There is something incredibly unattractive about life, that being, I am desperate for an answer. My inhibitions might seem unfair or too hard on myself for that lack of knowledge? However, I am completely unaware of what I need to do for myself. After 8+ years of doing everything in my power to transform my life, I feel, that I've failed in doing. It is a self-defeatist mentality that seems I am ready to give-in to. I seriously feel lost in the recent episode that is my life. I have done everything not to feel sorry for myself, but to try and prevent this kind of thing from happening. Yet, here I am dealing with my worst fears. The one thing I feared the most, which is, to be unhappy with my life. I have nothing. It is my worst fear come true, instead of the world I imagined that might be worth living in.

Unfortunately, there's not much I can say that puts a smile on my face lately. The one positive I might confess to is about taking a new lease on life? Recently having quit my first full time job would be the reason. On a side note: I took it upon myself to stand on a weight scale. As of this week I weigh as much as I did over 8 years ago. More importantly what am I going to do next? I've tried so hard to do the best that I can. What I feel is completely undeserving, unwanted, failure as result of my efforts. There is no better way to describe it to myself at this point. It is terribly difficult not to be negative during this time; I should be trying everything to keep things positive. I feel that faith in myself is all I have left in me. Nothing else.

If I were to present reality as I see it, I am not qualified to do something that requires skill. My actors training is all I have. I sit here without any satisfaction to lead my life. It is a terrible - terrible feeling. However, I have no choice but to be honest.

I am not going to be somebody who cuts himself short, by settling for any type of job "that nobody else wants." I want to work, but with a clear sense of independence. I care to be somebody that enjoys getting up in the morning. The past 8+years of my life just haven't added up to it, yet I've done everything in my power trying to realize it without success.

arrested development

There are only four questions of value in life, What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.

I simply cannot comprehend myself in such a moment of seizure within my soul. I read the last entry and it speaks so much of me that is true. I needed peace and the kind of self-acceptance that I seeked seems so far out of reach right now? My grief is so intense I forget about life.

Maturity

If I am a fighter, I am not weak.
If I want a laptop, it does not make my life complete.
If I care about the questions I ask, answers do not matter.
If the truth is very confusing, there is still my self respect.
If the worst insult I can think of were true, it only adds to my injury.

All of these are things that money cannot buy.
I wish enemies admired.

I am glad about the things that I am not.
The things that no longer apply to me.

Depression is one of those things.

For the longest time, I was afraid to move due to my illness.
Today, I look back at the debilitating part of my life and it scares me.
I feel sadness and empathy for myself due to the unhappiness of my experience.
Experience which I did not deserve, but failed to be aware of it.

Those are scary thoughts.

Square One

It is hard to fathom my reality as a 30 year old man that I am. The fact for what it's worth is I'm driven more by failure. If the opposite were true, I'd probably be the most successful person I know! On the other hand, perhaps I am blind in when it comes to what defines success or failure as it were. What I can talk to is myself in pursuit of what truly defines my character? Is success the measure of my dignity? What have I hoped to had accomplished in terms of failure? To me, the one true asset that makes me distinct has been my unmistakable character. I do not deny the truth, which is why as I look back into my past, like it was yesterday. My intuition is as clear as a sunny day, when I use to think how distinguished and respected I would become. I would dream of it in such high spirit. I can live those moments as if they happened only a minute ago. Today, I am 30 years old. Now, I live a moment of truth, that for some reason or other hasn't quite happened as of yet. It makes me wonder about where my curiosity came from so long ago. Had it completely vanished that I still recall the exact same feelings as I thought of it some time when I was 20-something? Have I reached my peak?

Through everything I've been through, the assets of such a younger man seem as if this is just a reality check. However, I love that person who believed in what future lay ahead for me. I was a strong, well-liked person, with a sense of will-to-succeed that emancipated the core of my soul. Come to think of it, back then I probably didn't care to realize how gifted a man I would be that could possibly describe such as myself an individual. There is irony in all of this after all!

A purpose I serve is in fighting for what I have never really left me. I can give myself credit for that dating back those years past.

Marco was not wrong about myself after all.

The Power of Logical Thinking

There are some things about life from which I may never fully come to understand. I realize that in order to accept my reality, there is a lot to consider than what may lay beneath the surface. The outer world I live in and make a part of seems as trivial to myself now as it did for me when I first tried to make sense of the world around me, I suppose the real difference being, there's never been one straight answer for what all of this might signify. When I start to think about where I've gone, my thoughts travel instantly to where I've come from. To answer the first part, I must look back in search for my true inspiration to find necessity. This time-travel is not delusional on my part, it is necessary I recollect the past in my effort. For instance, I used to find limitations within my surroundings: as if the external part of my being would only limit me from becoming what I truly desired most. Now, looking back at that time seems much clearer to me than it did before. In short, did my experience not happen? Of course it did! (I was only not aware of it.) My point being questions of this nature are parallel to me without the cost of confusing myself.

This all speaks to me about, what changes have I made in my life that I've chosen to endure. Somehow, the poetry or the acting all mean so little to me, yet I never realized why I decided to consume the depression I suffered as result of many years of self-destructing habits. I need to change my ways, and I did what I needed to intuitively so. My greatest aspirations were ambitious in changing, adapting, transforming the inner part of my psyche into a magical sort of disguise. I was only unaware of it myself - being the challenge I somehow knew I had to undertake.

Today, I can see how important my decisions have become.

I'm reading an intriguing book as of late on the subject of happiness. I believe it inspires me, because I am worth it.

Transition into my livlihood as an adult

The best way to describe the kind of feelings I have presently are in a word: unsettling. It reminds me of the worst parts of my life up to now. Presumably, I could have titled this personal entry, "Transition into my life as an adult: not an easy task" or "Avoiding how to be an adult: the fear of growing up" - or - "No one said it'd be okay to be on-again-off-again: Marco's manual to a permanent holiday" - or - "The Perfect Guide: From past to present everything you need to do but never thought it'll ever apply to you" - or - "Growing up too fast (. . . while you fall behind.)" I have no idea where I should go with this meaning. My point being, that through the pain and struggle I've felt I've endured, I seriously thought there'd be more to my life. However, as is the case I am working in an environment that demands I work full-time hours during a midnight shift no questions asked on a regular basis. Is this to much to expect from myself as an adult, or am I giving too much of myself to a cause that supposedly is a measure of my success? After all, the "privileges" I must own, are through choices I must make + create for myself in society.

In short, this entire entry is either a rant without a trace of satisfaction, mixed together with self-indulgence, self-pity, and boredom.

As of today, the work I do is resulting in co-workers I do not trust nor respect. The managements idea of promoting group-cohesion is non-existent in implementing good strategies among it's co-workers but are blind to bottom-line "low cost" production. In short - my work-place is a monster-monopoly that cares about little else within promoting a positive ethical framework within the organization.

Now, the point I am making with regards to myself as an adult is not to be used vaguely. Nor is it my duty in signalling something ambiguous that really doesn't appear as reality. On the contrary. As I've become what I am today, my message here is simple: do I care about myself enough that my awareness of a situation as in my workplace? The answer is yes.

I want to focus on concentrating on the positive things I can control as an entity myself. It is my right. Therefore, the paradox I'm currently in do I want to be somebody who takes action or the kind of person that exhibits no solution which the consequences as I see them are. This is type of condition my heart has developed no matter how much I feel betrayed with regard to my psyche. In my mind, I have ability to keep challenging myself into moving further ahead of the game, going in the same direction that enables me to turn next. There are no ultimatums involved, or influences that speak candidly to me in my future as an adult, these are some of the valuable things I have learned to participate in without any other reason.

I am by no means an expert in success but know I have an idea about what being an adult entails. However, I am not going to stand by and watch the time pass without my use of discretion informing my better judgement. That is what being an adult means to me.

Outlawed Insomnia

From the distance of the moon,
you might find me waiting.
The glowing light shinning down above me.
A great presence that fills me with delight.
A pale moonlight in the sky.
A perfect taco shaped memory.

I am frustrated in trying to find my place in life. What I feel I've become, doesn't make sense. It's a realization of how the world has changed.

Marco is not going bald

When I think about the pain, anguish or suffering I've experienced, it's all supposed to mean something. The mystery that's unravelled has seemed to be not worth the wait for wear. However, I never really knew what I was to expect. Today, after ears of having been through university made me realize how much little truly materialized. It makes me wonder if I should have taken some time to travel as reward for my graduating from university? Instead, I was eager to be on my way without really giving myself any thought. Therefore, the choice I made was one of relief, that I was able enough to survive the struggles I faced in university.

I remember a time my confidence was met with indifference. A lot has changed since then, and that is the purpose of this message I write. Perhaps, I needed to gain ground upon losing touch with my inner self. I need to reconnect with my soul, that once had so much promise, I literally ran on my faith alone.

Somewhere along the line, I lost touch with the faith I had of myself. It was a blind faith. However, it was the kind of faith that only I know I possess within me.

Two songs come to mind, "She's fresh - fresh. . . exciting." is part of the chorus. The other song goes like this, "This is how we do it - it's Friday night." Those songs remind me of the time I was connected without a care in the world. It's what I call 'old school'. It was a time I felt alive. A time that looking back, tells me I've done a lot of good things in my life. That I can still be that same person, or better still, I am that person. . . the truth is I've developed a change of heart.

My change of heart I'm referring to is trying to re-connect with that time I've lost. I can re-evaluate what I've become today, established with where I've come from. That is an invaluable lesson to have learned.

The part of me that has come to realize I still am connected, is combined with the alter-ego of mine. The part of me that says: I deserve more. The reason for this is my present job. I think to myself, why did I attend university? I'm working for a company I never even heard of, being paid hourly wage on a night-shift premium. What did I do to deserve that? As I begin to realize what my common sense is telling, that the truth is I expected coming from university meant life stopped where my diploma hangs. In reality, I must still work for whatever it is I do.

Dr. Gordon summed it up best for me last week, "Life isn't so bad."

I am having serious doubts about where I'm working, I don't know how much longer I should wait before looking for work elsewhere.

Happiness is something very fragile these days. I'm growing, but less and less happy because of what I see about myself. I don't consider myself 'happy' with what I'm becoming. The main reason for this unhappiness is more dealing with my position in regards to work + identity. I've tried to resist the Internet, that's taken so much of my time and energy that put into it. Now I realize the Internet became an addiction that truly emancipated my weaknesses. I hate the Internet now. It's ironic that this is my only cource of refuge in terms of expressing myself. This is the sad truth.

Conditional Discharge

The choices I've made have a consequence. As result it is my feeling I have taken hold onto a short end of the stick. Instead, I'm working within a company that has just hired me as a full-time employee working on the night shift selection team. All I can allow myself to admit, are due to the choices I've made. Nothing can turn me off from that. It seems as if my bleeding heart makes up for none of it, no matter how hard I wish it could. I rather blame everyone else but me, yet, I have no sense of other purpose in my life. I feel stuck in the direction I'm heading.

Even worse, is that no matter how sad I am about myself, that doesn't change anything. I want to care about myself, without thinking that anything else matters. I literally hated seeing other people that were at a party over the week-end, I wish I could be happier - but somehow I felt forgotten. It was as though I was out of place. I look back at a person I use to be among those same group of peers, and that I use to act without a care in the world. Things have drastically shifted in the time that's passed.

Today I found out that my supervisor is connected to some people who I despise. My feelings of animosity where I work were only reinforced due to this information that blind-sided me. Instead, I must continue to work and earn a living! The members of this company have made it a monopoly. I feel the one true reason my supervisor asked me to work with the company, is due to the fact he did a favor for my dad?

There is a void inside of me, my internal conflict is a void that runs deep within my psyche. I've done a lot of work in trying to escape from it completely. I suppose this is why Dr. Gordon is ready to give up on trying to help me with a diagnosis. During my last visit, all but confirmed Dr. Gordon's intent was to about to change without really updating me on it until the time is right for him to tell me, "There's really nothing else I can do for you. You're reluctance is what's getting the the best of you, there's no more time or effort to put to waste because you've refused to accept the challenge, instead you've calculated everything. In fact, you've made a point of not testing your limits in terms of how far you can reach. We cannot stretch this any further, our interviews are done."

I have no idea how to put this into any other context. Instead, I have to 'own' the truth that I made a choice. From what I observed Dr. Gordon has put himself in my shoes, and he sees I've decided to make other choices. The problems I've faced in dealing with these choices are consequences I am still struggling to cope with.

For instance, this past week-end I was feeling anxious being in an environment of former friends. People I am not use to seeing on a regular basis, as I replay the images in my mind, all I feel is a sense of contempt about those people. I simply cannot believe this has been my 'choice' (as Dr. Gordon has taught me to deal with):

a) because I made a choice follows. . .
b) I must deal with the consequence + result regardless of whether the outcome is right or wrong.

The struggle is completely arduous. I feel no self worth, and my self-esteem is so degrading, I cannot face the people I am filled with contempt for I have a voice that only wants to confess how much I despise them.

My point in all of this as I ask myself 'why'? Why is this so hard, and why must I go through this?

Another example of my discretion happened over the Thanksgiving holiday, during our dinner party. There is a person I dislike that attended the dinner, only because I feel judged by this said individual. To make a long story short, I must for my better sake tune him out. Unfortunately, the said individual I find to be completely at odds with, suggests his behavior serves total disregard for anyone else.

It is this type of opinion I continue to deal with, in search for an answer, but I am hardly able to find.

Matthew Good. Hospital Music.

I have listened to this album in its entirety. Unfortunately, it is the single most pretentious album of his collection in making music. The product itself is engaging enough for the average listener. However, the meaning behind the message as Matt Good would convey as 'personal' or 'intimate' tell a different story. A man which claims he has 'nothing to hide' because he's lying through his teeth about how naive and impressionable he thought of is ex-wife is a mockery of true vulnerability. It makes the music less endearing to the ear. In fact, selling out his fans is the truth in all of this, the ones (such as myself) who've fallen off of the wagon, from what the former mgb-band was all about have all disappeared. Matt Good vanished over night, when he decided it was more important to make things appear as though announcing his bi-polar disorder somehow would save his career. Sadly enough, through the so-called irony that is present in the life of Matt Good. . . it probably serves him right.

P.S. Note: facebook is a gimmick. The machine is called the Internet. You decide.

Thanksgiving day in Canada

There is a lot to be thankful for, especially with the health in my family, we are stronger together as we've ever been before. We are blessed. I am happy about that. I also feel stronger in the relationships I've developed involved with Tanya, and seeing how much happier things have gone in my sister's new found relationship with Chris.

So much of what I've felt recently has taken its toll and to say the very least can only be described as arduous. The tasks I've undergone in order to survive some of the worst fears I've experienced have come full circle. I have gone to therapy in the capacity I need to cope with some guidance given, that I've learned to 'own' my thoughts, in action, as I must fully accept those are choices I make myself. The "I living to succeed" Marco. The Marco I used to avoid, but getting better at least trying to accept things I would altogether rather not.

Before anything else happens between Dr. Gordon and myself, I get the feeling Dr. Gordon has seen the last of me? What that entails is, I'm beginning to think that Dr. Gordon wants me to do things on my own. I suppose he's right. If what I believe is the case, I am merely preparing myself in a context of what I might expect in that case.

I understand the meaning of making choices, even if they are right or wrong, I must accept myself as the beneficiary of those consequences whether I like it or not. That is the single most valuable lesson I can attribute learning from as a human being.

I am seriously questioning my position in life right now. First I take into account how I suffer at my present place of employment. It is a feeling which I describe as discouragement. Through completing my first week since officially being hired; I've witnessed some issues I have with several of the other workers. My main issue is of trust with the more 'experienced' people who've been working with the company longer. I feel borderline discriminated against as a result of the people which fit into that bracket in large part, are also the one's who make more money. Consequently, this creates a competitive environment based on monetary capital which the company induces with an incentive program. Therefore, the incentive program promotes divisiveness among it's employees. Of course, I am no exception to the rules and it is for this reason a sense of apathy is involved within the company. It is also for this reason, those who fail to see this yet demonstrate the idea are not aware of how this affects performance on an equal level. This indicates a lack of leadership within the organization as a whole.

On a separate level, the supervisor that I directly report to has made a habit of giving priority to the more senior employees in the same division of the company I work in. (I make a part of the selection crew.) As of today, our company's incentive program is as follows:

If we select an average quota of 1000 pieces per shift work - without making an errors (i.e. mistakes = miscounting the item) this factors into 20. cents per case. If the selector makes no errors they can also earn an extra 50$ bonus.

What I argue is that it's impossible for every individual that contributes to the company's selection crew, that this entire group responsible for selecting the orders will pick 1000 pieces each shift. Therefore, this follows the selection process directly influences my own potential earning power. My argument is that the senior selectors have made a habit of picking orders (within the companies guidelines) meeting the criteria necessary. As result directly effects my lower picking bracket, and I also argue reflects on my performance. The reason I suggest this is because the margin of errors I produce are at a much higher risk due to my inexperience. However, because the senior type of selectors have made it a habit to increase there numbers of picking orders, my area for improvement is without a doubt lower than expected. There is no such authority to anticipate or manipulate my cause for concern, it will always be indicative of senior selectors being able to limit my own rate-of-success. I simply cannot put it any clearer.
In fact, I do not confuse this argument with my ability or confidence, it only means I question whether working for this company within this structure (the way it is set in MY words) is worth competing in? These are serious questions, that I would consider are infallible.

Especially when you consider how the company wants it's selectors to succeed, this in turn, does not quite measure up to expectations within the selecting-process among the co-workers. Of course, it is a blind irony (. . . as I mentioned earlier) promotes apathy we are unaware of as a group. Therefore, resulting in 'blind' apathy which can be seen but not heard. For example: within the company, there are blind among us leading the blind. I hope I have made myself clear in this matter. Again, I cannot put myself any simpler than that.

It is indicative of many issues present within this organization. It stems from leadership issues in resource management. I would welcome the opportunity if this letter establishes clarity within the company in offering solutions to ratify these problems. The purpose would be to share, and perhaps ratify these aspects in particular in lieu of some verification.

Smile Marco Smile

I had a decent nights work since I began my shift yesterday @8pm. Today is Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, I must confess that the 'taking time to reflect' + 'giving thanks' has something to do with my thought processes as of this moment.

So much to describe in such short detail, I believe I can deliver my message of hope in some former-to-present statement.

The truth is. . . I walked out of a small coffee junction on Corydon. Ave. in Winnipeg during my afternoon out with Tanya. All I remember is exiting the premesis with my natural smile on my face. More importantly: there I was smiling while I witnessed someone in direct view of me caught a small sampling of myself. A portion of my true uncandid self, openly sharing something without hiding any of what I had to offer. Not because the person who was there and saw me, but because the entire moment I had experienced became worth how unconsciously aware we both were staring straight at each other. It really was a neat thing to see myself in such a beautiful kind of space. Even writing about it seems sureal enough to notice just how really special it was for me in particular. I would go as far to say I loved myself for an unexpected visit to my inner-self. A check-in at the heart I knew exists inside.

I heavily gaurd my feelings and emotions in such a manner, I must confess works dead against me. Perhaps, it is the reality I choose not to face fear head on, when in truth, the reality I have to offer is not in vain after all. These words are a perfect example of an epiphany in the life of Marco.

It all draws me back to my week-end, as I begin the week at my job Sun. - Thur. every week.

The flash backs to Dr. Gordon's office.
My mom accusing me of being only filled with 'hate'.
The event on Sat. night which I attended with Tanya.

So much of what I can now know is happening to me stems from this week-end. My mental state is stable as its ever been in terms of coping with my emotional set-backs, which also entail feelings of mass confusion surrounding my outer self.

First: my emotions are completely internal. What happens on the 'outside' is what I cannot control.

Second: My feelings are in connection to the reality that's taking place constantly - on a daily level - though I cannot control the environment around me - what I observe affects me due to my necessary limits. (i.e. method in thinking = cost benefit analysis) In other words, the way I think (e.g. about myself) not only does it influence the way that I act, but also relates to why I feel the way I do. I am the cause of those emotions.

Third: Everyhting I've contributed in making my observations re; ^my first+second 'choices' both are in reference to what I've learned in my therapy + consultations with Dr. Gordon.

I firmly believe Dr. Gordon knows I can take control of my own destiny, both inner-conflicts + psychological well-being, instead of relying on his 'shelter' for my lack conscious desire to make up the effort necessary to succeed on my own. The most practical deviation from Dr. Gordon's practice has been 'OWNING' = my emotions. In a way I've spent the past 10 years (I'm not even kidding here) in attributing myself with such critical thinking skills. I can now say I am willing to take that next step in the challenge if there are many in the road ahead?

Especially due to the fact I've made a habit in avoiding things, I must take responsibility when dealing with circumstances:

a) if reacting to things with the same amount of 'confidence' . . . follows. . .
b) 'confidence' I have in taking place of my emotional self.

Both 'a+b' = consequences. Therefore, if consequences - therefore understanding. Therefore, if understanding, then - solutions.


The main difficulty I've had to face is in search of my identity. The identity I once had, that somehow I must relate to in a caring + pure manner of being true to myself. Those are the emotions I once neglected for fear of pursuing a greater me. This is me!

Shooting Star

When I look back to last night, I wonder about how Dr. Gordon's interviews with me have gone. Dr. Gordon usually directs my attention to one small yet significant detail: "Be comfortable in your own skin." The advice is seemingless, but effective. When I place myself into the context of being "in my own skin" it's been a devastating experience, something I would describe as working my entire life to do just that. I can't say I've succeeded, in fact, I have only failed. However, time and time again I continue to try. Why - why I ask myself.

The truth is in all the time I've been given to take charge in this world we live, my inner voice gives me harsh passing judgments. I must tune them out. Instead, I visualize everything as it develops in front of my eyes. The challenge is reaching within those limits, without pushing my boundaries in excessive self-deception, lies, or doubts that linger whispering softly to me.

I bury last night without a shovel into the depth of my hollowness.

There were two evident things that were said to me, that I felt I did not deserve, but were candid gestures made. "Hi big guy." "Thanks for coming Marco, it's nice to see you." These immaterial gestures were given to me from past figures in my life, after years of torment in being isolated by them. I had not spoken a word to these people in over 8+ years. The thought strikes me as 'unbelievable' but Marco fought long and hard to survive it's aftermath.

In spite of going back to work tomorrow, the past month has been one of the most tiring since recently turning thirty.

Last night was a disaster.

In the absence of glamour

After having spoken with someone regarding how I feel, I'm making a choice to attend a function this evening. I rather not say what this event entails. What I mainly care about right now, has more to do with my relationship with Dr. Gordon.

Seeing Dr. Gordon yesterday made me realize how small I am. For some odd reason, I felt Dr. Gordon was at odds with me? I wasn't sure what to make of it, I'm still not sure what to think. Dr. Gordon respects me, yet he expects me to take ownership of my habits. Therefore, I have no reason to blame anyone - not blaming myself - or anyone else in the process. This agonzing time for me comes with so much unwanted. I never provoked this. Yet, I feel at a loss for words.

Dr. Gordon reminded me that I have a brain to make cost benefit analysis. In other words, I can do things that make me happy in life.

My main obstacle Dr. Gordon would tell me: I prevent my own happiness from taking place.
For sake of argument; I'd completely defy that sense of logic. It makes no sense to me why I would choose NOT to be happy? However, that is exactly what the Dr. tells me. . . I supposepeople would probably agree with him on that . It is fair not to assume anything other than I cause my own unhappiness. It brings me back to square one. What is happiness to me, is independent for everyone. That is the medium of Dr. Gordon's message.

1- I suffer from depression because of it.
2 - Dr. Gordon's belief tells me that I have the ability to overcome it.

My instincts told me Dr. Gordon thinks I can be ambitious. The same reason I do not think I'm adequate to accomplish anything Dr. Gordon attributes to my own lack of self-esteem.

I wish it were different. Dr. Gordon is not a magical wizard that makes my life better. Dr. Gordon has helped me realize my difficulties. However, my visit with Dr. Gordon yesterday was less than helpful. It made me realize where the truth lay. I have realized Dr. Gordon has nothing to do with the truth, he's only made forced me to realize I am the cause of my depression. That my thoughts are the source of it.

I cannot change at the snap of a finger. I am built a certain way, that I will not change. It is an attitude problem as (Dr. Gordon points toward me.)

And yet, through it all, all of my time spent in therapy, all of the money for medication, here I am absorbing it all. What is the purpose I ask myself. What is my purpose? A purpose of exterme unhappiness, is all I own at the moment. I feel tricked because of my own self-doing.

I can't sleep. I'm trying to figure out the thoughts going through my head right now. Life to me seems unfair. It is difficult to cope with the label, "You do it to yourself." that my psychiatrist keeps sticking on me. I hate it.

My past needs to stay right where it is, yet it is ironic that it is because of the past that so many of my issues revolve around the present problems I'm currently facing. For starters, I've been hired "officially" as an employee in my first ever f/t job. My Dr. calls this a tremendous achievement, though, I find it quite the opposite. For some strange reason I feel a void, an indifference, a kind of direct impartiality about what point I've reached in my life up to this moment. I suppose it is in a sense, the obligation to myself, that seems to keep me at odds with my present situation. Perhaps I find it is my nature lay hidden beneath all?

As I look back to the time I upgraded my marks in high-school it was all done for a purpose. My intent was to apply for university, as that's what I naturally saw as my true calling. That was in 1995-1996. . . fast forward to 2007.

Today I am a 30 year old hetero-sexual male, still trying to describe my identity as I've become. Through it all I graduated with a 2006 - B.A. of Arts Degree. I have my doctor to thank for the support he's given. I thank my parents.

These are some of the positive aspects.

Through the adversity what I choose to say about myself means so much more today, than what has happened in the past. I know everything in my past happened for a reason. I could be thankful because I have the sweetest parents in the world, who've treated me with respect, and because I admire them both is what's given me strength.

I refer to Dr. Gordon in light of the fact, I can sit here typing this in front of my computer screen. The idea that I must 'own' my inhibitions is what truly inspires me as of this minute. It captures me with a serene amount of intensity.

The justification behind my premonitions/revelations are in an effort to speak only about myself. As I mentioned before I began writing this, my Dr. taught me, "You do it to yourself." Ideally, this is my release of emotions. Emotionally, triggering the inner conflict within my soul, since I choose to express them here. It is the truth.

I needed this time to take a step backward, and reflect on so much that has happened lately. It's been terribly difficult to make sense of, I have to make this a duty for myself. I couldn't depend on my Dr. - or - anything other than turning to myself for answers. The solutions were in short supply.

I was afraid at getting to this point. A point that I needed to become aware of myself in such a manner of speaking, with the real Marco. Marco and I have been through a lot together in fear of making things work. I am happy to report, Marco and I are married and have plans for bigger + better things to come. It seems like only yesterday when I had no idea where I'd end up, put I took the plunge. The year was 1996. I had a terrible car accident, that ended my hopes in playing football again for the D.M.C.I. Maroons. Injuries I could not escape. The peer group that I left behind, I would describe as over-achievers were a breed striving to be 'Head of the Class'. In today's day and age, I recall in aspiring to more than just status. That time in my life was a about personal growth, in believing there had to be something more to life in confiding to. Questions to be answered in a greater scheme. (I think I was alone in my group.) That time in my life as an adolescent, endearing as it was, became an eye opener in trying my best to relate to what '?' was going to happen to all of us? What would come 'next'? For me, it was seemless.

My lack of understanding what freedom is about, applying yourself no matter what the cost as long as it was responsibly done with good honesty was a roller coaster for me. I was a good person both inside and out, until trouble with juggling university studies, a girl-friend, a job became too much. I wanted it all. I had no idea it was too much for one person to deal with at my age. It made me suffer heavily. Depression from the break-up, not knowing where to turn to, trying to find peace in my life was such a setback. A struggle with keeping my job I was not happy working. My demise from making an impact in my university studies set me on probationary status and I was a complete mess. Years passed. . . I started separating myself from the group I normally associated with. My distance caused more depression, as I tried my best to make sense of it, I began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-depressants. My life changed ever since that ordeal, but there was no looking back. (I guess 'looking back' today makes up for lost time.)

The ground I've covered from then is as though swinging from a vine. I remember a guy named Marco that I wanted so desperately to show could be Tarzan - King of the Jungle. Today, I am not the same guy I was then. Only smarter.

I have been discouraged lately. My mind has been a waste. I've seen Dr. Gordon. Happiness seems I don't deserve.

Ulterior motives. My brain is filled with anxiety + apprehension = thoughts. I feel nervous. My visit with Dr. Gordon tomorrow is not something I can look forward too. I hate my job + I hate myself. There is no benefit to this, I don't know what else to say or how to express myself better than my doubtful self.

It's late. Marco is tired. I had good chicken tonight.

The worst part about feeling depressed is about not knowing why. I asked myself this question earlier today. I suppose it's because I blame myself too often for things. As result, I feel bad about myself (. . . for that reason things that are out of my control are what cause my depression.)

I've always been a person that has put others ahead of myself. This part of my nature: is my most debilitating part of my personality. My instincts are impartial in how I choose to interact with the world, my thoughts + my rationality are what make me 'human'. I care "too much" therefore my emotions make up my self-concept. In other words, I want the experience to be an emotional one in order to trust what intentions are in another individual. for that reason - it is my fear of letting people take advantage of me. I deeply involve myself with my sense of inner-conflict. I describe my depression as a desire to truly express what feel gets blocked due to external circumstances. Therefore, this prevents me - my psychological nature - from expressing what those feelings mean in real time.

For example: there is a person I will only describe as someone I do not care for. To make a long story short - this same individual I am referring to makes me exhibit my inner being with resentment/ hostility/ anger. It is better I completely avoid this person, simply because I know that emotionally I cannot connect with. Therefore, I refuse to compensate for this persons actions - no matter what this person does - I simply cannot condone in the presence of such a person. This makes a part of my emotional self. It is a state of extreme caution I must take.

Everything about this person makes me want to vomit.

As much as I would like this person to change, I continually blame myself for this. What results is that I have negative thoughts that exist, pertaining to my "psychological-choices", these negative thoughts work against me on a personal level. Physically, I cannot connect with this person whatsoever! There is so much mentally going on, that this person I object to so whole-hearted, I refuse the purpose they exist.

On a meta-physical level, people would agree that my own worst enemy is myself. However, I must admit there is another side in what this reveals. In short: the permanent part of my character inhibitions: (i.e. The part of my caring nature = that I feel gets rejected, or neglected is not due to my lack of self-concept.) What I believe, is people over-compensate for themselves (in a manner of speaking) have self-concept without considering the other person.

Much of my adult life has felt as if I'm a stranger, it is a crowded place, and I have nowhere to turn to.

My job is exteremly unsatisfying. Brain is dead. Feel very tired.

There are many parts of me that I only fail to realize are important. Much is left to be desired, I suppose, happen to be the most imperfect parts of my personality. What I begin to realize, is how little I actually know.

This week. . .

my visit with a friend went completely sour on me. In fact: I would hasten to add I thought I was making this visit something worth my while, but it turned out not to be true. Instead, I Was met with insensitivity - followed by a cold outburst of emotion - that I still can't comprehend? For that reason, I alone would probably be better off not knowing.

Therefore, it is up to me from this point onward to reveal some of the things that interact in my environment on a surface level. My position in the company that employs me is not a dream job by any means. However, my probabtionary period has ended. Now, I officially become an employee with earning benefits.

For the most part, I am less happy than I would like to be.

Dedective Disposition

A lot of my time lately I've spent doing deductive reasoning. The search for answers. Some soul searching.

In the context of my dis-belief and curiosity

Today, I missed taking my sedative. My day at work was a struggle. (I made it through arduously.) Now, as I reflect on the day that was. . . it signified something. Yesterday was an equally tough day to overcome, which I reflected upon. For the same reasons (of which I will not get into length upon), I see myself in fear of happiness.

A dream in ecosystem

A dream like
I'm still in it
as though my valley
of the sun.

I dance with no displaced nature, my
taste for appreciation.

My feet not aprehended in chains
of defeat.

That is done in honor.

My sense of living duty-free.

This, my inherent obligation
to exist in time an inhibited outward state.

My spirit is 'consequence'.

Anti-Conceptual

There is nothing wrong in my approach if danger.
My will - will not be broken.
My spirit not to cry before judge and jury.
If false accusation -
heaven and in pride I come to it.

Restrained in Thought

Shadow of my love,
the choice is an adequate sum of my limitations.
Trust, honesty, good judgment;
these are things that I adopt quality of life.
A sparkle in my touch,
I feel will not resist the change.
I do not reduce myself, I appeal to intuition.
I do compare my result to my image,
my respect to my development.
There is nothing I have lost
in need of search.
I count on blessings upon my island,
beseiged in thunder.
I forget responsibility and take no regret.
I have a curious head space
that grows less furious.
I own.
I anticipate the task.
I say I can.

Incino Man

I suppose withdrawal is a factor in my inhibited nature.
I change in the opportunity to challenge my purpose.
I missed in resisting "the need."
Its taken me courage to overcome my many arduous obstacles,
I become a necessity of.
Thinking better as I really am,
I value empathy.

No individual:

- naked - .

I would lie?
I would speak the truth!
My lack of expression;
in my empathy for a coward,
not an enemy.
My intensity is a silent extremity.
My threshold is made of in virtue.
A ring of fire,
flames I stop,
I have ignited,
I share,
I see.
(My dreams) are not of straw-made-figures,
rolling down an empty tin of chicken stalk.
The corrupt are not true to a hero.
I have changed in my approach of such unpredicatble magic.

Unresponding Seriously (Crazy-thought)

My big smile keeps the faith alive.
I've dismissed my melancholy.
I am my equal;
an allegory of my own nature?
I am better-well reminded of the charm
in forgiveness that only benefits me!
My blistering structure of congeniality
is an intellectual image.
My lifestyle is not off limits
as I push-then-pull, shout and scream my way
to the top.
The kind of sale-I-answer
no amount of (money) cash-advancement. . .
pity cannot buy from me.
A vanity I try:
not in feeling alone or to be left out in
. . .the cold.
Making a case for myself as I go must go through me.
The discretion of an indecisive-type individual,
shy in my love,
I direct with caution,
my movements make no room for error.
A vision of something I care to trust,
whereas it seems that nothing is out of the question.
My joy I share "happy" -
happy inside me as not if asleep.
A recognizable obsession, as though only reconcilable,
or for sake of "sleep" is in fact my personal-obsession.
No ordinary love.
Nothing is ordinary of my love. . .
I value, I being worth it.
Pushing my envelope while not preparing an excuse
to be sorry for or apologetic about.
Not sloppy-therapy in my guilty-pleasure.
To this I do defend in my honor.
I am on the other-side of my world.
I'm raising my standard to this I'm in.
I will wait my turn for these hands to get a hold of it.
This my code that I observe in my own suggestive behavior,
I subject to myself.
Such consequence I will not commit to desire or chance.
The risk I have to take is calculated without predicting thought.
I am the thoughtful one of all.
My matrix of this my thoughts in energy.
No mechanical shadow,
I inclined out of me
to decline or dare I declare dismissed of me.
I love winning as much as I hate in watching.
My own sense is of satisfaction in my luck,
that I leave breathless.
I feel that my power to reason has not failed me in response,
or held me in captivity, yielded my confusion left behind,
I look through what lay beneath hidden from view
wielded upon my surface.
My big crazy smile,
I hit the ground running.

I am a doctor

I am the difference you gave me, doctor.
That a gift is of devine intentions!
My eyes shut-tight;
as I listen.
A baptism by fire:
my 'spicy reverse-pswychology' in training?
Setting the boundaries for my maker.
A spirit that sets my heart free.
I am a student that masters the art,
to be-a-man, take-action, as I seek-redemption.
I run, I run, I run. . .
pure adrenaline rush. . .
full throttle. . .
witout the position to compromise 'I' myself.
Time-sensitive are my hands that heal.

To succeed you need to find something to hold
on to - something to motivate you - something
to inspire you.

Tony Dorsett

On the subject of my-future-behavior

Creativity is nothing but
a gesture without any lack of
initiative; my thought in happiness?
I'm equally reminded of my weight!
How, I believe, my "closet friends"
are stuck behind the door.
In the future I reveal my distant past
serves my memory well:
as if Stanley Kubrick were directing my film.
I would challenge myself of no deviant nature present
in my acting habits.
My style is of great opportunity to me.
The script I own has been writing itself for me.
No mistake I've made.
My tender, love, and care.
My competence factor 'x'.
My concentrated desire,
I focus on the fate of my becoming.
My perfect crystal-ball and chain,
why not express the truth I command.
Such as 'eating.'
I do not desire to express despondence in my eating habits.
I automatically obey the rules of digestion in my stomach.
Brilliant, radiant energy of the mind.
My hunger is in my stomach.
Of all places throughout every part of my anatomy,
my stomach is the most seduced of all.
I have an addiction.
My obsession is in the thrill of dynamics for food,
as I am a hungry, hungry-man.
The thrill of my appetite.
It is in my stomach that forces me to believe in all things.
My temptation cannot, must not, ever be suppressed.
Nor, can it ever be oppressed or mislead.
I repent.
Therefore, I seek redemption.
Through such slander or accusation,
I bare false witness to.
Not to push, pull or test the limits.
Character is not a question of my dignity,
it is a victory over high maintenance involved.
My body - is in my stomach - a property right.
As I gaze into perfection of a pond that glistens,
avoid eating foods that will not benefit my weight.
Eating smart is healing the stomach.
My diets should not give me negative thoughts,
"related to anxiety".
My independent survival is not the source for
my own confusion.
My stomach deserves premeditation.
My departure is not imminent,
I do not mean to get hurt myself.
Hearing the sound of my own voice I love.
It is a feeling of personal resurrection.
A choice.
Decision.
Challenge.
A sweet sound.
It is the base of my actions.
In leading by example
not waiting for the truth to arrive.
That I observe in such lazy-behavior.
Making myself think bigger
than I really am.
Made up are my thoughts that I am worthy of.
I have made up my mind.
That, I truly I am not unworthy.
The end of my story begins again, and again, and again.
As I keep myself alive and well with the sedation of good-coffee.
I have an untiring persuasion.
A paranoid threshold of intolerance lacking in defeat.
That competetive spirit I force to feed,
the mouth of unparalled yet equal conceit.
This is the nature of my plot,
my story,
requires me to finish in its replenishment.

The asking price

In the name of human error;
I fight for every inch?
Answering my critic!
Reasonably adaquate,
my self-esteem.
I have no indifference to
my solution of protesting-intuition.
My distinction.
My character.
My personality.
With nothing to lose I cut my losses.
No demeaning my redemption.
Not in losing my mind.
Patience is my only virtue unknown to man.
In practice I participate its personal-reward to me.

My Silent Treatment

I do not believe that myth;
make legend?
There is no limit to such:
is my redemption!
I breath with all my joy
and sorrow for its inception
of a happiness in potential.
My carousel of thoughts held between
my sealed lips.
Burning in my mind is the desire.
Revelation.

Winners take time to relish their work, knowing
that scaling the mountain is what makes the view so
exhilerating.

- Denis Waitley

Why I co-operate

Known in the paradise of grapes;
these are my words of caution?
Procedure and to protect I serve,
prevention and contempt!
To rise from beneath the ashes I left behind,
my heart I lift divine.
It reveals my character - truly:
as I learn in letting go.
I address my fear with a survival instinct.
That for I helps me feel the fear and do it anyway.
Thoughts of dreams I become a hero
as I a champion.
My dreams of thoughts.
My potential will not escape me, and the
truth I shall not evade.
To get my full value,
they shall dig for me my grave.
That I weigh the truth,
and color my dreams.

Not about my awareness

Confidence of tears and joy:
eaten alive.
No one wants to do your work for you.
What the old man failed
to figure out,
but failed to accomplish.
My accountability is common sense.
Happy, staying alive.
Content in my volume.
My cause, I play no pretend
course of attitude in trust.
I can feel a calm surrender in my authority
of the truth.
The logic of all my dreams in my secret forest;
an intoxicating blend as time runs through my veins.
I ellicit this as a crazy response!
Without my self-defeat?
It is I in my future.

Instinctive Model

I mean to say nicer things about me
in this weather of my dreams.
Shattered with pride in its glory.
I give the need deep in my heart.
Not a spec of dust on the canvas.
It emits sunshine,
a light from high above.
My curiosity has risen to the storm.
Tranquility running through my veins.
Waiting in the chaos,
petrified in the shadow.

What I am Not

I'm not a crook in my eyes.
The sense of divine-inspiration.
My divine-intervention in thoughts.
Of no gain in monetary wealth or stature.
What is my purpose if not then,
to serve. . .
my bond I own.
I share.
I serve my source for divine-inspiration.
I model of my divine-intervention
that out-sources my material-nature
as a whole.
Spiritually spoken I out-source.
I expect an intensity that not
deteriorates, not that it diminshes in its morality.
I anticipate the need for respect.
I hold time still.

In the valley of my eucalyptus

Washed clean the eyes of my taking-breath.
The most powerful knowledge in the universe is my heart.
Time is not constrained no restraining it.
Truth and solitude are my companion;
to help wipe away my tears?
The healing power:
no-desperation!
I'm not hard done by,
pressed for the luck of my sensitivity.
The vulnerability of my luck.
Because I care, only.
Not torn in the thought I squeeze out from within
the depths of soul-myself.
As quick as an eye drops in thought,
as free as gossip.
Not as easy screaming the charge-false,
this strain I feel.
Out in the open, more
than a million.
I find it in me, a charming difference.
Safely, in assuming my nature is its own reward
that-is.
Playing nice no restless warrior-king myself
king warrior.
Necessary, room-to-burn conduction.
Combustion but not empty-hearted.
I over-analyze in what I say with flowers.

A psychotic paranoia

Nothing, can I be replaced that is complicating my warm sense of
spirit.
I seek retribution, redeemed.
Meaning in Valentines Day.
My priority in the truth;
The politeia in poesi: a political word.
A complimentary commitment,
the prudential address for my valentine!
I face the currency of time, I face the music,
I face my love in poetry.

Dealing with an intrusion of no peculiarity,
dismissing or applicable of thought?
Such common sense attributes the ownership I express.
Ownership, exposes what reveals a reflection of the self
in I am me.
An adulterated audit of this my narrative.

What is my courage is to predictability.
What my hope is to reason.
What my understanding is to privilege.
What my decisions is to no one is bigger than I am a man.
What my paranoia is to superstition.

Valentines Day in theory, bricks, pianos, struck
by lightning I think does not worry me.
Love, is not too much of bribery.
Divine-love is no conspiracy to of me.
The maze is a labyrinth of thought.
I consist to conjest in its repetition.

I Riddle Me

That I appear confident and strong in my
power bold and beautiful.
I am not going to refuse fate or destiny;
I am not a fake!
I am not a punitive favor?
Three strikes I'm in-not-out.
An adult audited narrative that I compose,
which no one is bigger than I am a man.
My double.
I am not unreasonable to cover its speeding.
What I have in loyalty is to honor.
Is in my royalty.
The imbalance of another person, I want more
of my own balance.
Not an imbalancing-act per se.
There's no other way when it comes to the truth.
I keep the door shut tight.
What it comes to an end if for.
A successful romantic if its for.
Reprehensible my need.

My good heart of a revival benefiting-cost.
This in my good secular heart in being.
My secular being is in its order.
My common sense in of which the I can trust only.

Without such misplacement or the error in my judgment
displaced, I will learn having survived to its decree.
This my revelation of thought
in a challenging common sense
of contradiction.
Change-of-chains in a ring.

I will not set myself-up for such is failure
upon my personal confession.
In my warm gentle winter breeze
thoughts can escape to.

My memory is taken to the point of its revival.
Conscious operating values.
Monetary gain.
No loss in profits.
There is no change in memory over guilt or remorse.
My thespian and stoic device moving backwards in time,
reserved and reversed.

The noblest search is the search for excellence.
- Lyndon B. Johnson

A Real Man

Where there is clear;
extreme danger
present!
When facing the truth:
over sighted?
Perhaps my mind is split-in-two.
A polarity that simultaneously exists
between paranoia and superstition.
Where the matador meets its target,
then staking the ferocious bull
Senhor matador realizes purpose.
A purpose to remain faithful to his lover of choice,
Only the kind of love one has in such thoughts.
To seize the raging bull is the meaning behind the purpose.
From the time the matador raises its weapon,
enraged the bull has met its target
but alas – nothing can change its destiny.
The matador has met its match.
The melancholy of the bull begins to dwindle.
No longer is the bull a target,
The bull was never aware of it.
that the matador was gentle in its execution,
probably graceful, peaceful, does the matador stand as a symbol.
this story between the matador and the bull,
Is one where the spirit dwells.
It is not barbaric, killing, or about violence.
We live emancipated in our own dwelling place.
Such as in the ring of matador and beast upon spectators observe
as theatre.
The stage is filled with paranoia and superstition of what could happen,
should it end – or would it reveal something.
If paranoia parodies the matador and superstition satires the bull,
the matador produces a feeling of honor is to its lover, the love is infallible.
The bull compares to a superstitious type of matron, unaware of itself, untamed.
The superstition is why the bull reacts to the matador.
As the matador approaches, the bull has no sight.
The-vision of a bull and its matador is one of unification,
inquisitive expressions in excessive fear with force of the-bull represents.

In the discretion of humanity

The rich getting richer;
and the poor get poorer?
In the sad emergence of time!
A mystery of the soul is not to be avoided:
a gift of love is where help is close to home.
My decision.

An evasive defending decision-making

This personal obession that stretched as a hobby;
my hobby is a personal obsession
of secular-balance?
No one is bigger or better than I!
The truth known is unto me,
in-best decisions that I make for myself.
No better lack of intolerance.
Bonanza straight in the eye - I
give me:
a head start.
No excess weight in motion
on the other side of the world.
Meticulously arranged in a well balanced
order of time.
A change where when things will go my way
in secret.
A pretensious fool unadulterated in no-mans-land.
Turned away from thought.
2nd in command what once was lost can
now be found unmiserable not used.
A loyal hijacking in the air
this the mysterious surrounding scenery
of an outlaw with the-right-idea in mind.
Living beside myself trying not to reach out.
Leaving the parrot hanging in its cell.
I am not ready to think twice or worry about the weather.
I feel prepared.
The true color of dreams,
speechless as I listen.
A privilege taking it to the edge of the line.
I trace my thoughts on the outside to join the
inner circle
to reveal what it feels of.
All a part of the plan I had.
Where there is no truth,
intrigue is not possible.
What ignites bigotry is error in the truth.
My self-esteem can test.
I shall only not be resisted.

Applying Mouth Wash

Innate
Natural
Thinking
Intelligence
Potential
These are the things I
associate with feeling.
I heal.
Its open to such other things,
opportunity, creativity,
organization, and
productivity.
It is the I must convey;
no over-acheiving model of my
grandiosity?
The future:
is now here in waiting!
A whisper in my mind.
In between its dwelling.
I am in turn.
In turn I am a willing participant.
I am a full willing participant in its turn.
Not required to be anxious in the interest
of such evil thoughts that legalized end for divorce.
A hot craft I more than deserve better.
Better I deserve.
I do not spawn the courage of what went wrong.
I receive the message of what is right.
To me.
The swelling of such enromous density.
What goes around comes around,
I've come back welcomed to it.
I will not be issued warning as the subject
for my abuse shall.
I demonstrate to develop my leading by example.
In my future with no double-standards present.
I am my full willing participant, "the double".
I appreciate to do with such carefully depicted,
my grave concern in objective matters.
I am doing something not without the purpose
I have in mind.
Loose and constrictive,
inviting and engaging
to the all.
I fairly disagree about the fragile bullying
as dreams do become reality.
Tamed by love in no bigger choice of an apology.

The Ace Rehabilitated Are

My rehabilitation is in the moment,
a trace of self-confidence.
Modest in talk a matured xenophobia,
I sense no regret.
Not tricked into thinking.
Ticked off.
For the favored vigilant cause of justice.
The purpose of no deadly rehabilitation.
I freely spend the money I have to play with.
As sure as the stars above,
Concentration to what you do is change.
In dedication.
In my responsibility is to awareness.
In attention.
I traced its roots to me.
I am not misjudged under my skin,
my scars, my wounds, my lusts,
my temptations.
In this my intersection of thought,
I trust both my pride and my prejudice.
In my instincts I have made hours of progress.
The pride in such loss prevention.
I carry it all behind me.
Protesting my own private pool in homage.
My personal private image.
My delicate touch is.
There is no doubt in my fondness of the matter.
As I safetied an undiscarded adventure within
achievement.
I'm no bigger than an ethical decoy.
Appointed no sorry apology.
That-no dignity can erase bigger than I.
Ethically not in case of the loss treated scarily
or preferred its inventory.
My troubles not in I are made temporary.
You don't pretend an accident of unknown symbolic;
in nature's laws?
The volume of my tooth-aching:
in such
sensitive noise!
A literary giant such as in the power
present of I.
Of course what I am referring to myself,
is the metaphor of a fable. . .
the Sleeping Giant.
Without its claim to debt.
My area of expertise in target of
a self-esteem propering consequence.
A whiffing of immorality whipped of dismay.
Shaping up my attitude in thoughts.
Beware, my thought in attitude it be aware.
The science of one's reason
all in evidence to its conduct.
This is not a money making relationship,
well timed in its preperation. -
Sympathetically wounded
- I wait addicted to the habit.
These are all of the answers given.

Popsicle Sticks in Paradise

I pursued the moment;
and this in case I state it.
In the ocean-aquatic thoughts of
marine life, I assume no bullying.
There is no pretense to the thought.
A radical new design as if I wasn't
there!
I new radical design of the initiative,
I keep up to me.
Will not my spirit in slowly dying allow?
No serious lapse in judgment: split iron
of vulnerability or being impressionable.
A gross misrepresented relapse.
As my love carries on encouraged by the
enthusiasm or lack thereof.
Through no amount of decay in thought
I let out.
Only in my heart it comes alive.
In this my place of refuge, dreamed of
celery sticks covered with peanut butter.
I'll be there for you.
Not me to limit.
I push to the limit.
Not to test my limits,
but rather I push then pull.
Not in limiting myself.
I will not limit what sets me apart.
A one way street on the freight train coming home.
From day to dark.
Dusk to dawn, non-stop.
Friend of my sunshine.
My safety in daylight to nightfall.
Maturing xenophobia when nothing is improbable,
retains distant memory.
Vying for the affection of an earth-flower
unknown in its time.
Asking to fly with the birds,
in the most promising of prey of worms.
This monster-attitude too small
in a world its unfounded for.
Such fun in the nutrition of love.
I create.
Without, with such I wager my own competition.
That I care to redeem myself .
Sound in my nest of sleep.
I rest.
I feel it in my soul.
I can relax.
My honor is to method.

A dream it feels so alive.
Adrift cast in the shadow of time.
Act - in its history as I've said and done.
A past life.
Maturing in the odyssey.
My truth has been found in it.

Of this I make myself aware,
I am in discovery.

Self-made expressed in my interest of an unbreakable
molded spirit.

I put its strength that altogether in my parts.
Together I resonate from it.
Of a weight in characteristic.
I shall wait.

Decorated in thought the paint, because the paint
does not look bad as dry.
I'll show you what love is in ecstasy without
loneliness.
I'll make it.
Be sure to break the puddle
with a splash.
No misplaced beauty or precautions fear
of anger.
For every premonition I gather spurs my curiosity,
into a revelation of mediocrity.
A revolution in the credentials I have its credibility for.

I keep a watchful eye on my weight in sleep
of which I breath.
I am confident about, that nothing is going to happen.
I have no problem with the love of my broken research.
I have not failed a Rosarch Test to pass.
A crash test dummy strung with bells on the run.

Allergic in response to a sudden tragic end.
A shallow fascination.
Moving parts of a hero in rescue.
Not to be underestimated or undervalued,
as for living in-th-past.

I love the smell of a croissant.
A teasing taste of its delicacy.
I love the sound of music,
NOT 'punching' in my ear.

I feel free more relaxed.
In trying something inspirational,
because I said so.
The target of a truth not required.
My value in full potential,
for a dollar.

I must confess my dreams.
That-naturally my fear is not drawn.
My mother's undying love was born from.
My disorder in chaos.
I live to the.

Take my advice.
I screech like an eagle,
scratch like a monkey,
and soar like a hawk-owl its prey.
My teeth in the shadows not after I bite.
Before I even knew it.

A huge massive sleep without any weight-loss.
An awareness gained.
My addiction for habit,
feeds the king in me.
Capitally in vision.
There is no return to my paranoia.
This only so unreasonably torn am I
engaged in the thought.
A subsequent transformation,
that no one is bigger than am I
to save face in order of its nature's-quest.
Therefore, in obedience I starve at the thought.
There is no transparency in the discrepancy of
romantic-judgement.
My weight in deduction reduced-fear.
An eduacation in guessing.

In the Future of Turning thoughts

I recovered from my return.
The relief is profound!
No nature of the paradox in a middle.
All in the context;
of tragedy disabling emphasis.
A victims-charity.
The quality of no:
misguided or undirected
force-of-impacting.
The nature of reliance in arms-length.
The biggest difference in evidence
of conversation?
What reveals in the past!
Knowledge of dinosaurs.
A hand heals the heart.
The soul of an empty-skull.
Playing with the light-switch.
There's no turning my back -
on the consistency I've applied,
- as result.
My reply of responsibility.
My interpretation of dreams.
From my ranks of the undefeated.
Coincidentally starving for an excuse
not to be avoided.
Having a hobby is good to kill time.
No error to please the mystery.
They call me Mr..
A description of hope,
in hide-go-seek.
The fox alive from its recovery.
The fine taste of gum frozen in its flavor,
working on common sense attributes from
my allured mouth.
I am feeling no pain.

The Line

Going deep as I went I am soft, delicate, discreet, alluring is
my potential and tender in its flesh.
I go to other means of alternative!
I’ve saved for judgment;
not for dead?
Brushed against-law:
sleeping with the enemy.
A strong-popularity in abdication
Bringing the news to myself.
I’ve learned to reflect the value of meaning
on the-safe-side so I don’t get hurt.
That I can safely handle
the questions and answers
of disappointment.
That bridges the gap
Of my awareness between
the gift of peace, and the
name of a dove.
Not in leaving much too little.
Be desired.
It is an exploration in my full potential,
of a discovered motivation.
Plagiarizing avoided in behavior.
A powerful symbol of the union,
an SOS.
I adjust the light-switch.
Do my thing.
I don't have to change who I am.
My potential unlimited.
NO apology owed in the feud.

Elite in Commands Operating

Such cold and fragile vulnerability can only relate apathetic.
Look what I told you.
The sleeping giant, awaken.
I’m not stretched in procrastination,
I travel knowing how far I will go.
I can make great lengths,
without taking-in-a marathon.

The Deliriumed Boss

Now more than ever;
no fear resembling an inadequacy of
radically subversive altered in state tactic or strategy.
Me, I offer?
An opinion no-nobody asked for!
An unattractive surgical-element:
is no reason for.
An evasive heat crescendo rised as I try in maturing
the better of my love-in-passion best.
Not am I cohersed but conducive to contribute
outside the box.
Nothing is improbable "it's so easy".
You cannot escape delirium,
with maturity, my fire in the hole.
The brain trusted-power of a custodian.
A skinny diet of no foul-odour if not when
then is taken all away.
An ignoring vanity.

Our attitude toward life
determines life's attitude
towards us.

- Earl Nightingale

Huge Reccomendation of a true-story

Not to slaughter in the adrenaline
hurried-rush.
A prepared time in narration
of the mind-pleasure registered.
Holding firm behind its line-across;
its bordered entry upon returning from itself.
Of the safe-side of ideas:
happy as ready,
ready as happy to avoid?
The trust is too to be had issued in payments
of raisins.
Crawling in the attention for reason.
The mad-rush in looking.
My physical aching powerful
spirituality-sense needs to be protected.
A new character taking in the moisture without
its strangling.
Just to know I heard the raging sound of a mountain
that burns,
a string of puppets.
Though nothing will provoke me.
My hunger I notice its smell.
To unplant the seeds of predictability in every
mistake you put through in not-error.

My entire force of nature in view, an ocean's breeze,
in the universe unknown.

The weight of my tears, a burning rose,
the dragons smoke.

As I hold onto my heart filled with a second
chance-of-laughter.
The wordless action I cannot help but resist.
Brought to my feet first
of no selective memory or inner-conflict.
My Lady Luck in the fall of all values prepared in time.
In paradise the jury's-escape,
parody of my motivation, I share sparely.

In a potion

Breaking chains in the first sign of giving up a mile taking it all
held together.
With all such reason is to vehement in thought of its natural
occupation.
A man in the effort of his dreams of me;
complimenting quality?
I feel a paradise of freedom:
in nature's song not found but lost!
The tables have kept turning on its axis.
The tables have turned.
A feeling of similarity that perception.
The surprise narrator,
no play in myth said I,
I am the revival of it.
To the belief in myself.
The sky is an open window
beneath us.
I'm naturally inclined.
Watching the goose cooked.
Look to turn from the failed definition of a
competitive-inadequacy gone color blind.
The bump end grind of an investigated arrival.
Because of the way I think.
Because of the way I think
hasn't changed.
Because of how I think has changed.
Not in me as a person.
For you there is no invisible man.
The choice of such are fine spoken words in my actions.
In this room of great energy between us all in such my
methods.
No conflict of interest in my lighter
view of this.
Really nice intense rivalry
unadultrated-fun.
Thoughts of love not wasted for hate-of-fearing
or fear-of-hating.
Carefully withdrawn from neurosis
of the complication
or molded into temptation
scratching my forehead.
As I feel concealed,
I hear the pressure of giant thoughts running
over my head.
In the most discreet-sweet sense
of an urgency best described in the time between us.
Only love not if feared.
Only feared if not loved.
Am I.

Ding-a-ling Characterized

There is a distinct;
possibility of some natural selection
in process.
The nature of characterization:
you think?
The phantom menace or fait accompli:
take your pick!
My pride bleeding burning in my brain.
No suicidal hatred vile in vain.
My best mature course of action in it.
A matured xenophobia that nothing is improbable.
Without desperation or mental anguish.
Without anxiety of my temper punitive measures
against myself.
I am to be not punished,
yet permissible but honest.
With myself, only.
I've put myself "out-there" against
all of the odds.
Without putting myself 'out'.
Work, that I've made progress. . .
already.
Treating me as a flower.
That stem of competitive erected
stream of consciousness
from the root of all causes formed.
There is no word for not 'vanity'.
Fair is the lineage, value logic, and this
my theory of connotation defined.
I apply to the future, of its destiny for me.
Discreet and powerful
without withholding my confidence.
I experiment no inept incompetence that keeps
me aloof of wonderment.
Of a moral aptitude.
No immoral understanding thereof
this - my truth - this is.

Channeling changed symbols mixed
with a task blind of emotion.
Always pursuing the obvious,
accepting credit without it being given to me freely,
never without giving in.

The status of living is enjoyed thoroughly.
I am thrilled, because.
There are no protective barriers that put this smile on my face.
On the verticle of a horizon, blown seeding the fertile wind-broken
ground.

Cold Adventure Pirate

I saw what I'll take
while I can get it.
Taking it easy but I'll take it.
Well plotted out.
The stench of such little to do
with anxiety, fear, intimidation,
or manipulation as a punching bag
I catch then release of it.
Impractical if not enticing?
Practical if not;
intolerable!
Self-conscious: if not
misleading.
I fancy my double life.
Tell me more, but not after I kick you
out the door.
Sh-oo out my window.
This I cared of most in my dreams.
Superficial based due-dilligence
not baptism by fire.
Crooked having-it-your-way is an
example of my thought thoughts examined.
A stinky horses' bumb is cute and shifty while it
slowly giddy-up.
Incompetent timing for the perfect cause
of a congruent storm-in-angle.
The conscious in my eye.
I blink.
I occupy.
The narration of a talking voice
well kept in its harmonious-faith.
I've saved the assets of my benefited expert incentive.
Extra long walks in a field of Tulips ordained.

Candy Drinks

Glaring exiled detail.
Unrealistic revelation.
Hear what I say permits me.
Talent consumates another word
for no betrayal of sense in magic.
A future destiny of heightened
ambition in me.
Scary looking Penguins.
An awkward silence in humanity.
I make: exceeding the choice?
I am not a sad invalid in saving face;
infrequently the best expressed challenge
in compromise.
For every margain of error!
There is no non sense won over that reward
of discipline.
You must hurry to start from a poverty
and become of it taking your time in the effort.
The discipline of its reward.
There is no task to obsession.
Only to be reversed.
I reserve errors in judgment.

Maturing Bubbled Over

Singling out the time;
of what I thought a personal-kind?
I've given myself many options!
That nothing:
nothing is in fact improbable.
I am highly motivated by the fact,
the question is a cause for concern.
I cannot escape delirium,
with maturity,
my fire in the hole has unleashed.
This happy paranoia not a second too early.
An hour a minute the circus-ring of strangers.
No hope is lost.
Delirium.
An awareness deceiving ritual
where nothing is imporbable.
I did not say anything glad enough to see you.
Coward of maturity to survive.
My nature's delighted.
Dedicated-view in my wieght of learning.
This curfew of bullets that require energy.
My confusion not confounded.
I compound.
I try me on for size as an increasingly encouraging sign.

Natural Curiosity: Judgement of Momentary Relapsed - Sedation

I see one thing;
I see another.
Little for less I find myself to reason.
An angel must fly in a different
cast light of their-own-imagination.
The facing of my redemption not to be
handled inappropriately,
sombered then is sobriety.
Nothing that can tell me how
the dream has begun of not over.
Perhaps, when there was a time where only beasts
roamed the planet with only
their use of hands,
verbose in language too-crisp
for the tongue.
A unique character is crazy not to.
I will be better reminded.
In remembering it.
My meal-ticket out of my-heart in time
from the passion.
A burning sensation.
A fire of no pink flamed
excuses.
A desire for peanut-butter and raspberry jam
on toast.
Generosity will travel further, getting me
where I want to-go-far. (A need.)
So comical in relief.
The privilege of such memory
I indulge in it.
Worth my weight, here.
Worth my wait, there.

It was of no involuntary determined
unknown withdrawal.
Only there are parallels of ancient disguises.

All without the myth as an in between
in a heartbeat.

This to the - there's
mystery upon which I act upon.

With which there is mystery, of which,
I act upon entitlement.

To this: because there is mystery of entitlement
I act upon as anchor.

An entitlement as the anchor.
Upon which, I act.

The independence in thought
of some rarity in judgment but not irregular
as in fictional.

Do not be pathetic in your judgment.
Take the challenge in your passions.
Exhibit the change in pessimism
to the act of possession.

For the longest-time
I take a closer look
at something.

It is not for certain an unordinary
day as spectacular my display of hunger
in demonstrated-knowledge.

I shall recall of.
I can, be what it will whatever the subject-matter.
I honor the caveat - this my own conclave in which we've agreed.
Such rarity I conceal
my natured-well/good-judgment.

Taken in my palm-read hand.

My truth is worth a fortune-told
to me.

Recovered in belief of my own-doing.

The truth of my own-doing.

Much it is to act alike, in fact,
we are nothing.

Absorbed Down-out-under-it

My interior power generated by
my inhibition - not ulterior or inferior
in its parts.
Not superficial in its status
I fare well.
In time designed
sharing without
a doubt of it,
I am from,
is revealed because of me.
Strength requires hope not in
the error I chose of it.
Half the chance of a permanent
solution.
Living to dream rather unordinary
while I can.
Such a pity on what not to witness
the focus of what I mean
in my intent.
The virtue of impatience
all is said and done.
Lets keep in touch.
In sand.
Out front-and-center in my last
direction of time
the latest of arrival-final.
The force is far more incredible,
fantastic that I never neglected the fact.
Alone in bleach
satired stained attire.
I accomplish with nothing impressionable
or deviant in attitude left behind.
I contest to stare in reproach.
I have put a step to the ritual
of sublime observation
caught stuck in answering it.
Taking to the limitless
depth without drowning because of its nature
drawn within me.
How I choose is to respond,
sensitively-speaking.
This branded new sense of humor
I shall travel with the winds
weather-vain blowing.

In exchanged purging of an objective metaphor

Is it crazy not to want it - no proof
that acts as evidence of what you most
desire.
No valid misconcpetion.
Choppy-signals of the truth,
sounds for a sonic radio with
metaphor for my mind.
The eye of a sleeping dragon.
It ain't hidden, or crouched
beneath the surface.
A contaminated breath that released my skill
for intervention.
My bird is perched on the base
of a dead mocking-dodo's
cage.
The cave revealed itself to me in its
depth of a top-secret location.
The time I've taken in this tale of a
sombering self-justice.
I have built courage upon-unopened-edifice.
An edifice for laughter,
as my heart within wits end in satisfaction.
I garunteed it.
No irresbonsible mess
of the message for a bad day at work.
No unreasonable valient effort.
From top of the limits
- I am unlimited in
through my potential. -
I am super-sonic
the hero-of-will is not.
The power I operate on
inhibition.
The power I operate on.
The inhibition.
The inhibition I operate on.

Without false misconception that
I have trapped the light.

No reciept I've thrown out a
proof of purchase
for garbage.

Crouched in position

The tender footsteps
of rabbits. . .
as if you look over ones shoulder.
The scent of false
ideas.
Attitudes.
Ideology.
As I look back.
The tender footsteps
of rabbits,
I saved my last
breath.
As I lead the scent
of fear.
As I trumped the self-hate
within me.
I smell something fierce.
The fresh scent of rabbits.
I will not pretend to know I act
objectively.
Safety taken in precaution
of fire hazards.
My every location
for the-remedy.
I will not lose grip of my operating
signal.
I will not pretend to operate,
objectively.
You are not the same person
that others think you are.
You are the person you appear
to be.
Dedicated, kind,
and caring.
As personal I am.
Gentle, compassionate,
and daring.
I celebrate my mind.
My wheels set in motion.
As I lay back my head to rest,
such magical weight in thought.
The tenacity of a courage that has no myth.
I chill out on milk,
it adds as a security measure.
Drinking white stuff that comes
from inside an animal,
makes me think of what acts as
defense-mechanisms.
Smart little cows.
They make moo-moo sounds.

Big on Luck

With you
I rely on my sense
of spirit.
No - I am not superficial.
No - I am not to be patronized.
No - I am not subject to abuse.
Your move in a high-priced game of Chinese Checkers,
as I follow the expert with a smile on my face.
The architect
makes elusive-architecture.
Suddenly,
I realize
loneliness is not;
my requirement!
I've acquired tastes:
in making it logically diagrammed.
I put on something real,
I took off what I wore
because it made me act sloppy?
Pushing the envelope,
I'm over the top. -
I'm not inadequate,
- not in over my head.

High up on a mountain
where few can test my limits
surrounded in misfortune.
Missionary greed.

Fewer surrounded
the limits of fortune.
My pride I will not swallow.

I will not displace my plan
of action for contingency.
My plain of proper a category.
I will not displace my comfort.

It is a round-trip
in the air fare of
'comfort'.
My one-way ticket
"out-there".

I will not protest, nor shall I
contest its purity is my own in doing.

This immaculate
self-respect of an adulation.
J'adore aussi.
Myself, my adoration of it all.

I have only scored in streaks and send sparks
flying.

I get ahead as I do
in accepting who I am-not-to-get-ahead-of
-myself.
In the process. . . it is
no ordinary choice.
I originally choose to take care of myself
without fear or the guilt.

I am free in choosing what's best for me
as result of myself originally.

However convoluted it seems to be
I set from me to manage (whatever)
those limits are.
I am that original missing link - no ordinary
piece to the puzzle.
I will practice and participate in the assembly
as I keep putting my self-esteem
back together in its place.

Why, I've been exhausted.
How lovely the idea of desperation.

How tired of me, I, am I.
It is no premeditated vision.
Short-supply of a view
I can hold onto myself.

The True Romantic

Make expressed
how it feels?
Cream of the crop-circle!
You're dreaming.
No - I'm dreaming.
That of which dreamers
are made to wear.
Such is the subject-matter.
Caught myself in a land-slide.
I believe in the uphoria of it.
A dream-life state, thought I experienced
such matter-of-fact. . . happiness less than imaginable.
A last gasp
at the breath-of-life
worth living.
I could not resist
the escaping-protest.
Economically sound am I not
to be introduced as entitled.
In my wildest fears I imagine happiness
as I only dreamed of it.
Uncontested, perfect in thought.
All on the pretense of being well-liked enough.
That need of a burning desire for it from within.
The hot-commodity machine stalls,
the sensation of bank-notes $.
Bragging of my fingernails as I cut and trim.

It was the who protested that I patronized

I project all of my assets into one.
Not to act as slaves to each other;
but to clean up one another's act!
Impersonating power of the-one?
My mom and dad are down to earth,
kind and caring, not second-class citizens.
They are my voice of virtue.
I protect my investment.
Militant behavior:
ideology / image / consciousness-collective.
Latin Lover is to an army.
Amazing yet so powerful in thought
I gracefully decided.
I chose to be a part of something
no bigger than I
am it to me.
Such humoristic hypothesis
of a hypocrites domain.
The happier I squint down double-standards.
I do not pretend to be something I am not.
Without the opportunists veil,
pale in comparison to mocking-birds.

In the world of marine biology

In the life of analysis as a fish in the ocean.
A discreet conclave of emotions?
The kingdom of aquatic survival;
turned into beings!
They exist in harmony,
all succinct in thoughts of remaining
forever in the sea-of-hurricanes.
After or before?
Such time does not exist in motion.
The time:
I stood upon the ocean floor.
Where once my ambition became like
an octupus.
Meaning "little" only required hope.
Today, on the surface above. . .
- we listen to the sound of tidal waves created. -
They come crashing down to earth.
Our instincts reveal minimal goals,
that you attain everything you strive for
with nothing left to live.

Such noblity I honor

Intimidated to feel it?
The predicatble amount of time,
the plot seems gullible a narrative!
However;
on the account I remain uncommited:
my soul is not generalizable.

What if

The metaphor I have found to be true of me.
The honor, the mystery, the noble lie.
All in the time of myths gone by;
purging impractical offensives.?
I have:
been seeing myself launching impractical
offensives with greater odds.
My psychological nature I will only feel,
as though my persuasion is of a generic-mentality.
The method of mind over matter!
A serial pursuit of the evening sky-lit opera.
A music of no intimidating quality.
A physical order in the universe of time.
Eye-to-eye.
Nose to nose.
I to I.

We never know how far
reaching something we may think,
say or do today will affect the lives
of millions tomorrow.

B J Palmer

Assasination of more-greed

Not that I want MORE:
I deserve MORE?
The MORE I care;
The MORE I deserve!
Of great benefit to the consumer.
A collection of mannequins.
I talk of control-barriers.
It speaks of initiative and its borders.
About time to converge.
In the spirit of maturity,
my operative response. . .
in self-gratification.
Just let me know if I've gone
too far - or not far enough
an accidental-hero.

I thank you

Reserve your judgment.
Judgment:
exists.
As judgment exists the reason
I exist; is of a psychological nature.
Why I exist -
is in judgment.
My judgment of
- a psychological nature.
To exist I reserve my
judgment!
Thank you?

Unrequired visits

Unrequired love?
The unexplained paranormal phenomenon!
A perfect '10'.
I came across the score;
of being %100 certain.
Uncertain of me in my time.
Perfect '10'.
100% certainty = Perfect '10'.
That initiative of not being judged for the score.
Certainty 100
Certainty = Perfect
I'm a 10.