New Years Eve

It snowed a lot in Winnipeg today. I spoke with my mom. She said that my aunt is feeling scared and doesn't want to be in the hospital. My aunt is used to having life in her to fight for, now she needs help necessary to steady her health. The tubes connected to her for support are "artificial" to her. She's having trouble accepting why.

I have my moms voice inside and the blood of my father in my viens. I decide who sees me and who doesn't.

I feel in a very difficult position in my life. I'm old enough to move forward, but I feel vulnerable.

The problem is I cannot understand why I feel bad about myself. I always have fallen into this mind-trap no matter what I do.

I want to blame everyone else but myself, however, I don't have myself or anyone else to blame. It's a cycle I go through no matter the changes I think I can do to help me.

Saying something to myself such as, "My life is horrible..." does not have any answers that follow.

I just want the pattern of looking my failures to stop preventing me from doing what's best for me. No matter what I've done, I've had trouble coping with the changes I've made.

I think back to when I was a child growing up, and how safe my environment was. I would have my sister, and then something started to happen "differently" I needed to learn about taking responsibility for my actions.

I look at the success and failure I've experienced along the way, most of what I've done can't measure the same way as peers my own age. I'm only saying that this is what makes me feel weaker than other people?

My parents have an energy I used to have myself, my own identity, now I no longer carry the way I used to. I've changed for reasons I understand that were associated with trying to be a man. I wanted to have my identity understood for integrity and I was once a person with pride and confidence to spare.

Now I feel I'm someplace else. I've tried to foster my identity with god. I changed because I knew that god asked me to search for him and his glory.

I vowed for myself to make changes that I could examine what was important to me. Now, I feel that I'm at the end of that journey with nowhere else to go!

I went to university and completely made the effort I needed.

Today, I'm almost finished the degree I had valiantly fought for... except I'm 1.5 classes away from that goal. I can't finish the bachelor's degree because I don't have gas left in the tank. I have nothing left. I don't want to go back into university.

I feel that I'm cheated out of something that my true destiny isn't in my future?

My aunts surgery was a success. The tumor has been removed. Now the healing has already begun. I pray my aunt gets better. My aunt needs to have more treatment done. I'm relieved that the tumor is out completely. My hope is for my family and our health that what my aunt is dealing with won't happen to anyone.

I'm thankful to god. This puts everything that's most important into perspective... my mom, dad and sister.

I've been thinking about the family a lot lately. My aunt has had surgery and I'm waiting to hear from my mom about it. I hope the surgery went successful.

My mom and my gradmother will be heading to Fatima tomorrow.

I recently made my own pilgrimage to Portugal this past year. My travel took my to Spain, through France and Switzerland... I made my final destination Belgium.

The pilgrimage was set as a stepping stone for me. I wanted to experience something for myself, because of the changes that have occured in my life.

A lot has changed in the years that I've spent, I promised that somehow I'd accomplish what my calling might be?

When I went into university this year, I had intended on finishing my degree. I blame myself for taking writing courses, that I couldn't complete... I withdrew myself from the classes.

Now, I need to change into the person I always knew I could be.

I know that after tomorrow a new journey begins for my aunt and our family members. We will be there for each other and everything that comes our way. The process begins with my aunt having her tumor removed. In the future she will be free of her cancer. We will be brought together in Portugal.

My love for god is never-ending, and I know he will keep me alive.

I pray for my aunt. She has her surgery tomorrow 8am.

God will be with her and keep her safe.

Everybody Makes Mistakes

Depression is something that the devil loves to dwell in, he'll slither his way into an opening large enough to take a bite. The larger the depression grows the devil is there to sting you to death. I won't deny gods will for the devil.

I've been walking upstairs, around my kitchen table. I can feel myself bounce up off of the floor with every step I take.

My thoughts and prayers are with my aunt. I hope I can uncover some help in the prayers I've made. The help my aunt needs for my prayers to be answered.

I ask our dearest Benilde to do what she can to help be with my aunt.

I remember sitting on my great grandmothers death bed, as I sat next to her. I hope that she is also hearing my prayers for my aunt.

Gods Will

I'm trying to re-connect with god. I want to establish a connection.

I'm afraid some people simply rationalize their existence without knowing the truth?

I sincerely believe in god, and that in respect to the nature of god... some people rationalize their beliefs of him?

What does this mean for me on my journey?

Doesn't how others pursue god, matter in the network of gods will among everyone?

The existence of god isn't an existential question, but one of belief, and of truthfulness in his greatness.

My aunt is about to undergo surgery that will have an effect on the rest of her life. What I pray is that god will allow the surgeons to successfully remove the tumor completely from her brain. My aunt needs help to get "the devil" out to be destroyed!

What takes part in the mercy for gods will? The exersion of the spiritual self and the physical body?

I love Jesus

How very intelligent
imprisoned in the black hole
guilty of desire
vulnerable.

I'm talking.
----------------------------
There is a reason I'm writing this. I think about the [place] I'm now in.

I used to have friends that knew me... and I don't have those friends today.

I wonder "why"? I never ask to be this depressed.


I think back to a time I was in my deepest depression. I was in my grade 12 year in High School. I had a girlfriend who broke up with me. To make a long story short, my (best friend) Edgar had pursued a relationship with her (right after Donna and I broke-up.) I was sitting inside a local McDonalds with Edgar. He stood up and left me at the table by myself, as I was seated he said, "I know what happened." What was he not telling me? Did he think he knows something I didn't? It was then I realized that Edgar wasn't there to help console me, but that he was only there to judge me.

Now that I think back to that time, I wonder what lies Donna might have said to manipulate something other than the truth about me?

The impact on me, because of what Edgar did is irreversible and he cannot have been worse influenced by his decision to listen to Donna.

I've been running away from that moment in my history ever since because of how affected I became. I wish I told someone at the time, but I didn't know how to express myself exactly the way it happened. I couldn't understand what was happening. I wasn't to blame. Donna was at fault. Edgar was played for a fool.

I was effected emotionally in a way I couldn't rebound from. I ran and kept running. I saw a psychologist for adolescents. I wasn't telling him about the events because of the overwhelming amount that was happening was difficult to grasp... I just couldn't cope. Little did I know the downward spiral that would result in my demise from grace, I swear that the devil himself sent me into a tailspin. I only wish I knew better.

There's a hole in my heart I didn't know was slowly eating away at me, and it was exposed to the devil who entered. The devil bought my soul. I was bought by the devil behind my back, and right under my nose Donna and Edgar were at the core.

I only considered myself a beautiful human being, popular in his own quiet way without a word to self-describe my true cadence. A free spirit. My actions of free will.

I'm turning back the clock and I can see what in spite of my actions, that the devil compromised me in every way... interfering with my fate and controlled my own destiny. My issues were of sadness, I needed the touch of my mother and strength of my father.

(That summer was my graduation night. I discovered Edgar in bed with Donna on my grad night. Later on that same summer I suffered from a terrible car accident. I went back to high school to upgrade for university. I had a ski accident that demoralized me personally. I got in with the wrong group of friends. I began university. I was heart broken by another girl Lindsay. I couldn't cope. The cycle continued. I fell into the wrong hands... the devil made me do it. It was all a mask.)

Now I'm coming full circle, as if on a ferris wheel at the top looking over the bridge that got me here.






The devil bought my soul without me knowing... without even asking me! Without me even knowing myself, that my heart god had made, inside of me, was being eaten away and consumed me. In spite of not knowing the devil's deed, my heart had a secret hole that was enlarging, and the devil snuck in without me knowing.








The devil stole the key and locked himself inside.









I need to heal. I command the devil to leave. My heart is not open for the devil's business of suicide. My secrets are to be kept locked in my own vault. Gods glory has been swept into the closet, and the holy-ghost lives in my minds attic only to rescue me.

I ask god to leave the devil's footsteps behind me as I unplug my older virtue into a renewed but newer socket that the devil can't unplug me from.

The evil of the devil's secrets will always be closed off. God whispers into my ear. "The devil has left your heart's center, he knows what he's caused, you have the power. The devil planted his seeds of evil in your heart without you knowing, you must reclaim me and banish the evil spirit. I acclaim you holy. You've always had the character of gods will, you're not a sinner. You can be lifted free. I love you."

The devil wants to expose me and shows how the secrets reflect in the mirror over-shadow me, that my reflection isn't worthy of gods grace.

Christmas 2004

Since I was a boy, Christmas has always been important to me... for I've had some connection and a deep attachment.

The gifts would be wrapped and under the tree.

However, the tree itself is the symbol that designates what Christmas is about.

When the tree decorations are hung-up on each branch and the ornaments bring the tree to life. A spirit.

This year marks a lot of special memories for me of many past Christmas seasons.


Tomorrow my aunt leaves Portugal and will be in Belgium. Her surgery will be performed on December 29.


I know I've spent many years trying to put the past behind me once and for all. The fear of god has lifted itself and rested on my shoulders.


Some people would believe in the meaning of Christmas and forget where it comes from. Christmas isn't a red-cap or shiny nose and a bag full of toys. Now, I can see that the price that's paid is in full. People forget that Christmas is the belief in something greater, of hope and prosperity, of living a meaningful eternal life. That my wish is for health and happiness in the shape of god. Gods will is the Christmas season in mind and body to become blessed in all his glory.

Looking back into another doorway that's open, the Christmas I had this year was different than all of the other times.

I shared a different kind of light, I shed a different kind of tear.

This Christmas was in the name of my mother and father, my sister and her boyfriend, and especially my aunt.

Raising the bar

The bar has now been risen to a new kind of level, and I'm taking it into consideration.

I've taken from the experience I'm in with Dr. Gordon, and I can achieve some different things.

Dr. Gordon has linked my behavior to a phobia. My condition is that the phobia has to subside.

1 "I hate myself"
2 The hierarchy
3 Instability or self-esteem

My awareness for all three: is that I do have self-confidence to create my own destiny. My true ability involve these factors.

Insecurity has resulted from the impacts of past trauma.

I can see the many benefits of what my positive aspects I possess are .


The main issue Dr. Gordon uses to illustrate myself as (points to a general direction) and says, "Look at that girl over there, I'm going to go over there and I think she's devastatingly gorgeous." The problem is 2 fold. A part of me wants to go and see the girl, the other is that I'm afraid of being rejected. If I hold true to my virtue, I'll have nothing to worry about. I want to eliminate the image of a woman "stepping on me". If I don't stand-up for my desires but instead risk damaging my own reputation, squirming and squeeking like a mouse. The difference is believing I can approach the woman, not crumble to bits and pieces, like a vase of roses smashing to the ground as I pick them up off of the floor.

The difference is that I'm not like a selection of mice that's a weakling among the group, and is scared of being judged. The mouse says to the group, "I'm telling you that I couldn't meet that woman over there." I'm deducing what Dr. Gordon implied to me the group of other mice won't care how you react to the woman if she doesn't reciprocate your advances. The group of other mice aren't going to be telling you how to deal with the woman. What if the woman wouldn't call you back after the first date? What if the woman covers her tracks better then you do? Judging others actions in the same manner to what you do, not because of the woman, only if you are interested in pursuing her for something such as a relationship.



When I look at other people who I 've asked nothing from I'll look them in the eye measuring how prayer works. I describe myself as a good natured person with morals.


"I prayed to god to give me the strength to help you today."


I categorize friends in 2 types:

The kind that will see you through depression.
The kind that allow you to suffer from depression.

Transformation

I'm a pioneer of the 1990-2000 era. (circa 2004)
I've been stabbed to death with a knife, my pen in hand, myself the working-class poet.

I refrain from language that's derogatory.
I refrain from knowledge.
I refrained from the question.

People without inferiority complex?

Pagans...

The fleet on board a ship weren't insubordinate or could resist their tempation of my vessel?

Over the clouds high above that a sky has fallen!

If it were as though, the sun circled around the earth, life and death or a fear of god?

When I look back into the trivial linkage of "moving forwards"... I find ritual in nature.

The once 13, 24, 27 years of age. I've been baptized, and confirmed in Portugal.

I believe in the power of the holy spirit and I was born of the virgin mary (my mother).

My father is the producer of my sacred self, the womb that was fertile like the earth of gods care.

This is my essence.

Watch me transforming and chase the "unplugged" will of god.
Is it a habit, or not routine, maybe understanding?
Watch my blood trickle through my veins.

What truly is the will of god that isn't divine, perfect in nature, or is otherwise not unknown to man?

That the promise is built-in, inside of me, entirely into myself. Almost a statue!! A decade in heat, cold only comes from a tin can.

Since the age of '0' (zero-below), the amount of weight that I've gained... only to feel the ground beneath each foot of mine.

My feet have experienced the truth for every step I took and a trail of light I left behind to trace the journey. What I found came out of the darkness and into the fields of golden-wisdom or an age of "momentary blindness", (like drapes hanging down behind the window pane,) I reframed the picture and read it from a story book. Such a novel idea. A spotlight. A cat and dog. A piece of thread. The curtain raises above. A bewildered audience suspended disbelief.

Canada 3 Slovakia 0

Right now I'm on my way to Dale's house for Christmas.

I want healing to begin, and my aunts suffering to end. Everything that's happening depends on my aunt's life.

I've been on opposite sides of the fence. The thoughts I have of myself haven't helped me, this year has been tough.

I need to contemplate the future I have created. Without my mother here with me, this Christmas is the first without, while she's away.

I can feel a "void".

I pray for my aunt and mercy on her life... I pray for her health.

Fantasy Island

Rescue me on the Island of Christmas.
There you will find me.

I'm in the parade.

I'm the drummer-boy.

There is nothing but darkness and the moonlit sky.

Bring toward me gifts, rowing in from the ocean.
My island.

This place of quiet will and tranquility, honor and surprises.

I see everyone's desires.

Frozen... happiness.

This isn't Disney Land, ...it's my paradise.

I'm stranded upon?

Worse for Wear

Christmas Eve 2004

.........
......


There's an island off of the shore, I've been looking for. Something didn't go well along the way, but I try to navigate myself, somehow.

I've been waiting for favors.

People that talk and are speaking of Jesus.

Now I'm moving into the eye of the storm.

I know what team I'm on.

Effexor

Now that I'm taking anti-depressants again... (Effexor is also something to help control my ADHD.)


What I want is to be sure that I don't gain weight as a result of the drug or increase my stress levels (anxiety).

My life isn't what I hoped it would be. I rather be in bed dreaming.

But, I can remember some of my favorite moments as a human being.

I remember this girl named Fatima once gave me a gift because she had a crush on me and wanted me to like her enough to make her my girlfriend. I refused the gift. I also remember attending her funeral 5 years later.

Now that I'm on my horse... I'll get on and off it as I please.

I'm trying my best to deal with the present situation.

My mom has left for her first Christmas away from home.

Now I'm still contemplating the effects of my depression. I don't know what side I'm on exactly.

I'm wondering about where my horse is? The nature of my ego.

I'm beginning to believe I do have a horse, that I can get on and climb off. The horse is my ego.

Now the horse has come back to me. I'm aware of it being here with me.

My conscious is telling me something this Christmas.

Be thankful for the home you have.

Be thankful for your father.

Be thankful for your mother.

Realize the fortune you have in the world... think how your not going hungry that nobody cares about you?

It's harder to think about falling off of my horse, then breaking the camels back. The horse can't run off. I want to whisper in my horse's ear. I want to love my horse and feed the horse what it's heart desires most.

My success depends on my horse, and my ability to stay within myself. I don't need to give up on my horse or me wearing a mask as though Zorro. It's as if the possibility of emerging with the beast (horse) and the knight (myself). My knighthood is the forest filled with pine trees and wonder, where my maiden awaits. I can hear her calling my name and I'm in a magical kingdom. I leave behind a trail of coins to find my way out of the woods and into the heart of the darkness. The light is given to me by the sun (god) and will be my journey (map).



What if I'm unsure of what team I'm on, we're not on opposite sides of the fence... my horse and I?



Dr. Gordon, is the psychiatrist I'm seeing.


He's not to blame for the misfortunate circumstances I'm experiencing. He mentioned to me about the hierarchy, that I must look forward. What I think he meant by not describing the term "hierarchy"?

Hierarchy is the expresssion that Dr. Gordon used as an implication. The metphor of my horse and the analogy presents itself.

The hierarchy can be anything you choose, whethter a cat or dog or people... it's abstract.

Everything I do depends on my place in the hierarchy. Everything I believe depends upon the hierarchy in the position.

For example, if I see myself in the place of my father and mother... I live in their home, and I also work with them. Both of my parents are successful at what they do. However, do I also pursue how my parents function or is it a choice I've made?

My dad works very hard and so does my mom.

Only I can decide what is best in the situation that works for me.

My parents are successful... doesn't mean I can also be equally as successful or not?

Our family is weak at communicating effectively with one another. This results in animosity and turmoil if we can't agree on something instead of dealing with the matter.

I explain myself as awkwardly. I'm not a straight forward an individual. I'm not very "to the point" when getting my message of what I feel, since I experience difficulty expressing things in a positive manner.

I spoke with Dr. Gordon today.

After I had given him the words to express what I felt, he projected back to me what I wrote to him. He started today's session by asking me if I hated him? The right answer is no, I don't dislike or hate Dr. Gordon. I want to know this man and I know that he will help me overcome my troubles.

He caught me off-guard when he asked me that... because the truth is, I only hate myself.

The note I gave Dr. Gordon explained what I went through after my experience in a Christmas party I attended.

I know I can change... I needed to let Dr. Gordon know exactly what I was thinking and feeling.

I made myself "sick" at the thoughts I was having.

I realize Dr. Gordon is trying to help me find my true self. The part of me that's hidden from the world and is hiding beneath the shadows.

My demons are "stupid creatures" (ficitional). Like a giant lamb of a monster, like the lochness, and guarding the entrance of a church. The church is where all my beliefs and sacred-self are kept from the outside world! No one must ever enter the church or else the giant monstrous lamb will eat you alive!!

I use the analogy as a working metaphor... my ego.

I'm as an intense, a frightened and a sensitive an individual you will find in the process.

Last week the anger I expressed with my sister, only affirms myself hatred. I hate myself for not seeing who I truly am. It makes me sick to think of it.

Dr. Gordon can see how vulnerable I experience everything. Can I trust this man like I haven't been able to trust anyone else?

When I build my bridges, can I get onto my horse? Is the horse a place I can feel most free?

Right now... I don't know how to speak with the horse. The horse doesn't have a language I understand. Can I be the horse tamer?

Dr. Gordon isn't trying to tame me or my horse... he knows the horse is a ghostly figure to me and that I haven't even come close to the horse to be my friend. Instead, I've created distance and become isolated. The horse is alone in pasture grazing and waiting to be one with his master.

I want to ride in peace on my horse and not with rage against owning the ideas I possibly have.

Life is all about falling off of the horse and getting back onto it's back. The book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, (I've read recently) also helps me realize what I should and shouldn't be doing whenever I fall off of my horse, to seize the opportunity as before, I climbed upon it.

Dr. Gordon uses the analogy in reference to a metaphor I can identify with. When I used to date women, I really had a strong personality with a charm. I could be called the ideal ladies man.

The fact I can readily speak to women, I know I can be myself and not worry about falling off the horse. I began to be worried the first time I doubted myself came when I'd get dumped from the relationship or I was afraid of commitement. If the girl would come too close, I wuold push away... if I suspected or had felt that she backed off from the realtionship would make me insecure.

I should emphasize on knowing the way I used to behave, is a measuring stick for how I plug myself into the world and why I project my judgments.

I own the most intimate details about me none of which are "perfect". I've made myself to be inferior instead of reinforcing the positive aspects. Judgment coming from other people shouldn't affect me, because I know I'm beautiful and wise enough to know better.

The fact I take myself seriously is meant for my goodness to unplug the judging, when feeling I'm labeled or not taken seriously.

A good example of this came at the Christmas Party.

I realize I'm capable to ensure how good a person I am and why I should indicate my qualities of self-worth.

Dreaming of a White Christmas...

I'm off to see my doctor (pychiatrist) Dr. Gordon. I feared this day would come. Today, I think I have to ask Dr. Gordon for anti-depressants.

I heard today on television somone that referred, "You don't have to accept being refused from a person whose in no position to say 'yes' to you."

I'm by no means a person who's been prejudice or discriminates against anyone.

Yet, through the years I've changed in many perceptions and how I percieve my life.

In particular, I was the most genuine person I knew.

When I went to the Christmas Party on the week-end, I saw a lot of people that knew me. I wasn't "afraid" to be there. The difference being that I wasn't trying to make people see me... instead I dropped the mask I always WOULD have on. Instead, I thought I should be myself.

I saw a lot of different things as a result.

Now, I have a better view of where I am.

I seriously don't want the anti-depressants. I was filled with anxiety and fueled by hatred for some of the people in attendance at the party.

The anxiety has subsided but still lurks deep in my mind.


This Christmas I want to be thankful for how dedicated my family is to each other.


It's hard to concentrate on what I can be? Happiness is a choice and I feel stale about everything, perhaps I don't know what being happy should be.

Just Random Thoughts

My first true crush I had... her name was Crystal Clark.

I saw a picture of a guy in the newspaper yesterday... I recognized him immediately. He used to be in a theatre class recently, I was also in. He used to work with me at the hotel we both worked in. He was egostistical (comedian) and self-centered. Nobody liked him. He didn't care to work very much.

I remember some teachers I had growing up. Some would make me want to move forward. Some would make me move "backwards". Most would leave me behind.

My aunt arrived in Portugal today and my mom leaves on Friday.

The Hierarchy

First Clown[Sings]But age, with his stealing steps,Hath claw'd me in his clutch,And hath shipped me intil the land,As if I had never been such.


Throws up a skull


HAMLET That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once: how the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it were Cain's jaw-bone, that did the first murder! It might be the pate of a politician, which this ass now o'er-reaches; one that would circumvent God, might it not?


HORATIO It might, my lord.

I ended up going to this get-together last night.Here's the deal for the reason I went...I had news of my godmother being diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm devastated. This follows that my mom has to board a plane this week, cross the ocean, and we'll not be spending christmas this year. Therefore, this was my only opportunity for a holiday "festivity" that I hardly can say was since the news of my godmother hit. Christmas is lost for this year, but I wait for a miracle. So, I went to the party against my will.

Part II

I show up at the party and when I come back home after, I feel like I've hit a brick wall... I really detest having been there. What do I have to show for it? The people my age group, the "guy" friends all copped out on me. The people I care about most (of course my immediate family) were present, and my sister and her boyfriend sat down next to me just to keep me company.I hated every minute I was there, because I'm no more shallow to think how bad I have it for the people that I despise. Meanwhile my aunt has a tumor... and I just want her to be alright.

Part III

The guy who is sitting at the head of the table with some new girlfriend of his. He's an antagonistic self-centered type... but I realize the girl he's with I recognized. I remember her from a few years ago when I was at a new year's party. I was at the new years party with this same guy she's with now! Why I'm bitter, is that the guy played me for a fool that night saying, "She's not interested in you." Only to fish hook her himself. The audacity of this guy, because when I was in high school I caught this same guy in bed with my ex-girlfriend on grad night!! What is the term used to describe a guy with such callous? Anyhow, I'd like to have sliced a piece into the guy and confronted him with a piece of my mind. Unfortunately I end up taking my last 24 hours trying to make sense of everything that's happened.I just needed to vent.

Part IV

I had an enormous amount of negative energy from the night I spent at the party. I resent the people I was with. I was there feeling non-existent. The guy who I mentioned in Part II is Edgar Corriea. His closest friend is Jeff Taylor. They work together for Hostess Frtio Lay. Why do these guys not know me anymore?

My family have seen the frustration I have. I simply cannot act differently around Edgar or Jeff knowing how much anger I've spent on my family as a result.

I feel guilty that my sister keeps trying to reach out to me when nobody else does and I get mad at her.

This all seems so unfair to me. I'm afraid of something but I don't know what. Please god help me. Please, I cannot survive this way any longer. My mom is giving up on me and she says if I were anyone else she wouldn't put up with me.

I've tried so hard to change who I am into what I ought to be.

Now I don't know where I am or what I should do.

Where is Marco? Where are you? Where have I gone?

I think I need to phone Edgar and give him a piece of my mind.

The Crescendo Rising

I used to be instructed from a film teacher in my acting course. Now, I have seen a few of the things that he talks about.

"Don't judge."

From my movement course:

"Go to the extremity... breath deeply."

From my Intro Theatre Course:

"The AS IF."



Everything in life becomes a prophecy of the original... only I am the original!

From the acting classes:

The Actors Process
The psychological gesture. (Anton Chekov)



It's what creates the objective that's authentic in my wholeness as a human being.



I've finished reading a self-help book about the divided line, you experience an allegory of different sub-personalities and create the image of yourself!! This has been a most powerful journey I've made from reading the book itself.


: A prophecy of words and language...


the subjects I've covered in the way I have studied...


has now entered a new realm.


I've learned not to judge and to love and accept myself, by creating my own happiness and my own self-concept through a positive self-image... I can finally say to myself "I AM THAT."


I think I'd enjoy to work in film and theatre, because I have the talent and what skill is required. When I'm on stage or on-screen, the necessary concepts and experience I already have made. In film: TASK - CHARACTER JOURNEY - ANALOGOUS SITUATION.


It's about hitting the nail on the head, but not without a hammer. It's like drilling a hole in the wall, but not with a drilling machine. It's as though turning over dough, and not forgetting to add the yeast.

The Happiness Option

I’m smart not to be his friend.
I’m smart not to say hello.
I’d have been smarter not to be his friend.

I’ll keep my options open.

That God would forgive based on conditions…
“Let’s make a deal.”

The unconditional.

That having a conversation with the utmost in mind isn’t against the law.

I’m not a pagan.

Spilling The Eggnog

I’ve split the eggnog into 2 halves… splat in the middle.

1 that’s “negative” and the other is “positive”.

I want to turn-on feeling into an action, and thought into a reaction.

Then, only death becomes the MASK!

Delirious / Delusional / Inhibition

What is happiness and where can I get it?
I fell of the horse.

Now my horse is gone, away, somewhere else.
Some place along the journey…

I ripped off my mask.
The mask broke into pieces.

I’m sensitive.

The mask broke.

I’m picking up the pieces until my horse comes back.’

I’m on the racetrack…
Who is the spectator?

TAKE OFF THE MASK!!
PUT DOWN THE MASK!!

THEY’RE NECK AND NECK!!

THEY’RE ON THE FINAL STRETCH!!


IT’S BY A NOSE.


I’LL PUT ON MY MASK.

On The Contrary

Mr. Tambourine Man
Put down the mask.

I say, put down the mask!

Why do you wear that?

Where is your stability?

Mr. Tambourine Man…



On the contrary!!


I’ll squeeze it out of you…
Mr. Tambourine Man.


You know that I know.


It’s time to take off the mask Mr. Tambourine Man.

Profitability of Character

I’ve been inept in my past relationships.
Some would question the logic behind it.
The man.
The woman.
2 different.

The labels of “cheater” and the mistrust associated with another person.
Insecurity issues.

Usually the most inept people will be the ones who become abused!

Facing the Consequences

The weather is a mercy killer. When I’m stuck with my lips dry on the ceiling.
The weather is a mercy killer!

Hansel and Gretle have had a “coming out party”.

(Candid and acknowledge.)

The candidacy for “superintendent” is an issue for many people in power… what’s the main problem?

Attack and defend!!

The Ogopogo and a Coffee Crisp!

Reclaiming My Innocence

A Unique Divinity

There’s a frost painted on everything that surrounds you.
Like frosting on cake…
Layer after layer.

The Salvation Army person,
Standing at the post.


I’ll tell you a story.



The potion I had taken yesterday changed me forever.



Ripping a closed bag of chips open.

Ice cream on the floor melting.

The Salesman

I'm at a confusing corner in my life, where I'm stuck in the middle of a dangerous intersection.

I blame the university experience.

When I went to university, I came across teachers that said I couldn't write. Although in my work, I created, whatever was required by the professor and the course of study given.

Now, I just want nothing more than to forget it all happened the way it did.

The end.

Cheers for Fears

(The appeal to popular opinion is such a driving-force.)


Have you heard about the tear drop made of milk?
It plunged into the snow.

The winter months covered in ice, form crystals made of plastic - containers.

Milk is quite inordinate. Extradition. Extraditable.

What is milk made of exactly?

Milk comes in a decorated container fit for human consumption.


Milk= "spots" from a cow.

Cash= Now the consumer can buy it, in quantity and quality.



My favorite milk comes in the color of snow.



The dead of winter.

And suddenly a paradise has been formed. (As if the universe were a bubble.)

Although in days of paradise, the shaking has also caused a hail of snow to fall!!

Now all I can see is whiteness and a candy tree.

Candy canes.

Candy canes for all.

FOR FREE!

And I wonder what Santa will bring me?

Milk from heaven would be splendidly nice.


Has Santa arrived?

Might Scrooge be open for business?

What's under the Christmas Tree?

Underneath the tree, are gifts...

A sled for the children
A dog for the sled
A broom stick for the closet


Where does the snow hide its miracles, are they "secret" in nature?

If god were to say, "Let it snow" could it be that it'd snow for all eternity?

Or has snow not materialized just yet?



Alas it was not meant to be.



Snowing comes only in the winter.

Snow comes alive in the breadth of imaginations, that harness warmth inside and only coming from the heart.



If god closed his doors for business, he might grant our requests as easy. But it's not easy to wish for snow. That'd be a miracle beyond his borders. (It wouldn't snow everyday if you wished.)



Maybe the law can provide snow-angels or "earth angles"...
that would be most delightful.

May it be impossible to find the words to describe milk with?

I'd sit over tea with Fernando Pessoa.

Fears of “Ironing”

I’ve had chicken breath all day.
It’s because of my cow,
I went to the grocery store.

I had a list:

Pancake mix
Marmalade
Dairy
Salmon

Credit-rating: (repulsive)

Dallas @ Seattle

Tonight it was Monday Night Football on ABC, and I had an interesting "talk" with my father at the dinner table.

My dad usually doesn't start conversations with me, but tonight was different. We just "talked". It was something I wished we did more of.

I cannot help think as negatively about my life, as I've been doing lately, but I needed to have my dad plug into me the way he did.

I think maybe I can change?


That my dad and I did some talking, without a worry with school or work or whatever... We just sat where we were and didn't let anything bother us.


I felt differently yet some calm in the air that I wasn't used to having after being in the kitchen alone with my dad. Just me and my father.


I've been thinking about my future in a way, that I'll be deserted in some way? I ask myself where will the television be, when I'm as old as my dad is today? Now, I'm young but when the future comes... will I be ready?


I see how much I've changed just by a simple conversation with my dad.


I've blamed so much on my past.


Edgar Correia doesn't even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath. When I found him with my ex-girlfriend in bed, it was on our graduation night!! We're no longer friends. I went into a depression and after the amount I've suffered... I don't feel Edgar's "good enough". We helped him and his mom so much in the time of need, and I won't go back to that time. Since Edgar has gone through to his daily life, he's doing what I'm not, but I won't be in his shadow.


Edgar found other friends, when I wasn't as good enough to be. Me not good enough?


I had friends like Nuno Neves and his girlfriend Nancy, felt I was interfering in her relationship with Nuno. Nancy is possessive. Now I say she can keep Nuno. I don't care.


I want to be appreciated.


Thank you dad.


http://allpoetry.com/Poem/207484


“There is something that is much more scarce, something finer far, something rarer than ability. It is the ability to recognize ability.” – Elbert Hubbard

The Mad Hatter

There's a difference in learning, and knowing.

To "know" happens in the process, to learn happens in the process of knowing.

My Voluntary Withdrawal

The feeling of separation is like a method.

She’s my Invalidation
Her Resistance
Restraint from myself…
Being back into the future


And Cigarettes.


Trying to figure myself out
Hobbit
Try to help figuring it out
Hermit

The other is one that flew over the cuckoo’s nest.



Why do we make the laws, when are laws not made to be broken?



There then comes a time.




What do you want?
What will you do to get there??
What have you done to get where you are???
What are you going to do now????

God You're Slow: Flavoring the Ice-Cream

poet.< "Sweet and Spicy" "YOU'RE WRONG." >Low Fat Yogurt

Mind over matter= Mind over favors

What is learning? What's the competition?

Pause Control Agnostic

Why am I not happy?

The question I'm raising to myself has to deal with my past.

My mom is very caring. When Christmas comes around, she's busy baking.

I have to ready myself for Christmas, because of people that I literally feel take us for granted.
It's as though they think they're doing us a favor by visiting our house that we'd invite them over for Christmas!

I'm a lot like my mom.

I think my mom is a special person, because of the way she thinks. People who know my mom only know that she's strong and independent. However, my mom doesn't "owe" anything. Except, because my mother comes across as giving and considerate, the consideration she'll receive from other people is, "Oh, she really likes to do this sort of thing."

I'm reading about the affect self-esteem has on me, and what I see myself as in life.

I compare myself with my mom, because I also believe I'm the same way she acts.

What I don't like is if people don't appreciate my true qualities much the same way my mom has hers. If I see my mom being taken for granted, because of other people's mentality take my mother for granted in choices she makes.

The choices that I've made are not to ignore people, but to see them for the fears they show against how someone like my mom is in life.

My parents work very hard, and only have people take them for granted!!

I've grown-up to witness the casualty of being in the shadow, my self-esteem has to be the essence of my virtue.

To contain everything I've learned, is to solidify and strengthen my ego.

I've become "stronger" and I'm stronger for being how I see my mother in myself.

Now, what happens is a result of the way I can help recognize if people relfect my true qualities appropriately.

I care to replace my opinion of my mother with myself, and work against the people who've not given me less but more of.

People, who seem to judge based on their ego, won’t respect how my mom owns herself.

My mom has her own unconditional ego.

In other words, my mom contributes the most basic human qualities unconditionally. When people see a person like my mom IS, they are too busy thinking about placing an external variable on what my mom does. My mom will do without expecting anything in return. What people anticipate is the fact my mom wouldn’t expect anything from them! They’re attitude is “Why should we appreciate?” The difference being that my mom, is someone who’ll like to be validated through love… without people actually caring enough to notice how she acts is the basis of my mom’s will. My mom needs recognition, but because she blocks this aspect of herself from others, my mother thinks wouldn’t imply other people should bother caring. People, who see this about my mom, would only not be thinking about what my mom “DESERVES”. Instead of validation, my mom isn’t expecting a person of validating her. People who’ve seen this aspect of my mom only take advantage. My mom deserves “Acts of Love” that resemble her true nature.




I’m my mother’s son… I won’t stand for it. I know what my mom deserves in life.

Not Copping Out

Instead of worrying about what my next job promotion should be, I'm "busy" enough having myself deal with self-esteem issues.

Today, I came across something on the Internet, that calculates the amount of money I'd need to save me $1, 000,000.

This surprised me.

I would need to save $1, 000 for the next 28.5 years of my life. (That means aside from paying out taxes and other interest subtracted from the income I earn.) Which also meant I must recieve enough income to put aside $1, 000 from my earnings. *Aside from expenses of daily living, I'd have to earn enough income and save $1, 000 every month for 28.5 years per each month.

It got me thinking.

I concentrate on what my emotional intelligence has brought me, if I compare myself to how other people my age value?

I wonder.

What MUST I be?

Have I really wasted my life?

Dealing With God

My godmother has Melanoma and I want god to promise me that she won't leave us, or there will be some explaining to do!

Fear of Terriers

Today I came face to face with my doctor's dog. Dr. Gordon has a Terrier named "sky".

Last night I had a dream about my ex-girlfriend, Linda.

What she's doing in my dream... I interpreted as her being there because I'm arriving into a new stage in my life perhaps?

I enjoyed the conversation I was involved in with Dr. Gordon. He's an insightful individual. We were discussing what I want in life. I thought about some of the suggestions that Dr. Gordon has, and I can't say I disagree with him.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness draws my curiosity. For example, I've never had friends that truly are looking out for me. I feel lost sometimes, because of people's superficiality in general. I'm the type of person who'll look out for people that I love. Except, friends in my past haven't ever tried to approach me the same way. It's like something of an oxymoron, when forgiveness comes into question. I have tried a lot to change my perspective, and give different views to provide how I may feel. For instance, I want people I know to recognize that I'm not being myself. If I'm feeling sad or "lonely", what I expect to hear now is, "Let me take the hurt you're feeling away from you, tell me what's wrong, maybe I can help." IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU DESERVE. That's the point I've reached, I can only continue to grow with learning what forgiveness truly means to me.

I know a person that used to have a lot of friends, now I'm different.

People wouldn't see me for who I was, and now they'll never truly appreciate who I am today. There's definitely something wrong with the other person. I've always been careful and now I'm doing things "right". For me to realize how much I've changed, I look back to some people. Certain people that I've been attached are no longer significant.

My Conversation with God

What are you reacting to? (God is holding a glass filled with wine.)












That your glass is full of wine.

Allegory of Nature: Keeping Myself Safe

Why don't you lie?

No, I exaggerate.

You like to exaggerate? What are you trying to hide?

Return From Iceland

Tonight I came into contact with the dancing santa.

I didn't ask for what I wanted.

In the future, I think.

Not to be "sad" but angrily aware of the past.

I want to be sad, not angry.

The Happiness Option: Disconnection From Feelings

What is happiness? Is happiness an option?

Is being happy my, tattoo?

Is my happiness, my "being happy" no connection?

When I’m disconnected from what I maybe feeling, is to ask myself, “What in the hell is wrong?”

Thought = connection to thinking.

Thought + Feeling= connection.

My Safest Environment

Dear Mom and Dad and Sister,

I love you.

I need to let you know that I feel I need you in my life.

Sometimes I forget about how much I change, but through everything I will always find peace in being part of you.

Coloring My Instincts: Creating My Boundaries

"Rule: You should always keep the boundaries you've made."

Equality and Fairness

Are you recording your voice?

Do you see the surrounding mirrors in the construct of your mind?

Can you hear the sounds?

What sounds are you hearing?

Is the echoing, a “set of boundaries” that playback in your mind?

Can you feel the rhythm?

I have an English accent: sad-sadder-saddest

ANGRY.

Sharing Gods Will: The Resurrection Continues

There's a lot to be said when it comes to speaking about the nature of god in an argument.

Today, I feel that yesterday belongs to someone else.

I want to be gods best customer. "The greatest person alive" known to myself, I created the coupon.

I had written a very long short ficition last night, that suddenly disappeared because of a computer glitch. I used to be quite hard on myself if that'd happened in the past. Except, I did something I wasn't used to doing, instead what I didn't do was react.

Reacting is something I always would've resorted to as a defense mechanism, people have defense mechanisms that aren't always functioning as good to them as they'd like.

My ownsership of the time I plan on having a better relationship with myself, is to focus on something positively. My self-confidence is attributed to the experience I'll "own".

The nature of experience is a ritual, much aligned together not without self-confidence.

I can look back into the way I used to be "reactive" and see how much less I've become. I'm now more of the way I wanted to be.

I used to unforgive myself as a failure in what I'd not finish doing and succeed at blaming myself first.

God has managed to provide me with my only gifts of love, desires, and hope of becoming a man whose mature, considerate, thoughtful and caring.

My godmother who lives in Belgium, is married and now has cancer.

I can't imagine what being a cancer survivor entails. All I can ask is that god please grant me a Christmas wish and make her cancer free. It'd be a "miracle".