I spoke with Dr. Gordon today.

After I had given him the words to express what I felt, he projected back to me what I wrote to him. He started today's session by asking me if I hated him? The right answer is no, I don't dislike or hate Dr. Gordon. I want to know this man and I know that he will help me overcome my troubles.

He caught me off-guard when he asked me that... because the truth is, I only hate myself.

The note I gave Dr. Gordon explained what I went through after my experience in a Christmas party I attended.

I know I can change... I needed to let Dr. Gordon know exactly what I was thinking and feeling.

I made myself "sick" at the thoughts I was having.

I realize Dr. Gordon is trying to help me find my true self. The part of me that's hidden from the world and is hiding beneath the shadows.

My demons are "stupid creatures" (ficitional). Like a giant lamb of a monster, like the lochness, and guarding the entrance of a church. The church is where all my beliefs and sacred-self are kept from the outside world! No one must ever enter the church or else the giant monstrous lamb will eat you alive!!

I use the analogy as a working metaphor... my ego.

I'm as an intense, a frightened and a sensitive an individual you will find in the process.

Last week the anger I expressed with my sister, only affirms myself hatred. I hate myself for not seeing who I truly am. It makes me sick to think of it.

Dr. Gordon can see how vulnerable I experience everything. Can I trust this man like I haven't been able to trust anyone else?

When I build my bridges, can I get onto my horse? Is the horse a place I can feel most free?

Right now... I don't know how to speak with the horse. The horse doesn't have a language I understand. Can I be the horse tamer?

Dr. Gordon isn't trying to tame me or my horse... he knows the horse is a ghostly figure to me and that I haven't even come close to the horse to be my friend. Instead, I've created distance and become isolated. The horse is alone in pasture grazing and waiting to be one with his master.

I want to ride in peace on my horse and not with rage against owning the ideas I possibly have.

Life is all about falling off of the horse and getting back onto it's back. The book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, (I've read recently) also helps me realize what I should and shouldn't be doing whenever I fall off of my horse, to seize the opportunity as before, I climbed upon it.

Dr. Gordon uses the analogy in reference to a metaphor I can identify with. When I used to date women, I really had a strong personality with a charm. I could be called the ideal ladies man.

The fact I can readily speak to women, I know I can be myself and not worry about falling off the horse. I began to be worried the first time I doubted myself came when I'd get dumped from the relationship or I was afraid of commitement. If the girl would come too close, I wuold push away... if I suspected or had felt that she backed off from the realtionship would make me insecure.

I should emphasize on knowing the way I used to behave, is a measuring stick for how I plug myself into the world and why I project my judgments.

I own the most intimate details about me none of which are "perfect". I've made myself to be inferior instead of reinforcing the positive aspects. Judgment coming from other people shouldn't affect me, because I know I'm beautiful and wise enough to know better.

The fact I take myself seriously is meant for my goodness to unplug the judging, when feeling I'm labeled or not taken seriously.

A good example of this came at the Christmas Party.

I realize I'm capable to ensure how good a person I am and why I should indicate my qualities of self-worth.