation.
Sharing in appreciation as I care to demonstrate,
such this is knowledge capable.
But I spoke too soon in a rush,
can you believe my ineligible luck.
'88' times to be exact,
in quiet words.
From quality I pick and choose my battles.
A refined search for truth in the supply,
of nothing more important.
It is not how you win or lose,
but how you play the game.
A mentality of choice.
A renaissance of agency,
danger and opportunity
to instill the fear from no ordinary complacency.
A kind of driven purpose.
The noble lie.
Monkey see,
monkey do keep secret.
The tables keep turning,
the chairs spinning.
Interrogating such beauty. . .
"Mirror-mirror on the wall" I claimed to have none of it,
without an insurgent of proof for such logic.
Such is being interrogated of beauty in the eye of the beholder.
Such beauty for a freedom in choosing.
Freedom is choice.
Is a choice not 'freedom' per se,
that infuriates the mind of an inner psyche.
I'm obsessing over what answered freedom have I chosen.
In this nest of broken dreams we dance.
In this choice of freedom, no favoritism rests.
However, I must not obsess for an answer.
The most insecure of human thoughts,
are flaws based on emotion.
Yet, there are many thoughts imposed.
Implying case in pain, death or destruction.
Therefore, there are many more important things in nature.
That - that to determine the duality.
I possess no instinct for destruction.
I soon speak, so soon to be spoken.

Casa Almeida

The time, many-many moments I shared. . .
when I once lived on 443 Elgin Ave.
in Winnipeg.
There, I would sleep by our Christmas Tree.
With lights.
And a warm place we called home.
My sister and I.
We'd wait for the man with a beard,
and a happy face.
The resemblence of an entire lifetime.

Renewed of confidence

My soul emanates in the direction
of the star I
was born.
Not one thing other,
but only from which you
are born.
I am there,
not in isolated
alienation.
It is my spirit! -
Rules that only symbolically apply;
- good luck?
As I am made aware,
all these are judgements
that I'm walking through the fire.
An less than over-confident hinted smile I'm leader.
From ear to ear my teeth shinning brightly.
The controversial gypsy pure of sense.
The terrifying defintion safe in quicksand.
A travelling psychic,
an attached ear to companion me in narration,
that nothing will discriminate against
me.
True skills,
carefully choosing your friends wisely.
Not selling out.
A sense of humor.
I will not snub a sunset made of stone.
Naive sterotypes come across only as
Marie Antoinette.

A healthy attitude is contagious but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier. - unknown

Scarface: not based on the movie

For all immortal flesh sealed wounds!
The hypocrites lack of self-control?
However, for face value. . .
- I do not seek a slave mentality.
I followed rules to make it here. -
Such opposing forces;
made for very little anxiety.
I've expressed such a sarcasm of delight,
in survival instinct these words.
Whistling along to the tune of longevity.
Frozen next to me,
in memory
of
inhibitions.

The silence of patronization

How foreign are my inhibitions?
That the rest conceal my true olive-like. . .
taste!
The promise of something better has been
my most request.

Of no empty contradictions;
or illusory objects.

My confident nature is not pretended in fate.

Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. - Ralph Marston

Have you heard?

The shift in attitude is a commitment to excellence.

Experimenting with "concrete magic"

I am feeling - EXTREMELY - extremely tired. However, I have a few thoughts to share. I've been experiencing very different dreams lately. I suppose the medication has some cause. But the dreams I have are not of concern for me. Lately. . . I have realized the value or lack thereof regarding my full potential? It seems to me, as I encounter the place and time I'm presently in, this moment in my history has taken precedent over anything back to the future. That is to say: how much I've become recently! Therefore, some of these are thoughts about nothing in particular. The truth is the mystery.

Rational displacement theory

There are some things that make me wonder, which are good in fact? Trust, has always been something very important to me. It is this issue above all else that trust I deserve most of, from the people that matter most to me in life.

Racism

The title doesn't really justify how I see things that are true in the world.

What the title is about makes me feel inferior. My family and Tanya seem to be the pieces of my life, holding me together? Kind of like Humpty Dumpty!

My story is a half-truth. I understand some things in the world, and some I will never understand.

Superstition Easily Unpredictable

You pout too much;
taking it like a man should?
When your common sense
lacks logic, you can
easily tell the future
outcome fate provides
us with events!
In search of my own
vanity: is where I belong. . .
to. -
I do not lose such:
- ominous presence of thoughts.
Religion, all religion is pagan.
Rather, religion is based on a model of superstition.
A paradox of the method.
In a theory
all require
rational displacement.
A weakened conflict of personal confidentiality.
As I wipe the proverbial tears,
I see fireworks
in my eyes.
No choice in the danger.
The meaning is the method.

Muscular (cold) frowning in time stopped

A wise man once said;
grind the axe before you blow
- your whistle!
The story goes like this:
when the man was asked -
why that is true?
The moral of the story,
is in order to observe
he who is not listening.
You understand the meaning
fully.
It is in the actions,
that one who pretends
the other has in deciding
which is depressive or instinctive.
To my satisfaction greed is not an option.

Silver and Gold

It hurts?
I know!
It hurts.
The personality of letting go.

Cohort of replacements

Griped on reality:
I instruct a fact value theory.
In place of (not)
"selling out" per se?
That, a tug of war
to the top of
the food chain!
Lunactics on the fringe of despair.
There can be hero's in
time that are.
I have the stomach for such patience,
imminence. . .
peace without ignorance.
The will of god true nature without contempt.
All this for the nature; of
change in a music box. -
No greater
- threat.
No matter what
you retire from,
it's what you retire too that
matters.
What is a sociological question.
Green Chinese Madarines.
Greed and arrogance for the sweet nectar fruit.
Far more perfect than that you desire.
Decensitized into
thinking.

Smile I'm Grinning

The question I must ask -
from the time my answer arrives?
The pandoras box!
In fighting the problem:
what object is the base of one's
sexual act. . .
- or
all things considered consent.
The idea of taking ability and
transfering the energy that emits light.
Like, "cooped-up" chickens in darkness,
with bags over their heads.
They heard gun-fire.
They run around,
all of the chickens,
run.
Without their heads cut-off.
Therefore, the original question has altered
quite significantly.
The answer in question now is,
how do you get chickens to run around like they've
had their heads cut off.
You picture the chickens all with bags over their heads,
and you place bets on the winner.
Then, you turn off the lights without ever knowing.
Only, you know all of the chickens aren't "dead" per se.
And, you also realize that they've become aware of something.
The chickens have been taught,
what it would feel like to run around if they had
their heads cut off.
It's quite an amazing thought.
That those poor chickens weren't even told the reason,
they're running around with bags over their heads.
Is only to save them from themselves.
It'd be like whispering into the chicken's ear,
(if they had a conscious).
Listen to me, you silly chicken.
Once I place this bag over your head,
it means you'll run around as though you're head
will be cut off.
Then, in some spontaneous burst of energy,
the chickens all scatter wildly,
like mad little chickens running for thier lives.
They'd yell out in vanity.
"You've taken away my ability to cock-fight."
"You've taken away my ability to copulate with my
fellow chickens."
The chickens, never stopped to think.
They're running around in the dark,
as though no bags exist covering their
troubled little minds.
Poor chickens.
The real ending to this story is the moral.
Chickens need enough motivation that requires them
to feed on false predictions.
Poor chickens.
The secret is not yet out to this riddled population
of chickens.
I grin.
You might not imagine.
I'm smiling.
This mystery is safe with me.
The chickens are in such misery.
Always, the chickens get their signals crossed.
Never, can they lose sight of what's missing.

You know - nothing fancy

Barrels of explosion?
The source of these words!
I've caused;
such a paradox.
I'm a pioneer:
- I dare you,
to do anything -
about nothing.
Are you in the business
of blowing bubbles
or did you forget the words.

Losing Sight

Last night I saw Borat the movie. It was a cross between, "Wayne's World meets Andy Kaufman."

I have not lost my common language for responsibility, my middle name, 'responsibility' is a big deal.

Life is not measured by the breaths that you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. Barrels of explosion. The source of these words causing such a paradox. I'm a pioneer. I dare you to do anything about nothing.

Optimism is the one quality more associated with success and happiness than any other. - Brian Tracy

Seeing the future

Choices unannounced.
You're almost too
sincere; to sound
unapologetic.
There is no excuse!
For an injured vanity?
However, never
have I met
a person whom
hasn't underestimated
my being incredibly
'nice' with incredibly
sharp.
On some
unknown edge
of reason: its
defined my
character.

Sensed instinct of deception

Not to insult the
pretense for intelligence
based on anothers pretension.
I offer no excuses
for living; but the desire
I feel to
feed my appetite.
Hot blooded:
scrap metal?
The discretion from
repitition!!!!!

Red Herring Mountain

The following scripture was addressed:
"Mr. Mountain".
Keep climbing the ladder;
that is until you snarl!
The step will break in half -
or
- the dog will keep you from moving,
while its grabbed hold of your pant leg.
From this moment onward. . .
you are my true companion,
in this house of mirrors.
Truly, yours is a magnificent kind of
intention without such cruelty to things.
Perhaps, it is the distance of independence between
us both??
Considering, that the philosophy of human history
has never been given a ladder to retreat and remove from one
side of the bookcase to another.
The location present in this case and time.
A library of thoughts.
And quite the opposite account of delusional tactics
have been found recorded.
We must be able to correct these problems of institutional
arousal.
Solutions, I credit to the seduce me with great amounts
of pleasure.
However, the bureacracy bores me still.
Therefore, I have no interest to carry the burden.
I've guessed wrong all my life.
Let us invite the black horse to attend a ceremony,
until a later decision can be made.
The horse will signify our communion to the state.
It'll be that way.
In our minds eye.
In possession of the truth.
And quite ordinary in fact.
Like a game of tetris.
Only thoughts combine, to convene,
to persist,
to convey,
to reflect,
to converge,
to convince,
to persuade.
All in the act of courage.
All in the action of a probability to reason.
I have not been hurt,
or felt neglected from my victims.
It is this temple of energy.
The, to appreciate in a cookie cutter reputation.
A tragic routine.
A kind of escape into suddenly sponataneous
laughter and reprieve for nature.
The experience of true satisfaction.
No memory have I sacrificed this event.
The master of my own voice.
I won't allow others
to give or recieve the
worst impression of me.
For rainy days I enjoy to cook.
Recipes of dust clouds.

Zero

Obsession meets change?
Methods in common sense revealed!
It is something;
you wish for.
Passion worthy.
In the philosophy of human history:
and emotions.
- There is one thing
that will always -
remain a mystery. . .
"love".

kicking trash and plastic bottles

This is my own unthreatened
universal scope.
The treasure hidden
within happiness
and fill me in
dark starlight.
An empathy heightened paranoia.
My teeth sunk into my spine.
Only, all these are things I
can recognize.
Prepared to strike
- target. -
The quality an instinct;
a quantifying logic based
upon impersonation
or a slave mentality.
Not to test your
luck or press
the limits:
"pushed".
No missed apprehension or
role reversal.
No pretend ambition.
A fake.
You're a fake, Alice.
A fake.
In the goldfish bowl,
a tale of water.
Blub.
Blub.
Blub.
You didn't drown it?
It scrapes the surface.
A maturity of psychic retreat!
Too scared to stay on as devil's advocate.
To play hurt not the victim.
Independence is the nature of virtue.
Intellect is the voice of all thoughts.
And the cradle to a scorpion. . .
is the candle to a camels back.
Safe inferno,
information to secret passage of the fire.
My whole life changed in an instant,
a pleasant sight of
an entire log burning .

Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. - Lou Holtz

Man of the earth

I've repelled a lot from false:
inhibitions.
Being a person of principle that I am!
This is the reason I present;
such emotions that swirl about?
Premeditated assault on my better judgment -
character profile.
- Below the belt I feel it.
Such revolt.
A title.
Altercations of human nature.
I don't give up without a fight.
I feel sworn to the passion of a secrecy gone blind.
An intense interest.

Fragile Egos

In a twist of fate;
such is behaving for attention!
Complainer annonymous?
Don't motivate me:
I've afforded -
much
- much too many.
Not of my own faults,
that costed me.
One of the worst
Presidents in recent
memory.
Without a moral compass.
Where are you Pierre Trudeau?
A performer of great
courage and conviction.
Sacrifice, "don't take it".
Such happiness guided
in the history of myself.
Filling holes of charisma in.

Spiritual Alliance

The secret of success is to do the common things uncommonly well. - John D. Rockefeller

Contrary to popular belief;
an undivided attention.
Not jumping to conclusions:
condescending
conceit
competition
The cat's meow!
If a tree falls in the woods,
does it make a sound?
Such egocentric energy.
Such fate in the rush of my ferocity.
No dust of an idol.
Without validating the power of consequence.
The moments of a greater refuge never -
leave me
- in denial.
There is no difference in trying. . .
no indifference without pleasure.
Impartial to the bone.
My face is flushed in desire.
My flesh is invaluable to invite.

An unrehearsed deviance

The call of something gone wild?
What name is it!
Perhaps; perhaps the skill of -
design.
Perhaps: weak.
The power of imagination running on
higher inuition.

Importance of Rhetoric in a dialogue

The narrator predicted this would happen;
a great escape from fate.
That the instant amount of time:
would reflect all known variables?
In the universe!
A collection of stars. . .
- taken above.
The heavens -
have created.
In the sweet sorrow of words,
fascination proved me wrong.
The entropy of an inveitable love.
Failed to fake.
The magic of ethic.
A sound of trash in the democracy.
The is a sign of life in ruins.
I've spotted a grease stain,
and its isolated my grief.

Some lack of deception

I suppose the greatest of challenges that lay ahead, are not worth procrastinating about? I don't call this an ethical dilemma or a dramatic life altering decision. I'm just tired of being judged; especially because I've been misunderstood throughout my time on earth.

Of course: this is the paradox. . . do I take some form of intitiative in order to pursue the cleaning business my parents have established - or - go back to school? Not the latter!

I do not feel any ambition for one thing or the other. It's better just not to make ANY decision.

Right now I find myself in a very bad situation I'm facing. Some would think it's good, others would tell me to do the right thing and not realize how difficult a question this is for me. For me it regards so much more than just a simple fact of life.

However, I don't know what to think (which has greater implication) for me.

Personally, people don't care to believe how difficult a decision this might be. It's too trivial to give it a second thought when people have their own lives to worry about. Therefore, I wish I knew the answers, but I have no idea where to turn.

When I attended the social on Saturday night it was as if a flood gate opened and washed away my fears. The fear of being judged and not judging others for my shortcomings. It was a test of when and where I came from.

The purpose of attending the wedding social on Sat. had little to do with any of my present state of affairs. It affirmed the things I already knew. How much I have to offer and why did everyone seem smaller than in the past. It was an indication of my own history.

I kept being asked if I still speak with Edgar. I said, I no longer associate with him. But they already knew this, it was as if to say they knew he hides behind some designer outfits as though it creates his personality. "Hello, my - my what nice clothing you wear Edgar, feel free to walk all over us."

"People change." Victor told me. People of Edgar's nature do not change per se, Victor was referring to a shift in what people realize might be called 'change'. Although, in reality change is much bigger. What Victor wasn't saying kept repeating in his mind. That for some people change in terms of our inhibitions, as Edgar, remained the same. In truth Edgar hasn't changed he's hidden behind a sterotypical role of power an external self-image. If Victor failed to realize what he proclaimed as in his word 'change' requires a significant deal more.

Unfortunately, for the type of person Edgar is he'll never find the underlying difference of the need for change. That is in fact the true meaning behind the nature of this matter. Edgar will only exist as an individual based on how "successful" he is in competing. Edgar, only aims to serve a narrow-minded intuition without the ethical satisfaction or psychological aspect of being himself.

Edgar makes me feel unfortable, but I have the courage to say it. I feel intimidated if I dewll too much on it.

I have found happiness with Tanya. She is everything to me.

In case this sounds like I possess multiple-personality disorder, it has no indication of anything but my personal beliefs. A medium of confessing an opportunisitic message without revenge. It is more of a question about how you convey meaning, without lying through your teeth, as it converts itself into something I find within my silver lining. I call it the truth.


- end.

Charity without freedom

Freedom without charity? That is part of my external conflict in trying to understand the meaning of my present situation in life. The most difficult thing to comprehend is what to benefit from. I think outside of the box, without the mentality of staying within boundaries acting dependant on what others think of me.

I believe I've accomplished a great deal to manifest the true answer to these questions!

Over the weekend. . . I attended a wedding social where many old schoolmates there gathered. Part of my question: "freedom without charity" extends from my observations and what revealed from it.

The entire evening consisted of that group I can attest identify thinking inside of the box. I felt no different around these individuals. I could read them like a book. Part of the crowd that showed up were the "rich kids" whose attention seeking behavior only relate to image, a reflection of power, appealing "look at me. . . look at me. . . I have no personality but I'm better than you."

Some would think I've changed, but not one of the people I used to go to school with that truly think outside of the box haven't changed whatsoever. It was sad.

The moral to the story is somewhat sarcastic depiction of reality that I care about mentioning. The purpose of my adult life was as though acted in conspiracy.

I was only disappointed and with no degree of independence to show for it, I felt gigantic compared to the small assembly of people in attendence. Maybe those whose egos were too big for the occassion simply couldn't fit past the front entrance into the building.

All I know is how history up to this point in time has created many of the answers I saw given that night.

No genie in a bottle

Tanya, I am quickly learning is my one true love.

I get scared. That's what Tanya tells me. It's a question I've now began to realize must come to terms with. I ask myself what the answer is to why? Why am I scared I trace to the potential or lack thereof. It isn't that I lack potential per se, but, because I have "stalled" long enough. . . for lack of a better word. . . remain in the position I am in today. It is a trivial question, through the growing pains of adulthood! What risk is there to fail, if I do not at least try give myself the chance. A success story of - me.

However, as I attended university, have I really failed to realize what potential I possess? The fact of the matter is I must be greatful for the experience. This is my instinct.

I've felt how inconsiderate depression makes me insecure. The bigger picture: what is it that continues to hold me back? A fear of failing? Perhaps. Perhaps, my intuition would be better served if I stopped judging what others think of me, or stop trying to impress those that are subordinate. My own value of things in life.

The feeling I most need gone, is the sense of not deserving what others have. It is a feeling that I can only describe as lack of purpose or desire. A sense of my talent without the recognition, as if I deserve some sort of credit given! The feelings I describe, somehow fail to describe me as a unique individual. As a person who has struggled to find meaning. This is not to be confused with generality; I am not mistaken. I choose to be who I am as anyone else would say. Therefore, the potential I contain is trapped as though in a bottle waiting to be open. I feel the weight of my true self as unsettled, because I have yet to be taken seriously.

Tanya helps me affirm what's at stake. She helps me realize the time is thin.

What must I do to make this a decision?

Tommorow Columbo

There is no tracing the complacency
of happiness; from -
difference of pushing
the limits upon another territory
- with a canon.
From the brief apocalypse:
thought in time that 'no' gift-any-longer
can it have received. . . as to be known.
My only hope is fair?
That in life my name
is honored!
The honor of a hero welcomed.
Such contingency.
Every memory in each moment.
The quality of such ambitions.
Some form of potential inerted with force.
A positive obsession.

Possibly not possibly

I've ripped into an attitude of some kind?
Thoughts of prejudice!
But in loving;
there is no escape.
I can only survive:
if the work of miracles provides me with.

Spooked lucky

het ctfa i nac wims, nemas i eooshc otn oto.

The fact I can swim, means I choose not too.

The way I see things yesterday might not be the same they were today.

The definition of that is its exact opposite: what you may have today might not be there tomorrow.

As of yesterday everything changed. I thought about a lot has to do with fear. I'm not reminding myself of the purpose of the fear itself, but what the "fear" was telling me!

I now realize how fear tells me lies?

It has something to do with failure.

I was tired last night. I grew more tired as I thought about why surviving in this world wears down on me. The experience was real. I felt my sore body informing me of how tired I was. Truly, mentally and from exhaustion my mind did not invite it in. I began to fear it. It made me ask question contrary to the spirit and virtue I possess.

If I were an incoherent psychic

My independence as a 30 year old man, is capable in making conscious decisions rationally, I look into my imagination. The more depressed I become, the more I know how the right path has taken me to get through the struggle. Probably, because of the decision to voluntarily encounter such an evolution, the development I've encountered, and release negative forms of energy from every thing else that considers me. However, not as an individual of particular pessimism. I've become a person that used to defeat myself, set up failure, as 'automatic'. Earlier tonight: when I lost - a personal matter of feeling - I choose to perform my ulterior personality.

My motive here is simple. -

When you walk through the fire - it represents my fear - without laying an egg.

The question is: how did I get it right this time?

when the doctor tolls

When Dr.Gordon told me I should use my talents to be whatever I want to be? I begin to realize why he meant what he said. Dr. Gordon was telling me, exactly what I need to realize. How far I've come with pursuing my acting talent and incorporate it in anything I choose to do with my life.

One of the great pastimes from when I was younger, would be Halloween, when my father would cut open a pumpkin and create the jack-o-lantern. I'd marvel as the hollow pumpkin glowed from the inside with a candlewick. It also brings me to question the word 'potential.'
What is potential, and what does potential mean to me?

I attribute my potential to something that originated in discussions with Dr. Gordon, which related to self-talk. Acknowledging my negative thoughts with thier positive counter parts using the cost benefit analysis.

Today, I can picture myself living with how I feel. Why in the future does bring me happiness! My future reveals a study area with a desk and my daily business. A kind of visionary who acts spontaneously to the purpose.

My strength came through depression I experience; such as the friend I once had - no longer - can make me feel inferior or hurt me in some decpetive manner. For example: a kind of person not knowing what my personal desires entail. Are my personal choices.

I continue to follow my heart.

Where my heart will travel. It will take me there.

The truth is: I'm currently deciding on whether to limit myself in the realm of acting? I know that I am a trained actor, and I am well suited to act. However, in making a decision of this nature how do I know the answer?

I work for little pay at the grocery store, yet that is not enough to survive. Therefore, what must I do? Have I not sacrificed enough? I have little hobby other than watching my favorite football team, I dabble on the Internet about. I could easily work at Staples Office Depot or Starbucks Coffee. I could start my own cafe. I drive my parents Honda. I have no ambition for material wealth but in search for my true identity.

Advocacy on no uncertain terms

Honestly - when I grow up I want to be as obsessed as a fool.

Last night I saw The Prestige. A movie based on:

The Pledge
The Turn
The Prestige

Each of these are illusory.

My hobby's include:
following the Bomber's.

Today, I went to Staples;
and there were computer games there.

Quirky facts:

CRV or Land Rover?

CRV!

Working at Starbucks or Staples?

Material wealth vs. identity.

Time in "bear-country" of a selective memory

I have a list of credentials;
I'm irreplaceable to espouse of it.
Revelations of a once "lost"
precarious nature have
now found meaning!
- Totally blocked from my view:
of respite with one eye open. -
Not an epiphany
per se, I'm
more emphatic
regarding matters
objective of the
heart. Speaking of
my independence characteristic
as irony a virtue and
respect a truth.
Clairvoyant in nature,
I am painfully aware.
A prideful aptitude in my crystal ball,
a gypsy tells its fortune what is potential.
Bite sized bullets.

Tweezers

If there is one thing in life worth experiencing, in my opinion, the concept of true love. Of course I would aim in speaking highly of myself as an idealist of it! However, I came to the idea of the central meaning behind my own. It came into focus, at the age of 30, how this question becomes full circle. The answers were present in context last night as I left a beehive, or in that case, a bar scene filled with youth.

I used to go there quite often.

My inhibtions as they were then cannot compare to what they are now. Today is much - much different, but stepping outside of yourself puts things into perspective. When you regard the way things used to be - depends on what you already thought - in a previous time.

Therefore, the lights flashing on and off, the kids once an age ripe with vigor, I saw what I used to be? Now, what have I become. The kind of individual that seeks without affirmation, but holds my own ground.

As I entered a Tavern, sitting there with Tanya and her friend, an old 'buddy' of mine arrived. After he showed up, we sat, they drank, we talked.

He made me realize how far I've come. . . that one time or another. . . we really never quite understood where we'd end up together or why the purpose of life seems so less meaningful or impressionable up to standards that are illusions. The internal part of me thinks otherwise, and grateful for the experience.

He knows I've changed, but not 'how' I've done anything to change the world.

In a world of exhibitionists, such as the life I used to lead, last night broke myself open. A huge crowd of not yet wounded, but also, naive stereotypes. The ones that are girls and guys not ready to cast a spell worth fighting for, but who instead play a superficial game of chance, only in the effort to see if they can 'score' a pretend boyfriend or girlfriend. And then, immediately, almost as if by intuition or lack thereof, escape as the victims of consequences they don't understand themselves enough. Yet, they feel powerful to have pretended they made passes at each other and vulgar sexual references or innuendo to say: "I want you - you're mine - but we're not serious about it."

When I left the bar, I remembered all of it. As a manner of speaking, after my car accident from 12 years ago. Back then, up to last night, none of my friends knew me. They still don't.

Wasted skinless

This may come across to sound as toothless? But I digress. I work at Safeway. The place is a bureaucratic stink joint filled with hypocrisy and false witness within the confines of a prison set to break its prisoners loose into a new world order of hierarchy. The trouble is I am a nobody. Truth be told Tanya says she's proud of me and that's enough for me to renew my faith no matter what. We understand each other.

If there's one thing I will call "prophetic" about what I've learned in the experience Safeway has taught me? It's me telling myself amidst the short period of time how to let the mind grow, and not allow the workplace as an environment consume me. Therefore, I refuse to back myself into a corner as this explains without getting into detail, the most invaluable part of my character, can be recognized in truth.

The moral of my story: is to ask not why anyone else in my position were fooled into tasting a donut without any flavor and then lie about it.

If someone takes a donut, you are aware it has something to offer.
The donut has no flavor, but you are conscious that it probably does.
However, even if the donut has flavor, why would you be lead to believe the person who tastes it? Do they possibly enjoy it anymore than you do?

The point being that people taste donuts with or without flavor all in the same effort to try it assuming the taste is good? If the donut has no flavor, then there is no purpose to serve the donut that's lost its taste!

My intuition would only reveal that a donut should keep its flavor; not a donut that inhibits no meaning. A great tasting pleasure should always have its flavor - no more - no less.

I will continue to refuse any donut that lack its flavor, and that is how my intelligence cannot be insulted.

Why eat a donut with no flavor if consuming it is unsatisfying? The answer is in my opinion of it. My radiant inhibition in making the choice.

Like the revelation of some pigeon hole or a twist of fate what you find characteristic in yourself. The question to the answer should only reveal, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here is the model: (i.e. a donut 'free-of-taste')
___________________________________________________
------------->Allegory<----------Reason -----> donut "free-of-taste" --
----------------/-----\--------------/-------\-------------------------
----->metaphor - paradox- emotion - desire <--------------conscious---
___________________________________________________

Ice but not ice

Without assuming anything positive about my present situation, I feel as though my task is worth face value.

The situation reveals how much time I've spent considering I trained myself to become an actor? However, now I also begin to realize why I cannot turn my back on making that a choice! It has been very difficult to consider just how serious a position I am in. Actually, trying to make sense of the impartial difference in seeing, what is there left for me to continue doing. The agony is apparent, that my age somehow doesn't reflect where I need to be in life at the moment. What do I do next? What should I decide? It is a matter of taking initiative, regarding my responsibilities and what I make of it.

The dillema has no short term solution, but a long term comittment in terms of the costs and what will benefit me most of all.

Part of the idea would be to take a run at life, move out of my parents home and security, into a full time job working-class lifestyle. Would that also result in letting go of my insecurity and fear of acting? In the real world, my job would have to compensate for my own expenses, I do not want to hold onto the dream of being an actor without any substance for it. That being said, could I turn my back on acting and regret not doing it? Would I feel guilt in the future if I look back on something I should have pursued, if instead I failed to stick with acting as well as the dejection or fear that comes with it? Is that what I truly want?

I would say that I could have both.

Right now I work at Safeway, and leaving this job would have to be in my best interest beyond a reasonable doubt before anything else were to happen. As of now my question really is what about me makes me believe I can be an actor? I made a choice no matter how much or how little I wish to repent for making that decision, I must face it in this manner, and accept it. This has been a very personal issue for me lately. It is something I cannot take back or do over again. This is the most Ive ever owned myself as an adult and taken responsibility. It foreces me to be a man. An honest voice.

I am proud.

I am a somebody. . . no matter what.

An actor is who I am. Nothing can take that away from me.

It is a learned behavior, I seek, to control the direction I'll move in.

Setbacks of a personal nature

I call it melancholy. Some might see it as being depressed? Others may not recognize me altogether. . . what is the reason for this message?

Last night:

I became an instant celebrity. Except no one was their to attend the ceremony.

All of what this boils down to is my life. I feel somewhere between procrastinating and failure. It reminds me of a time after my car accident, when at 18 years of age, my life changed completely. It altered everything. I've become a very - very different - person. Last night is an indication of that changed individual.

However, as much benefit of the doubt I have in beating the odds? My life is in a whirlwind of failing to realize my full value of potential. It has weakened me on many levels of self-esteem, but resiliance as I have made paid off.

Instead, that same person who almost died in the car accident continued to fight (after I graduated and turned '18' and went into high school for upgrading. . . ) in order to attend university. No strings attached. What that translated into? I call myself a 'hero'.

Some people still recognize me.

I work at Safeway and I'm 29 years old with a girlfriend, a BA (degree) and my lack of pride to hold something together. Whatever that may be?

The search for my roots

Today, is a day I look back. . . to my childhood.
When in the hot July days of Portugal,
in the North toward Averio,
in the region of Sever do Vouga.
Where my sister and I were playmates,
and digging out potatoes in my grandparents
plot of land.
We'd dig.
We'd feel together.
We'd be happy digging.
Not even a thought.
If someone were to remind me of this:
it'd be rather enthralling.
What 'if'?
What would you think of doing;
if the situation arose!
A group of wealth-purpose-desire.
Which category would you benefit most,
and some unknown entity pointed in a direction.
"Go outside, there is soil to shovel."
Would you assume responsibility?
Would you take care of point 'a' to point 'b'.
Would you question the duty,
or ask yourself what on earth is this person
referring to.
They possibly couldn't be referring to me?
What a huge mountain to climb!
Could they be imagining things.
Why, is there (possibly) a mound of soil.
That is the most powerful of reasons.
Not to think.
Then you act.
You imagined the soil,
and said 'yes'. . .
I would love to take care of that.
I will do the job.
And you present the idea.
It doesn't matter what the soil is,
if it's there or not.
To imagine the fact were true,
is a matter of principle.
And you.
Yes - you.
Were the one to fit the description.
You took the intiative.
You made it count.
And you among all the others, -
chose to make the choice
- before anyone else could answer.

In flight with sirens

The impatience of understanding
has gravitated
to land.
Through the eyes of this powerful
fish, as it jumps and leaps
through the air. Flying a height
you could reach.
My stomach is of perfect weight.
The intensity of such action!
How?
Adversity reveals character;
that depression doesn't lead to anger.
No:
white flag.
That the movement of time fight itself back,
with a STARTLING reassurance.
If my eyes weren't made out of clay,
I wouldn't be looking as lost.

Scrooge of Netherlands

Self-consciously take all you have and fit it into
the heart of a pumpkin.
It wagered yours?
For a peanut!
I try carefully to make no mistake.
A full detailed description,
my own defintion.
A man of good news,
there is no bad news.
Only the bad news -
is all only good.
The mind of principle taught me such.
How honest my flawed logic;
has lost no pulse to reason.
I have confiscated:
all in custody of a double meaning.
The return of my orange frog
and my dirty sock wet,
a reptile's tongue strikes.
I'm in agony.
The thunder and no pain of my
shrinking violet.
Undecided as me.
Interview of a stooge,
reward - no two faced obsession.
But an unpredictable nature between us.
This is the legend of a European 'phantom' menace.

The skinny (without depression)

Independence is overrated. (Intelligence and virtue)
A chilling reminder of my insecurity. (Afghanistan)
Barriers have been built. (War)
Pellets of water that drain my soul,
raptures the earth beneath my soil.
A collection of beaded raindrops -
forms all I can handle.
When it rains it pours.

Variations of time in prosperity

Breaking the vow of silence;
I work with a liar?
A young man:
who dials 911 before he dies in a rock concert!
That is what heavy metal will do to a ten ton monk.
When this punk,
showed up for his shift.
Something exciting happened.
(It did entice me to deliver this narrative.)
My self-esteem has an upbringing of potential.
What did I do not to cover my tracks from that distance.
No greater of an uncertainty less travelled,
you do not take away from my appetite.
When my blood in the iron maiden.
Where I begged your pardon.
The ballet is over.
Now finally.
The delay of panic.
A degree of depression.
Tragedy its enigma.
Such dramatic opera,
for a melodramatic ending.
I have stamped myself out,
I've also mutilated the cookie dough. . .
with my cookie cutter.
An exquisite routine of choice.

My talent as an actor

The clock keeps winding in all directions of my intelligence. Winding down, maybe counter clockwise, but evidently speaking I move forward from all directions. Like a ten ton weight off my shoulders. A decision I have to make.

I take a deep sigh of exasperation, exhasuted and the air surrounding me adds relief to my very confounding ritual. I need sleep, . . . soon.

I fail to realize what a lonely coward, if in my shoes, underestimated my ability or sensibility. . . I seem to encounter myself with this kind of thing too often. The plot is much - much thiner than in reality. People who put themselves first, reduce themselves, and refuse not only me but everyone capable of seeing things more frequently obvious. Therefore, my opinion is possibly less qualified compared to those individuals. These are individuals that do not compare with me. However, to those individuals my credibility is of an "unqualified opinion".

Today has been one of those days.

I saw somebody early on in the evening. He doesn't say much worth talking about here, but my conscience might do something about it that tells a different story.

As an actor I recall what kind of person this type of individual is in the world. He, who is so obnoxious himself he's too lonely enough not to admit it.

I smile and nod his departure.

I extend my intentions far further than he did ever in his life.

He knows this.

That is the end of my story.

My true identity chooses to reveal character. I'm an interactive individual for those that care in taking part of my interest.

At this point and time, considering how close Tanya and I have become? There seems to me; I have considered enough. To throw away my half of the relationship would be a painful experience. Probably because of my own true feelings, I have an open mind and I'm honest as an individual in our relationship. It would be a bad situation to put myself or anyone else (for that matter) if I were to pursue another relationship as I'm in this one already. Therefore, there is a lot that gives me the strength to continue on. What - yet remains - I haven't decided to sell myself out on anything disturbing my trust in me. That faith that tells me - I have time to consider everything that's given to me.

Tomorrow is Tanya's birthday.

The luxury of time is the most impatient of virtues.

Born again: mentally

I just finished a conversation with Tanya re; depression. Her interest in the subject is related to my experience and I've learned a valuable amount through her teaching. Tanya is taking a class in abnormal psychology at the University of Manitoba. This relinquished a lot about how my historyof depression is treated; with the intent to create a better me, a future, - a future I can look forward to without 'patterns of depression' which may lead to develop negative self image.

The influence I must create over my depression is the courage to own it.

Owning the past events (i.e. post traumatic stress disorder) such as being in a horrible life-threatening car accident alters my human experience and changed my self-esteem. Incredibly. . . I was able to survive the aftermath. Without fully acknowledging or embracing myself in the depression it triggered, caused my inhibition related to these events to turn inward. On the outside, people would recognize me but not how I was affected drastically changed the manner I looked at myself.

The purpose I now have in mind is to correct the negative thoughts associated through depression with their positive counterparts. Not all of me is 'bad' but is also 'good'. Dr. Gordon helped reach this as his diagnosis.

Today, my purpose is to face the fears of judgment based on my own positive self-image. As Dr. Gordon said I aim to please people, but the main part of my character is not to reveal depression instead accept the mistakes I encounter without fear of guilt or being judged. Essentially, I must provide myself with learning from my mistakes and not shatter my fragile ego as result of it!

All these are things I must not overlook but 'sooner rather than later' consider this as a model per se, a method from which I make choices to validate my own conscious upbringing. That I have a desire to throw (using Cinderella as a metaphor. . .) her glass slipper away, and put myself in her shoes. That I am a man who is not perfect, but someone who has empathy and understanding from his virtue.

If I intend to lead a virtuous life = being honest in my abilities, not through conflict. That I can make choices without falling into traps in my own mind. Therefore, I have the will, ambition and determination to find out and solve problems on my own terms, that I can figure this all out in my personal space.

These are not boundaries I require of me, I have set boundaries that I can NOW CONFIDENTLY measure provide everyone else with. It is the respect and reasons I demand from myself of others, . . . because I deserve it.

Satisfaction for a better life.

Only I can make the difference count. I am obligated to make mayself matter more than not less of me.

I must train myself like I used to be a blindman that can now see? Truthfully, inspired because I'm worth it.

If there were a trophy given to me with my name on it, it would read, "Awarded to Marco's letting go of his depression." or "Not holding onto depression anymore." Then with that purpose in mind, I would imagine holding the trophy out in front of me, out for the world to see it. I could think about its power over anything and anyone I conquer? It should act as a symbol of my belief, a renewal of the sort of person I've become. I'd lift the trophy high, and whenever I'd raise the trophy, it'd remind me of my own qualities against any counter-intuitive approach.

Then, I would not challenge the amount of rejection or dejection I should feel. . . instead, I will face it and embrace it.

As I slip out of my bathrobe into a beautiful bathing ritual.

My romantic departure into faithful outlook not everyone can see in me.

Somewhere in this I decree, my quality of life hasn't altered from depression. I see myself wearing underwear with a few bullet holes in them.

Depression is not an enemy that you abstain from as though holding a gun to your head.

I am of a high emotional intelligence, that makes me "emotionally available" and easy to read what I'm feeling. However, people that I know pass judgement don't know exactly who am I as a person on the inside? I find understanding in the fact that because of my depression I've become more aware of it. Therefore, my psyche is less enept from insecurity or self deception and inadequate behavior. I am not decencitized from the limits of my depression, but it empowers me.

I have the right to say 'no' to depression and it reserves me the power to renew that 'yes' I can change. Not obsessed with myself as a latin lover or armoured in self-deception of the depression. But, reflects common sensibility.

Limits beyond measure

I want to examine my full potential, and whether I'm fulfilling my hearts desires. However, a lot of "the indicators" might not answer what that may be? The truth is I don't know how to answer the question! I relate this to my present situation: I simply ignore the freedom to make that choice matter. Which is to say, I am aware only I can limit my potential. I will not ask myself about it. What does this mean at all? I'm just a frog that takes a bite out from his apple. OR -more like the ugly toad that can get away with everything or almost nothing. Well, almost nothing.

It is an unmasked potential.

A kind of certain awarness that costs little and benefits me personally. It reveals how I exist in the world. A skilled "master of society." I will not fail to hold onto my freedom, as I can only cherish it every moment. A mailed letter, signed "the spy" of such top secret information?! The kind of contaminated disease a void I increase.

"Almost There"

It will be mine and Tanya's first anniversary together. It has been an entire year! Tanya has transformed my world inside and out. She's truly become my best friend, and I love her deeply.
There is satisfaction that I have fully been aware has shaped how I see myself and because of our relationship.

When I reach this stage of a relationship, I can say in great confidence, why I look forward to many different feelings associated through Tanya.

-----> I am a good person. <-----

Everything else seems like a mountain yet to climb. I have given this experience with Tanya that we've arrived to the top of a mountain!

Tanya fills me with pride and joy.

I am blessed.

------------
An architect is a man who knows a very little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about everything.An engineer is a man who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less until he finally knows practically everything about nothing.A contractor starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with architects and engineers.

Upstaged Melodrama

You bring it all;
you have the whole package.
Near perfect grades!
(For idiots?)
No man:
is an island.
You leave nothing unattended.
I have fallen into my full potential.
A punchline over credentials.
A pretend compatibility.
The choice made, deserved.
Things can change at any movement.
Discipline required action,
that things can change at any given moment. . .
action requires discipline.
-----------

Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom. - Euripides

Trust in my efforts

I have made a promise to myself, that includes, having "happy-memories." This is the kind of thinking that leads to fulfillment of a kindness that describes me. A 'kindness' that defines me as an individual. Through the worries I put myself, throughout, I have made progress. I must continue to be thankful and find myself being a gentler kinder human being. . . which is all anyone cannot expect? It is my own kindness that gives me strength and compassion I deserve.

I attribute my kindness to many things: since meeting Tanya, my parents, my sister and Dale, my family.

The challenge

I've decided on very little, too little, I'm now afraid of expressing myself? The problems I have to face are somehow less than difficult to deal with! However, the choices I have made created a paradox.

In relation to my present situation, I find myself thinking about what to do next with my life. So much is left to unfold; I remain undecided.

This weekend opened my eyes to a few of my concerns:

1- working at Safeway -

There is nothing terribly wrong in particular with the job itself, the work is easy, it's a matter of principle that's involved.

2- I went to a wedding. . . -

That many people wore masks, the circumstances surrounding this wedding in particular is no different than most. But the purpose of a wedding should be to have fun, perhaps enjoyment, would have been a better theme for this wedding? I did the better than 'my best' to compromise.

3 - I guess.

I guess, . . . I guess the problems I have in life would not remedy itself unless I decide to make he choices necessary. The truth is, people aren't fooled easily, when it comes to my own personal satisfaction or drive or want or need - from desire. I wish I had my own place, or a job I loved to do, or a car that I insure with licence plates that read the words "clever".

What has really got me to where I am, for lack of (my) leading a better life, has nothing to do with how ambivalent I see the world. . . so much. Nothing stopped me from freeing myself, and that is all of my intention.

Slave to beauty

Immuned;
or let the cat out of the bag?
Never (once) has it been told!
That the little secret lives, -
has been lost on simple "the fact". . .
- alone.
Without such claws detached from animal instinct,
one-up-manship.
A paradise found,
in nursery rhymes.

Losing in Control

I've never been consumed in myself,
or misused thoughts. -
Or mistreated in jealousy;
- or not.
The very purpose I find is from desire:
a desire of pursuing excellence,
but more from my own.
I feel motivated,
in becoming something I can honor.
To improve myself without a vanity?
Despair!
Losing in control.

Stuck onto me

I've developed
this: burning
chaos of
urgency!
Act as I do -
independent
- to redeem;
myself better?
Without passing guilt,
judgment(s) or blamed.

Another safeway update

Among the jealous types there are that work at Safeway, there is a high level of conceit in the organization. The seniority of many others that work there make them inauspicious and deceptive on every turn.

I'm only so glad I can somewhat free myself of the burden to express the impact this culture has on me in the environment. My opinions do reflect a cause and effect relationship, of which I feel less candid in describing my tenure as an employee. I am inside the walls of an organization which promotes its employees as next to inferior.

I can appreciate doing a fairly solid ethnography regarding my work with Safeway. However, (what I do not in terms of their disposal) . . . how can I appreciate or learn to thrive on my potential in such a rudimentary environment. I feel stuck in the moment, (as I have made a choice), not that I created any of this! Is it out of my control? I am not absolutely sure.

Obviously, I would rather work in a place with a much different focus in mind, as compared to something I feel indifferent about. That being said; the remedy to such a situation - simply put - does not put me in favor. Safeway, . . .is not a place I want to work or be involved. It is a workplace, whereas if you don't keep your eye on the ball abiding to their rules, you are not welcome there. This should follow why this will give me the off-chance to have a purpose. My goal is to leave Safeway, for a much more intellectually satisfying 'freedom'.

I've made far too many changes in my life, (not that I would allow Safeway) as a job to bring me "down to earth" so to speak. I am sticking to it, because, I can embrace myself better. Which, with all of the courage I can muster, Safeway being the legitimate obstacle I withstand - notwithstanding.

Therefore, I can attribute this as an experience to motivate me and accomplish a goal I will fulfill. Otherwise, the point of committing myself to anything could only be seen as superficial conscious. Integrity is more important to me than most others would consider as less honorable.

In conclusion, I'm glad to mention in all of this how I can benefit - is only due to the fact - I learned what I value because I know who I am. I can overcome this adversity helps to define my character. Furthermore, doing an ethnography (research) using Safeway as an independent observer, since I work there, is not that unusual for me to be aware and be an employee during this time. Learning how to do an ethnography in university has paid off, whilst the rest of my fellow colleagues also suffer independent from my own personal virtue(s). This ethnographic study is a reprieve form the norm.

Sauna in working environments

Turkey's are what dreams are made of;
I carved it out.
In nightmares where the walls caved in,
my imagination lingers onto the thoughts:
of an increase in salary?
Wages, decreased wages!
So in the most perfect of ideals,
when problems do arise,
the need for redemption we find. . .
in which all of us that gather.
Rock climbing compares to swimming,
or charm in a bath filled with bubbles.
WELL - WE ALL HOP IN.
Blub - blub - blub.
What fun, joy, wee-wee-wee.
Splash.
Splish.
Splash.
In the water.
A noble character
notable, noticable (hunger)
as though in my most likely of stories.
In my unlikely identity crisis.
A nature is born unto me.
Some serious cause for concern comes over me.
An induction from
authority or a wrong
kind of insecurity raises issue.
No indiscretion. (conscious)
A smart revelation. (blowing bubbles in the air)
It smells pain.
In in voice, (fear no longer)
recognized in spirit.
It's a matter of
deception that
nice guys finish
last.
Induced vanity,
reduced to nothing resisted.
A sociological contract.
Obligations are feared,
as I leap into the water.
My arms stretched wide open.

Safeway (Update)

I am actively in pursuit of another job at the moment, temporarily my job with safeway, while working with my parents business.

I don't claim I can tell the future? However, I still have yet to hear back from the commercial, which I auditioned for! If I get the call.

The people I work with at Safeway, are under a strict set of rules. It's a hierarchy. I simply maintain my status-quo. A lot of grief is dealing with the protective walls that lead to barriers and function with earning some form of respect among my peers. In such a working environment times can only be as difficult to say the least.

I have a job, unsatisfied with it, and work with people who's only aim is to step over you if the chance can arise itself. Not a word of a lie, but that is where I am.

I try to be instinctive, not negative, but remain focused and positive through the struggle. It is not what I asked for, and beggar's can't be choosers as they say.

One of the "hicks" (we'll call them hicks, for lack of a better word, on terms their place of origin is from isolated communities). The culture working in Safeway is diversified, apparently, not so for these troublesome individuals. One is a male in his early 20's and a female (recent high school graduate entering university). Both are immature, very immature.

They settle for less, being the age they are, makes it stressful. For me, I open my eyes. I can't say a word, or dare I take my frustrations out on a punching bag? No violence. Simple enough.


Otherwise, my tolerance working at Safeway is shaky, my confidence can only be described as terrible, but the experience must lead to further options. My opinion is expressed to help myself understand the situation I am currently in as I face with opening doors, without keeping myself hidden.

I need a trigger man.

Also, the meaning I get to come across here with, helped give an accurate description of the hicks I work with. There are only bad feelings that would come across no matter how I choose. I can only make the right choices for me. The consequences of my actions are better to come apart, if I took matters into my own hands for the sake of not being taken for granted? That is the question I have to ask myself at times, when I feel alienated, or if she or he keep their guards up.

The hicks are fellows that play by the rules for their own benefit as much as I admit they are fools.

He lacks respect for the kind of discipline others might feel, and neglects others in spite of how he might be treating them. At his age, there is no excuse for a lack of being honest. He seems conniving at the best of times.

She has an aunt that works at the Safeway, who helped her get the job. Her promiscuity among the co-workers is not only obnoxious, she needs to desperately be told to grow up.

If you think this sounds absurd (as it probably does) I try loving every minute of it. It requires an attitude adjustment. Maybe, they don't have the same message of disbelief as I acquire? Maybe, just maybe they do and don't care to realize it. There's the difference!

The truth in fact is that they're bigotted nature no matter how little or how large is deeply rooted, and associated with self-righteousness and envy.

20/20 Vision

- Hi:
How do you know; -
common sense?
This is common sense!
Don't be a stranger.
A primitive objective
blind - live - faith
restored.
A collection of sunglasses.
In this place of affection, no afflictions necessary,
and special effects. . .
my job of generosity consumes me.
I accommodate.
Exclusively, investigated bombshells of the opinion.
My kingdom for a horse.
I comprise of privacy no expense for the
richer.
I compromise nothing of myself interest.
For need of empathy I wanted.
And as I acquire happiness,
a piece of heaven,
peace and comfort enter my soul.
To take the place I honor,
polished in thought.
Nor conspicuous in nature,
or hard to look candid.
A postcard written with senseless drivel,
while on vacation.
My teeth by no impartial or impractical design
or method can resist.
I assist in the revolution.
My insistence is depended of a mutual nature.
An agreement accorded.
Immune to the degree of sarcasm.

Risks exceeded through greed

I've put my back into it! -
Not that I please;
- the bleeding hearts?
Think smart about why you act:
and careful how not to play the devils
advocate.
I payback with a crazy lack of intolerance.
An exacted, revenge.
Not lost in time.
A type of psychodramatic universe.
No unbearable false cause errored in wisdom
or common sense.
My being is decisive
not insidious in
nature.
Dismounted and divisive.
Deflated -
accidental.
Humored in this hierarchy,
I do not heitate in selfish communication.
Some of thoughts related to emotional imbalance.
Not uncharacteristic of my virtue or any of this
information in time gone static.
It is mine and my own eccentric in nature.
Greatly satisfied.

Alive in the shadow

It is a commitment of divine interest?
A nature, do to it is divine;
not of divine inspiration!
Like that of a harvest.
And roses:
in a kangaroo's secret little pouch.
This instinct to honor.
A doubt in value not wanted.
That perfume of a ghosts travel.
An uncertain feeling for the drama.
A breathtakingly gorgeous wisdom
through irony.
My honeycomb.
In terms of empathy,
an invalid autograph.
A disturbed motivation,
like a signature on no uncertain terms.
An intellectual curiosity,
hostage for food.
Threat in thought.
On no occassion do I miss the opportunity,
thought in threat.

Pessimism

I really have little to express myself with. The fact is I've been depressed.
I guess it has to do with disbelief. My lack of interest in things.

I did a commercial recently and have another audition next week.

My parents have been urging me to move on with my life. I don't know what to do?

Everything seems brutal.

Varieties of common sense

You think you have everybody fooled.
Blind, never out of danger.
These tears shed of a vanity;
gone between the senses.
The white flag lowered:
I salute an ear full
of.
When balloons travel afar,
high above,
and flying pineapples have wings
that carry on.
The greater challenges of a world
that will not pass me.
As for intelligence can factor
through observation,
whether or not the truth,
truth or not.
The - the reveal.

Wind of Fortune

Water towering over
smoke-screens.
Retrieval of convention, rectified.
The rendition of a relic.
A 30 year old perdition.
This talented and brave theory.
This a matter is conviction,
emotion,
can do no wrong.
There are 2 sides to every reason;
and both sides contribute to my privacy.
No guests:
"uninvited"?
Of whom I'm not,
I've forgotten!
Essentially, out of the darkness
and into the sun,
the vanity in me.
How one can achieve satisfaction,
moral high ground,
to lay a whisper.
A practicing bodyguard.
The license against your own worst enemy.
Reserved for a method,
of natural pragmatic thought.

Breath and rescue

Contrary to popular opinion which I recognized, -
there is no 'I' in team.
The fear of a patronized doubt.
The future of weight, in time,
light in gravity.
The gravity that speaks of ecstatic, elated,
- fantastic contingency.
Walks the distance.
I walked the distance of such
sensations as I watched in rhythm
and sang.
An increased objectivity,
only aware of responsibility (encourage:
free thinking)
Danger - hierarchy.
Secret privilege that makes me feel safe.
A lucky trophy case where all my eyes can see.
Danger in hierarchy where all my eyes can see me;
multiple eyes.
Asking for no sense of discouragement.
The issue arises,
has been its reach.
Forced to start whistling.
The contended thoughts from having pretended.

Parade of tears

In this parade of dreams?
I've set my pieces;
laid to sleep for rest
expressed in kindness!
This open door, the key to
confidence and every consequence.
A condition embarked on:
excellency, not complacency.
Dignity to action created
upon a mystery to honor.
This growth of skin.
I laugh.
The character of an inhibition,
almost invisible
and twice the distance of ones freedom.
Indestructible.
A permanent intuition.
I've stuck onto the direction,
of an urgency.
A plagarized obligation,
of an objective metabolism.
To lose weight in gravity,
without gaining it back again.
Of an immediate intermediate level
for persuasion.
No impartial or indifference instantiated.

Watermelon Heads

Absorbed in gods will with the rules of responsibility;
acting as you shoot for the stars.
This epic thought;
cracking on attributes of skill?
Acting gods will!
The rules -
the rules
- of maturity.
A mental:
cognitive preperation.
To my satisfaction the shoes fit.
I've already ironed out my hardened ability,
through given respect.

Spoiled Milk

How predicatble; is it
to care?
You've set everything:
apart!
A sign of the future
and something else
borrowed. Only in
time remains, impossible.
This karma
smiling above.

The Greatest Spirit (upon a 'whale')

The great whale's spirit;
is of such radical persuasion?
Imagine yourself in a timed atmosphere:
surrounded with water and the ocean
level-floor echoing beneath!
That is passion within me.
The calling of a spirit with enormous density,
a realization of my will and one's authority.
To hear the sound of maximized full potential. . .
a spirit strong enough to reach upward
toward the sky and above the ocean's surface.
Like the whale flips to turn itself over on its
back as its leaped through the air.
And once it touches,
the whale mists the ocean breeze
from its spout.
I've contained myself no longer.
For the whale's spirit is my only equal.
I have set free the mammal,
the greatest beast on planet
mother earth.
This joy I sing,
praise and erected. . .
as happy as a whale.
Is man can it be.
I have said,
enough has been said.
I have said enough.
Enough of it.
It is my personal belief
that inspires me.
Inspired nature that directs
me where I'm going.
To lead I moved ahead
into the lonely abyss
of knowledge (and. . . sadness).
A mirage.
A model of desire.
A method of consequence.
An urge (to fulfill).
A discipline that travels
through dreams.
Nor am I a victim
to such things of parody.
But when you have no fear
of desire,
it is ambition I choose
I chose the cause,
a source of ignition.
That saved me next to
my neck.
So normal as it is discreet,
I will not forget or dare
to neglect the thought.
The amount of messages I received
came in the form of bank
notes.
$ $ $ burned.
Forever.
That money so well deserved as an added
illusion.
A bonus cheque.
I have no motive for lack of suspicion,
ambiguous -
a story of ethical refusal
- and directing shock waves
through replacing my nervous system,
an evident body without it harmed.
A spontaneous eagered response.
Overwhelmed, the natural instinct is to become
not only what you wish for.
A sprouted virtue
contingency x confidence
plan x consequence
analysis x conscious.
The matter is incentive,
to imitate
to initiate
to be aware.
Remembering a time when I felt needed
synonymous with lifestyle.
My presence.
Anonymous yet narrated.
A place and setting.
A pragmatic manner of charisma.
Ritual in divine intervention,
the intention of a spirited nature
and my youthful wisdom.
Only happy like a whale.
A recollection of defining cynicism.
A question of chilling reminders.
Happy flapping baby whale.
I protect - I project
the inhibition of character
assembled in fuel. (Whale blubber.)
Compete.
'Blub - blub - blub'.
A sense of glowing in the humor
of warm September.

(no cliche) Marco; in a faith restored

Everything depends on the conducive timing of events?
A unit of investigation:
there is a bigger picture thinking outside of the box!
It tastes of revelation; -
and tolerance.
The forces that they exist between,
collide hand in hand,
are arm in arm.
An evasive smile
- you can't avoid learning.
Ingredients of an addicted imitation,
my character is revealed into common sense perception.
Fishing for compliments.
My love carried out in this I'm aware of.
Let me be the one followed.
To hide behind my insecurity, inadequacies,
insufficient imperfections.
I love the feeling I get from walking on wood of
a mini golf course.
Limited of the.

Reputation of anomalies

In this sea of self-doubt;
I sense new founded respect?
Probably,
only because of "the place"
that makes it embarrassing to watch!
Like swimming lessons I was taught,
through my own determination and perseverance.
Of a dispatched ambition, behaves.
From altered mind, heart
of body, birth of soul.
Afraid not to look back, -
my spirit in saving face
a hopelessed romantic solution.
- The sublime color of octopus,
busied in emotion, hurried in time.

Falling in love

I feel in love with an accordion.
Each stretch of the instrument;
it inhales?
As you pull-and squeeze
it exhales!
Those sounds are like a tale
of myself.
Of a love gone with personal thoughts.
Of a love with humanity.
Of a love with such dreaming in color.
Of a love with heavy to the ear.

Learned assets of a mysterious paralysis

Prepared conversation in speech;
my thoughts are actions?
Perhaps it is true happiness
as my only guide!
For survived an instinct.
Only a lunatic baptized with
watermelon juice.
Increased my full potential.
Less than irrational emotion in thought.
More than double crossing,
the beauty within me.

Why happiness is the choice

The demons;
that try to inhibit you? -
They are not as aware:
- as you deserve!
A decorative element of time,
assembled into a clock.
Defenseless as a victim.

Everybodies weight in attitude

My memory is one of
karma and remains inert.
Producing many-many miles.
All honesty in my fears are released.
Feel relieved, history?
I vow not to repeat;
no conspiracy of mistakes!
Judging from my behavior:
what to deduce. . .
if done what I'm
thinking.
Its vulnerability in the
process of refining ability.
Its meaning I pursue with
excellence.
I preserve my own dignity -
I've reserved
- not to be avoided.
But the isolation I rejected
from everyone outright.
The thought of such
karma will not knock down
in defeat.
If not compulsory a lie
than a forbidden kind.
As I only have,
returned to the scene
from danger.
Freed and transformed.
For those that rules
do not accept in all its applications.
The matter of boundaries.

Fatal Flaw

The depressed.
I like wearing my sunglasses;
on my head.
To dance and rejoice it.
A self contained hierarchy?
One that limits anything handed to fate!
The:
look into a contrived image of thought.
Saved humanity.
A fire set in dirt.
Censored, the moment of truth.
A purpose of practical proof amidst certainty.

Belt of Ideals

A truth mongering suspect;
taking extra precautioned alarm?
A desperate care of the subjected element:
for surprise - surprise - surprised!
I've given credit but,
never offended.
To separate a sense of humor from appreciation.
A break in a story like me.
Nor chief mentality.
Nor unpleasant.
Slaved.
The flaws of garbage in law.
I didn't think it was very funny,
and I don't believe it was me. . .
trying to amuse.
Such is animation there is no doubt,
I resigned entertained with myself.

Ghosts from Brazil

I don't try.
I sell myself nothing short on instinct:
I now break away!
Taked one step further;
from my favorite number?
How many guessed it.
Right or wrong of me.
Everything, not in everybody,
depends on my miserable interest.
The tinman's loss of a heart-beat,
and the abortion of playing with fire.
Where the fight floats on air,
in flight.
I am up to conscious.
The cell is a prison.
Its paradise lost unto death, behind
bars, and alive as myself.
As am I. . .
I am over the sunshined past - present -
future,
its ended.
The long eyelashes (mine) blinked.
My obsession without having jumped it.
Imagine like frogs - frogs,
teaching you the correct form
or method
for doing a push-up or cartwheel.
I've unwounded me from it,
intellectual curiosity aroused
not from robotic mechanical
movements
but enigmatic spiritualled entropy.
Ethnic, eccentric and
enigmatic of me.
No voids of emptied spaces
I have learned to treat
all diseases.

A deepened breath (in the expansion. . . of my vocabulary)

I've breathed;
and then trained as
I have -
. . .both the requisite
for knowledge becoming
wisdom.
A chime that sounds,
in seeing far few distant
things.
A charm that settled
the threshold for failured/
attempted.
An invisible pain or an invincible suffering.
My "team" concept of winning built
on character, not weakness, but strength.
The unity of spirit revealed (my own)
character.
Myself in the eenvironment in your -
future surrounded.
- Empathy in yourself.
A safer distance next to repitition
I'm not holding my breath in.
I take defined;
the breath I conceal within me!
That in confidence:
I gain (again) will weigh in how
emotions that the soul take part in me?
Its body that reveals charcter, is
my nature,
the force in me.
This, my job.
Be. . . judged.

Fragiled Fruit (firey taste)

The popularity of lemons;
how lovely are they?
The shadows of - of mushrooms!
A shortage:
not from color blinded curiosity.
Pears are ripe as my own -
a hero,
- lucks in its tolerance.
A threshold in experience.
Tired of me.
Too many cooks in the kitchen,
and not enough persistence.
This the size of my vulnerability.
The purpose is to propose,
why the world revolves around the sun. . .
resolved.
A safer distance next to repetition.
Threshold for failured/attempted without fate.

Hercules the luxury (beneath has surface)

Upstaged depression home;
what women want is candid kindness?
A look toward the planted eye:
coming up from the ground like a
ruby!
A crystallized form of electricity.
A personal cohort.
Halucogenic is my skin and flesh,
a conscious kind of awareness.
A type of time between heroes luck myself.