I can't sleep. I'm trying to figure out the thoughts going through my head right now. Life to me seems unfair. It is difficult to cope with the label, "You do it to yourself." that my psychiatrist keeps sticking on me. I hate it.

My past needs to stay right where it is, yet it is ironic that it is because of the past that so many of my issues revolve around the present problems I'm currently facing. For starters, I've been hired "officially" as an employee in my first ever f/t job. My Dr. calls this a tremendous achievement, though, I find it quite the opposite. For some strange reason I feel a void, an indifference, a kind of direct impartiality about what point I've reached in my life up to this moment. I suppose it is in a sense, the obligation to myself, that seems to keep me at odds with my present situation. Perhaps I find it is my nature lay hidden beneath all?

As I look back to the time I upgraded my marks in high-school it was all done for a purpose. My intent was to apply for university, as that's what I naturally saw as my true calling. That was in 1995-1996. . . fast forward to 2007.

Today I am a 30 year old hetero-sexual male, still trying to describe my identity as I've become. Through it all I graduated with a 2006 - B.A. of Arts Degree. I have my doctor to thank for the support he's given. I thank my parents.

These are some of the positive aspects.

Through the adversity what I choose to say about myself means so much more today, than what has happened in the past. I know everything in my past happened for a reason. I could be thankful because I have the sweetest parents in the world, who've treated me with respect, and because I admire them both is what's given me strength.

I refer to Dr. Gordon in light of the fact, I can sit here typing this in front of my computer screen. The idea that I must 'own' my inhibitions is what truly inspires me as of this minute. It captures me with a serene amount of intensity.

The justification behind my premonitions/revelations are in an effort to speak only about myself. As I mentioned before I began writing this, my Dr. taught me, "You do it to yourself." Ideally, this is my release of emotions. Emotionally, triggering the inner conflict within my soul, since I choose to express them here. It is the truth.

I needed this time to take a step backward, and reflect on so much that has happened lately. It's been terribly difficult to make sense of, I have to make this a duty for myself. I couldn't depend on my Dr. - or - anything other than turning to myself for answers. The solutions were in short supply.

I was afraid at getting to this point. A point that I needed to become aware of myself in such a manner of speaking, with the real Marco. Marco and I have been through a lot together in fear of making things work. I am happy to report, Marco and I are married and have plans for bigger + better things to come. It seems like only yesterday when I had no idea where I'd end up, put I took the plunge. The year was 1996. I had a terrible car accident, that ended my hopes in playing football again for the D.M.C.I. Maroons. Injuries I could not escape. The peer group that I left behind, I would describe as over-achievers were a breed striving to be 'Head of the Class'. In today's day and age, I recall in aspiring to more than just status. That time in my life was a about personal growth, in believing there had to be something more to life in confiding to. Questions to be answered in a greater scheme. (I think I was alone in my group.) That time in my life as an adolescent, endearing as it was, became an eye opener in trying my best to relate to what '?' was going to happen to all of us? What would come 'next'? For me, it was seemless.

My lack of understanding what freedom is about, applying yourself no matter what the cost as long as it was responsibly done with good honesty was a roller coaster for me. I was a good person both inside and out, until trouble with juggling university studies, a girl-friend, a job became too much. I wanted it all. I had no idea it was too much for one person to deal with at my age. It made me suffer heavily. Depression from the break-up, not knowing where to turn to, trying to find peace in my life was such a setback. A struggle with keeping my job I was not happy working. My demise from making an impact in my university studies set me on probationary status and I was a complete mess. Years passed. . . I started separating myself from the group I normally associated with. My distance caused more depression, as I tried my best to make sense of it, I began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-depressants. My life changed ever since that ordeal, but there was no looking back. (I guess 'looking back' today makes up for lost time.)

The ground I've covered from then is as though swinging from a vine. I remember a guy named Marco that I wanted so desperately to show could be Tarzan - King of the Jungle. Today, I am not the same guy I was then. Only smarter.