when the doctor tolls

When Dr.Gordon told me I should use my talents to be whatever I want to be? I begin to realize why he meant what he said. Dr. Gordon was telling me, exactly what I need to realize. How far I've come with pursuing my acting talent and incorporate it in anything I choose to do with my life.

One of the great pastimes from when I was younger, would be Halloween, when my father would cut open a pumpkin and create the jack-o-lantern. I'd marvel as the hollow pumpkin glowed from the inside with a candlewick. It also brings me to question the word 'potential.'
What is potential, and what does potential mean to me?

I attribute my potential to something that originated in discussions with Dr. Gordon, which related to self-talk. Acknowledging my negative thoughts with thier positive counter parts using the cost benefit analysis.

Today, I can picture myself living with how I feel. Why in the future does bring me happiness! My future reveals a study area with a desk and my daily business. A kind of visionary who acts spontaneously to the purpose.

My strength came through depression I experience; such as the friend I once had - no longer - can make me feel inferior or hurt me in some decpetive manner. For example: a kind of person not knowing what my personal desires entail. Are my personal choices.

I continue to follow my heart.

Where my heart will travel. It will take me there.

The truth is: I'm currently deciding on whether to limit myself in the realm of acting? I know that I am a trained actor, and I am well suited to act. However, in making a decision of this nature how do I know the answer?

I work for little pay at the grocery store, yet that is not enough to survive. Therefore, what must I do? Have I not sacrificed enough? I have little hobby other than watching my favorite football team, I dabble on the Internet about. I could easily work at Staples Office Depot or Starbucks Coffee. I could start my own cafe. I drive my parents Honda. I have no ambition for material wealth but in search for my true identity.

Advocacy on no uncertain terms

Honestly - when I grow up I want to be as obsessed as a fool.

Last night I saw The Prestige. A movie based on:

The Pledge
The Turn
The Prestige

Each of these are illusory.

My hobby's include:
following the Bomber's.

Today, I went to Staples;
and there were computer games there.

Quirky facts:

CRV or Land Rover?

CRV!

Working at Starbucks or Staples?

Material wealth vs. identity.

Time in "bear-country" of a selective memory

I have a list of credentials;
I'm irreplaceable to espouse of it.
Revelations of a once "lost"
precarious nature have
now found meaning!
- Totally blocked from my view:
of respite with one eye open. -
Not an epiphany
per se, I'm
more emphatic
regarding matters
objective of the
heart. Speaking of
my independence characteristic
as irony a virtue and
respect a truth.
Clairvoyant in nature,
I am painfully aware.
A prideful aptitude in my crystal ball,
a gypsy tells its fortune what is potential.
Bite sized bullets.

Tweezers

If there is one thing in life worth experiencing, in my opinion, the concept of true love. Of course I would aim in speaking highly of myself as an idealist of it! However, I came to the idea of the central meaning behind my own. It came into focus, at the age of 30, how this question becomes full circle. The answers were present in context last night as I left a beehive, or in that case, a bar scene filled with youth.

I used to go there quite often.

My inhibtions as they were then cannot compare to what they are now. Today is much - much different, but stepping outside of yourself puts things into perspective. When you regard the way things used to be - depends on what you already thought - in a previous time.

Therefore, the lights flashing on and off, the kids once an age ripe with vigor, I saw what I used to be? Now, what have I become. The kind of individual that seeks without affirmation, but holds my own ground.

As I entered a Tavern, sitting there with Tanya and her friend, an old 'buddy' of mine arrived. After he showed up, we sat, they drank, we talked.

He made me realize how far I've come. . . that one time or another. . . we really never quite understood where we'd end up together or why the purpose of life seems so less meaningful or impressionable up to standards that are illusions. The internal part of me thinks otherwise, and grateful for the experience.

He knows I've changed, but not 'how' I've done anything to change the world.

In a world of exhibitionists, such as the life I used to lead, last night broke myself open. A huge crowd of not yet wounded, but also, naive stereotypes. The ones that are girls and guys not ready to cast a spell worth fighting for, but who instead play a superficial game of chance, only in the effort to see if they can 'score' a pretend boyfriend or girlfriend. And then, immediately, almost as if by intuition or lack thereof, escape as the victims of consequences they don't understand themselves enough. Yet, they feel powerful to have pretended they made passes at each other and vulgar sexual references or innuendo to say: "I want you - you're mine - but we're not serious about it."

When I left the bar, I remembered all of it. As a manner of speaking, after my car accident from 12 years ago. Back then, up to last night, none of my friends knew me. They still don't.

Wasted skinless

This may come across to sound as toothless? But I digress. I work at Safeway. The place is a bureaucratic stink joint filled with hypocrisy and false witness within the confines of a prison set to break its prisoners loose into a new world order of hierarchy. The trouble is I am a nobody. Truth be told Tanya says she's proud of me and that's enough for me to renew my faith no matter what. We understand each other.

If there's one thing I will call "prophetic" about what I've learned in the experience Safeway has taught me? It's me telling myself amidst the short period of time how to let the mind grow, and not allow the workplace as an environment consume me. Therefore, I refuse to back myself into a corner as this explains without getting into detail, the most invaluable part of my character, can be recognized in truth.

The moral of my story: is to ask not why anyone else in my position were fooled into tasting a donut without any flavor and then lie about it.

If someone takes a donut, you are aware it has something to offer.
The donut has no flavor, but you are conscious that it probably does.
However, even if the donut has flavor, why would you be lead to believe the person who tastes it? Do they possibly enjoy it anymore than you do?

The point being that people taste donuts with or without flavor all in the same effort to try it assuming the taste is good? If the donut has no flavor, then there is no purpose to serve the donut that's lost its taste!

My intuition would only reveal that a donut should keep its flavor; not a donut that inhibits no meaning. A great tasting pleasure should always have its flavor - no more - no less.

I will continue to refuse any donut that lack its flavor, and that is how my intelligence cannot be insulted.

Why eat a donut with no flavor if consuming it is unsatisfying? The answer is in my opinion of it. My radiant inhibition in making the choice.

Like the revelation of some pigeon hole or a twist of fate what you find characteristic in yourself. The question to the answer should only reveal, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here is the model: (i.e. a donut 'free-of-taste')
___________________________________________________
------------->Allegory<----------Reason -----> donut "free-of-taste" --
----------------/-----\--------------/-------\-------------------------
----->metaphor - paradox- emotion - desire <--------------conscious---
___________________________________________________

Ice but not ice

Without assuming anything positive about my present situation, I feel as though my task is worth face value.

The situation reveals how much time I've spent considering I trained myself to become an actor? However, now I also begin to realize why I cannot turn my back on making that a choice! It has been very difficult to consider just how serious a position I am in. Actually, trying to make sense of the impartial difference in seeing, what is there left for me to continue doing. The agony is apparent, that my age somehow doesn't reflect where I need to be in life at the moment. What do I do next? What should I decide? It is a matter of taking initiative, regarding my responsibilities and what I make of it.

The dillema has no short term solution, but a long term comittment in terms of the costs and what will benefit me most of all.

Part of the idea would be to take a run at life, move out of my parents home and security, into a full time job working-class lifestyle. Would that also result in letting go of my insecurity and fear of acting? In the real world, my job would have to compensate for my own expenses, I do not want to hold onto the dream of being an actor without any substance for it. That being said, could I turn my back on acting and regret not doing it? Would I feel guilt in the future if I look back on something I should have pursued, if instead I failed to stick with acting as well as the dejection or fear that comes with it? Is that what I truly want?

I would say that I could have both.

Right now I work at Safeway, and leaving this job would have to be in my best interest beyond a reasonable doubt before anything else were to happen. As of now my question really is what about me makes me believe I can be an actor? I made a choice no matter how much or how little I wish to repent for making that decision, I must face it in this manner, and accept it. This has been a very personal issue for me lately. It is something I cannot take back or do over again. This is the most Ive ever owned myself as an adult and taken responsibility. It foreces me to be a man. An honest voice.

I am proud.

I am a somebody. . . no matter what.

An actor is who I am. Nothing can take that away from me.

It is a learned behavior, I seek, to control the direction I'll move in.

Setbacks of a personal nature

I call it melancholy. Some might see it as being depressed? Others may not recognize me altogether. . . what is the reason for this message?

Last night:

I became an instant celebrity. Except no one was their to attend the ceremony.

All of what this boils down to is my life. I feel somewhere between procrastinating and failure. It reminds me of a time after my car accident, when at 18 years of age, my life changed completely. It altered everything. I've become a very - very different - person. Last night is an indication of that changed individual.

However, as much benefit of the doubt I have in beating the odds? My life is in a whirlwind of failing to realize my full value of potential. It has weakened me on many levels of self-esteem, but resiliance as I have made paid off.

Instead, that same person who almost died in the car accident continued to fight (after I graduated and turned '18' and went into high school for upgrading. . . ) in order to attend university. No strings attached. What that translated into? I call myself a 'hero'.

Some people still recognize me.

I work at Safeway and I'm 29 years old with a girlfriend, a BA (degree) and my lack of pride to hold something together. Whatever that may be?

The search for my roots

Today, is a day I look back. . . to my childhood.
When in the hot July days of Portugal,
in the North toward Averio,
in the region of Sever do Vouga.
Where my sister and I were playmates,
and digging out potatoes in my grandparents
plot of land.
We'd dig.
We'd feel together.
We'd be happy digging.
Not even a thought.
If someone were to remind me of this:
it'd be rather enthralling.
What 'if'?
What would you think of doing;
if the situation arose!
A group of wealth-purpose-desire.
Which category would you benefit most,
and some unknown entity pointed in a direction.
"Go outside, there is soil to shovel."
Would you assume responsibility?
Would you take care of point 'a' to point 'b'.
Would you question the duty,
or ask yourself what on earth is this person
referring to.
They possibly couldn't be referring to me?
What a huge mountain to climb!
Could they be imagining things.
Why, is there (possibly) a mound of soil.
That is the most powerful of reasons.
Not to think.
Then you act.
You imagined the soil,
and said 'yes'. . .
I would love to take care of that.
I will do the job.
And you present the idea.
It doesn't matter what the soil is,
if it's there or not.
To imagine the fact were true,
is a matter of principle.
And you.
Yes - you.
Were the one to fit the description.
You took the intiative.
You made it count.
And you among all the others, -
chose to make the choice
- before anyone else could answer.

In flight with sirens

The impatience of understanding
has gravitated
to land.
Through the eyes of this powerful
fish, as it jumps and leaps
through the air. Flying a height
you could reach.
My stomach is of perfect weight.
The intensity of such action!
How?
Adversity reveals character;
that depression doesn't lead to anger.
No:
white flag.
That the movement of time fight itself back,
with a STARTLING reassurance.
If my eyes weren't made out of clay,
I wouldn't be looking as lost.

Scrooge of Netherlands

Self-consciously take all you have and fit it into
the heart of a pumpkin.
It wagered yours?
For a peanut!
I try carefully to make no mistake.
A full detailed description,
my own defintion.
A man of good news,
there is no bad news.
Only the bad news -
is all only good.
The mind of principle taught me such.
How honest my flawed logic;
has lost no pulse to reason.
I have confiscated:
all in custody of a double meaning.
The return of my orange frog
and my dirty sock wet,
a reptile's tongue strikes.
I'm in agony.
The thunder and no pain of my
shrinking violet.
Undecided as me.
Interview of a stooge,
reward - no two faced obsession.
But an unpredictable nature between us.
This is the legend of a European 'phantom' menace.

The skinny (without depression)

Independence is overrated. (Intelligence and virtue)
A chilling reminder of my insecurity. (Afghanistan)
Barriers have been built. (War)
Pellets of water that drain my soul,
raptures the earth beneath my soil.
A collection of beaded raindrops -
forms all I can handle.
When it rains it pours.

Variations of time in prosperity

Breaking the vow of silence;
I work with a liar?
A young man:
who dials 911 before he dies in a rock concert!
That is what heavy metal will do to a ten ton monk.
When this punk,
showed up for his shift.
Something exciting happened.
(It did entice me to deliver this narrative.)
My self-esteem has an upbringing of potential.
What did I do not to cover my tracks from that distance.
No greater of an uncertainty less travelled,
you do not take away from my appetite.
When my blood in the iron maiden.
Where I begged your pardon.
The ballet is over.
Now finally.
The delay of panic.
A degree of depression.
Tragedy its enigma.
Such dramatic opera,
for a melodramatic ending.
I have stamped myself out,
I've also mutilated the cookie dough. . .
with my cookie cutter.
An exquisite routine of choice.

My talent as an actor

The clock keeps winding in all directions of my intelligence. Winding down, maybe counter clockwise, but evidently speaking I move forward from all directions. Like a ten ton weight off my shoulders. A decision I have to make.

I take a deep sigh of exasperation, exhasuted and the air surrounding me adds relief to my very confounding ritual. I need sleep, . . . soon.

I fail to realize what a lonely coward, if in my shoes, underestimated my ability or sensibility. . . I seem to encounter myself with this kind of thing too often. The plot is much - much thiner than in reality. People who put themselves first, reduce themselves, and refuse not only me but everyone capable of seeing things more frequently obvious. Therefore, my opinion is possibly less qualified compared to those individuals. These are individuals that do not compare with me. However, to those individuals my credibility is of an "unqualified opinion".

Today has been one of those days.

I saw somebody early on in the evening. He doesn't say much worth talking about here, but my conscience might do something about it that tells a different story.

As an actor I recall what kind of person this type of individual is in the world. He, who is so obnoxious himself he's too lonely enough not to admit it.

I smile and nod his departure.

I extend my intentions far further than he did ever in his life.

He knows this.

That is the end of my story.

My true identity chooses to reveal character. I'm an interactive individual for those that care in taking part of my interest.

At this point and time, considering how close Tanya and I have become? There seems to me; I have considered enough. To throw away my half of the relationship would be a painful experience. Probably because of my own true feelings, I have an open mind and I'm honest as an individual in our relationship. It would be a bad situation to put myself or anyone else (for that matter) if I were to pursue another relationship as I'm in this one already. Therefore, there is a lot that gives me the strength to continue on. What - yet remains - I haven't decided to sell myself out on anything disturbing my trust in me. That faith that tells me - I have time to consider everything that's given to me.

Tomorrow is Tanya's birthday.

The luxury of time is the most impatient of virtues.

Born again: mentally

I just finished a conversation with Tanya re; depression. Her interest in the subject is related to my experience and I've learned a valuable amount through her teaching. Tanya is taking a class in abnormal psychology at the University of Manitoba. This relinquished a lot about how my historyof depression is treated; with the intent to create a better me, a future, - a future I can look forward to without 'patterns of depression' which may lead to develop negative self image.

The influence I must create over my depression is the courage to own it.

Owning the past events (i.e. post traumatic stress disorder) such as being in a horrible life-threatening car accident alters my human experience and changed my self-esteem. Incredibly. . . I was able to survive the aftermath. Without fully acknowledging or embracing myself in the depression it triggered, caused my inhibition related to these events to turn inward. On the outside, people would recognize me but not how I was affected drastically changed the manner I looked at myself.

The purpose I now have in mind is to correct the negative thoughts associated through depression with their positive counterparts. Not all of me is 'bad' but is also 'good'. Dr. Gordon helped reach this as his diagnosis.

Today, my purpose is to face the fears of judgment based on my own positive self-image. As Dr. Gordon said I aim to please people, but the main part of my character is not to reveal depression instead accept the mistakes I encounter without fear of guilt or being judged. Essentially, I must provide myself with learning from my mistakes and not shatter my fragile ego as result of it!

All these are things I must not overlook but 'sooner rather than later' consider this as a model per se, a method from which I make choices to validate my own conscious upbringing. That I have a desire to throw (using Cinderella as a metaphor. . .) her glass slipper away, and put myself in her shoes. That I am a man who is not perfect, but someone who has empathy and understanding from his virtue.

If I intend to lead a virtuous life = being honest in my abilities, not through conflict. That I can make choices without falling into traps in my own mind. Therefore, I have the will, ambition and determination to find out and solve problems on my own terms, that I can figure this all out in my personal space.

These are not boundaries I require of me, I have set boundaries that I can NOW CONFIDENTLY measure provide everyone else with. It is the respect and reasons I demand from myself of others, . . . because I deserve it.

Satisfaction for a better life.

Only I can make the difference count. I am obligated to make mayself matter more than not less of me.

I must train myself like I used to be a blindman that can now see? Truthfully, inspired because I'm worth it.

If there were a trophy given to me with my name on it, it would read, "Awarded to Marco's letting go of his depression." or "Not holding onto depression anymore." Then with that purpose in mind, I would imagine holding the trophy out in front of me, out for the world to see it. I could think about its power over anything and anyone I conquer? It should act as a symbol of my belief, a renewal of the sort of person I've become. I'd lift the trophy high, and whenever I'd raise the trophy, it'd remind me of my own qualities against any counter-intuitive approach.

Then, I would not challenge the amount of rejection or dejection I should feel. . . instead, I will face it and embrace it.

As I slip out of my bathrobe into a beautiful bathing ritual.

My romantic departure into faithful outlook not everyone can see in me.

Somewhere in this I decree, my quality of life hasn't altered from depression. I see myself wearing underwear with a few bullet holes in them.

Depression is not an enemy that you abstain from as though holding a gun to your head.

I am of a high emotional intelligence, that makes me "emotionally available" and easy to read what I'm feeling. However, people that I know pass judgement don't know exactly who am I as a person on the inside? I find understanding in the fact that because of my depression I've become more aware of it. Therefore, my psyche is less enept from insecurity or self deception and inadequate behavior. I am not decencitized from the limits of my depression, but it empowers me.

I have the right to say 'no' to depression and it reserves me the power to renew that 'yes' I can change. Not obsessed with myself as a latin lover or armoured in self-deception of the depression. But, reflects common sensibility.

Limits beyond measure

I want to examine my full potential, and whether I'm fulfilling my hearts desires. However, a lot of "the indicators" might not answer what that may be? The truth is I don't know how to answer the question! I relate this to my present situation: I simply ignore the freedom to make that choice matter. Which is to say, I am aware only I can limit my potential. I will not ask myself about it. What does this mean at all? I'm just a frog that takes a bite out from his apple. OR -more like the ugly toad that can get away with everything or almost nothing. Well, almost nothing.

It is an unmasked potential.

A kind of certain awarness that costs little and benefits me personally. It reveals how I exist in the world. A skilled "master of society." I will not fail to hold onto my freedom, as I can only cherish it every moment. A mailed letter, signed "the spy" of such top secret information?! The kind of contaminated disease a void I increase.

"Almost There"

It will be mine and Tanya's first anniversary together. It has been an entire year! Tanya has transformed my world inside and out. She's truly become my best friend, and I love her deeply.
There is satisfaction that I have fully been aware has shaped how I see myself and because of our relationship.

When I reach this stage of a relationship, I can say in great confidence, why I look forward to many different feelings associated through Tanya.

-----> I am a good person. <-----

Everything else seems like a mountain yet to climb. I have given this experience with Tanya that we've arrived to the top of a mountain!

Tanya fills me with pride and joy.

I am blessed.

------------
An architect is a man who knows a very little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about everything.An engineer is a man who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less until he finally knows practically everything about nothing.A contractor starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with architects and engineers.

Upstaged Melodrama

You bring it all;
you have the whole package.
Near perfect grades!
(For idiots?)
No man:
is an island.
You leave nothing unattended.
I have fallen into my full potential.
A punchline over credentials.
A pretend compatibility.
The choice made, deserved.
Things can change at any movement.
Discipline required action,
that things can change at any given moment. . .
action requires discipline.
-----------

Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom. - Euripides

Trust in my efforts

I have made a promise to myself, that includes, having "happy-memories." This is the kind of thinking that leads to fulfillment of a kindness that describes me. A 'kindness' that defines me as an individual. Through the worries I put myself, throughout, I have made progress. I must continue to be thankful and find myself being a gentler kinder human being. . . which is all anyone cannot expect? It is my own kindness that gives me strength and compassion I deserve.

I attribute my kindness to many things: since meeting Tanya, my parents, my sister and Dale, my family.

The challenge

I've decided on very little, too little, I'm now afraid of expressing myself? The problems I have to face are somehow less than difficult to deal with! However, the choices I have made created a paradox.

In relation to my present situation, I find myself thinking about what to do next with my life. So much is left to unfold; I remain undecided.

This weekend opened my eyes to a few of my concerns:

1- working at Safeway -

There is nothing terribly wrong in particular with the job itself, the work is easy, it's a matter of principle that's involved.

2- I went to a wedding. . . -

That many people wore masks, the circumstances surrounding this wedding in particular is no different than most. But the purpose of a wedding should be to have fun, perhaps enjoyment, would have been a better theme for this wedding? I did the better than 'my best' to compromise.

3 - I guess.

I guess, . . . I guess the problems I have in life would not remedy itself unless I decide to make he choices necessary. The truth is, people aren't fooled easily, when it comes to my own personal satisfaction or drive or want or need - from desire. I wish I had my own place, or a job I loved to do, or a car that I insure with licence plates that read the words "clever".

What has really got me to where I am, for lack of (my) leading a better life, has nothing to do with how ambivalent I see the world. . . so much. Nothing stopped me from freeing myself, and that is all of my intention.

Slave to beauty

Immuned;
or let the cat out of the bag?
Never (once) has it been told!
That the little secret lives, -
has been lost on simple "the fact". . .
- alone.
Without such claws detached from animal instinct,
one-up-manship.
A paradise found,
in nursery rhymes.

Losing in Control

I've never been consumed in myself,
or misused thoughts. -
Or mistreated in jealousy;
- or not.
The very purpose I find is from desire:
a desire of pursuing excellence,
but more from my own.
I feel motivated,
in becoming something I can honor.
To improve myself without a vanity?
Despair!
Losing in control.

Stuck onto me

I've developed
this: burning
chaos of
urgency!
Act as I do -
independent
- to redeem;
myself better?
Without passing guilt,
judgment(s) or blamed.

Another safeway update

Among the jealous types there are that work at Safeway, there is a high level of conceit in the organization. The seniority of many others that work there make them inauspicious and deceptive on every turn.

I'm only so glad I can somewhat free myself of the burden to express the impact this culture has on me in the environment. My opinions do reflect a cause and effect relationship, of which I feel less candid in describing my tenure as an employee. I am inside the walls of an organization which promotes its employees as next to inferior.

I can appreciate doing a fairly solid ethnography regarding my work with Safeway. However, (what I do not in terms of their disposal) . . . how can I appreciate or learn to thrive on my potential in such a rudimentary environment. I feel stuck in the moment, (as I have made a choice), not that I created any of this! Is it out of my control? I am not absolutely sure.

Obviously, I would rather work in a place with a much different focus in mind, as compared to something I feel indifferent about. That being said; the remedy to such a situation - simply put - does not put me in favor. Safeway, . . .is not a place I want to work or be involved. It is a workplace, whereas if you don't keep your eye on the ball abiding to their rules, you are not welcome there. This should follow why this will give me the off-chance to have a purpose. My goal is to leave Safeway, for a much more intellectually satisfying 'freedom'.

I've made far too many changes in my life, (not that I would allow Safeway) as a job to bring me "down to earth" so to speak. I am sticking to it, because, I can embrace myself better. Which, with all of the courage I can muster, Safeway being the legitimate obstacle I withstand - notwithstanding.

Therefore, I can attribute this as an experience to motivate me and accomplish a goal I will fulfill. Otherwise, the point of committing myself to anything could only be seen as superficial conscious. Integrity is more important to me than most others would consider as less honorable.

In conclusion, I'm glad to mention in all of this how I can benefit - is only due to the fact - I learned what I value because I know who I am. I can overcome this adversity helps to define my character. Furthermore, doing an ethnography (research) using Safeway as an independent observer, since I work there, is not that unusual for me to be aware and be an employee during this time. Learning how to do an ethnography in university has paid off, whilst the rest of my fellow colleagues also suffer independent from my own personal virtue(s). This ethnographic study is a reprieve form the norm.

Sauna in working environments

Turkey's are what dreams are made of;
I carved it out.
In nightmares where the walls caved in,
my imagination lingers onto the thoughts:
of an increase in salary?
Wages, decreased wages!
So in the most perfect of ideals,
when problems do arise,
the need for redemption we find. . .
in which all of us that gather.
Rock climbing compares to swimming,
or charm in a bath filled with bubbles.
WELL - WE ALL HOP IN.
Blub - blub - blub.
What fun, joy, wee-wee-wee.
Splash.
Splish.
Splash.
In the water.
A noble character
notable, noticable (hunger)
as though in my most likely of stories.
In my unlikely identity crisis.
A nature is born unto me.
Some serious cause for concern comes over me.
An induction from
authority or a wrong
kind of insecurity raises issue.
No indiscretion. (conscious)
A smart revelation. (blowing bubbles in the air)
It smells pain.
In in voice, (fear no longer)
recognized in spirit.
It's a matter of
deception that
nice guys finish
last.
Induced vanity,
reduced to nothing resisted.
A sociological contract.
Obligations are feared,
as I leap into the water.
My arms stretched wide open.

Safeway (Update)

I am actively in pursuit of another job at the moment, temporarily my job with safeway, while working with my parents business.

I don't claim I can tell the future? However, I still have yet to hear back from the commercial, which I auditioned for! If I get the call.

The people I work with at Safeway, are under a strict set of rules. It's a hierarchy. I simply maintain my status-quo. A lot of grief is dealing with the protective walls that lead to barriers and function with earning some form of respect among my peers. In such a working environment times can only be as difficult to say the least.

I have a job, unsatisfied with it, and work with people who's only aim is to step over you if the chance can arise itself. Not a word of a lie, but that is where I am.

I try to be instinctive, not negative, but remain focused and positive through the struggle. It is not what I asked for, and beggar's can't be choosers as they say.

One of the "hicks" (we'll call them hicks, for lack of a better word, on terms their place of origin is from isolated communities). The culture working in Safeway is diversified, apparently, not so for these troublesome individuals. One is a male in his early 20's and a female (recent high school graduate entering university). Both are immature, very immature.

They settle for less, being the age they are, makes it stressful. For me, I open my eyes. I can't say a word, or dare I take my frustrations out on a punching bag? No violence. Simple enough.


Otherwise, my tolerance working at Safeway is shaky, my confidence can only be described as terrible, but the experience must lead to further options. My opinion is expressed to help myself understand the situation I am currently in as I face with opening doors, without keeping myself hidden.

I need a trigger man.

Also, the meaning I get to come across here with, helped give an accurate description of the hicks I work with. There are only bad feelings that would come across no matter how I choose. I can only make the right choices for me. The consequences of my actions are better to come apart, if I took matters into my own hands for the sake of not being taken for granted? That is the question I have to ask myself at times, when I feel alienated, or if she or he keep their guards up.

The hicks are fellows that play by the rules for their own benefit as much as I admit they are fools.

He lacks respect for the kind of discipline others might feel, and neglects others in spite of how he might be treating them. At his age, there is no excuse for a lack of being honest. He seems conniving at the best of times.

She has an aunt that works at the Safeway, who helped her get the job. Her promiscuity among the co-workers is not only obnoxious, she needs to desperately be told to grow up.

If you think this sounds absurd (as it probably does) I try loving every minute of it. It requires an attitude adjustment. Maybe, they don't have the same message of disbelief as I acquire? Maybe, just maybe they do and don't care to realize it. There's the difference!

The truth in fact is that they're bigotted nature no matter how little or how large is deeply rooted, and associated with self-righteousness and envy.

20/20 Vision

- Hi:
How do you know; -
common sense?
This is common sense!
Don't be a stranger.
A primitive objective
blind - live - faith
restored.
A collection of sunglasses.
In this place of affection, no afflictions necessary,
and special effects. . .
my job of generosity consumes me.
I accommodate.
Exclusively, investigated bombshells of the opinion.
My kingdom for a horse.
I comprise of privacy no expense for the
richer.
I compromise nothing of myself interest.
For need of empathy I wanted.
And as I acquire happiness,
a piece of heaven,
peace and comfort enter my soul.
To take the place I honor,
polished in thought.
Nor conspicuous in nature,
or hard to look candid.
A postcard written with senseless drivel,
while on vacation.
My teeth by no impartial or impractical design
or method can resist.
I assist in the revolution.
My insistence is depended of a mutual nature.
An agreement accorded.
Immune to the degree of sarcasm.

Risks exceeded through greed

I've put my back into it! -
Not that I please;
- the bleeding hearts?
Think smart about why you act:
and careful how not to play the devils
advocate.
I payback with a crazy lack of intolerance.
An exacted, revenge.
Not lost in time.
A type of psychodramatic universe.
No unbearable false cause errored in wisdom
or common sense.
My being is decisive
not insidious in
nature.
Dismounted and divisive.
Deflated -
accidental.
Humored in this hierarchy,
I do not heitate in selfish communication.
Some of thoughts related to emotional imbalance.
Not uncharacteristic of my virtue or any of this
information in time gone static.
It is mine and my own eccentric in nature.
Greatly satisfied.

Alive in the shadow

It is a commitment of divine interest?
A nature, do to it is divine;
not of divine inspiration!
Like that of a harvest.
And roses:
in a kangaroo's secret little pouch.
This instinct to honor.
A doubt in value not wanted.
That perfume of a ghosts travel.
An uncertain feeling for the drama.
A breathtakingly gorgeous wisdom
through irony.
My honeycomb.
In terms of empathy,
an invalid autograph.
A disturbed motivation,
like a signature on no uncertain terms.
An intellectual curiosity,
hostage for food.
Threat in thought.
On no occassion do I miss the opportunity,
thought in threat.