I love Jesus

How very intelligent
imprisoned in the black hole
guilty of desire
vulnerable.

I'm talking.
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There is a reason I'm writing this. I think about the [place] I'm now in.

I used to have friends that knew me... and I don't have those friends today.

I wonder "why"? I never ask to be this depressed.


I think back to a time I was in my deepest depression. I was in my grade 12 year in High School. I had a girlfriend who broke up with me. To make a long story short, my (best friend) Edgar had pursued a relationship with her (right after Donna and I broke-up.) I was sitting inside a local McDonalds with Edgar. He stood up and left me at the table by myself, as I was seated he said, "I know what happened." What was he not telling me? Did he think he knows something I didn't? It was then I realized that Edgar wasn't there to help console me, but that he was only there to judge me.

Now that I think back to that time, I wonder what lies Donna might have said to manipulate something other than the truth about me?

The impact on me, because of what Edgar did is irreversible and he cannot have been worse influenced by his decision to listen to Donna.

I've been running away from that moment in my history ever since because of how affected I became. I wish I told someone at the time, but I didn't know how to express myself exactly the way it happened. I couldn't understand what was happening. I wasn't to blame. Donna was at fault. Edgar was played for a fool.

I was effected emotionally in a way I couldn't rebound from. I ran and kept running. I saw a psychologist for adolescents. I wasn't telling him about the events because of the overwhelming amount that was happening was difficult to grasp... I just couldn't cope. Little did I know the downward spiral that would result in my demise from grace, I swear that the devil himself sent me into a tailspin. I only wish I knew better.

There's a hole in my heart I didn't know was slowly eating away at me, and it was exposed to the devil who entered. The devil bought my soul. I was bought by the devil behind my back, and right under my nose Donna and Edgar were at the core.

I only considered myself a beautiful human being, popular in his own quiet way without a word to self-describe my true cadence. A free spirit. My actions of free will.

I'm turning back the clock and I can see what in spite of my actions, that the devil compromised me in every way... interfering with my fate and controlled my own destiny. My issues were of sadness, I needed the touch of my mother and strength of my father.

(That summer was my graduation night. I discovered Edgar in bed with Donna on my grad night. Later on that same summer I suffered from a terrible car accident. I went back to high school to upgrade for university. I had a ski accident that demoralized me personally. I got in with the wrong group of friends. I began university. I was heart broken by another girl Lindsay. I couldn't cope. The cycle continued. I fell into the wrong hands... the devil made me do it. It was all a mask.)

Now I'm coming full circle, as if on a ferris wheel at the top looking over the bridge that got me here.






The devil bought my soul without me knowing... without even asking me! Without me even knowing myself, that my heart god had made, inside of me, was being eaten away and consumed me. In spite of not knowing the devil's deed, my heart had a secret hole that was enlarging, and the devil snuck in without me knowing.








The devil stole the key and locked himself inside.









I need to heal. I command the devil to leave. My heart is not open for the devil's business of suicide. My secrets are to be kept locked in my own vault. Gods glory has been swept into the closet, and the holy-ghost lives in my minds attic only to rescue me.

I ask god to leave the devil's footsteps behind me as I unplug my older virtue into a renewed but newer socket that the devil can't unplug me from.

The evil of the devil's secrets will always be closed off. God whispers into my ear. "The devil has left your heart's center, he knows what he's caused, you have the power. The devil planted his seeds of evil in your heart without you knowing, you must reclaim me and banish the evil spirit. I acclaim you holy. You've always had the character of gods will, you're not a sinner. You can be lifted free. I love you."

The devil wants to expose me and shows how the secrets reflect in the mirror over-shadow me, that my reflection isn't worthy of gods grace.