Smile Marco Smile

I had a decent nights work since I began my shift yesterday @8pm. Today is Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, I must confess that the 'taking time to reflect' + 'giving thanks' has something to do with my thought processes as of this moment.

So much to describe in such short detail, I believe I can deliver my message of hope in some former-to-present statement.

The truth is. . . I walked out of a small coffee junction on Corydon. Ave. in Winnipeg during my afternoon out with Tanya. All I remember is exiting the premesis with my natural smile on my face. More importantly: there I was smiling while I witnessed someone in direct view of me caught a small sampling of myself. A portion of my true uncandid self, openly sharing something without hiding any of what I had to offer. Not because the person who was there and saw me, but because the entire moment I had experienced became worth how unconsciously aware we both were staring straight at each other. It really was a neat thing to see myself in such a beautiful kind of space. Even writing about it seems sureal enough to notice just how really special it was for me in particular. I would go as far to say I loved myself for an unexpected visit to my inner-self. A check-in at the heart I knew exists inside.

I heavily gaurd my feelings and emotions in such a manner, I must confess works dead against me. Perhaps, it is the reality I choose not to face fear head on, when in truth, the reality I have to offer is not in vain after all. These words are a perfect example of an epiphany in the life of Marco.

It all draws me back to my week-end, as I begin the week at my job Sun. - Thur. every week.

The flash backs to Dr. Gordon's office.
My mom accusing me of being only filled with 'hate'.
The event on Sat. night which I attended with Tanya.

So much of what I can now know is happening to me stems from this week-end. My mental state is stable as its ever been in terms of coping with my emotional set-backs, which also entail feelings of mass confusion surrounding my outer self.

First: my emotions are completely internal. What happens on the 'outside' is what I cannot control.

Second: My feelings are in connection to the reality that's taking place constantly - on a daily level - though I cannot control the environment around me - what I observe affects me due to my necessary limits. (i.e. method in thinking = cost benefit analysis) In other words, the way I think (e.g. about myself) not only does it influence the way that I act, but also relates to why I feel the way I do. I am the cause of those emotions.

Third: Everyhting I've contributed in making my observations re; ^my first+second 'choices' both are in reference to what I've learned in my therapy + consultations with Dr. Gordon.

I firmly believe Dr. Gordon knows I can take control of my own destiny, both inner-conflicts + psychological well-being, instead of relying on his 'shelter' for my lack conscious desire to make up the effort necessary to succeed on my own. The most practical deviation from Dr. Gordon's practice has been 'OWNING' = my emotions. In a way I've spent the past 10 years (I'm not even kidding here) in attributing myself with such critical thinking skills. I can now say I am willing to take that next step in the challenge if there are many in the road ahead?

Especially due to the fact I've made a habit in avoiding things, I must take responsibility when dealing with circumstances:

a) if reacting to things with the same amount of 'confidence' . . . follows. . .
b) 'confidence' I have in taking place of my emotional self.

Both 'a+b' = consequences. Therefore, if consequences - therefore understanding. Therefore, if understanding, then - solutions.


The main difficulty I've had to face is in search of my identity. The identity I once had, that somehow I must relate to in a caring + pure manner of being true to myself. Those are the emotions I once neglected for fear of pursuing a greater me. This is me!