enigmatic thinking

January 26th 2010

 I'm not much into gossip. Some thing's are just better left unsaid. . . in reality. There are other time's I hear, myself, not only confused with my particular personality - I find a very expedient way in dealing with these brief lapses. I've also established myself in life, to remove from the grey areas, (between extreme thought's. . .) as in opposition, to a length of determination which does not rob my sense of self.

It is an extremely hard thing - to do - what so much of myself fails to exhibit. At some point, my competitive self, has to express itself in other way's much in the way of simplicity. If simplicity (myself) get's in the way, then there's a problem I cannot examine any which way I see benefit.

So - it is much too much in my important, to least important, then (back again) to importance of a literal kind of being.

My personal satisfaction, which I get, from time to time - hasn't always given to the pleasure of self-therapy. You know, that therapy you experience when for a brief moment in time, that sense of dread collapses all over you, that you faced it in front of the world to see it. How often does that kind of, in therapy, take you?

Gossip is a form of that.

It's weirdest to the extreme, that gossip, when it appear's - appear's blindly. As if the personality of another seems to take precedent over time itself. (It is definitely in need of a more exotic pretense.)
So-be-it.

When I make it out, gossip-ing, that word permeates into a world on it's own, from it - I usually just ignore it.

But - something recently happened to me (. . .here I find myself contradicting the norm's between gossip), that of a repair service business, completely demeaned my lack of - shall we say unprepared - knowledge of the sort I myself was dealing with. The customer (myself) was dealt a low blow to his psyche, the man standing on the other side of the counter, appeared before me, as just a man (literally). That was until, I made some mistake of - not - knowing who I was dealing with. I still am left, wondering, thinking to myself if it happened exactly as I describe it. Instead, this story can only end, with me leaving the premesis, without not only my question, but the same repair/service clerk questioning me. It was bizarre. I couldn't figure out why this happened.

There was no need to recite this story, up, until it struck me - myself - as odd. What was I expecting, I did not know it at the time, just kick me out and let's be done with it - perhaps that was it. The same way you get sent out from your highschool class for disrupting, only because you really wanted to get kicked out anyway. I am that naive, to that single amount of - worth.

In fact, why that did happen - equates to probably nothing - yet surely it happened just as I described, without any retribution for my effort or lack thereof. Is this what the world has come to, so I Ask myself that question, and I find myself back to square one. How did this guy deal with me SO WELL.

Wow - humiliated, defeated, it all means being had.

Did I get the part I needed, no. Did the guy care about what I needed, no. Did I walk out, without knowing what had happened, no - it never did.

Usually, in times of disquiet, I leave my guard down. . . this is when for lack of better words - my defenses take over. I withstand the amount of information being taken in, wonder aloud, that is I wonder (without making any noise's) and bang - . (The sentence end's gramatically incomplete.)

No sound's, only it's original condition please. That's what the counter-clerk heard me saying to him, so he could tell, that I knew nothing of it. Advantage, repair guy. (Who proceeded to kick me out. . .)

Well - this time it didn't work, but next time - oh there will be a next time. Then, nothing.

It's weird how words travel, most day's, I forget the kind of man I've made myself out to be. Where cynical as the world cast's it's ugly shadow, I'm again reminisent of that old repair clerk, not willing to help myself out, fired me on the spot before I had the chance to hire him for something I needed.

Is that what gossip is?^ Telling the next customer - which I know - won't try taking advantage of a situation. How silly of me.

It all comes back to one thing only, that no matter how I failed, there's something else better to talk about. (Not based on lies.) Based squarely on my individual-ity. That is a place where so many misread, what it was they thought had happened after the fact, - only you were sure of it. Gossip is dead. To me - the one thing that gossip intended - was to put me down, humiliate me, then send me to the gallow's. Gossip never helped anyone overcome any obstacle's, I may have faced them already before.

Charity on the other hand, has had a place in history for quite some time, (yet gossip gave it a failing grade. . .), so much for charity. I know I can do it better.

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So - for those of u not faithfully unaware about what I mean by gossip. It's not what you may think, but, it's when mom tries hard to explain, in short "talk", how her son is out saving the world (. . .I'm just saying.) Or a friend of a freind who hit's a half-pipe about what was said, only to create drama later (as if it wasn't meant) I said it -but didn't mean it. Or that somebody, you know the type, drawing out what the world already knows about. That sort of thing.

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I am curious as to what explanation, Sandra, you would formulate given that you like that comment being made. You should make me aware of your position in the best way you can articulate it. Otherwise, it's just you making an assumption about what I meant. I could be wrong - if I am wrong, why don't you state your position. Otherwise, it's you're simply doing something in vanity.

As you know, I am not a stupid human being, so let's have at her here -I invite you to take a step further. My bet is that you won't.

I assume you would know me better than that - I feel suspicious that you are against what things I express in morality. I know you as a god fearing individual, although I think much indifferently towards people like that - I make myself obvious. (i.e. face value for me, also, means that other people rather cop out in spite of that.)

You know me well enough, to know that, I come from a place in my life that is made of tranquil honesty. Since our youth, I can honestly say - you might see me quite different than you were brought up.

All I can say is, no matter how much you despise myself philosophically speaking, I welcome everything you would have to say against me personally. I am not a dictator/fascist.

I mean - really.

How stupid do you take me for. . . I posted this well in advance to your sudden interest. I know you better than that.

What I absolutely hate about people in my way of life moment to moment - is that my better interest (i.e. intellect) is insulted on a level; that suffers fools that are already fools themselves.

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^If you made yourself available to what any wrote^ you will take it as an honest challenge. Believe you me - any philosopher issues respect in terms of what opinions people have against his better judgment. Most wanna-be types simply mask themselves by censoring whatever comes their way.