Expressed confessions in the history of man

Delicious
frosted fruit
as only
nature
intended?
I contest is ritualled. -
The imagination whispered
- no pain!
An indispensable sense of urgency;
I've developed.
No risk:
of inferior disposal.
Yes, and a lack of undisputed fear.
All I needed to hear of it.
For in kind, from that I listened. . .
in stolen thought.
That I wanted to toss my hat
into the air, and as it
came through its force of gravity
the world would flip over in
all its beauty.
Counter intuitive are
when skeptics become doubters in
themselves.
Contradictory are messages
not to follow them.

Out of sight

I have been told of making honest mistakes!
A kind of dead wood that lightning striked;
on impact?
All the less honorable. . .
is to make believe.
Of tall magnificant creatures on two legs -
and a brain for matters.
In each,
each moment.
Vanity
-accompanied me.
How not I will be, upstaged.
Such delinquency of thoughts.
Whereas words formed my opinion,
more than a rational ability.
I transformed the postive recognition,
I received in feeled why.
I devoted this sense of decency to a secret.
My own indifference.
My own identity.
My defects.
My deficiencies.
I detected.
The power of a noble order intentioned.
The hierarchy of this thing we call life
as I know it.
Depression, rules of no revenge.
The depression with an indifference,
is defected of its deficiency.

Adversary

I just arrived home from work!
Given the fact;
my day went entirely as I planned!
The decision to experience lovely thoughts:
how different I've become?
That a chill caused me to want.
I am no culprit to courtesy.

Demiurge

He himself is a crucible;
only for he himself has failed everyman?
He for himself:
before and after!
He of himself -
is nothing to laugh
- about.

Woodstock in conscious

Peanuts cracked?
Like peanuts do!
And I love to read. . .
childrens novels.
I can read (about) many:
different stories.
I am a sensible object;
in offering solution.
I'm in a field of public opinion.
In a world filled with cartoon animals.

29

I am 29. I am officially 'old'. I can't deny it. 10 years since I was 19 years of age and I wonder where the time has gone? You cannot maximize happiness, my happiness, is a choice. It is not only a privilege, it is a right!

My biggest fear to conquer. . . is the nature of my independence. How will I survive financially? I must accept this as my responsibility to succeed. In order to succeed, I must accept this as my responsibility.

From Zero to One

I used to interfere with myself?
A kind of habit that I made only mistakes;
costed me the belief of earning what I deserve!
A false kind of hope in self-defeat.
My depression would sink in,
feeling lost and cornered.
I set mouse traps instead.
SUCCESS IS MINE.

Elvis Presley's Hair-do

I've never felt this "less reluctant". . .
as I do now?

I don't worry over new beginnings!

I don't need attend another university;
as I write these words.

My school is done:
I will not be attending anymore of.

Today, I had a vision of my happiness.

Neared the process of completion

The concept of forgiveness;
not a 'charity',
per se?
The compassion of being forgived:
not made with the act
of an apology!
Ignorance is not a matter of
instant gratification.
First I walked the talk.
Then I talked the walk.
Served a common good of self esteem.
A plate of shattered colors.

Consequences during business hours

The circus is in town;
you can feel 'the buzz'. . .
is in the air?
Difficulty to ride in amusement style!
Wide empty spaces between:
playing with dominos.
Finders keepers,
losers weepers.
In search of instant gratification
an edification of intellect.

Trickery

There's been something in my eyelash;
consisting of. . .
destiny?
Skill:
- and -
Divine intervention!

A depressing thought

The will I smile with!
That nothing I pray?
The thought of a refrained;
uncomforting emptiness. . .
dwells deep within.
It is my will of compassion:
what I do to keep a well trimmed
slim body.

August Night

There's something about the way it smells outside;
this late evening.
It must be summer in Winnipeg!
Yes, that is the familiar scent?
It's this time in August.
In the center of gravity:
as I take it all away.
The dragon's tears.
A band of gypsies.
Push up after push up.

Returned and recovered

My assets?
I have a few!
I get praise for selling my ideas;
without an attitude.
The sign:
- of letting go.
Silence is golden.
Over a matter of annoyance -
I trusted.
Censored.
Missed it.

Today is a good day. . .

My grandparents have now celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. It is a wonderful achievement! I spoke with my grandmother, and she loved my girlfriend in the picture we had sent. I feel lucky to be with Tanya, because she makes me happy. Tanya and I would like to visit my grandmother in 2007.

Swirling Meal Tickets

Take cover,
but do not despair.
This too will pass.

Effexor

Some nightmares.
Nausea.
Mood (fears).

These are symptoms of the anti-depressant I am taking.

There's a thin line between danger and deception being on the medication? However, all my actions are about consequences not cirmustances due to the drug itself.

The side-effects are my mood swings (signs of depression/anxiety etc.), nightmares that repeat on and on, and dizziness from the nausea if I fail to take the medication through an extended period.

The chemical imbalance (since I am unable to somehow "naturally" produce) makes me depressed?

------------------

This week, I bought a pair of Blue Bomber tickets for the next home game in Winnipeg against the Toronto Argonauts. The game is next week, 2 days before my birthday. It's become a tradition of sorts, because the Bomber's have played around the same time my birthday is. The first football game I ever attended was with my father. My dad and I went for my birthday, and we played the Edmonton Eskimos. The Bomber's won the game.

My job at Safeway has been good.

I loved the Honda Civic I saw in the showroom today!

My current situation

I need to start looking for another job. I'm beginning to lose faith in myself. I know that my parents already don't trust what it is I am doing with my life.

1 - since sitting in Dr. Gordon's office this week my life has changed.
2 - my parents are extremely upset with me.

Unfriendly

You only hurt yourself.
With that kind of attitude.
You only hurt yourself.
Mr. Big Shot. . .
artist.
A kind of mystery,
the kind you nicely curse of.

The cat's fortune

There is a strange type of coincidence;
when I travel to rescue the scared cat
from a tree top. -
In respect:
- to the assets I've covered.
I sell my ideas?
Void of a shark tank below!
My story of human sacrifice.

Disciplined self conscious

I am beginning to wonder if the real me - is for real or not.
My best friend.
I have never loved a persons
body
- as much as hers.
Her name is, Tanya.

Counting

Last night I apologized
to my parents for how
I've behaved
the previous-night
we argued.
I have not had a promising
past 24 hours.

For every 2 bad bricks
there are 998 good ones.

I don't know where to begin.

Perfectly Dreamed

I've dedicated;
I've plotted:
I've deserved. . .
an ethical pride!
I've porked out
on my ethnicity,
concerned for my
happiness in noodles?
A sloppy unorganized baby-sitter.
A license to steal.
A boss no one can be recognized as.
I'm an expert in weight loss-prevention.

Award me with peaches

Put me back together;
- crawled the spider?
Nuts and honey: -
CRUNCH!

Safe in amnesty

From the distance have I learned?
I am weak with revenge.
I regretted, it.
Everything such is love is my skilled act;
of an apology.
Everything such is love!
That the person feeled, me.
That is I.
That is my mistake.
That I mistaked me for:
the act of an apology.
The apology of an act gone through its revenge.
I've gone through the amnesty:
of a moral self regard.
An intention without immoral or unethical grounds. . .
for reasoning.
I reverted my intention to a duty.
An introspected part of both introvertion and extrovertions.
I investigated things,
not uncharacteristic of my own virtue.
I needed to change.
Not, just the change in me.

Tattoo Artist

Fire is a symbol.
The thought that crossed my mind.
A story of survival;
across a lake onto the island of great elk.
In Manitoba where bears roam?
Black Bears:
- From Winnipeg! -
Like footprints in the sand trailed. . .
Grand Beach, MB.
Where Surfer Girls dream BIG dreams.
A vast lake.
A parable followed,
between a moral high-jinx and a moral high-
ground.
Walked on water.
Modelled a potion of perfect position,
like a saluted statue.
The kind invoked with its mouth wide open.
You are somebody
else once you've
reached the status
of myth or legend.
Speedos for Jesus.
Jesus for Speedos.
Whatever was said, it needed
to be addressed nicely and without
the isolation.

Crosswords of a neurosis

In this land of time!
Between paradise and wonder;
I am honest:
with myself.
About?
I've no doubts in my mind,
like a paper weight.
That, I've exceeded. . .
everything in life.

Modern Day Extrovert

My introvertion has been blinded.
Let it go. . .
don't speak!
My shoes are now yours?
Mr. Thought of mine.
The best prediction against defense
is an outer body experience.

Form, the prejudice. . . A sombrero

The courtesy of shame is no usual
resignation from desire or one's intellect?
The inferior dissapearing act -
of discrimination, gone!
In lonely abandon.
A mosiac of grapes
unchracteristic of a
melting pot.
To suffer the pain of humiliation
not hurt in agony of defeat;
like swimming in splash of chlorine.
I'll turn the Titanic around,
as I sample in the
bakery.
My eaten cherries frozen, sliced.
I take a break from the law:
except on holidays,
naturally.
On hot summer days in August.
What do I allow myself
to be,
cried common sense asking me.

Chocolate and fries for the rent money.
My life-works are tropically imported.

Hostility not in music

- A delicious choice over small talk!
Spare tires that swing from tree tops? -
I've seen it all before;
. . . but not:
peace in bribery.
I'm indecisive.
I preferred to have remained
anonymous in pink rays of sunlight.
Synonymous with the veil of tender loving flesh.
Painted my skin, like a striped zebra.
A nice suntanned body.
An ignorant desperation,
like a concealed weapon made
like a drum beat.
That, I existed in no conservative effort.
Everything, put behind me
without a very - very - very
expensive can opener.

Skull Faced

I'd kill for a
sense of humor. . .
The biology of
conspiracy, feared?
What I said had -
almost nothing to do
- without you.
That this is what my life
would be like taking
no sympathy from you!
Don't speak; and letting go.
Things appeared as naturally:
not as they are.
Stupidty or sense of humor,
desperate in rational compassion.

Well, maybe not how generous

I'm trying to make sense of my situation with my new job. I wasn't sure what to expect? However, I can express some of my thoughts. How generous of me. Why generous?

I ask myself the same thing:

What do other people that work with me really expect?
- I suppose I can anticipate the need to work is not a reflection of how generous of those that are there already.
- Generosity is not a common factor displayed, "Oh thanks for working so hard."
- Everyone I work with is immune to several of these factors. I am no exception.

There are no rules. . . only I don't speak of the (or 'if' any. . .) generosity or a lack thereof.

Undisputed Heavyweight

The lazy state of emergency:
A victory full of nasty-drama.
The 'champ' is. . .
designed.
I've trained;
- in making decisions
best. -

Complained

I thought the mystery was over?
But, wrong I was!
How can you help;
fit together a bigger piece of the puzzle. . .
into a bigger picture.
If we do again:
good things happen.
I see everything you can.

Bite sized coffee

double standards
double edge swords
I use them both when making predictions,
come true.

Made in the future

The story of one's intimate nature is doubted beyond. . .
until something transforms:
how soft?
Why tender flakes of gold glittered in such thoughts;
like the dust.
From just cheap-talk.
I was once an oxen that became a wooly mammoth.
The only difference being,
that one is extinct -
and
- the other is blind.

All the names

My name;
is not 'Attitude'.
I am simply:
proving to be worth proving it!
Provided, that you embrace that I have. . .
changed?
That I would fight for every dollar,
inch-by-inch-by-inch.
I am more capable than nothing it provides me.
We're all on the same team.
I do agree with,
the timing of a less important situation.
Given the thought of many past and present events,
like the developing parts of a woman's anatomy.
Or -
the enemy that makes difficult choices more difficult. -
I have been through a lot,
tasks not extreme.
Something like its worn shoes before a long walk on the beach.
A nest of birds feeding, a flock.

Vanity

Joy is happiness from the mother's womb.
Stakes raised high.
Act, the enemy done in poor taste.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." (Aristotle, 384 - 322 BC)

Armed and dangerous

Transporting a crooked plant!
Though to me: it seems vulnerable.
Like shucking corn?
A dream world filled with happiness;
the day started out like any other day.

The weight of gravity

What cannot honestly be?
Is stolen!
Incidentally; the intended -
a cause.
Stop or I'll shoot . . .
I'll survive the punishment.
signaled: of an idiosyncratic fault.

Tears of destination

the myth vs. reality
a nature of behavior
the study of greeds absence
in color.
the alk of such despair
from the shadow of a tree's
shade, not possessed.
In a land of
chocolate cherries
and rubber nectarines
Through it all,
I am miles ahead
of you. . .
in getting the most
out of life.

Coarse Salt

Like the pumping, runned through my veins.
I am the blood!
That, I get easily confused once upsetted?
Then, I tell myself to slow-down.
That I maked;
to guess of.
To have' guessed of its nature. . .
how comforted I must be.
I focused on no important things:
that unethical it feeled.
Random in my mind.
A vision.
That of nothing,
not unethically obligated.
That hided my intelligence of a fairer virtue.

Workmanship

I have given time;
sugar. . .
no tea with sugar.
I wrote this as though?
No lack of interest!
My, as my own.

When I was a teenaged warewolf

The complacency I react with can sometimes be how to predicate, what about my future might be? The future is a powerful source - or as I believe - makes me think in solutions to things. Suffering now will payoff later in life. Not trying is for losers!

In my beliefs, the dogma, from which positive energy comes into being and the negativity of thoughts cannot penetrate the soul. What exists in my distance of a future that creates my predicted past?

From what distance is the future?

Instead of criticizing others, I concentrate on my own work.

This idea is straightforward and simple. . . reality not 'fantasy' of a future.

Minor Injury

I refuse to
bring down with
me; hands that
touch me own.

What is success

What about my success? What success is! I've become a kind of promised monk; that the things I used to feel inadequately of myself no longer exist. It's a personal kind of matter. One that grows into me personally and spiritually as well. My arms feels as though they are outstretched. Open wide.

I can say a lot more about my success story.

I think of myself as no ordinary individual, but I can see how well I've managed to become something of myself in time. My beliefs are filled with transparency and honesty regarding the events that have happened in my life up to this point.

Part of me was gullible, compared to why I believed I was 'no good'. That part of me hasn't evaporated, it's been renamed. . . loyalty. My loyalty is a strength. Many people recognize me because of how good natured I am.

Success is not economics or propoganda, as in, observing what to do or act a certain manner. However, I have slowly earned my own self respect and that no one can take away from me.

A neurosis feared

No limits of importance.
That taking off:
in matters of opportunities granted?
I jamp over the water;
into another puddle!
SPLOOSHED.
My fuel for thought.
My hunger for a shot of fruit punch. . .
that aroma it filled my nostrils.

Today

I have come a long way from being closer, to the near death experience I had as a teen-ager. When I was 17. I had just had my 18'th birthday. I really didn't experience life. It was the car accident. Not BECAUSE of the car accident. What if I blamed myself, because of the guilt over that tragedy in my life?

What a way to begin my life as an adult.

It was August 28, between 2-4 in the afternoon around Flacon Lake in Mantioba. I was driving back home to Winnipeg from Kenora. Someone was sitting next to me in the passenger seat. Her name is Amanda. Amanda was asleep. I fell asleep at the wheel. During the final moment that I did finally wake up, it was too late. The car rolled into a ditch.

But here I am, today.

The me and the I

The, I factored in;
then there was. . . me.
It's all about:
ME?
I almost died!
Embarassed by the fact
that no one else
can tell my guilt from,
safely.
Not short on confidence, safely
without the temper.
The cast of ugly ducklings. . .
the cause of an
insulting behavior.
DO NOT INSULT MY BEHAVIOR.
Every show is cancelled.
None are permitted.
The karma of my mind.
The time for magical romance has arrived.
A safer kind of nudity.
A savage role reversal, psychology.
The Ugly duckling's
not I -
as I feel is it.
The conversation of man,
and its double.
A double life.
Of eternal quality.
Without my being executed or excluded,
a firm wallet in my
pocket.
Even if I wanted things
that either listen to me,
or lack the flavor.
Savage, material objects.
Without my being executed or excluded,
DO NOT INSULT MY BEHAVIOR.

How Happy

A retreated heaven!
I've defeated myself?
The responsibility of an authority;
my faith in loyalty.
Hypocrisy, of an unconditional-love.

Humility

I feel virtually no hostility;
it is a feeling of longing!
That, I have become in this?
The reason being -
my new found search for truth.
When, as I have
- in such a daring manner.
What, one does once they've reached that pinnacle.
Not that I pretend to feel as I become.

Bank Robbery

There is a difficult time,
that once I felt something. . .
strangely.
Though at the time of being asked;
what amount?
How much I did not recollect!
I only wanted ransom:
a large portion of it.

A demon's tale

There is a demon:
called depression.
I do not wish for this;
I want it to go away.
When it does come?
I feel isolated,
and my own thoughts
are interrupted!

I want the demon to go away,

but it keeps me company when I least welcome it.

Throwing the hammer down

The difference between the act of jealousy and conceit is a fair comparison. I often wonder how people reject the idea.

It seems to me that whatever people appear to be on the surface of life, doesn't matter as much until they seem to show off an inhibition beyond what was meant from the original point of contact.

To illustrate the example, I found myself being tested.

The question is: how to "test" if there exists a difference in knowing jealousy vs. conceit. The nature must be a characteristic presented in doubt of something happening, because the trust involves ones personification or identification with the other individual causing a test.

The answer to the question is: jealousy can exist but it is depending upon the level of conceit another person provides.

(This is a metaphysical proposition.)

1) You cannot cancel one thing or the other thing acting on conceit or jealousy.
2) People in general, are not easily confronted with jealousy or conceit nor can it be anticipated.
3) Ones participation does not reflect a choice being made not does it interfere with it being replicated by another.

The conclusions -

as an example of examining the relation between conceit and jealousy? I'm reminded of a time that a person I know, I was forced in responding to a question I did not initiate. "Why, jealous?" The intent of the person, related to a gift that had not been opened. My observation of the event, was that I could not cover my lack of jealousy through the manner which was expressed. Did I act with conceit? (Was the question a probable misconception, that the conceit I displayed to understand the person's question?) I interpreted the question in one way and one way only. If I mirrored the concept of jealousy as such, then my conceit is the manner in which the person who asked expressed their pleasure. Therefore, my own interpretation could only have covered the other person's noble gesture. Could I have possibly answered, "No, I'm sorry but I am presently too conceited to be jealous of anything."

today is mardi

It took me only a couple of days, but I finally figured something out! It was on Saturday night. The woman that propositioned me. . . she's a prostitute. The fact is that it probably did occur to me, because of her mannerisms and movements. She gave no false impression of being someone that wanted to talk to me.

As she sat down next to me, and lit up her cigarette. "You look like your going to pass out here. You been here a while." Next thing I knew, she thought she already picked me up. I gave her no response, other than wanting her to believe I thought she might be genuinely interested in me. She wasn't.

After that brief exchange; the woman who arrived unexpectedly, all of the sudden, again changed the situation. Her focus was not on me, but on her not finding the extra money she needed for the night. Along with that came the pat on the shoulder she gave to me, and as she parted with her gesture expressed a phrase filled with conceit. The exact words are unable to be recalled from memory.

Sadly, it made me ponder with the execution of myself being there presented with this mistress in that moment.

My question now is how could I have not known instantly. Perhaps, indeed I did intuitively may have questioned her motive? However, the cause for my advancement was not one to reciprocate the prostitute. She wanted a sure sign, she would take advantage of an opportunity as it presented itself.

I almost guessed something was wrong with me, but I sure did not know the what this all meant at the time. Now, I see it was not a mistake I made. On the contrary. It proved I am only human. The mistake I almost made, was allow this prostitute to make me feel inferior about myself. It might have made more sense, if I automatically knew what the experience I was in involved.

To me this is all rather shocking. To think back and now fully understand what had happened without truly compreheding what was going on during that brief moment. It happened so fast, that I actually thought something was wrong with me.

Life is funny that way, it brings you to a path and the paradox of choices you make. And, in this case a choice that I can fully take the credit. A twinlkle in my eye, like a spiritual advisor whispered into my ear so only I can hear the voice. "Don't do it, be strong." And it scared the prostitute into thinking, her cover was blown.

Dwight D Eisenhower -

Most things which are urgent are not important, and most things which are important are not urgent.

It was as though I thought about what had happened, at that moment, and realized the prostitute was the person at fault. But how did I know, possibly a metaphsyical phenomenon of this nature can exist?

There is an answer.

My purpose is to be something like a leader, and true leaders are those that decide in the moment of truth what happens.

I could have felt guilty, if I allowed the prostitute to get the better of my emotions, for even if a split second the prostitute thought about victimizing me. She would have succeeded had I felt defenseless before she trapped me.

The point is that the prostitute did not succeed.

As so many things in my life, like the tragedy of my car accident, or hitting my head in a ski accident. I am uncertain.

My uncertainty results in everything that has become so permanent in my life, like tragedy of these ordeals, such as accidents involving my past. My history has nothing to do with a past life, or a former self. I have always been resiliant and stoic in leading by my own example.

Eisenhower-
Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it.

My motivation hasn't been to take advantage of anything or anybody. People, who know what spirituality means but actually have no real connection through the mind or body. It is my spirituality that has protected me from standing on the edge of reason. Only my essence as a human being can I travel far.

Racing in the War Canoe

The sound of raging water;
not far below. . .
in the distance beneath the echo.
A drum beats loudly:
louder then the rain.
When you lead a life,
as tragic as my own?
Wearing a rain coat!
But I've aged,
wisely.

Because of the accident

Accidents, were made to happen?
Are they;
now in the perfect position to honor. . .
what effect it might have.
How did the purpose become decided!
Do you know the effects of what you do:
and how it becomes a factor.

Rebounded

I was given the impression;
of airing my dirty laundry?
With the exception of it being displayed!
The assets of acting as an accomplished individual:
in assuming what can only be assumed.
Through my sense of urgency.
Like a palm tree. . .
or a branch of cherries.

Nauseated with feelings

If I tell you what not to ask of me;
will you lend me your ear?
However, do not ask me about how,
or how many!
I often get disgusted with the,
take-one, take-two, take-three.
You see my double:
you have seen me before and after, that time.
Now I can imagine,
being in a movie with that same moment.
The moment you recognized me. . .
playing good cop / bad cop.
Jeckyl and Hyde.
My raw hide,
knowing between the reality and
the ideal.
Faded into memory.

The over-achieved

It is that heightened sense of ambition!
I would hope the ears;
could possibly not be as infected?
Though somewhere through the. . .
make-believe world.
The avant-garde:
half of its wanted-to,
- the common sense tells you not to.

An Inexcusable Obsession

With the comedy of errors;
I drive through the shade.
My mind in a hurry!
Is it lumber that I hear,
being hammered together?
A little castle:
dead on arrival.
What setted me off,
was the few of us getting whatever they
could, big or small, for whatever they had to offer.
A compliment of my character inhibition.
I thought. . .
if boundaries were made to protect a perfect world.
Boundaries in a perfect world not threatened of disillusion.
Not disillusioned.
These boundaries of my true character.
Like Rambo,
peddling.
Like Elvis,
nobody can steal my dancing shoes.
Something unethical about the truth in a lie.
Where boundary of character,
is the universal truth.
When seen, every disease known to man.
The likely story of survival,
the noble lie,
the delusioned truth.
Like Canada,
in this country.
Pieces of me, taken care of, my love.
A huge mystery -
not to be cured.
- If it were enough,
big, bigger, biggest.
Vaulted into the reception of a prince.

The lottery

Today, could be the day. . .
everyone understands me!
To help a person;
like myself.
Though sometimes,
my mind is not where it often should be?
Like winning:
the lottery.
Even if you craved for it,
have you heard about such a 'craving'.
I crave raisin pie and a cup of coffee.
I do not crave,
the television as a solution to bordom.
BORDEM.
Like playing:
the lottery.
But on days like these,
there are many different choices to be made.
None of them suggested,
that somehow a lottery has been won.
My needs are much fewer than imagining how,
a lottery could satisfy every desire.
Winning the lottery is not special,
but a fantasy for sure.
I have craved the taste of nothing in particular.
Just a chance:
the lottery prize.
Concepts of logical twists and turns,
the lottery was never one of them.
You do what you can,
and never once craving the lottery.
It becomes forgotton.
What should I do, now.
What can I be doing,
while the mind shuts its blinds down.
Perhaps, dreaming of the lottery.
The prize.
The $$$.
But none of those things.
None of it.
None, of it matters.
And I continue to be less negligent,
then pretending if I won.
Then, people would say as if they stopped
dead in their curiosity.
Look - look at that man.
Pointing in my direction.
He acts as though he just won something.
Young man, they would ask me:
did you just win the lottery.
And I would smile and lie to them.
Yes, yes I would lie to them all in shame.
Embarassed.
No, no I did not win the lottery.
Just to get the reaction.
That they would expect?
I did win the lottery.
But not because they thought I did.
Only because I know better,
that they would not think the lottery.
In my own private thoughts,
of a supermarket.
In a gorilla costume,
and a gallery of milk.

Tales of an Add-h mind. . .

At the moment there is nothing wrong with me. Considering, how restless I can be. . . I feel I have been able to manage with myself. I'm doing just fine.

In fact, I am not feeling depressed, but I've also been able to manage my mood. That being said; shows what a long journey that's made me suffer. However, I do not continue to suffer! I don't feel like I always used to get, if things were not going my way? If things weren't going my way: I would let it bother me. I'd be low on self-esteem. It'd be something that I could not control. I ask should I have changed the way I already have, couldn't be easy, without being commited to changing. I shouldn't look at my life's circumstances, because I can always believe in the person I have become.

The truth is that I have changed every bit as much from a time I used to describe me.

There was a time, when all I thought was, "He's going to get screwed." Who is 'he'? It was myself.

That was then, this is now.

My inner voice no longer says you're "screwed". It has made me stronger.

Unwrapped

Gifts of fine coffee spoons!
In the days of jealous-raging animals?
But, on several ocassional incidents;
of a high-powered intention.
In the future. . .
perhaps.
In the future:
something like candy.
Something not like candy,
but more like
a competition.
A competition between empathy,
and for the defeated enemy.
A life-saver of the thought objective.
That looks of common-sense,
a convenience has in its own rewards.
Something like a tourist,
on a permanent field-trip.

Heavy hearted

In such times of distraction;
the few minutes left are?
Probably, from a further distance!
The, greatest gift of all came from memory:
of my childhood rearing mother and father.
My childhood sibling, my sister.
The safety of how loving a life.

Head-Butt

I was asked;
"My boyfriend says he doesn't
trust people, more specifically,
actors with no real common
sense perception."
To which I replied then, "You
must think you have a pretty
smart boyfriend."
To which begged the question:
is her boyfriend not an outlaw?
Boy, did I have a good laugh!
Free-loading where the cookie jar
is hidden, kept from
view.
To which the truth, is
only a common sense,
advantage.
The trade of artistic moments,
those of scissors and a Chinese lantern.
That a lesson of disbelief.
All in the direction of desire.

Northern Rose

To the southernmost exterior,
the interior of its land. . .
there is a colony.
Something majestic?
In the experiment,
the conclusions were:
filled with mistakes and regrets.
In the context of a bully;
research has shown the nature of god.
Though, not thought of in place of ruins!
In time, the trust for such high standards,
the shoes became too big.
Like old mother hubbard.
Therefore, everything in the response came only
with a ripe piece of fresh watermelon.
So that everyone would pass it around to enjoy.
The ship has set sail,
and the victory already won
that it did not matter if thier was a winner.
Only losers.
The losers mattered most of all.
The tests have given the results,
that seeds from the juicy watermelon float if compared
to soil in water.
The seeds are spit out, not swallowed.
Such enormous shoes to wear without any reason not to.
Why, swallow a world of seedless tasty watermelon without.
Roses and bear claws.

A bushel of assets

There is something about spontaneity;
that I know.
That I know?
That I, know!
How such a cause:
makes me smile.
All of it. . .
for the misery of happiness,
that mystery of purpose.

Where Pride Counts

Why the Potuguese could not find how to beat the royal blue of France in Germany? I guess the streak will continue, due to the penalty kick awarded. The reward for this match was a trip to the World Cup Final against Italy is not meant to be! However, the french were not going to score another goal in the game, if Portugal would have tied it. No one will ever know, unless a crazy man on his parachute, should he have glided down into the stadium unannounced might have saved the day for Portugal before France was given a penalty kick.

Lunar Landings

A vague recollection from memory,
that costed how much in time. . .
of a quiet faint sound.
I have formed;
a trusted organizational indifference.
Where there is:
love?
There is controversy!
Where there is,
interference,
there is,
tolerance.
For all I have wanted,
I may have lost of it.
And, quite the contradiction of affairs,
between the face of challenge.
I swing in from the ceiling of broken dreams.
Only to help in seeing.
It has disappeared,
into a categorical error in judgment.
From an emotional surface of breaking ground,
the barriers of resistance.
The execution.

Feared of response

Thank god for; cherries!?
The, that king:
has reduced the price of grapes.
That foolish pride.
Much like. . .
THE LOUDER VOICE.
That noise of expectant mother's,
with the idea of pregnant thoughts.
The most feared of reactions,
or not.
In such purpose I proposed,
a candle lit on in the distance.
For such pleasure of preparing and method in
my journey home.
Some find in ecstasy.
Where nothing remains casual upon my interest of choice.
I have invented a rythym.
Not as haunting as my own.
A game of pick-up-sticks.
Reached nirvana.
And in death as do I honor, the.
The sweet tasting blueberries,
of that a righteous sense I odor.

The Forgotten One

There come moments that are;
in any man!
That of a man's life?
Whereas fate and consequence meet:
not found beneath his feet.
But rather no longer vulnerable or as. . .
intimidated in facing the elements for surprise.
That he can smell the rain.
That once upon a time,
all meaning was lost.
It disappeared, and generated thoughts
of pure intellect and delight.
When truth not despair, gave me the rejoicing
and saved me from dejection.
The same delight in not having feared the worst is over.
The same kind of a meaningless afterthought,
that only the stars start raining down upon you.
Such vibrant rays of light.
There are many moments in time.

Many of these moments,
that a man is no longer vulnerable.

Many of these moments,
that a man is no longer thought of.

Many of these thoughts,
that a man is no longer intimidated
and face the elements.

And for starters everything that has been revealed,
was only required.

Limited in thought, but shared in great abundance.

The difference

As tears surround an island of watchful people;
the sun has risen this time.
And, the modest occassion of beautiful - creation!
Such a ritual of bones and beards?
That in this difference I may appear:
like a child reborn.

My allegory

I've been searching for some answers, to questions that have been weighing on my mind. The fact of the matter, is the questions are a mystery. Something that I have had trouble with in revealing myself, it reminds me of feeling insecure.

After reflecting the truth about why things are the way they are, a few ideas has crossed my purpose of consideration.

Look, I don't mean to sound defensive. The reality of your situation I only based my honest opinion. It in no way characterizes you as an individual or how obnoxious you can come across on this board, when you alienate others with your own opinions. I know I have done that, which is why I said what you might want to consider. All I see you is resisting it, and that is saying a lot.

I guess you interpreted what I feel, with what you thought matters most? In your case I neglect the fact you consider $$money$$ as a motivating factor. I do not. In fact my ambition might compare the same way as yours if you try enough to see where I am coming from!If people that earn more than I do, with or without the qualifications involved, regardless of which 'aa' or person 'bb' is qualified more.That also means, I have the same ambition or lack desire depending on circumstantial criteria. However, the truth is when I make an effort to do the necessary things that does not include material $$things$$ I base my greed on not how much I earn, but the self respect I deserve. Which sadly you might be blinded because of your need to be bigger than those around you.

The answer to this question is straight forward and simple, tamala. No one can blame you for being awesome either. Think about it. What if they paid you for being "awesome". Although I know you intended it as a figure of speech. If you can impede me on that, you'll know what that meant is so much of what people with "above-average" intelligence fail to understand, - you or me - are as defenseless against others (not) to be highly patronized. It doesn't matter what you earn, where you work, or how you earn it. . . "less objective" people do not refer to any one race, individual or person of a group.

Listen, all I said was I neglected the fact that $$money$$ was her motivating factor. Money is motivation, but not for everyone. People that display talent for whatever the job, might not do it for the money at all, but would rather be "the boss". A government job would not appeal to me in that case. In tamara's case, I think she should re-evaluate that part of her life. I have ended friendships based on the limitations people set such as the ones I described above, out of principle, and my own independence.

Dinosaur Eggs

There was a time that hatched;
and inside the shell were fossil remains.
The bones were constructed,
and formed a shape?
That revealed a great many things!
Everything was beautiful beneath the surface of the egg:
and its edification.
A perfect world that I imagined. . .
safe.
My mosiac of thought.
Awoke, from a dream that I was sleeping with giants.

Sleeping with giants

I have a few minutes to express what I need to express. My job at Safeway is pretty good. I feel like I want more in life, and I need time to relax. Just be with myself for a while. The decisions I've made, have helped me become what I have become. It is that self-doubt that creeps in, sometimes - that I need to refocus myself. When I experience the kind thoughts of which some are negative, I must concentrate on why, and eliminate what causes me experiencing them. I feel that I need to slow down if I am overwhelmed with things. I often panic with anxiety, if I lose my concentration. I think helping my parents has been positive for me. I still live at home, and I need to continue growing.

Lately, I've had thoughts of resentment. I think about not being with my grandparents for over 28 years of my life, that I could have people that really matter closer to me. It makes me feel defenseless, if I consider was only created in my mind. Therefore, I make mistakes based on thoughts I believe might not be true.

I find myself being idealistic about life, like operating my own Starbucks in Porto, or working as a television commentator about sports. The reality is I must try my best to face the things I can do at this time in my life. Realistically speaking, those would not be the right tings for me to do right now!

Knowing I am finished university, I can look forward to bigger and better things.

My Mosiac

After seeing Portugal win in Germany, there was a celebration. I went to Sargent Ave., where I saw a lot of Portuguese people happy with the final outcome of the game.

I had a good week at work. I can only remind myself, how I can look forward to be a great individual.

Bagged Potato

I try my best;
I make myself an asset.
As tired as I am. . .
but the shoe?
I was asked where are my shoes!
I did not hear them drop:
when I hit the floor.

I like to be narrated

There is a sense of not being depressed, that I prefer to enjoy. . . being at peace. My spirit is very concealed, maybe, candid due to my depression.

The times have changed in respect to my feelings of a self regard?

Now that I work, a recent university graduate, I must remember what that achivement means to me. I need this opportunity to examine - as briefly as I can - what the challenge I put myself up to is.

Finding a job where I can further define my independence as an individual, helps renew my credibility and characteristics as a person. It helps to build my confidence, dignity, and increased the level of accomplishment.

Perhaps, this follows how Dr. Gordon meant when he told me I'd feel better about myself. Getting a job was a good step toward freeing myself from my depression. Now, I have a vision that can work for me. One of the bigger things I decided to stop doing, was when I left acting classes with Onalee. I still feel that decision was best, due to the money I would have to spend I rather save for myself. I lost my faith in Onalee. But Dr. Gordon is convinced it is my lack of determintion and consideration for myself that I'm elluding from myself, that is the reason why I stopped pursuing acting.

My reasonable conscious self, as I can only relate to Dr. Gordon's assesment that my sense of purpose was grounded as a result of quitting.

However, I still must continue no matter the consequence. My opinions are not to be validated, I trust my judgment and not anyone else has better advice to offer.

Dr. Gordon asking me to leave his practice untill I decide what I want to achieve, was a case of reality. I need to make sense of the world around me, and I needed to simplify exactly where I stood in order to rectify any potential amount of freedom I possess.

To be honest, the control factor in my behavior on and off of this keyboard spins me around in circles. I hate it, how the memory of me that I must come face to face with is almost confusing to sort everything out, seems unfair. I block those things out I suppose! I really suffer from the explanation part of it, which is the reason I write it out.

I have always had felt neglected, if I couldn't properly express what I felt I have to offer. This seems like non-sense a lot of the time. Dr. Gordon taught me that these types of inhibitions are called "negative thoughts", that give a false interpretation to the external world that sees my behavior.

Tomorrow, I work again. I've thought about the objectives associated with selling merchandise and what affect sales impact my job. I moved into an environment, where I can move ahead and realize all I have done.

My dad wants to sell the family business, and I need to move out of the house (sooner rather than later) although I seek to be happy, I wonder if ruling out moving to Portugal as an option?

Time and effort

I have a lot to express about myself on an empty stomach. Thinking on such a metaphor for the hunger I feel, but without the capacity to reason why.

A great deal has crossed my mind, with regard to my present situation, and dealing with my thoughts I find, I have been scrambling to make sense of?

I guess I should start with my day as it began yesterday, since starting Safeway - my new job - I've had excruciating headaches. It was a stress induced type, where the back of my head formed a small, bulged, pulsating target from where my headaches were.

I have been trying my best to recover, and now the headaches have gone. My concern: was with my headaches and why they related to stress.

I suppose I need to relax.

Live From Berlin

It was a latenight on New Year's Eve;
after leaving the tab for the other passenger to pay
the cab fair.
Thanks for the ride home!
I am obliged to feel this. . .
trusted of.
The night began as it ended:
a negligent few of us
pretended that it wasn't.
That it might be something worth the remaining
time we had left to midnite.
It is said to be true?
Negative thoughts impact your thinking of unlimited potential.
Somehow the identity is a caused reality.
The type of common sense that detected another person's
ignorance or condescending influence I didn't like.
A system of rewards,
where intentions are real,
false inhibitions,
reverse psychology.
All for not.
Like the social class,
apathy hits its target.
My vulnerability would be labelled "too fragile" to touch.
But tough as I am,
I swat the flies from view
and SQUASH.
The mosquito.

Oil Wells

When I sensed the loss of a purpose;
my mind grows weaker.
It retracts from the intensity of a passion!
A renewal of my greater misfortune?
A promise from myself:
that the chains I broke were there only as I imagined.
It was not the chains holding me back,
the tracks of footprints.
Soil beneath.
It is not the material I search for.
It is in every moment.
The changes that I mistake for chance.
This I thought of a common sense in history.
I have not lost my common sense for script writing,
or my common sense for such knowledge in my activities
of performing logic.

Perfected Common Sense

I have taken this reading from the pages of Jose Saramago's latest novels, "The Double". The story features a man, Tertuliano Maximo Afonso who pursues his double Antonio Claro (a.k.a. Daniel Santa Clara / actor) . Tertuliano is a history teacher, working on a project of how to study history from back to front as opposed to conventional methods of why history is taught traditional beginning to end. In Tertuliano's life: he is pursuing his double during the same time. Antonio Claro, is a man that inspires Tertuliano to research movies. This plotted through the narration of these events in metaphor, describe exactly what Tertuliano has been struggling with history. Tertuliano believes that history is a skewed model of the reality we have been caused to live with, regardless of our misconceptions of not questioning why things are the way they are. Part of Tertuliano's search for truth, involves writing Antonio Claro for contact information so that they can speak to each other face to face. The fact Tertuliano embarks on a conscious expidition, somehow relates with a kind of espionage, and ultimately crossing the border between myth and reality. It is a kind of fantasy with a phantom that plays out in Tertuliano's mind? The answer is in Tertuliano's examined approach of his double, that revealed the identity through a historical investigation using the imagination to perform it. An example of Tertuliano's techniques, is when he sits outside from the location where Antonio Claro lives. Sitting outside of the building reflects Tertuliano's inner-conflict, and the building represents Tertuliano's external self.

If asked which of the two, in his opinion, at the point we have now reached, was in charge of the game, he would feel inclined to reply, I am, although he was equally sure that the other man would think he had reason enough to give exactly the same answer if asked the same question. It did not worry him that the phone chosen for the meeting was so far from the city, it did not trouble him that Antonio Claro was intending to go armed, even though he was convinced that, contrary to his assurances, the pistol, because it would in all probability be a pistol, would be loaded. In a way that he himself realized to be totally lacking in logic, rationality, and common sense, he believed that the false beard he would wear would protect him while he was wearing it, basing this absurd belief on the firm idea that he would not take it off when they first met, only later on, when the absolute identity of hands, eyes, eyebrows, forehead, ears, nose, hair, had been agreed to the satisfaction of both.

What I bolded above^ illustrated the important feature of disguising himself, that Tertuliano plays a role in logic, rationality and common sense as the attributes associated with the mask he created.

My homage to safeway

Today.

Joanne has helped me through the Web Based Training module. I have met some good people, and I feel ready to progress. I've developed a sense of urgency toward fulfilling the objectives that I'll be able to handle myself. My duties will include responsibilities in the Produce Dept. and doing Customer Check Out. I can sense in the participation that I have done, gained a good deal of knowledge from the experience. However, in order to continue I must keep thinking about what is expected of me to deliver. I ask myself, what would I do in situations as I develop an appreciation and awareness that remains open yet independant in the work.

My observations are to mirror what expectations are required of me.

The purpose of prepared division

The greed that gives me the strength,
within myself.
A magnetic force that draws me near;
the edge is closer then I predicted it. . .
not that it is true of my inhibition?
I declared of a private thought:
what desire do I pass onto other than myself!
That, I do not feel in fear of no mistake being made.

Sense of Urgency

As my potential increases;
there's common sense:
in everything?
That I can assume. . .
- this
unexpected -
change.
Perfect work habits of, me.
It is the object of privacy
that I am, convinced it is
a must.
This muscular commodity I prepared,
such method myself to honor.

Prehistoric Sadness

I have a handful of uninvited guests;
the disappointed imagination of the few.
But what on earth required dynamite. . .
EXPLOSIVES?
Such an illustration!
The horror of fragile bones,
fossils everywhere:
how precious the thought.
I have a sense of the scent of a lie.

I prepared the ladder

It is with that.
In that apparel?
Sense of urgency!
How we become;
in my sense of self-confidence. . .
that we make contact.
That we:
together we hope -
not for having feared
- the opposite sense of prioritizing.
The collection of I and we in participating.
I am glad, in taking the opportunity.

Not Dropping the Ball

As I get the training-program I need through Safeway, I see the ball is rolling. It is that sense of being in a team that I have been able to flourish, and I can act my best. I suppose it is with that sense of urgency I need to habituate. That being said, the cat is out of the bag. I can work there with the same amount of pleasure and be satisfied with myself, in a good environment for me.

I want to exhibit my attributes and address the characteristics of a positive human being. I feel ready to make these challenges the main priorities that will help focus on accomplishing the objectives expected of me.

I know I can thrive on my skills and do very well with my job. My positions will be in Deli / Produce / and Cashier.

I sense a good feeling about "acting as an owner" in the company. I can experience that this is an opportunity, in learning what are necessary qualifications I can be promoted. It is with a sense of urgency I can be involved and succeed in doing what I am most capable of in my life.

A lot to say

Mom.
There is a power that I cannot underestimate.
I thank you for my life.
Father.
I have a privilege of moving from the moon,
into the imagination of a decent most caring person
as my role model.
Here I am;
washed my hands clean.

I have a feeling. . .

That for the longer I remain,
unsure about what this world has to offer?
I could easily sit back;
without caring!
This suddle operation:
of a very tired man.
- Flipped on its back.
Helpless. -

The future defined

After today, my convocation is something I will always remember as a day that I was free to make myself free again.

I sat next to a fellow graduate, who reminded me of my late aunt Natercia. She was like a blessing in disguise.

Post Graduated

The marathon is over!
After reaching the finish line,
like a entering an orbit filled with
- palm trees that glowed in sunset.
My journey home?
This is what I shall have;
reserved into memory.
Repressed into memory:
of giving myself one last breath of oxygen.
A supply of living on -
living on one last breath, designed.
The grapes of learning.
I earned an imaginary fin on my back.

Convocation Day

This day has finally arrived? I can hardly believe it! The day I officially take hold of my BA in university as a graduate.

The day will be one I cherish, forever.

Honestly, the brightest of my accomplishments.

Scissors / Meaning

I possess: to have
no memory or vague recollection; -
of a very respectful human being?
I accomplished,
to be my own accomplice
- of desire!
We need a concensus not to have
met anyone like you, before.
Getting away with murder I have no loss
of a memory or the fatigue I gained
in the experience.
Hit and run,
all for the contest of popularity.

Safeway

I am beginning to get a good impression, and I wish flourish in my new environment working in Safeway. I will work in the Deli and Produce section of the grocery. I know I can perform well, and I can provide excellent service. I am looking forward to making the most of my talents. I will recieve this opportunity, with the same attitude.

Provoked into being the thought

A thought crossed my mind!
A thought?
That flashed;
into a sense of what I discovered.
My total and undivided attention to look, again.
To reveal that urgency:
of a greater good.
I uncovered the nature of my very own,
an existence that emancipated everything -
and everybody listened as though the earth orbited
into a rose garden. . .
I lead myself into the rose garden.
I think to begin of my discreet channels,
turn while prayed upon.
I created a politician of myself,
by a nose.
These boundaries of which I fight not to find.

Politely in vain

I am going to be there.
But this time,
not without a purpose!
The insecured thought?
The chance of a necessity;
of an awareness that blinks.
A validity:
in the sweet voice of ones mother.
Such is in my vicinity of choice.
I fully supported my error-free judgement,
in the happiness of thought.

My New Job

Tomorrow, I start my new job with Safeway. This is a great opportunity.

For me, I am a unique individual, and master of my own domain.

I will hit the ground running. The sense I have given myself can contribute to my character.
Therefore, I can only hope for the best.

My attributes can renew myself of self esteem and increase my confidence level as an individual. This will add to the impact I feel about myself as a person.

I can continue to search, through my identity, and I will prosper because of it.

In the Zoo-nest

I have retraced my steps,
and located the divine.
My element of nature!
This luxurious environment of,
surprised guests -
not uninvited?
I am a fixture; of the reality.
Like an oscillating fan:
I operated candidly.
Here, I remained.
An inaptitude of passions,
or complacency for hunger.
Famine might and drawed us nearly
apart, together.
That the smell
of birchwood
is of value beneath my feet.
A born alive, natural resource. . .
only made available for our consumption.
Exchanged commodity we, traded.
Of an open wilderness.
It is the presence of fear
that from which I wondered.
In search of an identity
to help uncause myself
a victim.
A victim of chance.
Not victim to necessity.
$ $ $ $
A commodity exchange.
Very modestly.
Most very.
I supply without contempt.
A song without a cleft.
I'm mysteriously shy,
justified in my own right.
Relaxed, from greed comes no need
to want its nature.
The weight of the cosmos,
between a paradox
I golfed a perfect game
for prizes to be awarded.
I was shocked to learn about
- my souls emanation of intellect.
You can hear the sound,
I laughed out loudly.
In memories,
and in song.
I wanted to make a fast impression,
that trusts my language in thought.
It is an impression of no false inhibitions.
A kind of speech of trusted thoughts,
and impressed words through motion.
Hard not to take chances
that I exist.
This rational action of an emotion,
I saw the caged animals
when I visited the zoo.