Purchased Ordered

Today I recieved my confirmation of graduam. My university era is coming to an end. I will close my tenure this Sunday as a BA in Theatre.

Many factors are involved since beginning, when I first attended my Psychology lecture. I was 21 years of age. Now, I am 28 years old and still counting. During that time, I found myself without fear of knowing what I would become? I had some questions, before I knew the answers. Those were my hurdles to clear. The fact I survived with ADHD or most recently making aware of the secret I overcomed. I succeeded! It is my story of survival.

I traced back the challenge knowing what I will be not to live a lie. It is about revealing my identity for the future and my true sense of self. I will be that goalie facing a slap shot in the crease.

I am not a shrinking violet for which I have prepared, outlasting many obstacles. I can see the light after reaching my tolerance level for failed misjudgment. I can choose in doing everything I limit myself to. I can be anything. A thoughtful focus.

No leads regarding my sanity

The future? As of now, I became a university graduate. I am feeling the effects of looking for a place that I fit in. It seems to me that finding a job, is not a guarantee. My life is changing gradually as it is tasteless. Life is scentless as it is senseless.

Play things

There are these things important to me:

1 - I need room to grow. I do not want to be like my dad in the cleaning business. In order to do this, first I must move out of the house.

2 - I realized lately that Tanya, because I have been committed to her, she understands me well enough. She listens to me, and I need to respect that. Her life is changing. People she knows, can already identify with me as her boyfriend material.

3 - Dr. Gordon telling me to move on with my life. He stopped seeing me.

4 - My sense of duty. I feel I have become everything I am meant to be.

Anonymity

I am nothing -
like the beast.
This eye of mine.
I patronized.

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Since I have evolved, more of me continues to want what is best. Not the material kind of possessions, but a definitive immaterial nature that sparks internally. I would hope, that in my most benevolent and caring image I can reveal.

about being an author

I wrote my last peom, involving how much I have become.

In life I have transformed into something. I have changed in many ways. The reason as I have changed, brings me a wisdom to choose what I do and why it makes myself important?

Perhaps, it is to do with my well being. Not having grown up too-fast, but knowing the difference of increased purpose to sense the world around me. Now I can admit, how I admire my qualities, and continue to acknowledge myself based on reasons unknown to many others.

I expect a certain manner of respect. I also, know how to make reference to being my own person. It requires a balance.

Tanya, left for Europe early in the morning. She has trusted me, and I trust her. She is making herself a better person. A lot of what I feel regards the future with us.

The looking glass self

With the environment at my doorstep,
I welcomed it in.
What a guest to provide myself with!
I am much like the environment?
However, the truth is a greater mystery.
This reminds me of;
the weather on days like today.
Unattended:
The weather invited itself indoors.
Such a concept in my company.
I care to protect my environment.
Much - like the love of my intention.
- Intented of love, been thought.

No Room For Privacy

I celebrated my new found freedom today:

I had a successful interview with Safeway. I can look forward to hearing back, to enter the work force in a new environment that suits me.

Tanya leaves tommorrow. When we spent the weekend in Gimili, we were in a gift shop, and the salesperson saw us inquiring about a ring. I felt it was better to have avoided the confrontation, seeing that we acted as tourists. The commission (which the salesperson wanted most) she should have earned for making a sale, would cheapen the experience.

The movie Napolean Dynamite is hilarious.

I know how Tanya and I have our conflicts, our differences between us, but we are good together.

I also know that as I continue to become more and more aware of what my future has in store for me? Acting has a place in my heart. The acting I have done, I have given everything I can.

Today, I had my hair cut. My hairstylist gave me a great compliment. She said I would make a decent father. My greatest compliment in life, is the one I recieved after being told I'd make a great father. It really made my day. However, not that I wish to have children. As they say, be careful what you wish for! How wonderful those words.

Stacey, the hairstylist offered that my attributes are my patience, and easy-going nature. I agree with these characteristics of mine. My virtue.

The Promised Ring

I have lost that sense of gravity,
the presence of a thought.
The honor from which I missed.
A cost of a bridge.

My desirable passions.

This one shot; do not take for granted.

The ruby slippers, Dorothy?
Are those yours!
Give them back:
or be faced with it.
You must be, fascist.
Are you, Dorothy.
Are you a fascist thinker.

As you shake all over. . .
I watch as I listened.

In slow motion.

Its smile.
Its ambition.
Its motivation.
Its success.
Its will.
Its anxiety.
Its growth.

The influence of my weight.
It was made to.
It was my courtesy, I created.
Such a insecurity, of the monster.

The Integrity of valued thought

Since travelling back from the weekend, I have started to realize, a process of self actualized experience.

I realize now. . .

Dr. Gordon: helped me understand how incomplete I am. The world does not revolve around myself, and my image is reflected best without negative thoughts. However, being a victim only prevented me from determining how I must act. The role of "Mr. Nice Guy" is only a mask.

The mobility of imagination

There was a fire in the eye,
that reflected my independence.
My independence has;
the ability to move forward.
From the time I built a tree house,
I drew the blue-print before.
After, I started to build it?
What a view!
I created the tree-house:
with a few different ideas there I gathered.
High on the branches. -
Not far-down below, there is a ravine.
- Perhaps it was too cold,
frigid.
Perhaps, the tree house caught on Fire.
That was when we cut the old tree down.
TIMBER.
CRASH.
For firewood.
The heat heals me.
A fine intense hot stove of flames,
of crashing wood that burns.
Quite an imagination,
that crackled noise of wood burning. . .
ashes rise.
Nothing can be escaped or can hide it.
The kindness of my inhibition,
that of a sad day in hell.
The calmness of my expressions,
that of a calamity.
That I have not voiced my exterme displeasure.
I have dismissed,
the vulnerable use of any disadvantaged a time.
The riddled anger of an obscenity or not as such.
However, this I have done.
I have swayed into my perfect conditioned attitude.
I have perfected an altitude without myself being in risk of danger.
I am of no greater a need to demonstrate my thoughts or wishes.
For this I pray, I not do.
Not to deprive myself of the imagination.
The occupation I founded.

Not mistreated

Its other symbol.
My self-respected, other.
Together, we are all disgraced.

Revealed Out of luck

Yesterday. . . I saw The DaVinci Code the movie. I am fairly confident without reading the book, it was a good adaptation of the original.

Simply put, the film is redundant.

1 - It starts with the main premise:

The movie begins telling us that Leonardo DaVinci is a master coder, once a head of a secret council, that protected the message of Jesus Christ. (e.g. Holy Grail)

2 - "The Holy Grail"

The assumption that Jesus was married. This was the purpose of the Holy Grail. That in order to prove Jesus existed, there is a rose line (i.e. Blood Line) of descendants. Jesus in fictional sense, did not have a wife or a child rearing mother. In the non-fictional reality of birth, the factual evidence if it were to exist would prove that Jesus existed empirically. In other words, it could not be proven false, that beyond a reasonable doubt Jesus had passed on his seed.

3 - Opus Dei

This sect/cult of religious followers of Jesus, act as disciples of the word of god. The church, is a head of which hitherto Opus Dei. However, the divide of believers and followers on behalf of Opus Dei will resort to any means to guard the "secret" of a blood line that proves Jesus divinity.

The scenario becomes rather redundant, and plays out of necessity.

The fact there existed a "son of god" that members of a secret society included a Blood Line, if it were protected.

My reasons for the refuting of the DaVinci Code:

- There is no surprise that there exists the idea that Jesus was Married.
- There is belief that Jesus created a belief system known as Christianity.

All of the time Jesus did exist, he may or may not have a child to bare his name. If that is true or false, makes the purpose of the DaVinci Code a story within a story that claims to prove nothing. If a blood line were to be the cause of people's faith in Jesus, the Church would be irrelevant. These points are the central focus of what we must precede with emphasis of.

I make emphasis of the fact, that the Catholic Church and its head: the pope.

I can tell you, in its entirety the movie is redundant. It makes a fallacy of history, using some questionable logic to understand the film. The film, without giving it away: is a good film to watch. But it comes out with little truth to offer, which is what I was hoping to get from it.

1 - There is no shock value.
2 - Jesus: may have had a wife. This, if it were true is not a surprise.
3 - The main premise of the film questions whether Jesus created offspring.

The DaVinci code is set to instruct of a secret society that believed Jesus left a blood line of descendants. Therefore, it would refute everything Jesus stood for in subjectivity. Faith would be a renewal of ones upbringing without the church being involved. Also, the trust in the role Jesus played would largely refute anything to do with fascism. No rules would be allowed or should be followed with justice in mind.

Mens Rea: without the just cause or beyond a reasonable doubt

Hamlet is the greatest story ever told in my opinion. I aced this in High School.

I wouldn't call Polonius's death manslaughter because Hamlet intentionally stabbed him. More like second-degree murder because it wasn't premeditated.

I really liked where kdawg is coming from in the argument he made. It is a relevant argument. Which is why I make use of the word "perverse" to describe the killing. If one asked why the argument Hamlet has, case of perversion? The answer would be: Hamlet himself is not self-describing his own madness. The audience knows that Claudius has plotted to kill Hamlet using Polonius and Laertes to make Hamlet a pawn in suffering death. Therefore, there is no way one could concieve that in factuality or as evidence.

That is the irony involved, otherwise Hamlet would just be a madman without a cause.

One could also argue, Claudius conspired for his own death. That would be a valid argument as well.

what's his face would go down for first degree murder if he pre-meditated the murder of cladius, fucked up, and killed this other dude. if he didnt plan it he'd get second degree murder, but he could try his best for manslaughter if he was "provoked."

Thusly.

Here you go:

"There is nothing politically correct about Hamlet commiting a murder, it was not his intent, because Hamlet suffered from an idenity crisis: Hamlet is a tragic hero and perverse at the same time."

Devalued

I have been trying hard to reflect about what my next step should be? The problem is a lack of confidence. Though when I realize how my confidence affects me, it makes me wonder. . . why not worry less and stop thinking as often as I do. The reason for this turning of my soul, is because since I graduated from university. The fact it happened, having graduated, almost made me forget something.

I started university with a purpose. To accomplish something I knew I could finish. I have. What thoughts I did experience, were to become a person of my decendence, as the first in my blood line to graduate with a university education. To set a bar that would only serve to my future ancestors. This I must remind myself.

It is as though I forget how important that thought became of me.

Now, I can reflect with some amount of admiration.

Now I can look at the effort, and in effect take advantage of fullfiling a career choice. It is giving me the opportunity to write down some ideas I should act on for myself as an individual. I can focus on leading a healthier lifestyle, and do more fitness training. Exercise is a great objective to relieve stress.

I can feel free to believe in myself, that I am someone important.

It is like talking in a conversation with myself, and telling me to consider how I hope for a better future. That I can decide on who I am, and why I have this feeling of potential. That I can own the kind of persuasion, of being a power that lives inside of me. That to the world on the outside I am only my best. That nothing looks like a type of perversion upon my character. I could not conceal it. I have the vision, to provide myself with memories to come. I will reveal my character.

A kindness of the perfection to serve purpose

I started to do something, that I threw myself into, being in university. I am now experiencing this sort of relapse, post-graduated, sort of feeling that I have lost something? What I thought I set myself out to find, what I searched all over for now seems trivial to me. I ask what is any of it worth. I am in a kind of denial, or a relapse per se from when and where I began this journey all for not.

space

I saw a couple of guys I know. They had refused to listen to what I had to say, about my decision to quit acting. I really hate it. . . when in this particular moment, my ability to help people comprehend is limited. They seemed to want that I continue acting? I simply do not want to be an actor anymore!

Dr. Gordon: he asked me to leave. I will not be seeing him, anymore. The reason for this is because I was not making the necessary changes in my life. (i.e. indpenedence) He accused me of behaving complacent "like a baby", without doing what I need to in order to survive. (e.g.get-a-job, move out, etc.)

I have no idea what I will do now. I continue to take anti-depressants.

Validated bad habits rejected

I say the "independence is based on not mooching off of other people", which is the source of what caused this argument - is probably valid. Also, the best debate we have seen on the board in quite some time.

The noise of change

sadie doesn't have her own identity because she is copying baby boomer's identities. jeez, can't you people read?

yes, it's important to form your own identity and be your own person, but you actually have to go out and be your own person (not depending on your parents forever)

I agree with both of those points: furthering my appeal to negate the popular opinion of baby-boomer gen-x'ers. I did not choose to make an example out of Sadie in that regard. She is free to do whatever she wants to. My obervastions are made strictly on the basis of people that gravitate toward acting like baby-boomers.

I would like to own my own home one day. Do I not have an identity?

That would mean I also agree. Owning my sense of duty, is another matter. Tamar's quote (above) illustrated what I said perfectly.


The nature of it is being realisitic, which I do get. Sadie is totally on a baby boomer boat. That is what I was referencing gen-x'ers, I was comparing how (not by necessity) gen-x'ers "pretend" to be baby-boomers. They want us to fit the profile, those gen-x'ers that care to immitate what baby-boomers can expect. (i.e. purchase home, get job, etc. etc. . .)

The example I gave (e.g. safeway worker) was of a gen-x'er wanting to fit the profile of a baby-boomer lifestyle. If I am an employee that is desperate to meet the status-quo, and all baby-boomber lifestyle demands? That is where gen-x'ers are in a dilemma. That is why Sadie is an excellent example. She may feel liberated enough to fit an image, and she likes to compete. However, what are the odds that it makes her or people around her happy? I beg to differ.

I am completely as intelligent, if not, more than most of you who think I am mentally challenged. The true reality is, you rather watch gen-x'ers who have not "become" what baby-boomer people have. You believe I am digging my own grave. I am arguing it is the opposite. The more you try too hard to make yourself a carbon copy of what people expect, you try to model baby boomers, the more the belief is I make myself a reject.

Sadie is no different. She will keep displaying her indifference toward people like me, who probably rather form an identity. I express my views against those people.
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I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill, bigc. I mean, yeah I agree that there are a lot of gen-X'ers trying to fast-track life. Find a SO, get a steady job, buy a house, buy a car, etc. But that's not abnormal. Different people are ready for those things at different times. The smart ones know when they have the capital to buy a house and not get screwed by mortgages, but mortgages are not wrong per-se. Sometimes you just want to live in a nice place, and renting doesn't cut it.

As for the ones who are fast-tracking life, I laugh at them because their plans always fall apart. The irony is delicious.


You offer what I think is good perspective. Not exactly the idea I have in mind. In my opinion, it is a criticism without offering a contradicition. I would say I am the opposite of what you implied. As for Sadie? I believe that is not her intent either! However, I know EXACTLY what you mean.

The tolerance of complacency

The majority of the time,
I have?
I have!
The trust of being;
in a fantasy.
The fantasy:
of a model from which I,
- I of a fantasy.
Not, my fingers crossed.

proposed to have

You know? I have to understand, why the generation x - try hard to exploit the baby boomer generation on the way out the back door. Today, I am part of a group of the x'ers. Find that job. Buy that house. But, I have not made that a priority. I see many competitive people, the kind you see on Trump's prime-time show.

There was this guy I used to know. Worked at safeway. His boss, whom he informed of acquiring a new job. This guy told me about seeing his former boss, who still worked at the same grocery. He described this encounter as one of power - ( probably because this guy I know is condescending by nature / he was insubordinate. )

Anyhow, he tells me that his boss looked at him, using his words, "he looked jealous about some kid who used to work for him is now making more than he is. . ." I thought about it for a second, it took myself only a second to realize. What the boss really saw was a gen x'er, a person, that the former boss falsely had to believe in. It was a former safeway employee, that the same boss probably perceived the gen x'er as "what on earth do people see in you." Like I already said, the gen-x'er was condescending and a bigot.

I concieve this as us all in the same boat.

Sadie, has a guy who is her bf.

She is doing what we are supposed to. All of us? I suppose.

But really, I feel like I can be fairly objective about what I expect from other gen-x'ers without purporting to material stature. I could swear that is what makes Sadie more depressed then she deserves to be? Only she knows. I know I do.