Some lack of deception

I suppose the greatest of challenges that lay ahead, are not worth procrastinating about? I don't call this an ethical dilemma or a dramatic life altering decision. I'm just tired of being judged; especially because I've been misunderstood throughout my time on earth.

Of course: this is the paradox. . . do I take some form of intitiative in order to pursue the cleaning business my parents have established - or - go back to school? Not the latter!

I do not feel any ambition for one thing or the other. It's better just not to make ANY decision.

Right now I find myself in a very bad situation I'm facing. Some would think it's good, others would tell me to do the right thing and not realize how difficult a question this is for me. For me it regards so much more than just a simple fact of life.

However, I don't know what to think (which has greater implication) for me.

Personally, people don't care to believe how difficult a decision this might be. It's too trivial to give it a second thought when people have their own lives to worry about. Therefore, I wish I knew the answers, but I have no idea where to turn.

When I attended the social on Saturday night it was as if a flood gate opened and washed away my fears. The fear of being judged and not judging others for my shortcomings. It was a test of when and where I came from.

The purpose of attending the wedding social on Sat. had little to do with any of my present state of affairs. It affirmed the things I already knew. How much I have to offer and why did everyone seem smaller than in the past. It was an indication of my own history.

I kept being asked if I still speak with Edgar. I said, I no longer associate with him. But they already knew this, it was as if to say they knew he hides behind some designer outfits as though it creates his personality. "Hello, my - my what nice clothing you wear Edgar, feel free to walk all over us."

"People change." Victor told me. People of Edgar's nature do not change per se, Victor was referring to a shift in what people realize might be called 'change'. Although, in reality change is much bigger. What Victor wasn't saying kept repeating in his mind. That for some people change in terms of our inhibitions, as Edgar, remained the same. In truth Edgar hasn't changed he's hidden behind a sterotypical role of power an external self-image. If Victor failed to realize what he proclaimed as in his word 'change' requires a significant deal more.

Unfortunately, for the type of person Edgar is he'll never find the underlying difference of the need for change. That is in fact the true meaning behind the nature of this matter. Edgar will only exist as an individual based on how "successful" he is in competing. Edgar, only aims to serve a narrow-minded intuition without the ethical satisfaction or psychological aspect of being himself.

Edgar makes me feel unfortable, but I have the courage to say it. I feel intimidated if I dewll too much on it.

I have found happiness with Tanya. She is everything to me.

In case this sounds like I possess multiple-personality disorder, it has no indication of anything but my personal beliefs. A medium of confessing an opportunisitic message without revenge. It is more of a question about how you convey meaning, without lying through your teeth, as it converts itself into something I find within my silver lining. I call it the truth.


- end.