In the absence of glamour

After having spoken with someone regarding how I feel, I'm making a choice to attend a function this evening. I rather not say what this event entails. What I mainly care about right now, has more to do with my relationship with Dr. Gordon.

Seeing Dr. Gordon yesterday made me realize how small I am. For some odd reason, I felt Dr. Gordon was at odds with me? I wasn't sure what to make of it, I'm still not sure what to think. Dr. Gordon respects me, yet he expects me to take ownership of my habits. Therefore, I have no reason to blame anyone - not blaming myself - or anyone else in the process. This agonzing time for me comes with so much unwanted. I never provoked this. Yet, I feel at a loss for words.

Dr. Gordon reminded me that I have a brain to make cost benefit analysis. In other words, I can do things that make me happy in life.

My main obstacle Dr. Gordon would tell me: I prevent my own happiness from taking place.
For sake of argument; I'd completely defy that sense of logic. It makes no sense to me why I would choose NOT to be happy? However, that is exactly what the Dr. tells me. . . I supposepeople would probably agree with him on that . It is fair not to assume anything other than I cause my own unhappiness. It brings me back to square one. What is happiness to me, is independent for everyone. That is the medium of Dr. Gordon's message.

1- I suffer from depression because of it.
2 - Dr. Gordon's belief tells me that I have the ability to overcome it.

My instincts told me Dr. Gordon thinks I can be ambitious. The same reason I do not think I'm adequate to accomplish anything Dr. Gordon attributes to my own lack of self-esteem.

I wish it were different. Dr. Gordon is not a magical wizard that makes my life better. Dr. Gordon has helped me realize my difficulties. However, my visit with Dr. Gordon yesterday was less than helpful. It made me realize where the truth lay. I have realized Dr. Gordon has nothing to do with the truth, he's only made forced me to realize I am the cause of my depression. That my thoughts are the source of it.

I cannot change at the snap of a finger. I am built a certain way, that I will not change. It is an attitude problem as (Dr. Gordon points toward me.)

And yet, through it all, all of my time spent in therapy, all of the money for medication, here I am absorbing it all. What is the purpose I ask myself. What is my purpose? A purpose of exterme unhappiness, is all I own at the moment. I feel tricked because of my own self-doing.