November 1, 2023

If I could wish myself to existence of a different nature.... would I. The answer is not an easy one. I am not unsure of myself as an individual. I think we all struggle with knowing who we truly are. That comes without living in the present. Is this a normal or trivial pursuit. Perhaps neither.

What I am getting at with this is an awareness of who I am.

I think of myself as a fairly laid back person. However, I am guilty of trying to block my own sense of self. Not so. It's the limits of my own world view.

I by trade, in a neurotic element of what may be perceived of me, I feel judged accordingly. What this entails of how I feel about myself, being honest with this, is that I am an intense individual.

Although I regulate my sense of self it borders onto a rational boiling point between extremes. What this means is how intense I am toward one end may be grieved upon on the other end. It's a mixture which confuses even myself. What I mean is, if I could help explain myself here... is my intense nature creates a type presence which illustrates a certain vibration. I'm not saying that because I feel abnormal. I say it because what my wish is as I mentioned earlier... would be to have that intensity matched. That's it. It's not quite an objective to maintain or it not be maintained. It's quite simply a wish. Not many people I know have ever matched this kind of intensity I speak of.

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If I confess. I confess that in my learning to become an actor. That this journey is what I've come to understand about myself as a person.

That the guts it takes to make it in acting with skill in acting is that I insist on examining my true nature without setting conventional rules for engagement. Otherwise acting would be a lie. I have come into contact with myself without censoring who I truly am.