Choices

Aside from inferiority and making poor choices... such as my own flake of life drifting like a whril wind around the park.

I've made poor choices.


And making poor choices results in excused behavior.


Behavior that isn't connected with the body internally and feels exploited by the surrounding environment.

I had friends that I can no longer be friends with, for patronizing, the difference of a
condescending nature.

And I still live at home, with my parents, without an automobile. And my independence rests on laurels of gods will.

These are the choices I've made. This is the reason I'm depressed, being a part of who I am. And making the same decisions, that become a part of the fabric god lives in me shameless.

Be strong, Marco.

You have the tears of heaven that made earth in a natural way. I limit it.

Fire stone

So I'm a poor writer.

A choice no one else can see I've made. In fact, my writing is so bad, I prefer it to be called a habit I cannot control... to write bad poetry.

I feel deserted, no more then anyone else in the history of mankind.

So why not just bake these words in the oven and let them roast.

Let the ones that think they see me, juvinile, childlike, and make roasted peanuts. Tossing marshmellows into an otherwise flaming cauldron.

The mystery about myself is being alone.

And I hate it.


Yesterday night, I was at the fringe. I petted a horse, and I swore that the horse turned to connect with me. His large neck, reaching around to acknowledge the horse whisperer next to him.


Then I went to the Empire.


At the bar, I saw my friends. I shared a good time.


And, I'm positively past my age. Ahead of my time.

Evasions of a spotless mind...

I met a great artist last night. Myself. I interacted with another truly generous person that wanted my friendship in return. Instead, I couldn't withstand the beauty that triggered me. I wanted Kathryn. I couldn't live a lie.








As intense as my emotions get. I feel proud about meeting someone that I care about. I'm in no fear. If we can be friends but not lovers... I rather kill 2 birds wih one stone, not just one or the other. That'd be like accepting death instead of fate/destiny.







The picture of me above, illustrates well who I am in that image.







If I don't do this journalling, my sense is to accomplish, a feeling of personal satsfation to protect my feelings. THIS IS MY BLOG. And I love myself, for being the kind of person I am.

In fact I feel shame, remorse, and profound disappointment.

I have failed.

I have shown god the type of failure I am.

Last night I had showed, a mirror of truth, that holds up to the ceiling of gods kingdom. He reflected everything about me. My honesty. My manhood. My attraction to a woman and my gentle side.

Now, the night passed without a goodnight kiss.

I feel crushed.

I'm beneath the rock I hide under. Ashamed. Not fulifilled.

And god, I question asks me to stay, here in my parents basement. To relax, chill my soul. I couldn't make her love me. I didn't want to listen.

Kathryn Roy

I met a girl. Like it was as if we already knew each other. Though, she refused to have sex with me. She's someone else's property. I'm tasting a bitter-sweet medicine, that's bringing me to life. I know I'm altering the beast/shadow within. "This is the Marco I know, Marco's back." Shouted Andrew to me.

Kathryn is the likes of a mythological elve. Her character is very vuluptuous. I wanted to be her romeo for the evening. I thought she'd play my Juliette.

Instead, Kitty had a boyfriend she insists claimed her heart. To respect the trust between them. "Do you trust you're sister with her boyfriend?" Kat asked me, as we both sat on the edge of the bed.

I do.

Well, then do the same for me.

Kat.

She had cornered me. I swear to god. I believed she wanted me deep inside, that all she did deny. Kat was denying me.

It hurt me to no end.

I drove her home.

She wiped my tears away.

I pray she'd stop seeing her boyfriend for the chance. I could only see a future with this person for me. I don't know what mystery god has given, but I swore that if Kat recieved my true heart, she'd never regret it.

She wants friends she tells me.

And Kat, refused that from me as well.

Life sucks without Kat right now, I thought she'd be telling me how she wants to be with me. Not giving her heart to some other guy, when he's not even present in the room. Why? The answer is like some fantasy riddled mythology I cannot begin to fathom.

Blue balls.

Kat is quite an artist. I saw this girl's artwork. Very fascinating portfolio. Her collection inspires me about the imagination she carries. But there's something not "right" about where her soul might appear in the images. Kat draws anime.

All I could see is the body of the arists vision, in the images she created, and there's a truth she rather conceal? What is there in a picture, without the meaning to implicate the subjects personal feelings... I think Kat has drawn a mastery of characters.

The picture above is of Evangel. Kat Image Copyright © Kathryn Roy EVANGEL. A spectacular image. I seek the wisdom that might be Evangels.

Oh lord, I pray to thee. The years that I've dug from underneath my feet. Why lord, do I feel weak in your mercy. That I pray for the strength to overcome. I did not fail you or temptation. I resist the powerful, hateful, deed of sin. And in each moment I have with the person you summon before me, I tried my fullest to touch her heart. And she missed touching mine. Lord this painful wonder, please help be with me in my time of great heart ache and sorrow. I feel that I failed you lord. I want to protect this creature, and all I see were her eyes. Let me not be wrought with remorse, but honored in your presence. No amount of words can match the beauty I resolve in any women. I feel blessed with you near me, lord. And I know you are with me. I trusted everything would happen if it neded to... but it didn't because you saw who I needed wouldn't recieve my gift through you. Although, I offered myself to protect this creature. What I learned is manifested though you lord. I pray for your eternal sun. Warm up in me lord as I would do.

Home Alone

I'm heading out to see a fringe play. Today I saw Dr. Gordon. I've been feeling depressed all week. Nothing seems to help. I danced for the first time in years this week.

Today, has been hot/mucky weather. I need to find solice.

I'm so completely lost...

I don't know what life is about right now. I need something else to happen. It's one moment to the next. All I can do is relax and keep myself calm without thinking drastically. My mood is very somber.

Where will I go?

The Dragon Fly

Trial or error.
Gestalt.
The prostitute.

Borders

There's nothing like sweet revenge, hostility.
Her name?
I don't know.
If I had a front yard, and my property were to detail things about me.
Perhaps, it'd feel worse then it really is?
What could be better?
In this moment, that nothing can see.
I find myself.

Post Card

It's been quite a summer. I don't know where I've been. I'll be heading somewhere else next?
I don't know where yet.

Pessimism is Evil

What permission do you seek?
Did you expect me to do something about that moment we had.
I'm guessing maybe.
As if it were true.

I'd whisper sweet thoughts about you.

I'd have kissed your fingers until the body grew numb.

I'd sit beneath you. And? It was all for nothing.

Only weakness, mine was exposed, for you Janessa. It was for you. I was denied.

Overemphasis of virtue

What's worse then lying is not to tell the truth. A good habit.

I've seen myself.

Now, I can recall how I used to be. A flawed human being with many flaws. Flaws.
I was flawed, due to my own behavior. After a tragic car accident, my sense of self interest, priorities and self respect were ill found. Today, I can look backward and determine the difference it makes in my life now. It's become a part of who I am and something I can own. Instead, I can look forward with a renewed sense of self. I can incumbent the good with my uniqueness and the bad with interest to invest.

I've reinvented myself... to the point. That everything in my life as I still am, can only make things better. I don't wish to blame myself for everything, and owning the consequences invloved makes a huge factor. This is the truth about me. That I used to act in a way, only hiding beneath the surface of my guilt and shame it brought me. I couldn't own the guilt, and I found other ways to compensate.

Fact: those years of my life attune myself as though I was criminal. I didn't like myself. Even though I knew that I had put on a mask. The anxiety. The insecurity. The vulnerability.

-

Borderline Fantasy Quest

All I would think about is Jan.
I'm a perfectionist.
But I'm not inept.
To tell her she's worth more then life itself.

Freaks of Nature

Why not be a man and take some orders... not just give them?
Be a man.
Dr.
I ask you here.
Are you accepting resumes?
Is this a dating service?
Where are we?
Meat.
Common sense.
Service.
What was I being told?
Can you afford this?
Much fun.
Age.
Name.
Wisdom creates.

Last week we had this conversation,
"A lot of people care about you."
And I just smiled. You're so candid when it comes to avoiding me.
That's my thought, Andrew.
You have a foul mouth for select words.
You gave me no permission I need. However, in that moment I granted you myself.
I gained in search of an answer.
You came and told me it.
I thank you.

I still forget about my car accident.
That my act is just an evasion from the guilt.

Nobody can steal* that away from me, Andrew.

I've survived.
And in the cast I've since removed.
Nothing has been healed properly?
But then again...
I really thought.

How much?

How much more able am I...
that I will miss.

Those giant black pools of oil, sparkled.

Maybe even bubbled.

Can I not return?

Perhaps in the future, I survive.

Yes, that's the answer!

But now...
NOW.

My gifted self, my talent, my own.

The gift has been bought, wrapped in a box, cut into ice cream, and sealed.

The ice cream is delicious is it not.

No question.

Let me have a sample, and I'll taste you give.

Yes, the taste.

And again I marvel without will, or courage, brave enough to alter.

It was last night I realized... the last time I cried myself to sleep. When I was depressed this week end, now I can recall the effect it has. Yesterday, I discovered a cousin of mine named her newborn after me. Marco. The child is her second.

Tomorrow, I have another way to simplify things that carry over.

Today, I've fired a parking patrol official in case he'll give out tickets to unsuspecting victims. The sure way to help... Rxaxbxexcxcxa had threatened me in a verbal manner last night!!

As far as I'm concerned, judging by my own reaction, I let Rebecca know we wouldn't be seeing anymore of each other. She called me last night. After attending the fringe festival, she refused to leave my vehicle. I asked her to leave. She wouldn't.

Before I told Rebecca, that we won't see each other, she told me that she'd tell people about my sexual abuse, "Just fucking get over it, you jerk. I'm going to tell everybody. Exactly. It's going to be a great laugh. Funny. Too bad." Just after I removed her purse and asked her to get out of my car, she stepped out, and repeated, "Yeah, well tomorrow good luck with the cops coming for you, because I'll give myself a black eye. Yeah, good luck with that."

I drove off.

I was parked outside in front of her house. I didn't want to have sex, and she took offense to that. In any case, I couldn't take my feelings for granted. I knew Rebecca isn't what I wanted. Therefore, sex was out of the question last night.

I had a lot of thinking to do. Especially meeting Janessa. Having met Janessa, changed the way I feel about myself.

Seeing Dr. Gordon, helped for me to gain understanding. The power of positive thinking, brought me a renewed belief. I've had food for thought.

Saying no to both Janessa and Rebecca, was a gift to me. I gave myself.

On some occassions.
Only on some occassions...
on some occassions...
I have been found.
Dropping the mask, a violent wind tunnel, storms inward.

An Empire of doorways, left opened, closing in on the present-time.

A chamber of secret.

I crawl into the pit of my desire.

Will not recieve me?

Although my poetry is limited to, many different turns of phrase, and metaphor of ideas. There's truth behind it's meaning.

I'm a marshall of prowess.

My dad celebrates his bd in a couple of days.

This week I've been weighing heavily on my mind. A girl I met over the week-end for the first time. And her nature... her body, her spirit still ignites me like a lit fuse. I don't know why? I find myself in a situation, that I refused sex she offered.

The reason behind Janessa, I saw bruises on her body that told me she had been attacked by someone.

Janessa told me her bf had hit her in a struggle.

All I could do was feel the pain she was hiding. Not that Janessa was hiding herself from me, but I could see that she was a well rounded individual.

She phoned her father. Just to let him know, that she had a ride home.

Janessa is 21. She had an extrodinary personality. I had butterflies in my stomach when we were together that night. A feeling she gave me unlike the kind I've been used to experiencing about anyone else, Janessa had an affect on me internally.

I'll regret saying that I wish we had sex, even though I refused, but the way I refused... under the circumstances was.

I wanted to hold her. That's all I wanted. Though strange enough, ...I didn't know how to come across asking that from her. When Janessa propositioned me for sex, "What do you want." Janessa asked me, and I told her I wanted to be with her. That I liked her. That she gave me butterflies in my stomach.

Fuck.

I loved looking into her eyes. I loved it when I held her face, and touched her skin gently as my lips pressed upon hers softly. I loved her in every way in each moment that passed. Intense as it was.

My feelings.

My feelings weren't repressed in any manner.

Did I supress any information? That could have helped her better?

I don't know if I should have obliged to the sex. But whatever happened was so much more then that for me.

I needed her. She needed me. Did I fail? That is the question.

I think I did, do something about failure. I didn't disregarded my own personal satisfaction, if I hadn't refused the sex... then we'd have acted a lie. The base of the sexual act is so much more powerful that way. I knew it in my heart, in my bones, I could feel the connection between us further. Maybe not Janessa. But as for me, I knew this girl deserved so much more, and I Was praying it'd be. In fact.

It's something else, to wonder about gods order in his command, and that he meant for me to meet Jan.

If only I knew better. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted the opportunity. "Why do you have to think so deeply about things, sex is sex, love making is with someone you're with for a long period of time... you were raped as a child... how old were you... I don't want to talk about my ex."

But Janessa, ...it was so much more then that for me, my feelings are involved. I just didn't want to be a rebound for you. I couldn't live with myself looking in the mirror that way.

I felt I disappointed her more then it's probably worth.

Front & Center

Je ne c'est quoi.

But what am I afraid of?

Common sense...

McDonalds.
Subway.

Cobwebs.

Lying.

Learning not to fear the truth.

Car accident. SMASH.

Not patronizing enough?



Put on my spending shoes, Elvis.

AM

Chicken.
That's not a smell.
I'm not that needy.
I have feelings to protect me.
I have power.
I don't make funny noises.
What am I?

Who are you?

Answer: loss of appetite.

Someone blow Paris up, now.

Have you censored me?

Thanks for showing it.

The value of a dollar

In order I evaluate truth...
and the bad.

To keep at a distance.

And establish myself.

Patronized.
Condescending.

Diary of a player

You're so much fun she said.
Let's not get carried away.
Punishment that fits the crime.
Premature projection.
Punitive damage.

A short narration (dogma)

And in my opinion...
if I 'suck' in bed.
You stink at it also.

Captivity Frozen (Freezing point 'client-confirmation' vacancy)

PHILOSOPHY > Therapy / feelings / ominpotent / rationale

*_conformity_*

arrogance < ignorance

yourself =" thoughtfulness"


GRIEVANCES > GRIEF / GREED / PRIDE


insecurity > insensitivity

feeling > dogma

pain - hurt - hunger

rational discourse : thinking

trusting yourself

A Self deprecating Humor

I have a perfect appreciation!!


I anticipate 'the best'.




I own. I owe. It's off to work I go...




There's no such thing as a good salesman, but a two-faced mongrel.
A radically altered beast!
Radical in the fact, my personality, shifts along the lines of poetry.
Radically, I absent mindedly sprung from a box yelling "SURPRISE" out loud.
So loudly in fact, the neighbors heard everything going on in this perfect narration.
Troubled paradise, the traveling salesman's journey homeward bound.



And thereafter I joined the circus.
And a parade.
In the parade I radically transformed a miracle, oh lord.
God made me think, what I believe is true.
My fascination is a cure for the devil.
A seed.
I planted...
the seed grew.



Radically, some divine coincidence.
Radical, flirting with death.
A facetious romance.
Something pretentious.
More or less refined.
My erratic behavior.
Her condescending nature??
I emphatically DENY!!!



May I suggest seriously, my intent.




I believe in the family.




I dare you to try me.

Reconnecting with the WORST.

Treasonous wager, a non-threatening manner obsolete yet oblivious naturally.

And a new chapter begins.
-

Hasn't

Where's my thoughtful self gone to, oh lord.
This in observation.
The motive?
My objectivity!?

Is the worst now over... in an unrealted "public relations" movement.



That I've buried deep into my subconscious a never ending supply of unconscious well being.
That spring time, of sunlight, into the methods... part water/conscious baptized.
That ejection of my own feelings, I cannot, I'd will the opportunity. If I cannot??
A harness of energy, that lifts my spirit higher, with each passing prayer.
I've soared, and stored the inner-peace I experience with the light.
In the darkness I have travelled.
And in the darkness I've been blessed with light instead.



Intimidation.
Fear.
I'm scared.









Manipulation/deceit.










How safe am I...











if I'm only willing to displace the fear of god. I've surrendered to defeat.

Mystery of Life

God, you're a vagabond of hope.
What have I done to gain you're trust?
Please, know I'm guilty of sinning, the waking eyes of a devil.
That I've broken away from Plato's chains...
and self proclaiming my own genius.
Right or wrong...
I threaten nothing.
And within this, marathon, I keep running.

Less Than Perfect

Better then less, oh lord.

Does god think about me as his pet owner?
And his unconventional power of wisdom...

But likely the name.

Oh, lord.

And in my view of you lord, I remain in your image.





If god were a pet owner.





I stepped away from his wrath.






Is god a conservative?
Or a liberal.

Do you confess the truth...
...or do you avoid telling a lie?
Don't you feel non-confrontational?
If for some reason, you cried yourself to sleep, the lord.

Mr.

And in this invisible outer shell...
I see a man in search of himself.
Not a man that likes to play the bad guy.
But more...
who sees the should in everything.

The Northern Lights

The lights of god, I spoke to.
They released my energy.
My shame.
My fear-0f-guilt.
My inadaquacies.
Her tender and gentle flesh.

Are you a suitable tennant to own this space?
Am I not getting the information I need?


No help for Edgar.
With cherries on top.


On second thought.


Do I smell a skunk?
Are you a sell out?
I'm embarassed.

Which way do I go...

There's a girl I really want to get to know. I've let her know about my sexual abuse. However, I also met my ex recently. While I was with my ex, she didn't know about my abuse.
My problem is, if the girl I just met, what might happen if I start seeing my ex again?

Here comes trouble,


what was I thinking?




Now that I took the dentist on.





That marvel of my teeth.





That sound of the assasin.

I'm not interested in the question.
A birthday.
My age does have a number.
It's only that... just a number.
I like to "play house" for pretending.
I like to "play doctor" for reasoning.

Fight or Flight

And today has been another victory for the gorilla.
But nothing has yet escaped.
Now in the distance I've kept from waiting for things to happen might what ensue emerge?
For the love of a girl named Danis, she is such a sorry tale.
In the future, I begin to realize the extremity of a larger, ...much larger picture.
No one else can see me.
This time, my responsibility counts for something neutral/natural/arbitrary.
I trust what I've dared to create.

I go to sleep...
I dream of a place called the Mondragon?
Tomorrow is Wednesday.

That's all I know.

Standing up to Distress

I don't admit ever having "failed".
I do however...
know I've miscounted.
There's been failures occuring as I write each word.
Everything you read placed out of context,
and a shadow variation of myself is to blame.
You misinterpret me...
but how do I lie to you?
That I've had so many failures, I've miscounted them all!
For I feel ashamed.
I'm less shameful.
The contract of a genius I can accept.

A Mysterious Apprehension

A tidal wave of...
untrue thoughts.

I thirst for the sweet waters of heaven.

Many standards I put above.

And the minister of defense, a "statesman".

No traditionalist.

Not an idealist.

Talent (A short story)

I have been given many typical response(s) in my day. But none quite like the story of a backup goal keeper. He said to me, reflect in your image.

Contemporary Appearance

There's a lot of what isn't really there.

My reflex is from a FORMER UNINHIBITED SELF and I "see"

...hit a wall.


I had a dream last night. The girl was a "former" element-of-her-former self. The truth is she wasn't as near to me as herself in person as when we were involved in our past relationship. She appeared to me in front a Walmart Customer Service Counter. This is all in the present.

My end of it "should" agree with many thinking ways.

Now, I'm farmiliar with the hurt/pain/remorse.

The guilt associated without= regretting the changes I've owned.

I believe in the church not the state. The state is an owner of the church. Therefore, I don't believe in the church. The church is a lie, cut out of... deception. Riddled with "forgiveness" as the masses flock to make half hearted commitments. The church needed a profit motive, and in order to compete, in the effort to remain competetive with the state and an ever increasing surplus of people's evolving ideas. The church needed a new motto, a catchy slogan or phrase, an advertisment that a lot of word of MOUTH would reap. The sewn on patches of phrases, come from a Bible, and faith is restored. However, the masses became confused... all the actions made into one SUPREME ruler. "Jesus saved you from your sins. If you ask god for forgiveness. Therefore, only god forgives." And this is in fact an analogy, though the church failed to realize how?

I believe in the communist/liberal.

This makes me a man of ideas.

Quebec, needs Canada.

I have a passion for "hunger"

Sweetest rose, the victory I smell.
You're scented.
And above the grey owl, sitting still upon my window-ledge...
you give myself the courage to honor.
Though in sequence of this journey...
I crave her.
A hunger for "passion"
and a desire of will.
When I used to stop for donut shops to the beach.
Fernando Pessoa and his poetry.
Maybe in the age I was 8.
That time I remember fondly...
that passion for hunger.
Everyone knew each other...
I lay camels at rest.

I've been restoring much of my confidence lately. I'd like to go and see bat man the movie. Of course, hopefully when I see Tonja again. But nevertheless, I'd like to maintain contact. I called Rebecca today, after 9. Twice. In fact I left a message. Good times. Good times are happening in deed.

I'm less motivated through "fear" of doing anything.

Bam.

I'm reaching the extremety.

Bam.

I'm not married.

Bam.

I characterize my love as unbound.

Bam.

I need a woman to occupy my time.

There's responsibility and kindness. Beauty and reasonability. Therefore, above all else... there's a chance I can hope.

The weekend is closing past. Now I look ahead.

This week I meet with my acting class, and an acting workshop. I meet Dr. Gordon on Saturday. I'll have to cancel the ADHD group for this coming Friday due to the acting classes.

Maybe I'l talk to Becca, or as I like to call her... "Belissima or Bambina". But that's just premature of me. I like it.

-b- ...

Certainly there is plenty in exteremity.
For whatever the reason, are you willing to describe to me?
I have this notion of a secret.
The kind that thunder lit.

You showed me something.

What I saw.

What I saw... was a trail.
The trail became a river.
The river became a mountain.
The mountain.
I climbed.

Then this other part of me, emerged.

A place of shadows.

I do not "judge".


I don't judge the kind of forest there is.
I don't believe in lies that are worshipped.
I don't believe in judging me for what else may happen or not.
Because in time there are a mountain filled with endless streams.
Streams that lead into rivers and happiness.

I'm drunk on wisdom at this age of reason. 2005 a.d.

The watch I wore yesterday on my wrist, forgetting the hours and minutes and seconds counted.


Though in place of my wisdom lives, god.
Though he shelters me...
I give him thanks and praise.
This mercy on my soul.
And I still pray.

Meanwhile the embers on my fire stones kept burning into the ground.
The gentleness of her face, keeping my fingers warm... as I have the pleasure of holding her.
This "thanks" I give to her. Her name is Rebecca.
I don't know if she knows my surname or I hers.
It doesn't matter.

Though I'm grateful for the opportunity to chat and talk about emotions.
Though O' Lord the happily married soldiers that protect our honor as men and women.
Though you needn't wonder about such heavy rain...
the clouds have formed my judgments and inform me well.
Throughout this everything in my process continues because of you O' Lord.

Amen.

Ready to Aim Lessons

Her eyes were like pearls of the sea.

Our fate together, and still apart.

I only breathed.

Not Off Hallucinating

I'm not sure what's worse then having a poor self regard. The reason being a poorly under-developed sense of intuition/achievements.

Last night was particularly.

I feel neglected.

I feel wronged.

I feel the world is "unethical" at times.

All I can do is act.

I don't react. I share.

If I didn't think I was guilty of sharing, I know the truth, as extreme as this may come across... I shared my soul.

And last night my head ruptured aloud that nobody around could see? No one suffered the fear I had experienced but me?? The fact I take on a purpose, and forget about taking care of myself, others I find manipulate.

But I will challenge the way I do this, judging from the sound, of nothing.

Onalee has no idea what I went through tonight... my scene went horrible. I have a very damaged ego because of it. My intent wasn't to decide why I should quit acting altogether after tonight, I thought I would "break the bank." Instead, I lost all my money... do not pass go do not collect $200. Like in the Monopoly boardgame, I've gone directly to jail. Onalee suggestion to us is that if we leave our ego's at the door, and enter into a safe environment where we can feel vulnerable. I feel like I'm a step beyond that. However, Onalee didn't observe me the way I'd have hoped, she reacted to me without a definitive response. My actions are made to create a better version of myself as an actor and a person. The fact I've grown with both of these aspects in mind, makes me worry more.

I Wonder if Onalee is worth my time, and I doubt her class offers anything to me. I know how to take responsibility for myself and how I've healed.

Perhaps, through Onalee's acting class... my failure has been a success for me hidden underneath. Beneath the surface, I'm nursing a bruised ego. I just feel completely violated before the experience came, because of why this "hurts" my ego.