I'm trying my best to deal with the present situation.

My mom has left for her first Christmas away from home.

Now I'm still contemplating the effects of my depression. I don't know what side I'm on exactly.

I'm wondering about where my horse is? The nature of my ego.

I'm beginning to believe I do have a horse, that I can get on and climb off. The horse is my ego.

Now the horse has come back to me. I'm aware of it being here with me.

My conscious is telling me something this Christmas.

Be thankful for the home you have.

Be thankful for your father.

Be thankful for your mother.

Realize the fortune you have in the world... think how your not going hungry that nobody cares about you?

It's harder to think about falling off of my horse, then breaking the camels back. The horse can't run off. I want to whisper in my horse's ear. I want to love my horse and feed the horse what it's heart desires most.

My success depends on my horse, and my ability to stay within myself. I don't need to give up on my horse or me wearing a mask as though Zorro. It's as if the possibility of emerging with the beast (horse) and the knight (myself). My knighthood is the forest filled with pine trees and wonder, where my maiden awaits. I can hear her calling my name and I'm in a magical kingdom. I leave behind a trail of coins to find my way out of the woods and into the heart of the darkness. The light is given to me by the sun (god) and will be my journey (map).



What if I'm unsure of what team I'm on, we're not on opposite sides of the fence... my horse and I?



Dr. Gordon, is the psychiatrist I'm seeing.


He's not to blame for the misfortunate circumstances I'm experiencing. He mentioned to me about the hierarchy, that I must look forward. What I think he meant by not describing the term "hierarchy"?

Hierarchy is the expresssion that Dr. Gordon used as an implication. The metphor of my horse and the analogy presents itself.

The hierarchy can be anything you choose, whethter a cat or dog or people... it's abstract.

Everything I do depends on my place in the hierarchy. Everything I believe depends upon the hierarchy in the position.

For example, if I see myself in the place of my father and mother... I live in their home, and I also work with them. Both of my parents are successful at what they do. However, do I also pursue how my parents function or is it a choice I've made?

My dad works very hard and so does my mom.

Only I can decide what is best in the situation that works for me.

My parents are successful... doesn't mean I can also be equally as successful or not?

Our family is weak at communicating effectively with one another. This results in animosity and turmoil if we can't agree on something instead of dealing with the matter.

I explain myself as awkwardly. I'm not a straight forward an individual. I'm not very "to the point" when getting my message of what I feel, since I experience difficulty expressing things in a positive manner.