Maturity has always been an issue for me. I suppose that is the truth? However, as I admit how time has been since I wrote my previous entry. I believe as I approach the age of 30 - have my beliefs changed? What influence do I have now that I've transformed into who I am today?
Perhaps, I dug myself a hole. A hole so deep, the test was to get back out of it? Perhaps, my only refuge was to bury the deepest parts of me and uncover them in seclusion - which lead to my serious bout of depression - and the walls around me were to shield how insecure I became. Isolation was not the answer!
Through all of this I am still alive. However, I did not bury my spirit. With my spirit I refused to give up.
What worried me most of all, is through the age of 20-present where has the time gone? (Which refers to my previous entry titled: 'Role-model'. . . ).
Certainly, my mind-body-spirit connection is essential for me. What this comes down to - is giving myself credit. How far I've come means something. Which is what everything I questioned in this message boils down to. I cannot forget that.
Dr. Gordon taught me about being a better 'horse-rider', and how I've fallen - whether it be making mistakes - or emotionally. I suppose this is one of those times, especially due to my habit of beating myself up - or changing the negative thoughts that affect how I feel impact me personally.
Tanya has noticed how I make decisions effect her as well.
I believe I can make the necessary solutions with courage, I cared to generalize most of what I feel here. These are not 'solutions' per se, but help me define some of what this means. It's self-talk. A method of healing-therapy. Again, as I already mentioned, something Dr. Gordon gave me advice on. To reienforce my positive thoughts as I regard facing my negative thoughts.
I've been doing is what develops into more and more progress being made. That's the most important thing.
I really enjoyed Christmas with Tanya this year, and she's planned to involve me in her Traditional Ukranian Christmas celebrations. She also begins her job in the new year with Carpathia Credit Union come 2007!
In every respect, this year has been hard. My aunt passed away, and her birthday was Decemeber 26. I graduated from university - 2006.
Recently, we had Christmas at home. I found out about a wedding engagement. Part of the problem is how my maturity plays a part in the picture. When I stop and think honestly about myself, I find, how despite my feelings toward the person(s) engagement. . . I am happy for them. I also feel, despite my feelings, I'm not perfect per se. However, the Christmas I had this year means little with the loss of my aunt, but my family came together with strength and compassion. The other side to this being neglect that I felt from the person(s) wedding who's mom who was invited to spend Christmas with us. It seemed apparently awkward. For some reason, this persons who's family we adopted traces back a decade in coming to our house for Christmas-time. Imagine my disappointment to see a person reveal a secret that I would think makes the average person happy to be around. . . but I digress.
The trouble is based not on what I saw but the truth in what I describe reveals much more about what's beneath the layers. I hold back nothing.
Therefore, when I direct my feelings to something, I suppose the wedding being announced was no big deal. What became evident, although in this instance is strictly intuitive, I felt alienated by the person(s) reaction did not make sense to me.
It appeared to me in hindsight, that the reason the person was in attendance had ulterior motives. It was as though, it no longer mattered that my family 'adopted' the people not as strangers. However, it felt totally sureal to me. It became as though the purpose these people were spending Christmas only appeared as orphans, or more like vagabonds announcing that Little Orphan Annie from the musical was adopted into Mr. Warbuck's Estate. It was truly disgusting to bare witness. Instead, with thier idea of Christmas-charity the musical they were invited to attend replaced the original Annie, accordingly behaved as if waiting to hear the evil chorus of, "The Sun Will Come Out. . . Tomorrow, Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow. . . " followed by the Christmas-wish that they'd be on their way because they couldn't wait to visit Daddy Warbucks invasion of abandoned nursing orphans. They had a new home to go to I suppose. Not that ours wasn't built just as good enough, it just conveniently became an afterthought, since some compare living large during the holidays is better in a mansion. Come to think of it, lest we forget the survivors of 'Tsunami.' In retrospect, they decided to behave like nursing-orphans wanting to hear the chrous of, "Tomorrow - Tomorrow I Love You. . . Tomorrow." as if yearning to. That they hardly couldn't wait to see Daddy Warbucks on Broadway in New York City. The time is close to midnight, we have lift-off, "You're only a day away. . . ". All flights bound for New York are now being cancelled.
The real reason I self-actualize this is to stress a far more important idea. This Christmas illustrated how good the presence of these people proved to me, that my feelings truly are spiritually connected to gods will during this time of peace. It brought a whole new concept and meaning of goodwill for me.
This Christmas brought to light why I love. That I am a beautiful person. I thank god for my mom, dad, and sister. I am blessed to truly have a decent person that loves me and I love her back in our place we gather. We call our country 'home.'
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