There is a void inside of me, my internal conflict is a void that runs deep within my psyche. I've done a lot of work in trying to escape from it completely. I suppose this is why Dr. Gordon is ready to give up on trying to help me with a diagnosis. During my last visit, all but confirmed Dr. Gordon's intent was to about to change without really updating me on it until the time is right for him to tell me, "There's really nothing else I can do for you. You're reluctance is what's getting the the best of you, there's no more time or effort to put to waste because you've refused to accept the challenge, instead you've calculated everything. In fact, you've made a point of not testing your limits in terms of how far you can reach. We cannot stretch this any further, our interviews are done."

I have no idea how to put this into any other context. Instead, I have to 'own' the truth that I made a choice. From what I observed Dr. Gordon has put himself in my shoes, and he sees I've decided to make other choices. The problems I've faced in dealing with these choices are consequences I am still struggling to cope with.

For instance, this past week-end I was feeling anxious being in an environment of former friends. People I am not use to seeing on a regular basis, as I replay the images in my mind, all I feel is a sense of contempt about those people. I simply cannot believe this has been my 'choice' (as Dr. Gordon has taught me to deal with):

a) because I made a choice follows. . .
b) I must deal with the consequence + result regardless of whether the outcome is right or wrong.

The struggle is completely arduous. I feel no self worth, and my self-esteem is so degrading, I cannot face the people I am filled with contempt for I have a voice that only wants to confess how much I despise them.

My point in all of this as I ask myself 'why'? Why is this so hard, and why must I go through this?

Another example of my discretion happened over the Thanksgiving holiday, during our dinner party. There is a person I dislike that attended the dinner, only because I feel judged by this said individual. To make a long story short, I must for my better sake tune him out. Unfortunately, the said individual I find to be completely at odds with, suggests his behavior serves total disregard for anyone else.

It is this type of opinion I continue to deal with, in search for an answer, but I am hardly able to find.