I ended up going to this get-together last night.Here's the deal for the reason I went...I had news of my godmother being diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm devastated. This follows that my mom has to board a plane this week, cross the ocean, and we'll not be spending christmas this year. Therefore, this was my only opportunity for a holiday "festivity" that I hardly can say was since the news of my godmother hit. Christmas is lost for this year, but I wait for a miracle. So, I went to the party against my will.

Part II

I show up at the party and when I come back home after, I feel like I've hit a brick wall... I really detest having been there. What do I have to show for it? The people my age group, the "guy" friends all copped out on me. The people I care about most (of course my immediate family) were present, and my sister and her boyfriend sat down next to me just to keep me company.I hated every minute I was there, because I'm no more shallow to think how bad I have it for the people that I despise. Meanwhile my aunt has a tumor... and I just want her to be alright.

Part III

The guy who is sitting at the head of the table with some new girlfriend of his. He's an antagonistic self-centered type... but I realize the girl he's with I recognized. I remember her from a few years ago when I was at a new year's party. I was at the new years party with this same guy she's with now! Why I'm bitter, is that the guy played me for a fool that night saying, "She's not interested in you." Only to fish hook her himself. The audacity of this guy, because when I was in high school I caught this same guy in bed with my ex-girlfriend on grad night!! What is the term used to describe a guy with such callous? Anyhow, I'd like to have sliced a piece into the guy and confronted him with a piece of my mind. Unfortunately I end up taking my last 24 hours trying to make sense of everything that's happened.I just needed to vent.

Part IV

I had an enormous amount of negative energy from the night I spent at the party. I resent the people I was with. I was there feeling non-existent. The guy who I mentioned in Part II is Edgar Corriea. His closest friend is Jeff Taylor. They work together for Hostess Frtio Lay. Why do these guys not know me anymore?

My family have seen the frustration I have. I simply cannot act differently around Edgar or Jeff knowing how much anger I've spent on my family as a result.

I feel guilty that my sister keeps trying to reach out to me when nobody else does and I get mad at her.

This all seems so unfair to me. I'm afraid of something but I don't know what. Please god help me. Please, I cannot survive this way any longer. My mom is giving up on me and she says if I were anyone else she wouldn't put up with me.

I've tried so hard to change who I am into what I ought to be.

Now I don't know where I am or what I should do.

Where is Marco? Where are you? Where have I gone?

I think I need to phone Edgar and give him a piece of my mind.