Ice but not ice

Without assuming anything positive about my present situation, I feel as though my task is worth face value.

The situation reveals how much time I've spent considering I trained myself to become an actor? However, now I also begin to realize why I cannot turn my back on making that a choice! It has been very difficult to consider just how serious a position I am in. Actually, trying to make sense of the impartial difference in seeing, what is there left for me to continue doing. The agony is apparent, that my age somehow doesn't reflect where I need to be in life at the moment. What do I do next? What should I decide? It is a matter of taking initiative, regarding my responsibilities and what I make of it.

The dillema has no short term solution, but a long term comittment in terms of the costs and what will benefit me most of all.

Part of the idea would be to take a run at life, move out of my parents home and security, into a full time job working-class lifestyle. Would that also result in letting go of my insecurity and fear of acting? In the real world, my job would have to compensate for my own expenses, I do not want to hold onto the dream of being an actor without any substance for it. That being said, could I turn my back on acting and regret not doing it? Would I feel guilt in the future if I look back on something I should have pursued, if instead I failed to stick with acting as well as the dejection or fear that comes with it? Is that what I truly want?

I would say that I could have both.

Right now I work at Safeway, and leaving this job would have to be in my best interest beyond a reasonable doubt before anything else were to happen. As of now my question really is what about me makes me believe I can be an actor? I made a choice no matter how much or how little I wish to repent for making that decision, I must face it in this manner, and accept it. This has been a very personal issue for me lately. It is something I cannot take back or do over again. This is the most Ive ever owned myself as an adult and taken responsibility. It foreces me to be a man. An honest voice.

I am proud.

I am a somebody. . . no matter what.

An actor is who I am. Nothing can take that away from me.

It is a learned behavior, I seek, to control the direction I'll move in.