involuntary sounds of discretion

 January 8th 2010

This was why. The very reason you suggesting a protest against my better judgment. It wasn't that I didn't care or misunderstand, therefore, you had no right. It became clearer, less clearer, then clear to me again - repeating the same thing's I saw over and over and over in my mind so to speak. How it didn't occur to me, as I shut my eyes, is that by virtue of me alone - never mattered. Like I failed to exist, though something had to have happened in order for me to figure things out in a manner of doing.
I never ceased to realize that, until I became provided with the smallest degree of satisfaction I could think of. And there you have it, voila, the reality of barely keeping up. I manage to stay in the rat race, for no longer than my age, it will not suggest - however. However, the critical point of detail came through to me sooner than I anticipated, it came to me by surprise in fact. I was always someone, that was happy, more than happy, to oblige. From here, you never truly saw me standing there did you, did you ever once. So you got up and left, not even a word goodbye, but knowingly - deliberately making it's grand exit, fast, easy, gone. How sad I was, it became a damaging part of my wounded psychic ability. On my part, it told me not to stay away, but I couldn't help it. I guess this makes me as selfish as you. Not so proud of myself doing that.

This monologue appears not to address, what you really have done, which is my time spent wondering about. Why is it - that I didn't come to you before so I could tell you this face to face. You were always too good for me. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, - but - that I became. Not good enough. It's so weird, because I could have sworn that something was wrong, only too young and naive to make prior assumptions at the risk of myself losing it. Although I feel right about what I'm saying, the truth still hasn't changed, I am disappointed in myself for not seeing it earlier. You actually caused so much of my buried depression, not to uncover itself. It is inexcusable of me to say it any other way. (Not that I am high on dramaturge.) I was just there - if not for you - in spite of my choice in being there. It's a psyche of the kind you grew immune to me. Under which those same circumstances remained the same, I acquired a noble gesture, which you mistook for it.

I felt the day's going by without a whisper, faint, yet bold. To realize how big I am for saying, you only wanted to know, how much YOU needed me. It never occurred to you any other way. My needs or anyone else's remain trivial unless otherwise. It always came back to me, when forgetting what I abandoned seemed so implausible, yet right at the same time. I have never said, I need, before. I never thought someone would consider me saying that about me. You needed me more than I needed you, sat with me just fine, until I figured I was never aware.