methods in re-covery

 January 18th 2010

At what point did I give-up or give-in. . . something of myself. I could swear it is the power of intention that, in this personal space, I've managed to perform in an unending sense - more like - confusion, curiosity, learning. What has it made me, if not sad, -sad to think about so much; has completely escaped me.

Though I may sound not to come across as deficient, something inside of me has changed dramatically. It's a kind of void, where I thought how things would be, depending on my will to achieve it. However, it's now classified as devoid of anything. I know if I wished things would be somehow different for me now, nothing really has changed any of that. It almost seems foolish to believe. So, here I am. I never considered the disappointing aspect's. It is harder still to make any real acceptance of my self-interest. It's not so much a pattern, but, I see myself stuck. I find myself questioning if it's all that bad, in reality, not what's in my head.

I truly see so much of the world differently than I used to see things. Maybe it is only impartial of me to say - that it is so. It's not so much a wake up call, as much as it is a reality gone to waste, driven by the need to reconcile with it myself. That time in which I reflect, how ingenious it was of myself, as a person, an individual - to be my own person - seemed electric to me.

What changed after that is a mystery for my own unravelled sense, of that extereme level where you could swear you knew what the rest of the world didn't. Though, in a flash - it's gone. I can whisper it to myself over and over again, where, this time in my life is declaring expiration of an inconsequential permit. That this is where I lead myself to, and all of the images set before me, raise such totally undeliberate questions. Answers, which do not follow it directly. So here I am. The trouble in not knowing anything, is that point in time you realize it. That you aren't meant to know. It's that feeling that interrupts the attributes you once thought, over-sighted, now - people reach that stage on no particular order. That you know nothing. We all come to face it - or deny it exists.

So, I ask myself which one is it, which is my voice - my true voice - here to experiment, or maybe take on the truth instead. . . is it denial or have you crossed that threshold, as you see what other's may not see fit. It is so strange. It is so strange to see so many people that refuse they know nothing about.

I always thought, that my becoming an artist would have been something incredibly worth while, something that would have demonstrated my inertia in a magnificent way, where my true self could emerge. Yet, all I've been faced with is heart-ache's, maybe retreats of the sort you are left with unsatisfactory results, some really good decisions - which were at the time - only small victories that tested you.

This teasing of the sort, where I'm accompanied by a skeptical past, a defeated sense of guilt, my confidence is nothing but a word which glamorizes itself - though not in part to my being. So, to what do I owe this - today - tomorrow - yesterday, I cannot resist. I took it upon myself to deconstruct the temptation of acknowledging, that I was doing something, something that I felt was right to me. That it has - has been weighing heavily.

I try myself, to reconcile these spoiled untruth's, I can only keep chasing.

I know in my heart, I haven't made it - I'm not even close.

That's all I've really ever done myself.