deliverance in struggling without suffering?

There is a part of me that knows about misery all to well. I suppose it happens to do with vulnerability, or the reason for me to suggest it?

In a thesis of this kind, I take for granted the maturity process one learns how to cope,
with undertaking why suffering makes us struggle for a greater good that we may establish our own free will.

So much that impacts the course of ones history, we manage to survive the outcomes in several factors.

Much more important is that in recovering from beneath the struggle, of our hardships, we punish ourselves in a trial of self-inflicted demoralization.

What we rely on is not a phantom menace of the sort we feel the need to be saved or rescued from such agony. To recognize the pain that causes you - yourself - to cope with what the solution might be.


an off the record type of truth but nevertheless truth

Do you ever get so mad, that it confuses the hell out of you why you got mad, so in doing so (the real reason for whatever the cause was) you realize it's because you needed to get that off your chest on no uncertain terms. That's exactly the kind of idea, when getting mad is 'a healthy' constructive thing rather than just hate fueled anger? What do you do (other than come on to the Internet) to recover? Is there such a thing as recovery time, or once it happens, do you just say 'did that just happen' - 'oh yeah I guess it did. . . whatever.' then you move on with your life. I think that is the best kind. It says you've come full circle as an individual is my point.

quote:
Sure, mostly when I get mad it is because I am failing to cope with a situation (most of the time not even the situation at hand).Thankfully I have learned to recognize this fact and I rarely get mad anymore.

The better question to ask is: can there be a moral or immoral type of suffering? What strategy can one presumably deploy into action, taking with it an effective method to concentrate itself focused. If there is a moral or immoral kind of suffering in the universe as a model, then could we also hypothetically eliminate religion as a dogma, then also pursue our own judgment that devises a strategy to cope with suffering? As result: immoral or moral suffering is a struggle of the will in itself, all things being equal to this device that exists as goal oriented behavior. The answer could in fact be true; that device which acts as a 'switch' as if turning on a light bulb. The light bulb is plugged into the device, only the device must be activated for it to work! Therefore, once you deploy the device, it is to act, in a manner that you create both an internal and external conflict. Which is the type of suffering you think of if your device is plugged or unplugged? Is it internal or is it external? This kind of reasoning would suggest: you have the choice to pursue the options simultaneously. There is no infinite variable, or supreme form of justice be it right or wrong, because the choice is only one to make/ thus it can only be yours to take it in a paradox. You cannot devise a strategy without taking on the choice you make. . . it becomes automatic. The target of such goal oriented behavior is to cause the will of suffering, then to extnguish it as a struggle, which can only depend upon the type of ellicit response in changing your potential to create devoid decision into reliable solutions. Therefore, you divide the suffering mixed together with emotions, it is then blended, transfered, and transformed into a free thinking system of opportunity to unlock the device tapped within you.

So again, we are left with the same choice repeatedly, although it may seem redundant, as though there is no point to find an answer. The question can only be which type of suffering are you? An immoral kind or a kind of moral victim of the question making you apparently indifferent to the cause. Can beauty be recognized in kind of a sense that - misery can be had - without avoid feeling it as a consequence. If you are an accomplice to such an act of fearing the most basic human emotion you can think of, misery is probably the last choice you would figure to have in mind. Therefore, we can also bare in mind that keeping to a certain set of valid beliefs with the purpose of benefiting oneself is almost utilitarian in perspective. However, it is quickly learned that any human emotion cannot be fully appreciated without the opposite of it. Instead, we learn that suffering is a healing process, other then it being seen, is such an opponent to inertia of the will.

The end (result) g-o-a-l looks like this in principle:

struggle : model

1- victory

2- device= goal oriented behavior

3- devising strategy (Moral or immoral suffering)

4- defiance of your actions (misery)

5- paradox =suffering =moral =immoral

What does one speaks of in determining fate? Is misery never an option? If we follow that course of reasoning, then pure logic will tell you something different, the difference being what some people less-recognize "gods will" ask themselves what is it known as. Gods will is not something that makes one divine, or contrite, or more attentive to such immaterial things such as we experience feeling in our everyday lives. Instead, a rather contemporary view for lack of a better term, we can define what in gods will can one participate? The meaning is simple, that insofar as you recognize misery is a force that allows you to heal itself within. It is a duty, not so much in the spiritual sense, but in the dynamic from which you place yourself in a context in our everyday life. In other words, the existence you carry on with is not dependant on one thing but to grow.

do you ever get one of those days

Where you reach a certain unexpected sense of relief where 'finally' nothing feels to be going wrong? Yeah, it's one of those days alright.

fornicating self interest

Perhaps, a quieter response would subdue my
sense of feeling inadequate?
My sense rise up,
then fall immediately into despair!
But, such silence requires a question of thought. . .
dare I think about the truth being told
that often dares to challenge my virtue.
Intelligence of such great perfection,
so excellent,
I confess to everything.
Such a return to my nest of sorrow,
for the birds to gather upon
union of natural upbringing.

Then I imagine,
how sweet the smell of sea salt.

How aroused I become,
and the world is pure in every way.
I mind this with my utmost love,
it spreads like the heaven above.

The friends zone

quote: Don't get me wrong. I hope to see a democrat back in the white house. And i would prefer Obama to Clinton. Hilary is musing about attacking Iran while Obama is talking about scrapping star wars and steering America toward a more sane nuclear policy. America would still rule the world with an iron fist, and the most we can expect from Obama is that he might put the fist back in the velvet glove. Nevertheless, the fisting will continue.

Simply because a democrat makes it to the whitehouse may as well equate whereas Obama-itis / re-branding of American democracy. Seriously speaking about Hillary is like thinking of an American Margret Thatcher carries substance to it, seeing that American's are coming off 2 successive Republican presidency's. (Ronald Regan loved Thatcher's conservative policies.) I honestly think Hillary has lost her edge, be it by media and lost confidence in her fellow democrats for office. That is in observing what you make of a soft-style campaign, because John Kerry wanted to put the screws down when running against Bush. Guess what? Kerry totally backfired, because American's didn't want a loud message coming across. I think about it as hyper-sensitive focus on Kerry's part, but he had guts, and I liked that about Kerry even though it cost him the presidency. As for Al Gore before Bush became president, the minds of American's were built on Clinton, and Hillary just can't work that kind of democratic campaign today as Gore did running against Bush. Bush heading into office was a blind-sided victory, and it changed the course of history. Mind you if it weren't for Hillary-iron-lady image I think American's would actually vote for Hillary if the Clinton-esque magic hadn't worn off. For Hillary this is about bad timing, because the brain-trust aligning democrats forces are focused on delivering: "American's from being targetted as vermin of the free world" campaign. Therefore, democrats won't repeat the same campaign trail as Kerry did marching to the beat of his own drum, American's didn't buy into it, they wanted to be lullabied. . . Kerry probably would have been president. We can be sure that Obama is winning only because Hillary had to mimic Obama's acting "softer" approach to politics, however, it doesn't mean that Obama is smarter than she is. Hillary is losing this battle against Obama's status-quo image. You can be sure it's not the way Hillary intended to run for president.

branding through generosity

an off the record type of truth but nevertheless truth

Do you ever get so mad, that it confuses the hell out of you why you got mad, so in doing so (the real reason for whatever the cause was) you realize it's because you needed to get that off your chest on no uncertain terms. That's exactly the kind of idea, when getting mad is 'a healthy' constructive thing rather than just hate fueled anger? What do you do (other than come on to the Internet) to recover? Is there such a thing as recovery time, or once it happens, do you just say 'did that just happen' - 'oh yeah I guess it did. . . whatever.' then you move on with your life. I think that is the best kind. It says you've come full circle as an individual is my point.


quote: aw, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me

I've always liked you and you know it. You've just always been super protective over your emotions, because that's what people in pain do, a built in mechanism that's not their own fault. I've always been a person that fights for a certain cause that people don't have the resource to do themselves. It drives my ego, it sparks my will, it fuels my desires. My heart says yes, and my head says no.

You're opposite sadie, you use your head in wise manner, you project things that if you choose to act on it means = 'yes'. You don't blow caution into the wind. On the other hand you're heart says 'no' when it comes to something you might really want but you're too afraid to feel the fear if it risks being hurt. As for me, I know this about you, and it drives me crazy because you would never let me in the way I'd want. I'm not stupid, only human.

Calculating risk in the absent age of reason

Failure: this is congruent to the belief I encounter if seeing one's true faith were blind in gods eyes.

Failure is something that is not testing the will or facing fear. It is a virtue. The meaning behind failure, is a difference that exists, most people that deny failure in their everyday lives hold impartial against it.

In order to see a clear and vibrant way of living, to lead one's life is to feel that failing in anything is a opportunity to grow. Yet, in a world dominated by fear of failing, so much of it depends not upon rate of success, but, rather it depends on the willing to fail. Mistakes are not independent of failure. When you slice into a fraction - part of the fraction is failure, with other half - the will to succeed - in what you believe will make you better, what fraction could possibly make you decide which is the denominator to cause you from failing? Can you prevent failure? Should you increase that imaginary power to prevent it? What if you took the part of the fraction you were sure was the 'success' piece of the fraction, that it'd ensure you unending success without failing? You probably would take the piece of the fraction that denominates failure from success.

The main point being that even if such a fraction did in fact exist, you could not possibly get to it without accepting failure in the due diligence of gratifying success.

Therein lay the difference between seeing people in life that are determined to succeed, but completely reject the idea that failing has none if any place in determining what measure of success is. Failure becomes their fear in a situation, whereas one's own worst enemy.

taking my life back again

Earlier this week I saw my family doctor in a public place, which I was happy to greet him. The moment I shared was genuine and sincere. I always admired my doctor since I was a boy. It's been over 30 years since our family doctor has taken care of my family.

Dr. Fuzeta reminds me of what it means to be in the position I am today. If it weren't for him, I am very grateful for his kindness toward me. Dr. Fuzeta is more than a Phd. he is a friend I can trust.

Today I look at my life in a renewed manner. My doors are set wide open. I can feel my sense of wanting to be the person I always thought I could be. When I needed someone to help me find a way, Dr. Fuzeta was the man that was there to guide me.

Dr. Gordon has allowed me to re-train that part of me within the past. There was a time I had the wrong friends and grew intolerant of others. However, today Dr. Gordon has helped clear my mind in living a better life. I still have flaws, but nothing I can't control.

magical pistons

There is a dichotomy of sorts that I need to express:

The paradox is as follows:

Great things come to those who wait?

The meaning in the above rests in a decision of mind. . .

it can be divided into 2 independent variables.

x = the past

q = the present

if q, therefore y.

y ~ future.

The clearest example of this paradox can be explained in a dichotomy. The dichotomy presented herein is an example of mystery in being. To be or not to be, is the classic most read and perhaps least understood of Shakespeare's Hamlet. Hamlet is dealing with the death of his father, and subsequently trying to overcome the melancholy of an identity crisis. Hamlet's struggle is based on a dichotomy in being. The question, as Shakespeare intended its meaning was actually a paradox in reasoning whether the truth of being as opposed to rejecting the self entirely. Therefore, an identity crisis is Hamlet's ultimate resource in what answer might possess the future, essentially, Hamlet is asking himself what will happen to him nor does he knowingly predict it.

The most profound distinction of this mystery in being, relates to my own sense of self in the matter of my personal history that I illustrate. My example, as per my own heightened awareness in hindsight, that past events somehow have shaped my life? The true answer that I can reveal, is in the choices that I made in past events, in no way shape my future events. It is the nature of my virtue contingent with my own personal being. My question, ultimately follows, a path I parody my trip backwards into a time gone by. That as I created in experiences throughout my life, I relate with my being into a present state of mind.

In conclusion to the paradox of being, much the same way we've learned from Shakespeare's question in relation to being, everything you do as an observer of there is a dichotomy of what you do as an end resulting in being.

bad habits in the same context

There's a myth that tells us, something about the way we react in certain situations, whereas the metaphysical world which is our own.

Perhaps, the world appears as it does a fair modesty? In the actual reality I live, sometimes
the meaning of the faith nourishing me gets indisposed of, as if a metaphor were in place, that is to say the opening of doors leads me to understand my inner being as if opposite were an image of myself, telling me to say different things or take action based on my perspective as result of an event in actual time. Nothing can refer back to the memory, it is a purpose touching down toward gravity all the same. This is what I propose as my interior exposing itself onto a greater good, an end that nothing else in its place can decipher, that only time will tell what in effect can actually happen. The becoming of such a methodology, I am speaking of in terms of a very perceptive individualizing of the self into a complex information, the psyche depicts what is going on in its surrounding area. This I can describe is an awareness of intimate proportions. A level of significance in the idea of living with a sixth sense, thereabout the apparatus of mind if taking in voluntary responses knowingly succeeds the effort in its place. The presumption of an incoming message to the brain activating on an acute knowledge to that end in sight, views the projected inference of mind, without realizing the consequence of the body that has weight as a gravitating independent piece of the reality I face.

This is a special kind of awareness, a certainty of metaphysical knowledge that only few possess, and I have become aware of in the process and portrayal of me being aware of it - in itself.

Metaphysical orientation within the reality of this physical world, is a realm of possibility tying together the body's reflecting of a world within doubt, not a world reflecting on its own. The metaphysical aspect of this is not a method or control, it is an offspring of probable causes that remain in tact and spiral into a known yet unknown variable. The variable does not change, the depiction of the variable is only familiar to the objective desire, an end result is not the change in and of itself.

This in theory works to manifest a challenge of creating will, disposition, concentration, and the decision to work out every moment that exceeds the common interest of man, which is to say for every unknown variable the idea that demonstrates the variable in itself, then, will turn toward a greater good known only to the self.

It is of a conceding interest that metaphysical union of mind, is a inertia of the will.

Also, to illustrate the inner dynamic between outer intervention, the form of these variables take shape in a construction of duality. That is to say, the double of you, becoming the singularity of vision taking place is simultaneous. You are happening in the event in time in everywhere possible in a fraction of ultimate proximity only you can merit.

Once this is a reality of testing variables, the truth can only surmise into knowing what is in the universe as a model, awareness is in knowing what virtue.

As character x, I am q. Character x. Therefore q.

In the following story:

x = q.

q ~ is an independent variable.

You are the independent variable.

If q. Then x. Therefore q.

The goals of intent, achievement, awareness, perception, intuition, pure reason, autonomy, judgment, genius, instinct, judgment, all of these are things directly associate with material imposition.

faith in testing

I imagine a thing. This is a world if we did not brand. What if instead of jesus, instead there was another. The point being, would we recognize this if it were true? Probably not. Therefore, in misguided effort, what if in reality everything we saw had no name, such as the make of a car that had nothing to identify it other that what we saw.

Are you king of the jews?

Jesus: You have said so.

(Both share in laughter. . .)

Jesus: no war.

(further laughter continues.)

The wool over our very eyes

By this time, you've all have heard of the Austrian senior citizen, that fathered not 1 not 2 but (+5) 7 - yes 7 - children from his own daughter held captive for over 24 years. I've heard of this sort of thing before. I took sociology in university, but nothing like this case.

The aftershock having initially struck me has since then worn off.

Now, I'm trying to empathize more with the daughter's struggle. I feel she should be viewed as a hero; which we often let our guards down because the media is so intense on exploiting what sells rather than real human interest? The reason I suggest this is, through such a hardship, nothing about it is endearing to me, however, because you or I cannot relate to such torcher or deprevation of freedom (on such a small scale) that the woman endured. It made me think, this woman isn't meant to be an inspiration, as if to say she had so much taken away from her - this in turn would be the western worlds view of such isolation. Which is why I believe for a person in her story to go through such an enormous struggle, the actions of her father be it through thinking intimidation or otherwise, something inside of her kept her strong enough to survive. She could have lost all hope, but now she has an opportunity to seek treatment in every way she deserves.

I suppose this makes her a hero in my eyes, not because of what her father did, but from the tragic aspect beneath it all, there is a life that the old man could have completely took from her - forever.

So I care to call her a tragic hero, not due to my own ignorance. That the fact remains she isn't living the good life from one moment to the next, she's a hero becasuse of misery that displaces our sense of the world which we live.

=========================

This kind of discussion resembles a time, as memory serves me correctly, that happened many - many years back. It's that this very type of logical argument, I take it has given me a rite of passage? What I'm trying to describe is a void, I could feel that I needed to pursue something greater, a certain mystery of my will. However, now that the time passed, and I can take yet another step back and look at what kind of a "brain-structure" I've developed, it's like looking into a mirror and saying, "I did it." It's reaching this kind of height due to intellect that reconnects me; it reminds me I was right to take the voyage in learning.

Nobody taught me this stuff, and fascism is something that is neglected in society today. It's an incomplete knowledge that hits you like a cemenet truck, unless you try.

When you really think about this subject matter, 'a paradox of the will' is an ingenius method of instruction.

======================
I want to hear more about old man's wife, who lived upstairs who apparantly didn't know anything about this whole thing. Twenty Four years? Three kids on the doorstep?

I won't cast her as a liar just yet, but I am calling shenanigans on the upstairs of that house. As of now, I haven't heard about her education level and if she herself was deprived in her own way.

And how do you compensate someone for 24 years of entrapment?

=======================

I think your right on taking the approach you have. I suppose re-reading my original opinion, sounds a tad over-glorifying the whole thing. There are more questions that deserve to be answered, and you hit some key points vegas.

But, from an outsiders perspective without really knowing what or why about the incest, to a certain degree we might never fully comprehend it. Therefore, we neglect to think about the other aspect when a case such as this is exposed. It forces us to think, think about how we handle the bigger picture and what role we may infer from victims of exploitation. My educated guess is that sometimes what we fail in not quite understanding, leads to impartial attitudes or purging ourselves into believing half-truths. For anyone to feel victimized sounds absurd, however, what might the first thing people on a natural instinct resolve? Again, my better opinion tells me people say, "OMG this is horrible." then remain satisfied unbeknownst turn off their tv sets and sit comfortably watching it to their hearts content without realizing it. I suppose it takes a type of internalizing or 'seperating' of what we see is normal in society, while not challenging the images that connect us to what we're watching.

My take on the matter is not personal, nor should it be, but typically the news audience might resort to minimalizing the painful reality. That is why I say she is a hero. The msiery she's suffered, is a struggle, but I witness something heroic in the sense her misery humanizes me because she survived.

Paradox of the Will

quote:
....are you meaning you're conflicted because a republican like Machiavelli wrote a guide on how to be a totalitarian monarch? there were quite a few pamphlets being published during his time, his is only notable because its a 'how to' manual, the others just talk about how great it would be. he's an interesting guy because we're not sure what his motives were for writing it, there are a lot of interesting theories that go deeper than him just being opportunistic.


Re; italics

In factuality, the question you revealed to me, colin, demostrates perfectly that it proves you understood fully the content of my message. Besides. . . the truth is subjective as my opinion is only one. A++.

Re; Merk

In all honesty, I cannot make what is the matter any clearer than I already had done. I simply stated that no one here is accusing you of anything (relating to my defense of colin persecuting you). What about the post confuses you? I said: because you keep back-peddling on the same issue that colin seems to provide you with alternatives which you've vehemently refused. That is to say, no matter what colin said you've rejurgitated the position you take. . . and that's fine. It says you beleive in what you think passionately. Please - no need to thank me. I felt obliged to clarify.

About the police-pratice jargon. . . don't take offense. It was nothing personal. That's all that needs be said about it. I said it to infer from the context I explained above^.

As for the Italian example, it was intended as a basis for modernist thought, from which I take Machiavelli as my example. Machiavelli supports the 'ideological school of thought' we've been discussing throughout this entire thread. The Prince is, IN MY OPINION, beyond a reasonable doubt a fascist's manual. There is nothing wrong with it. I use Italians as an example, relating to the fascist ideology which Machiavelli purported. You already mentioned yourself that fascist thought originated in Italy. I do not see why that should surprise you? Remember: fascists do not make an example of themselves. I stated already that fascist thought is based on free-thinking models. My observations of how Italians have been influenced, is entirely based on interpretation of Machiavelli's teachings. I simply cannot instruct this any clearer to you merk.


Quote
yeah i have difficulty with your rational of argument. you make an unorthodox statement and we're supposed to provide evidence to counter it.

That was either an attempt of irony bemusing merk, or a serious jest accoring to my use of rational thought? I will answer the latter. I believe that answer to your question is in my response above, if not to a tee, pretty close to the solution? There is nothing unorthodox in my opinion, because the subject matter of Machiavelli altogether is contingent with fascist ideology, which is the cause for Italian fascist movement, hierarchal, material ideology, as fundamental Italian archetype. That is the thesis of my argument(s) which are undeniably, (and presumably) presented therein.

=============================

Quote
I have trouble interpreting fascism as anything but a group dynamic.

^That I find hard enough not to reason against, because you're right, and I absolutely agree with you. So, to make this fair. . . I'm going to give back to you the 'confusion' you offered I hope I can at least try to clarify my position - in relating to your deductions.

What I liked about what you write re; both my opinion of Machiavelli and for lack of a better term what classify as "proletariate philosophy" credit to Marxist thought.

Both, run parallel and I find juxtaposition that we trace it as a paradox. . . if you can follow with me on this, let's call it for sake of argument a 'paradox of the will' where all men should be held as equals? Hypothetically, yes - we say of course 'why not', eh?

So, when I look at fascism based on both of your interpretations as conducive to my arguments, reflect rather identically, for no specific reason other than they represent models of a power struggle between man vs. hypocrisy. From that view point, let us now assume that beyond this rhetoric, we can identify with both Machiavelli vs. Marxist thought as one in the same for sake of argument. Ideologically, we are speaking of a different kind of power struggle, as you mentioned I failed to provide with evidence?

The 'paradox' I spoke of 'the will' is what binds the 2 different schools of thought. I think that behavior be it, machiavellian vs. proletariate is a power struggle. That should answer your question of "group dynamics". . . let me explain the 'why' with the 'how' silmultaneously happen? They happen both as interpretations; if you could imagine as equals man vs. man placed in a room, one with machiavelli's archetype of fascist ideology, the other is strictly proletariate. That is a power struggle. My point is, if unless you combine the two as working within a system, fascist thought as you mention is a 'group dynamic' will never prevail. Therefore, if you follow this as evidence toward an end, that end being fascist ideology, only one can be thought of in terms of self-interest. To clarify that 'end' albeit a desired - result or goal - the condition of a fascist movement is always present. Remember, in a room of different fascist thinkers, in this case the man vs. man act as seperate. However, the indifference between the ideologies can only create one thing, a fascist model against the state. No matter that the interpretations seem dismissive of each other, that dynamic will co-exist between rational schools of thought. The end result is not exactly the same, but, only one will prevail. . . in their minds. That is to say, each one or the other illustrates their fascist ideology as the critical proximity toward a group dynamic. Therefore, both will ulitmately lead it's own demise hitherto a 'group dynamic'. They believe they've achieved the same ends. Here is where the entire argument comes to futility: if you understand this next, everything in the argument will make sense to you. The answer is, no matter which ideology negates the other, - BUT - neither of them can in negating your autonomy.

~end argument

Colin + Mike ^ that I hope illustrates only some of the changes as you seem to have felt at odds with my arguements. If not, please know I've tried my best as has been no less done by.

P.S. This is going to sound as paranoia, however, I believe in every word I write. I know I can teach these concepts - and - I have so. The reason for my doubt is simple, since I've always been one to challenge former profs on no uncertain terms from university based on these types of subjective beliefs, what I learned is that I refuse to run from being questioned. When I think of former profs, they'd balk (for their own "reasons" albeit hypocritically) it was copping me out. I just have the feeling some of you might feel belittled as if I'm making things up? But - I am not whatsoever. This is only to give me peace of mind, that you know I'm aware.

What is fascism: the psyche

On human intelligence, thoughts, virtue of mind as one's soul, will, compassion, purity of heart etc.

Merk, we cannot argue about the same thing, people share ideas based in the topic at hand re; fascism. I'm in no way treating this as a good-cop-bad-cop "thing" to do. I can argue simply based on how patronized I feel, or how insulted it makes me, or why I dislike the practice you police this topic. . . but I do make valid points. I simply cannot force you to receive them. However, even this post warrants no belittling in sharing these ideas. I see what you write and then I agreed with you. To underestimate the other side from what you exercise would be wrong, but you treat it as selfish. I can even accept that.

What I will not accept, is someone telling me my opinion does not matter even when it does.

That is why I responded in colin's defense without resorting to personal attacks. I stated exactly why that is relevant to the topic.

In fact, fascism is an extremely important issue that few people understand as taboo as it might appear to most? Also, what inpires me to no end when relating to fascist ideology is driven by one main truth: that is in the ability to comprehend 'what is the most human thing to do'. We've already said to a certain degree what fascism entails is socialism at work.

I freely use Italian's as my example, because I admit that I hate Italians. Through that kind of thinking, it is a more liberal than racist approach. The main idea behind fascism how people equate the word 'hate' with racist beliefs than as result automatically assume that it is fascist. Nothing could be further from the truth. When saying: "I hate Italians." coming from a truly fascist frame of mind, that reference is exclusively liberal in ideology. In that view, you are free to express your thoughts, not to be confused with anti-semetic rhetoric. This is only an example to qualify the main difference between people synonymous with fascist thought, mistaking it for being purely 'racist'. If you've read my posts, the assertions I've made before this categorically stating that fascism works opposite from that level of ignorance. My example as I illustrate above justifies the ends of fascist thought, but, NEVER as a MEANS in itself. It is superimposed as a classic interpretation of liberal ideology in that it places human sacrifice in the heart of compassion toward fellowship. Remember, I said "NEVER as a MEANS in itself". Therefore, "I hate Italians." has no weight to it whatsoever. Basically, what I 've demonstrated in these paragraphs, the highest of academic officials have yet to compound into such an exact science. Think about that for a moment merk, and you in the US pay upwards of $40, 000 per calander year in order to attend Princton or Yale?

Liberal ideology is two-fold. The most important thing to guard in life is one's virtue and one's personal attachment to their autonomy. Aside from freedom, fear of having that kind of authentic personality is how the idea of fascism becomes a question. What are you're beliefs? How do you choose? What decisions can we create for ourselves depending on future events? Those are observations that link to the question YOU - yes you - asked merk.

Colin, I think covered a lot of the bases, according to what you mentioned, and I respect his intelligence for it. I don't say that to just anyone I meet either here or in the real world. You cannot just exclude a liberal attitude by claiming it's frozen in time. In fact, it is my view that juxtaposes your conservative one, and perfectly balances the discussion out!

Quite frankly, it's the best discussion I've had in a forum with you. Honestly, fascism is a fascinating concept to deal with on my own doing.


============================

Quote:

Fascism directly negates Marx's theory of a materialist interpretation of history, which is the cornerstone of Marxist thought. Also, bringing back what I said about liberalism and Fascism, the ideological design of Fascism is to place the state above the individual, whereas the liberal theory places the individual as above the state, basic Locke.

Good show lad. Nicely done!

Quote:

italian fascism, from what i've read, seems interesting

If you read the Prince by Machiavelli, it is a blue print for italian fascist thought, basically to make drones of each other in pursuing the elitist power structure model, classically man vs. man destroying itself. If you want to avoid reading it, I would reccomend observing all Italians, you'll realize they all look, and act alike. That will save you a lot of time and energy. If you read on Antonio Gramschi you'll probably be way better off, just don't take my word for it.

========================================

In colin's defense I'd have to agree with the fact, that in my opinion, merk makes it sound as if a barber-shop quartet should categorically be classified as right-wing pro-fascist movement? Ultimately, colin gives a fair counter-intelligent analysis. Merk has created a double edged sword while being persecuted, yes - persecuted - by colin. We're accusing merk of nothing, other than his flawed (what else is new?) approach to reasoning. For example: the real thing happening in the democratic race between Clinton/Obama, is that truly, bird-watching enthusiasts probably would be better suited for nomination. Colin is stating the obvious: that there are alternatives to fascism, that merk has completely ignored or either stubbornly refuses to acknowledge, is over-infused with Americanized whistle blowing conservative ideology. This is the same reason merk continues to insult Mike's more proper form of validation, mike strictly based on principle won't take a penalty for. Ethically we on the brighter side that care about rules; NOT TO BEAT A DEAD HORSE MERK. Colin has challenged you admirably well. Bravo colin. Bravo.

On the reverse side of the argument, merk continues to believe whatever he wants to. Fascism does not come with a label that reads, "retard friendly responses only". There can be no excuse when backing off that kind of argument, (note: I'm not trying to single out merk here, a lot of people act like this every time they feel challenged. . . I on the other hand have absolutely no respect for it.) merk will only believe what he wants to, such is American conservative ideology in its entirety. Merk unfortunately is not alone in his brand of thinking. So be it.

============================


One of the main reasons I'm at odds re; machiavelli, I find troubling when relating to such superficial power stuggle, is that there lacks purpose behind it. It seems as if a myth playing iiself out of - chance. - The mystery surrounding such ideology is also unclear, which leads me to believe that Machiavelli wrote this for some ulterior motive, other than as a hard core Roman Catholic deity of the sort? Perhaps it had great ambition in it's day, which is why it seems prevelant or at least relevant, but in no way am I tying words of the scripture as if the Bible were meant for Italian world domination. However, believe me when I tell you that may very well be what Machiavelli's intent inspired. Therefore, I take a lucrative look at how both Italians seem so seemingly narcissist in the real world? My thoughts in opinion of elitist Italian-archetype-figures, probably take it upon themselves as versace-look-a-likes to forbid any kind of experiencing real human emotion, or it becomes a weakness. In other words, emotion acts as a kryptonite. When you look at the renaissance or how Italians created the Opera as a form of concert combined with theatre in the art might help explain something.

The Opera is for a very wealthy statesman, "more" devoid, born "less" emotionally unto individuality.

When I come to think of Italians I live and work with in today's society where I feel it is their duty not to make it appear like I am an equal? As if I am not worthy to be in such company of strangers? Further to these observations, which I have substantial evidence of in my personal experience with Italians it is a kind of suffering, a sense of vague indifference when communicating with you.

Believe you me, the fat lady sings like there's no tomorrow if an Italians hand were to ever rock my cradle. . . that is to say, I do not stand for my tolerance being tested. I can't put it any clearer or any fairer than I have at this precise moment right now. Humility is such a strong virtue to possess, not for those that pose a detriment to me or my loved ones though.

Theory and practice

To participate in the methods and models of a true fascist mentality are as follows:

I'd have to agree that merk's argument is fundamentally sound. However, it is better known the lesser between two evils of fascism, that complacency is an issue that stems from merk's form of government. Which is to say that the complacency within a system, whether it is left-wing or right-wing bias, is a reflection of the entire citizenship of an autonomous state. Therefore, complacency can be identified as the insurance to maintain a status quo, thereby is a form of assembly (e.g. the citizen) within a country. What this means is that merk's assertion as it were true, that complacency to abide by such principles within an autonomous state can only be described as representing the Will of the Majority (i.e. status quo). Essentially this is an accurate view as Merk pointed out of man vs. state.

Complacency is thereby the main issue when instead, fascism as we know it can no longer hold the balance of power?

What this above statement signifies. . . is that if the balance of power is compromised, it is only because the will of the status quo has shifted against the norm, or as we can elude to it is in fact a revolt against the states power.

However, we must ensure that fascism cannot be confused with as a power struggle. It is my opinion that so many people within the status quo should be held accountable for their ignorance toward what fascism really is; when in reality people have no idea they take their personal freedom for granted by playing as puppets to the states ideological power. Truly, there is a ratification to be had, when people in general have no idea that they cause a power struggle against their fellow man: only helps reinforce the states power against the will of joe-public.

Furthermore, I articulate these as my own findings which I pass is based on fascism. A hero like Che Guevara was a true liberal.

====================================

re; mike

I am just going to say it; my argument word for word is not only fair but as close to fucking flawless as it gets when it comes to fascism (without the bull-shitting) no strings attached.

Therefore, I feel it is my duty to address your point of view, which I am quite positive details a somewhat, more or less, apathetic tolerance toward fascism. Apathetic in terms of how ignorance plays a part in the roles of individuals who have no idea what fascism really entails? You know it, I know it, vagrants have no clue about these details.

Fascism is not the source fighting against complacency. In order for you to make sense of what that actually involves, is that you cannot "help" a complacent individual, because they're in a sense always ignorant, not so much as deviant, to the norm(s) inherent in life or for sake of argument their daily misgivings upon passing to each other as individuals in society. Therefore, "fascism is not the source fighting against complacency" is in fact a true statement. If any individual is complacent, going through the motions, comfortable with what they live for, lead ordinary existence without challenge. So to speak of a fascist ideology is in fact the truth I am telling you, that is, any complacent individual that keeps the wheels turning, in a reality that is of capitalist interest, can only be labelled as 'enemy'. It is thereby important to remember, any individual in society no matter what rank they have be it stature, status, or position of authority, cannot impose their will on any other living sentient human being. This would include but not limited to all legal, law enforcement or high ranking government officials. This is relevant both in theory and practice, checks and balances, attributing to the method of a true fascist mentality.

^The above demonstrates if you can decipher + depict the medium behind the message the perception of a true fascist movement. In fact, fascism is a form of working within the system against the individuals (a blind status quo if you will) that act complacent for their own self-interest.

That was for you mike.

And yes I am a true fascist, a true fascist in my own idea is simple. If you act against the norm, you must act on charity to bring about change, the principle being: to act only toward an end(s) but never using any means necessary to achieve that end. You must always be on the defense. I know it, because I choose to live my life this way, in a manner of asking oneself "what is the most honorable thing to do?". Anyone who'd speak of fascism on any other terms only are lying to themselves.

========================

I honestly felt I was responding to the broader category of fascism, focusing on the rights of individuals as the cause against fascism. Therefore, without construing the original focus of definition, my approach was more so made to uncover, discover, and explain what fascism is in general? Therefore, I fully understand my intent was drawn to infer from another question other than what you implied.

=========================

I hardly think of fascism, in my opinion, as a viable form of concept hitherto ideology vis-a-vis "political" attribute. I look at it as an attitude based on a persons perception, which can only be based on observation. For example: in a constructive universe built of models which range in different rights, privileges, or hierarchy, there are extreme personalities that resemble the idea of a fascist leader and/or diatribe (of course) configuring to the totalitarian regime. This kind of a state cannot be singular, nor can it provide autonomy (as is protected by Canada's Charter of rights and freedoms!) believe it or not, Pierre Trudeau specifically drafted the word 'autonomy' AS A RIGHT written into Canada's constitution (circa 1982). Thereby, autonomy as we discuss it not relating to fascism. In fact, one could argue the direct anti-thesis to fascist thought is autonomy on a much smaller scale. Basically, fascism is the abolition of autonomy within any living society made of political rule(s).

bitter enemies for desperate rivals

I find it particularly amusing, when I see some former peers of mine in a public place. The pretension I gather when encountering such an experience brings me a truly false dynamic. A couple of patrons at a local night club, seem to have made eye contact with me, but carefully pretending their best not to acknowledge my existence. It is nearly painful to watch, but I just smile back and give a heart felt smile. I suppose certain types of individuals you remember from the past you thought would be special? However, as time progresses you find out who your friends really are - or aren't - for that matter.

Part of my self-awareness used to plague me with self-contempt or feelings of regret which no longer will apply; I suppose it is a stronger more solidified sense of self-concept. Not however so confused or self-disposed basing my emotions on fear. Being self-absorbed is anti-social the deeper truth that lies beneath the skin and bones of value and self-worth. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as result, I've refused to exploit myself in trying hard to please others unlike myself.

I am normal, more so than most people I know. . .

Something in me, I believe, has grown confident in who I am as a person. So much of my personal self internally I feel a need to express through heritage. It is a matter of conviction, more so than a dogma of my own. I truly think through so much of my growing up I've done, that my natural identity is worth a lot to be thankful for. It begins with where I come from, my place of origin which is in Portugal. I've been brought up in a country, where I try to become something of myself, although emotionally I struggle with. It is my duty to be a compassionate individual who has considerable intelligence, and uses my strength for good. However, in order to create this sense of awareness, I dare to increase my opportunity with sensibility, which I choose to operate within mind, body and spirit. It is this kind of edifice in being able to uncover how important I am as a Portuguese man. This kind of thinking is not narcissistic nor is it blinded by neglect. What I feel today, is a matter of principle and isn't superficial nor is it subjective analysis. What I care about revealing requires of me to infer just how simple my life has been without concealing the nature of my true self.

As time has come and gone, I report this as my virtue over triumph. To redeem myself rather than deplete my courage to succeed.

Taking back the sunshine

I had a walk with Tanya, when I sang a song. . . it lifted my spirit. It reminded me of my innocence in life. It helped heal something I thought wasn't there, but I only needed the time to experience. The greatest thing I have in living, with honor, is my dignity. I would fight for what is most important to me.

This week, I had an inspiring rejuvination of sorts with a person who I care about very much. She was a person that I admired and to this day brings me a warmth like no other. She gave me her courage, to admit she failed me, and that is worth dying for. For everything I have in life, I recall the last time I saw my godmother, and our embrace before I caught my flight. Our eyes said something that meant, "We will meet again."

My sister has bought her first house together with her boyfriend. I understand how much it means to my sister to have something so important to her.

Honor

I believe to've made progress in the ability in being honest with myself, most of which I've turned into positive thoughts. I suppose this is a bizarre way of looking into myself with integrity? However, it is clear I've been having thoughts that certainly take on new meaning for me. I am speaking in the past tense, because my focus is on the future. My future events, which in turn, reveal what I choose to leave behind as I must. For the most part, the best things I have done up to this point in my life I describe as self-trust. To completely pursue the obstacles, without premeditating any potential outcomes, I can seek the truth in any situation I desire. That is an essential life skill, in and of itself, that requires happiness as a virtue of my own. Furthermore, let it be my fortune that no man can surmise his only benefit in underestimating or undermining my vestige.

Dearest Hosanna

god help me.
This I love.
I have found my achilles heel,
as the narcissist runs blind.
Better fortune in time.

Easter Sunday confessional

I feel an irony of this year's Easter weekend happening for me all over again, as if a ghost summoned from my past? Perhaps, my senses are at a new found heightened level of awareness that has been found. I can be certain it is an emergence of some sort, a kind of renewal actively seeking itself. A part of me has grown exponentially over the years, more specifically due to my recent awakening, as I find myself in a place of peace within my soul.

For this much to have in my life, at this moment, I believe nothing will change that. All I can look forward to is how everything I share seems to be perfectly in sync with my world view.

Easter can mean many things such as chocolate covered Easter candy, to many different people, I see myself taking what life brings for chance unlike anything I've experienced ever before.

Negative thoughts

In the past six months I've gone through what has been a significant increase in my self-perception. Judging from my previous experience, this radical awareness that I've become more in touch with my true sense of self. My self-image is kept under serious scrutiny in how I feel about myself and my responsibility to myself as an individual in managing those emotions, or in other words, I'm not as self-critical when examining my own insecurity. When in the past the results of meaningless details would make up my entire world-view, now, I realize my mistakes allow me to focus on why I may have failed on a particular task.

I credit my therapy with Dr. Gordon.

What's helped me come to terms with the false beliefs I might otherwise had felt overwhelmed, such as, my pursuit in acting was important. I can be satisfied with being in control of my future whatever the chances are; if my destiny in this case is to work with my dad in his cleaning business I am not living in a fantasy world or feel guilty of a unfulfilling fantasy.

My desire is not to be telling fairy tales, but happier to make positive chioces in my life. I know in my heart that I can count on the present manner I'm expressing is about action.

Matrix Evolution

One of the more intriguing aspects of the movie The Matrix Revolutions is what this film represents. In the movie there is a tribe of renegades (humans) trying to combat hostile forces dominated by machines (super-cyborgs-nation). In order to infiltrate the superior autonomous race of machine, the human race had been reduced to supplying the machine world with energy resources. Humanity was extinguished due to the inhabitable conditions of planet Earth, which were caused by humans immoral consumption (by virtue of greed) destroying the planets renewable fossil fuels, as result, through nuclear warfare against the machines. In turn, the machines adopted humans as the primary energy source through use entropy, which the human body can only produce it's own electric property.

I titled this 'evolution' because of the significant changes that I see in the movie, however, subjected to my interpretation are independent therefore in no way have mention within the story. (note: Because this is my adaptation of the actual story, it serves as a critique relating to it in a positive manner.)

There is irony in the quasi-factual metaphor of a world dominated by machines, which is not stated clearly enough. In reality the film is made to make-believe that machines have the power to reverse the entire course of humanity, based on a pseudo-modified perspective that machines (not humans) are autonomous therefore have civil rights, ecetera, hitherto pertaining to laws, regulations, and all that there is in command. Essentially, the human race is nothing, whereas the weather has no implications on humanity, waging war, and have no respect to resolution or settling indifference, impartial to all human activity.

There is no after-life, as only death seems immanent remains as the one true course of all ‘rejected’ humans that live in a subterranean world called ‘Zion’. In the movie, everything is backwards given only to alienate a known non-fictional world of possibility.

In the movie the machines appear only to destroy Zion. The desperate situation is to make peace with the machines. The machines created a program where the factory of non-living sentient, benign, pro-creating humans are linked. There are agents, which the program deploys to ensure order is maintained against any hacking that may disrupt the machines system in the matrix.

Only once a hero emerges to combat the machines agents, can the program be saved from agent-Smith developing its own regenerating super-race. The matrix is destroyed once and for all, after Neo joins the machines to preserve a model of self-awareness that can save humanity. The moral of the story is the classical perseverance of human sacrifice and emotion. This allows the machines to interact with all things in the matrix being equal. The question is of blind faith, and whether or not humanity can extinguish itself, or continue to live freely in the capacity it once had established? Neo becomes part of the machine world, completely unaware of the matrix. Neo - now a part of the machine, Neo enters the matrix in order to destroy agent-Smith. Agent Smith represents an internal conflict that replicates itself as if a virus, which the external cause of humanity must overcome.

Coffee. . . over exceptional quality

A buried supernatural intensity -
discovery?
Blended,
rich,
distinct flavor
of a distant memory.
A passion fulfilled with delicacy
it drips to the core.
The human mind is in perfect company,
drowning into that silky-latte.
Please -
please remember me dark pool of soul,
as my lips brace for the fine entry of this substance.
A shinning glimmer in my eyes.
A sense of vision which is reminding me to savor
such bold flavor.
A taste so entranced.
Magnificantly smooth.
I do admire how I must savor every last word,
delicate in nature.
How I hate not to draw from such attention.
However, I am quite a marvelous fanatic
when it comes to sharing.
Alien canary sing!
Style over Starbucks,
and potential philosophies we reveal.
A choice it sounds misread,
a choice it sounds misheard,
a choice it sounds mistunderstood.
Today I celebrate my passion.
A voice uninterrupted.
A life more misinterpreted.
I represent no superficial union.
To calculate my connetion of a shadowy figure.
No cure,
no cares,
no concern.
Only the cost of living with change in my pocket.
A finite paradox of paradise once lost is found,
and for a brief moment in history I am entitled to benefit.
From this recourse of imagination,
I enter a feast without starving.

There is something incredibly unattractive about life, that being, I am desperate for an answer. My inhibitions might seem unfair or too hard on myself for that lack of knowledge? However, I am completely unaware of what I need to do for myself. After 8+ years of doing everything in my power to transform my life, I feel, that I've failed in doing. It is a self-defeatist mentality that seems I am ready to give-in to. I seriously feel lost in the recent episode that is my life. I have done everything not to feel sorry for myself, but to try and prevent this kind of thing from happening. Yet, here I am dealing with my worst fears. The one thing I feared the most, which is, to be unhappy with my life. I have nothing. It is my worst fear come true, instead of the world I imagined that might be worth living in.

Unfortunately, there's not much I can say that puts a smile on my face lately. The one positive I might confess to is about taking a new lease on life? Recently having quit my first full time job would be the reason. On a side note: I took it upon myself to stand on a weight scale. As of this week I weigh as much as I did over 8 years ago. More importantly what am I going to do next? I've tried so hard to do the best that I can. What I feel is completely undeserving, unwanted, failure as result of my efforts. There is no better way to describe it to myself at this point. It is terribly difficult not to be negative during this time; I should be trying everything to keep things positive. I feel that faith in myself is all I have left in me. Nothing else.

If I were to present reality as I see it, I am not qualified to do something that requires skill. My actors training is all I have. I sit here without any satisfaction to lead my life. It is a terrible - terrible feeling. However, I have no choice but to be honest.

I am not going to be somebody who cuts himself short, by settling for any type of job "that nobody else wants." I want to work, but with a clear sense of independence. I care to be somebody that enjoys getting up in the morning. The past 8+years of my life just haven't added up to it, yet I've done everything in my power trying to realize it without success.

arrested development

There are only four questions of value in life, What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.

I simply cannot comprehend myself in such a moment of seizure within my soul. I read the last entry and it speaks so much of me that is true. I needed peace and the kind of self-acceptance that I seeked seems so far out of reach right now? My grief is so intense I forget about life.

Maturity

If I am a fighter, I am not weak.
If I want a laptop, it does not make my life complete.
If I care about the questions I ask, answers do not matter.
If the truth is very confusing, there is still my self respect.
If the worst insult I can think of were true, it only adds to my injury.

All of these are things that money cannot buy.
I wish enemies admired.

I am glad about the things that I am not.
The things that no longer apply to me.

Depression is one of those things.

For the longest time, I was afraid to move due to my illness.
Today, I look back at the debilitating part of my life and it scares me.
I feel sadness and empathy for myself due to the unhappiness of my experience.
Experience which I did not deserve, but failed to be aware of it.

Those are scary thoughts.

Square One

It is hard to fathom my reality as a 30 year old man that I am. The fact for what it's worth is I'm driven more by failure. If the opposite were true, I'd probably be the most successful person I know! On the other hand, perhaps I am blind in when it comes to what defines success or failure as it were. What I can talk to is myself in pursuit of what truly defines my character? Is success the measure of my dignity? What have I hoped to had accomplished in terms of failure? To me, the one true asset that makes me distinct has been my unmistakable character. I do not deny the truth, which is why as I look back into my past, like it was yesterday. My intuition is as clear as a sunny day, when I use to think how distinguished and respected I would become. I would dream of it in such high spirit. I can live those moments as if they happened only a minute ago. Today, I am 30 years old. Now, I live a moment of truth, that for some reason or other hasn't quite happened as of yet. It makes me wonder about where my curiosity came from so long ago. Had it completely vanished that I still recall the exact same feelings as I thought of it some time when I was 20-something? Have I reached my peak?

Through everything I've been through, the assets of such a younger man seem as if this is just a reality check. However, I love that person who believed in what future lay ahead for me. I was a strong, well-liked person, with a sense of will-to-succeed that emancipated the core of my soul. Come to think of it, back then I probably didn't care to realize how gifted a man I would be that could possibly describe such as myself an individual. There is irony in all of this after all!

A purpose I serve is in fighting for what I have never really left me. I can give myself credit for that dating back those years past.

Marco was not wrong about myself after all.

The Power of Logical Thinking

There are some things about life from which I may never fully come to understand. I realize that in order to accept my reality, there is a lot to consider than what may lay beneath the surface. The outer world I live in and make a part of seems as trivial to myself now as it did for me when I first tried to make sense of the world around me, I suppose the real difference being, there's never been one straight answer for what all of this might signify. When I start to think about where I've gone, my thoughts travel instantly to where I've come from. To answer the first part, I must look back in search for my true inspiration to find necessity. This time-travel is not delusional on my part, it is necessary I recollect the past in my effort. For instance, I used to find limitations within my surroundings: as if the external part of my being would only limit me from becoming what I truly desired most. Now, looking back at that time seems much clearer to me than it did before. In short, did my experience not happen? Of course it did! (I was only not aware of it.) My point being questions of this nature are parallel to me without the cost of confusing myself.

This all speaks to me about, what changes have I made in my life that I've chosen to endure. Somehow, the poetry or the acting all mean so little to me, yet I never realized why I decided to consume the depression I suffered as result of many years of self-destructing habits. I need to change my ways, and I did what I needed to intuitively so. My greatest aspirations were ambitious in changing, adapting, transforming the inner part of my psyche into a magical sort of disguise. I was only unaware of it myself - being the challenge I somehow knew I had to undertake.

Today, I can see how important my decisions have become.

I'm reading an intriguing book as of late on the subject of happiness. I believe it inspires me, because I am worth it.

Transition into my livlihood as an adult

The best way to describe the kind of feelings I have presently are in a word: unsettling. It reminds me of the worst parts of my life up to now. Presumably, I could have titled this personal entry, "Transition into my life as an adult: not an easy task" or "Avoiding how to be an adult: the fear of growing up" - or - "No one said it'd be okay to be on-again-off-again: Marco's manual to a permanent holiday" - or - "The Perfect Guide: From past to present everything you need to do but never thought it'll ever apply to you" - or - "Growing up too fast (. . . while you fall behind.)" I have no idea where I should go with this meaning. My point being, that through the pain and struggle I've felt I've endured, I seriously thought there'd be more to my life. However, as is the case I am working in an environment that demands I work full-time hours during a midnight shift no questions asked on a regular basis. Is this to much to expect from myself as an adult, or am I giving too much of myself to a cause that supposedly is a measure of my success? After all, the "privileges" I must own, are through choices I must make + create for myself in society.

In short, this entire entry is either a rant without a trace of satisfaction, mixed together with self-indulgence, self-pity, and boredom.

As of today, the work I do is resulting in co-workers I do not trust nor respect. The managements idea of promoting group-cohesion is non-existent in implementing good strategies among it's co-workers but are blind to bottom-line "low cost" production. In short - my work-place is a monster-monopoly that cares about little else within promoting a positive ethical framework within the organization.

Now, the point I am making with regards to myself as an adult is not to be used vaguely. Nor is it my duty in signalling something ambiguous that really doesn't appear as reality. On the contrary. As I've become what I am today, my message here is simple: do I care about myself enough that my awareness of a situation as in my workplace? The answer is yes.

I want to focus on concentrating on the positive things I can control as an entity myself. It is my right. Therefore, the paradox I'm currently in do I want to be somebody who takes action or the kind of person that exhibits no solution which the consequences as I see them are. This is type of condition my heart has developed no matter how much I feel betrayed with regard to my psyche. In my mind, I have ability to keep challenging myself into moving further ahead of the game, going in the same direction that enables me to turn next. There are no ultimatums involved, or influences that speak candidly to me in my future as an adult, these are some of the valuable things I have learned to participate in without any other reason.

I am by no means an expert in success but know I have an idea about what being an adult entails. However, I am not going to stand by and watch the time pass without my use of discretion informing my better judgement. That is what being an adult means to me.

Outlawed Insomnia

From the distance of the moon,
you might find me waiting.
The glowing light shinning down above me.
A great presence that fills me with delight.
A pale moonlight in the sky.
A perfect taco shaped memory.

I am frustrated in trying to find my place in life. What I feel I've become, doesn't make sense. It's a realization of how the world has changed.

Marco is not going bald

When I think about the pain, anguish or suffering I've experienced, it's all supposed to mean something. The mystery that's unravelled has seemed to be not worth the wait for wear. However, I never really knew what I was to expect. Today, after ears of having been through university made me realize how much little truly materialized. It makes me wonder if I should have taken some time to travel as reward for my graduating from university? Instead, I was eager to be on my way without really giving myself any thought. Therefore, the choice I made was one of relief, that I was able enough to survive the struggles I faced in university.

I remember a time my confidence was met with indifference. A lot has changed since then, and that is the purpose of this message I write. Perhaps, I needed to gain ground upon losing touch with my inner self. I need to reconnect with my soul, that once had so much promise, I literally ran on my faith alone.

Somewhere along the line, I lost touch with the faith I had of myself. It was a blind faith. However, it was the kind of faith that only I know I possess within me.

Two songs come to mind, "She's fresh - fresh. . . exciting." is part of the chorus. The other song goes like this, "This is how we do it - it's Friday night." Those songs remind me of the time I was connected without a care in the world. It's what I call 'old school'. It was a time I felt alive. A time that looking back, tells me I've done a lot of good things in my life. That I can still be that same person, or better still, I am that person. . . the truth is I've developed a change of heart.

My change of heart I'm referring to is trying to re-connect with that time I've lost. I can re-evaluate what I've become today, established with where I've come from. That is an invaluable lesson to have learned.

The part of me that has come to realize I still am connected, is combined with the alter-ego of mine. The part of me that says: I deserve more. The reason for this is my present job. I think to myself, why did I attend university? I'm working for a company I never even heard of, being paid hourly wage on a night-shift premium. What did I do to deserve that? As I begin to realize what my common sense is telling, that the truth is I expected coming from university meant life stopped where my diploma hangs. In reality, I must still work for whatever it is I do.

Dr. Gordon summed it up best for me last week, "Life isn't so bad."

I am having serious doubts about where I'm working, I don't know how much longer I should wait before looking for work elsewhere.

Happiness is something very fragile these days. I'm growing, but less and less happy because of what I see about myself. I don't consider myself 'happy' with what I'm becoming. The main reason for this unhappiness is more dealing with my position in regards to work + identity. I've tried to resist the Internet, that's taken so much of my time and energy that put into it. Now I realize the Internet became an addiction that truly emancipated my weaknesses. I hate the Internet now. It's ironic that this is my only cource of refuge in terms of expressing myself. This is the sad truth.

Conditional Discharge

The choices I've made have a consequence. As result it is my feeling I have taken hold onto a short end of the stick. Instead, I'm working within a company that has just hired me as a full-time employee working on the night shift selection team. All I can allow myself to admit, are due to the choices I've made. Nothing can turn me off from that. It seems as if my bleeding heart makes up for none of it, no matter how hard I wish it could. I rather blame everyone else but me, yet, I have no sense of other purpose in my life. I feel stuck in the direction I'm heading.

Even worse, is that no matter how sad I am about myself, that doesn't change anything. I want to care about myself, without thinking that anything else matters. I literally hated seeing other people that were at a party over the week-end, I wish I could be happier - but somehow I felt forgotten. It was as though I was out of place. I look back at a person I use to be among those same group of peers, and that I use to act without a care in the world. Things have drastically shifted in the time that's passed.

Today I found out that my supervisor is connected to some people who I despise. My feelings of animosity where I work were only reinforced due to this information that blind-sided me. Instead, I must continue to work and earn a living! The members of this company have made it a monopoly. I feel the one true reason my supervisor asked me to work with the company, is due to the fact he did a favor for my dad?

There is a void inside of me, my internal conflict is a void that runs deep within my psyche. I've done a lot of work in trying to escape from it completely. I suppose this is why Dr. Gordon is ready to give up on trying to help me with a diagnosis. During my last visit, all but confirmed Dr. Gordon's intent was to about to change without really updating me on it until the time is right for him to tell me, "There's really nothing else I can do for you. You're reluctance is what's getting the the best of you, there's no more time or effort to put to waste because you've refused to accept the challenge, instead you've calculated everything. In fact, you've made a point of not testing your limits in terms of how far you can reach. We cannot stretch this any further, our interviews are done."

I have no idea how to put this into any other context. Instead, I have to 'own' the truth that I made a choice. From what I observed Dr. Gordon has put himself in my shoes, and he sees I've decided to make other choices. The problems I've faced in dealing with these choices are consequences I am still struggling to cope with.

For instance, this past week-end I was feeling anxious being in an environment of former friends. People I am not use to seeing on a regular basis, as I replay the images in my mind, all I feel is a sense of contempt about those people. I simply cannot believe this has been my 'choice' (as Dr. Gordon has taught me to deal with):

a) because I made a choice follows. . .
b) I must deal with the consequence + result regardless of whether the outcome is right or wrong.

The struggle is completely arduous. I feel no self worth, and my self-esteem is so degrading, I cannot face the people I am filled with contempt for I have a voice that only wants to confess how much I despise them.

My point in all of this as I ask myself 'why'? Why is this so hard, and why must I go through this?

Another example of my discretion happened over the Thanksgiving holiday, during our dinner party. There is a person I dislike that attended the dinner, only because I feel judged by this said individual. To make a long story short, I must for my better sake tune him out. Unfortunately, the said individual I find to be completely at odds with, suggests his behavior serves total disregard for anyone else.

It is this type of opinion I continue to deal with, in search for an answer, but I am hardly able to find.

Matthew Good. Hospital Music.

I have listened to this album in its entirety. Unfortunately, it is the single most pretentious album of his collection in making music. The product itself is engaging enough for the average listener. However, the meaning behind the message as Matt Good would convey as 'personal' or 'intimate' tell a different story. A man which claims he has 'nothing to hide' because he's lying through his teeth about how naive and impressionable he thought of is ex-wife is a mockery of true vulnerability. It makes the music less endearing to the ear. In fact, selling out his fans is the truth in all of this, the ones (such as myself) who've fallen off of the wagon, from what the former mgb-band was all about have all disappeared. Matt Good vanished over night, when he decided it was more important to make things appear as though announcing his bi-polar disorder somehow would save his career. Sadly enough, through the so-called irony that is present in the life of Matt Good. . . it probably serves him right.

P.S. Note: facebook is a gimmick. The machine is called the Internet. You decide.

Thanksgiving day in Canada

There is a lot to be thankful for, especially with the health in my family, we are stronger together as we've ever been before. We are blessed. I am happy about that. I also feel stronger in the relationships I've developed involved with Tanya, and seeing how much happier things have gone in my sister's new found relationship with Chris.

So much of what I've felt recently has taken its toll and to say the very least can only be described as arduous. The tasks I've undergone in order to survive some of the worst fears I've experienced have come full circle. I have gone to therapy in the capacity I need to cope with some guidance given, that I've learned to 'own' my thoughts, in action, as I must fully accept those are choices I make myself. The "I living to succeed" Marco. The Marco I used to avoid, but getting better at least trying to accept things I would altogether rather not.

Before anything else happens between Dr. Gordon and myself, I get the feeling Dr. Gordon has seen the last of me? What that entails is, I'm beginning to think that Dr. Gordon wants me to do things on my own. I suppose he's right. If what I believe is the case, I am merely preparing myself in a context of what I might expect in that case.

I understand the meaning of making choices, even if they are right or wrong, I must accept myself as the beneficiary of those consequences whether I like it or not. That is the single most valuable lesson I can attribute learning from as a human being.

I am seriously questioning my position in life right now. First I take into account how I suffer at my present place of employment. It is a feeling which I describe as discouragement. Through completing my first week since officially being hired; I've witnessed some issues I have with several of the other workers. My main issue is of trust with the more 'experienced' people who've been working with the company longer. I feel borderline discriminated against as a result of the people which fit into that bracket in large part, are also the one's who make more money. Consequently, this creates a competitive environment based on monetary capital which the company induces with an incentive program. Therefore, the incentive program promotes divisiveness among it's employees. Of course, I am no exception to the rules and it is for this reason a sense of apathy is involved within the company. It is also for this reason, those who fail to see this yet demonstrate the idea are not aware of how this affects performance on an equal level. This indicates a lack of leadership within the organization as a whole.

On a separate level, the supervisor that I directly report to has made a habit of giving priority to the more senior employees in the same division of the company I work in. (I make a part of the selection crew.) As of today, our company's incentive program is as follows:

If we select an average quota of 1000 pieces per shift work - without making an errors (i.e. mistakes = miscounting the item) this factors into 20. cents per case. If the selector makes no errors they can also earn an extra 50$ bonus.

What I argue is that it's impossible for every individual that contributes to the company's selection crew, that this entire group responsible for selecting the orders will pick 1000 pieces each shift. Therefore, this follows the selection process directly influences my own potential earning power. My argument is that the senior selectors have made a habit of picking orders (within the companies guidelines) meeting the criteria necessary. As result directly effects my lower picking bracket, and I also argue reflects on my performance. The reason I suggest this is because the margin of errors I produce are at a much higher risk due to my inexperience. However, because the senior type of selectors have made it a habit to increase there numbers of picking orders, my area for improvement is without a doubt lower than expected. There is no such authority to anticipate or manipulate my cause for concern, it will always be indicative of senior selectors being able to limit my own rate-of-success. I simply cannot put it any clearer.
In fact, I do not confuse this argument with my ability or confidence, it only means I question whether working for this company within this structure (the way it is set in MY words) is worth competing in? These are serious questions, that I would consider are infallible.

Especially when you consider how the company wants it's selectors to succeed, this in turn, does not quite measure up to expectations within the selecting-process among the co-workers. Of course, it is a blind irony (. . . as I mentioned earlier) promotes apathy we are unaware of as a group. Therefore, resulting in 'blind' apathy which can be seen but not heard. For example: within the company, there are blind among us leading the blind. I hope I have made myself clear in this matter. Again, I cannot put myself any simpler than that.

It is indicative of many issues present within this organization. It stems from leadership issues in resource management. I would welcome the opportunity if this letter establishes clarity within the company in offering solutions to ratify these problems. The purpose would be to share, and perhaps ratify these aspects in particular in lieu of some verification.

Smile Marco Smile

I had a decent nights work since I began my shift yesterday @8pm. Today is Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, I must confess that the 'taking time to reflect' + 'giving thanks' has something to do with my thought processes as of this moment.

So much to describe in such short detail, I believe I can deliver my message of hope in some former-to-present statement.

The truth is. . . I walked out of a small coffee junction on Corydon. Ave. in Winnipeg during my afternoon out with Tanya. All I remember is exiting the premesis with my natural smile on my face. More importantly: there I was smiling while I witnessed someone in direct view of me caught a small sampling of myself. A portion of my true uncandid self, openly sharing something without hiding any of what I had to offer. Not because the person who was there and saw me, but because the entire moment I had experienced became worth how unconsciously aware we both were staring straight at each other. It really was a neat thing to see myself in such a beautiful kind of space. Even writing about it seems sureal enough to notice just how really special it was for me in particular. I would go as far to say I loved myself for an unexpected visit to my inner-self. A check-in at the heart I knew exists inside.

I heavily gaurd my feelings and emotions in such a manner, I must confess works dead against me. Perhaps, it is the reality I choose not to face fear head on, when in truth, the reality I have to offer is not in vain after all. These words are a perfect example of an epiphany in the life of Marco.

It all draws me back to my week-end, as I begin the week at my job Sun. - Thur. every week.

The flash backs to Dr. Gordon's office.
My mom accusing me of being only filled with 'hate'.
The event on Sat. night which I attended with Tanya.

So much of what I can now know is happening to me stems from this week-end. My mental state is stable as its ever been in terms of coping with my emotional set-backs, which also entail feelings of mass confusion surrounding my outer self.

First: my emotions are completely internal. What happens on the 'outside' is what I cannot control.

Second: My feelings are in connection to the reality that's taking place constantly - on a daily level - though I cannot control the environment around me - what I observe affects me due to my necessary limits. (i.e. method in thinking = cost benefit analysis) In other words, the way I think (e.g. about myself) not only does it influence the way that I act, but also relates to why I feel the way I do. I am the cause of those emotions.

Third: Everyhting I've contributed in making my observations re; ^my first+second 'choices' both are in reference to what I've learned in my therapy + consultations with Dr. Gordon.

I firmly believe Dr. Gordon knows I can take control of my own destiny, both inner-conflicts + psychological well-being, instead of relying on his 'shelter' for my lack conscious desire to make up the effort necessary to succeed on my own. The most practical deviation from Dr. Gordon's practice has been 'OWNING' = my emotions. In a way I've spent the past 10 years (I'm not even kidding here) in attributing myself with such critical thinking skills. I can now say I am willing to take that next step in the challenge if there are many in the road ahead?

Especially due to the fact I've made a habit in avoiding things, I must take responsibility when dealing with circumstances:

a) if reacting to things with the same amount of 'confidence' . . . follows. . .
b) 'confidence' I have in taking place of my emotional self.

Both 'a+b' = consequences. Therefore, if consequences - therefore understanding. Therefore, if understanding, then - solutions.


The main difficulty I've had to face is in search of my identity. The identity I once had, that somehow I must relate to in a caring + pure manner of being true to myself. Those are the emotions I once neglected for fear of pursuing a greater me. This is me!

Shooting Star

When I look back to last night, I wonder about how Dr. Gordon's interviews with me have gone. Dr. Gordon usually directs my attention to one small yet significant detail: "Be comfortable in your own skin." The advice is seemingless, but effective. When I place myself into the context of being "in my own skin" it's been a devastating experience, something I would describe as working my entire life to do just that. I can't say I've succeeded, in fact, I have only failed. However, time and time again I continue to try. Why - why I ask myself.

The truth is in all the time I've been given to take charge in this world we live, my inner voice gives me harsh passing judgments. I must tune them out. Instead, I visualize everything as it develops in front of my eyes. The challenge is reaching within those limits, without pushing my boundaries in excessive self-deception, lies, or doubts that linger whispering softly to me.

I bury last night without a shovel into the depth of my hollowness.

There were two evident things that were said to me, that I felt I did not deserve, but were candid gestures made. "Hi big guy." "Thanks for coming Marco, it's nice to see you." These immaterial gestures were given to me from past figures in my life, after years of torment in being isolated by them. I had not spoken a word to these people in over 8+ years. The thought strikes me as 'unbelievable' but Marco fought long and hard to survive it's aftermath.

In spite of going back to work tomorrow, the past month has been one of the most tiring since recently turning thirty.

Last night was a disaster.

In the absence of glamour

After having spoken with someone regarding how I feel, I'm making a choice to attend a function this evening. I rather not say what this event entails. What I mainly care about right now, has more to do with my relationship with Dr. Gordon.

Seeing Dr. Gordon yesterday made me realize how small I am. For some odd reason, I felt Dr. Gordon was at odds with me? I wasn't sure what to make of it, I'm still not sure what to think. Dr. Gordon respects me, yet he expects me to take ownership of my habits. Therefore, I have no reason to blame anyone - not blaming myself - or anyone else in the process. This agonzing time for me comes with so much unwanted. I never provoked this. Yet, I feel at a loss for words.

Dr. Gordon reminded me that I have a brain to make cost benefit analysis. In other words, I can do things that make me happy in life.

My main obstacle Dr. Gordon would tell me: I prevent my own happiness from taking place.
For sake of argument; I'd completely defy that sense of logic. It makes no sense to me why I would choose NOT to be happy? However, that is exactly what the Dr. tells me. . . I supposepeople would probably agree with him on that . It is fair not to assume anything other than I cause my own unhappiness. It brings me back to square one. What is happiness to me, is independent for everyone. That is the medium of Dr. Gordon's message.

1- I suffer from depression because of it.
2 - Dr. Gordon's belief tells me that I have the ability to overcome it.

My instincts told me Dr. Gordon thinks I can be ambitious. The same reason I do not think I'm adequate to accomplish anything Dr. Gordon attributes to my own lack of self-esteem.

I wish it were different. Dr. Gordon is not a magical wizard that makes my life better. Dr. Gordon has helped me realize my difficulties. However, my visit with Dr. Gordon yesterday was less than helpful. It made me realize where the truth lay. I have realized Dr. Gordon has nothing to do with the truth, he's only made forced me to realize I am the cause of my depression. That my thoughts are the source of it.

I cannot change at the snap of a finger. I am built a certain way, that I will not change. It is an attitude problem as (Dr. Gordon points toward me.)

And yet, through it all, all of my time spent in therapy, all of the money for medication, here I am absorbing it all. What is the purpose I ask myself. What is my purpose? A purpose of exterme unhappiness, is all I own at the moment. I feel tricked because of my own self-doing.

I can't sleep. I'm trying to figure out the thoughts going through my head right now. Life to me seems unfair. It is difficult to cope with the label, "You do it to yourself." that my psychiatrist keeps sticking on me. I hate it.

My past needs to stay right where it is, yet it is ironic that it is because of the past that so many of my issues revolve around the present problems I'm currently facing. For starters, I've been hired "officially" as an employee in my first ever f/t job. My Dr. calls this a tremendous achievement, though, I find it quite the opposite. For some strange reason I feel a void, an indifference, a kind of direct impartiality about what point I've reached in my life up to this moment. I suppose it is in a sense, the obligation to myself, that seems to keep me at odds with my present situation. Perhaps I find it is my nature lay hidden beneath all?

As I look back to the time I upgraded my marks in high-school it was all done for a purpose. My intent was to apply for university, as that's what I naturally saw as my true calling. That was in 1995-1996. . . fast forward to 2007.

Today I am a 30 year old hetero-sexual male, still trying to describe my identity as I've become. Through it all I graduated with a 2006 - B.A. of Arts Degree. I have my doctor to thank for the support he's given. I thank my parents.

These are some of the positive aspects.

Through the adversity what I choose to say about myself means so much more today, than what has happened in the past. I know everything in my past happened for a reason. I could be thankful because I have the sweetest parents in the world, who've treated me with respect, and because I admire them both is what's given me strength.

I refer to Dr. Gordon in light of the fact, I can sit here typing this in front of my computer screen. The idea that I must 'own' my inhibitions is what truly inspires me as of this minute. It captures me with a serene amount of intensity.

The justification behind my premonitions/revelations are in an effort to speak only about myself. As I mentioned before I began writing this, my Dr. taught me, "You do it to yourself." Ideally, this is my release of emotions. Emotionally, triggering the inner conflict within my soul, since I choose to express them here. It is the truth.

I needed this time to take a step backward, and reflect on so much that has happened lately. It's been terribly difficult to make sense of, I have to make this a duty for myself. I couldn't depend on my Dr. - or - anything other than turning to myself for answers. The solutions were in short supply.

I was afraid at getting to this point. A point that I needed to become aware of myself in such a manner of speaking, with the real Marco. Marco and I have been through a lot together in fear of making things work. I am happy to report, Marco and I are married and have plans for bigger + better things to come. It seems like only yesterday when I had no idea where I'd end up, put I took the plunge. The year was 1996. I had a terrible car accident, that ended my hopes in playing football again for the D.M.C.I. Maroons. Injuries I could not escape. The peer group that I left behind, I would describe as over-achievers were a breed striving to be 'Head of the Class'. In today's day and age, I recall in aspiring to more than just status. That time in my life was a about personal growth, in believing there had to be something more to life in confiding to. Questions to be answered in a greater scheme. (I think I was alone in my group.) That time in my life as an adolescent, endearing as it was, became an eye opener in trying my best to relate to what '?' was going to happen to all of us? What would come 'next'? For me, it was seemless.

My lack of understanding what freedom is about, applying yourself no matter what the cost as long as it was responsibly done with good honesty was a roller coaster for me. I was a good person both inside and out, until trouble with juggling university studies, a girl-friend, a job became too much. I wanted it all. I had no idea it was too much for one person to deal with at my age. It made me suffer heavily. Depression from the break-up, not knowing where to turn to, trying to find peace in my life was such a setback. A struggle with keeping my job I was not happy working. My demise from making an impact in my university studies set me on probationary status and I was a complete mess. Years passed. . . I started separating myself from the group I normally associated with. My distance caused more depression, as I tried my best to make sense of it, I began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-depressants. My life changed ever since that ordeal, but there was no looking back. (I guess 'looking back' today makes up for lost time.)

The ground I've covered from then is as though swinging from a vine. I remember a guy named Marco that I wanted so desperately to show could be Tarzan - King of the Jungle. Today, I am not the same guy I was then. Only smarter.

I have been discouraged lately. My mind has been a waste. I've seen Dr. Gordon. Happiness seems I don't deserve.

Ulterior motives. My brain is filled with anxiety + apprehension = thoughts. I feel nervous. My visit with Dr. Gordon tomorrow is not something I can look forward too. I hate my job + I hate myself. There is no benefit to this, I don't know what else to say or how to express myself better than my doubtful self.