Superstitions of a superhero

Superhuman superstitions
When I get to have everything I ever wanted,
Will my old habits have died.
I cannot allow myself to act on superstitions.
That is the habit I learned to contract most.
Because most people carry them,
to only switch roles,
So the imaginary capes may be worn.
Such garments and robes to convey
Strength status and power.
False alter egos cannot truly break your heart.
My ears burn.
My throat pulsates.
Tears to put out fires of the heart.
And happiness on a whole other level.
In my nature lives a vortex of emotions.
They stream in through thoughts of veneer.
And what is the nature of thought then.
Then it is nature.
Nature that dictates your reality as mine.
Those are superstitions.
They remain the same true or false.
Because where thoughts are born,
Fascinates me.
Thinking out loud the greatest lie ever told.

Sitting at Stella's

I am seated at Stella's
Contemplating my life's journey.
I find my peace and sanctuary here.
This cafe's aroma.
Dare I feel special about such things,
In a deepened sense of space and time.
My power is to have myself both be recognized
And not be recognized.
Bravely bribing my own alter ego.
This beautiful beautiful night.

Acting is Being

Manipulating the beliefs of the character fiction resulting in choices and authenticity.
Truthful
Unreserved
Believe what you are saying.
Feeling what the character is.
Freeing

Albert Camus

https://perdidasmusas.blogspot.com/2017/03/existentialism-myth-of-sisyphus-albert.html?m=1

Friendship as a Confession

I must say...
Disrespect is the ultimate illusion.
I find myself in a definitive demographic.
Where my senses meet virtual reality.
A place where in my most sacred sense,
I have a theory about almost everything.
A sad place in my heart that hurts, but
Does not want to hurt back.
After death comes my funeral,
I wonder - I wonder.
How - how will I be remembered.
It becomes a question.
Of what am I made.
Whereas, in this sad place in my heart.
At what point did friends become strangers.
In this predicament...
Who are (or in this case were)
My real friends.
The kids who years passed...
Do not pretend to forget you,
But fail to ignore you.
Instead, those you once thought
Had your back.
Now treat you like a complete stranger.
Rather than find peace in your company.
Now that we've become adults.
That fake filter consumes you.
Not like that before.
My insides turn.
Before you turned me off.
What a poor poor defense mechanism.
Now we're no more.

Rights of Passage

There is something missing in me today.
I've had strange dreams lately,
The kind where I disappear.
Then I reenter from one place to the next.
It seems I am lost.
More so a feeling of being lost.
Lost never to be found somewhere in a distant past,
Just wanting to hold on but it feels impossible to.
As warped and morbid as this sounds...
I find peace here.
And that is all I can be.
Is a warrior of peaceful thoughts
And the victory of mind.

Precision and its Density

Precision and its Density

I'm not a gambler, but for myself if I must say so not being a gambler would imply I refuse to bet against the odds.
The truth is I bet against myself more often than I gamble.
But gambling is nothing.
Nothing more than an investment gone terribly bad.
So gaming to me is a very fragile thing.
I am not much of a player.
I've had too much to overcome.
Maybe it's a cause of having been unconsciously programmed into being.
So now that I presumably know that about myself,
an answer is less trivial.
However,
upon this metaphysical journey of mine,
maybe I am just a sinner at heart.
Corrupting my soul....
Is an unhealthy exercise.
Though putting my soul on fire.
That is a question worth the gamble.
The game has its odds.
And I always bet against myself.
Because everything has a reward.
The devil has ways of orchestrating it.
Although my many demons I have met,
never truly owned me.
They are physical enough entities that I feel
the betrayal from winning and losing.
And I have never been either of these things.
I prefer the animal kingdom.
Where in my trial and error,
my feet are a blaze.
And the game changes almost metaphorically,
metaphysically lying to myself.
Conscious of betting against myself, constant.
Wondering where I went wrong.
In this messy messed up life.
The attempt to defend myself - as it hardens,
is not an assassin looking at himself in the mirror temporarily speaking.
This soul I set on fire.
I want to know what that feels like.
I want to.
To set my soul on fire.
Watching me gamble from afar.
Though no greater distance between a devils romance.
Like fire in my soul.

Parmenides

Parmenides

The art of privilege

Aristotle causation & being

aristotle-causation-and-being

Absurdity & Deviation

This is a very powerful and endearing prophecy for an actor. I have figured this out for myself and the mystery in becoming the kind of actor I want to be in search of truth. The truth is in the action. My brain assembles information in a way that painters paint a picture. And I refuse to judge myself on this. I disarm those who are critics vs the minds eye.  Such feelings I get are enamoured in my pursuit of modelling my coat of armour. That is for what people want to see on screen. What people want to see is what you do as an actor makes the audience feel like they are right there with you.

I am intent on reserving myself as a way of reflection in the work I do, which means I will not fake acting under any circumstance.

Last night Onalee put us through a meat grinder type of audition where we had one chance to make it count.  I took it as a learning moment. You don't have the immunity to do your scene until you get to point you've nailed it. That is the hardest part. Trying to uncover the layers between you and the character in a meaningful yet authentic manner.

As I was doing my pretend audition I felt myself wanting to take risks in the product of my character. Once I felt something my brain couldn't process, I fogot the line and I drew blank. In my mind I wanted to do something relative to the moment and I wasn't able to produce the movement behind my intent. This is a positive thing.

I am better aware of what making choices are. The result of the audition never materialized. I can find peace in myself and my acting. 

When I was asked how I felt about my audition I said it went great. On second thought I had more to be grateful for. It didn't work for the audience but in my mind it worked. You need to be desensitized from reality in order to respond to an inner life.
In finding yourself needs no particular thought process or belief system, so in acting it is more important you face the fear of acting in your personal life.  My fear to act dictates my whereabouts. Last night I knew all my lines but none of it matters in the end. In the end what matters is how hard you fail in life. Real life dictates your fears. Ultimately I failed last night. And that is the magic of freedom to act. To eliminate the fear and connect the dots.

In memory of future time

My life's purpose

Philosophy in the future of philosophy (probability)

Anything but a true genius will have their ideas lived because other individuals will copy it and present it as their own. This is the most common form of plagiarism.

The most basic way to defeat it is to think in terms of constant values being placed as though you plant fallacies of logic to be disproved. Once that happens and it stands the test of time that the idea cannot be disproved, you have in turn created history.

Mission statement

I have enemies because I've created a reality normal people don't associate with, or are out of touch with my  spirit child or are disconnected to me as an individual. That is my talent. I have issues but not out of the ordinary under the same conditions, so if you are a friend you'll know it.

Who I like is not up to me. It is through the use of my discretion I leave up for the person to decide under fair pretense. It is both intuitive and intentional. I know I am a good person with conviction. Aside from people's pragmatism which is out of anyone's control....

If you are some douche bag white trash idiot out to victimize others I will take exception. So innately you will feel me. Not test me.

Aristotelian ethics

aristotle-ethics

What causes fear based reality

the Canadian Dream

My life's purpose

Acting Class

Another acting class and a place I feel safe with my insecurities as an actor but the frustration follows me. That is what I need to focus on here. That my scene work isn't as good as it should be uncomparitively speaking. What my frustration allows is a window to my insecurity as an actor but not my immunity to the ability to act. I have ability. I just feel I am not truly fulfilling my potential.

So Onalee brings out the best in me. Last night was me at my best. But as onalee instructed us last night what will manifest as success also brings about failure in order to fully gravitate and celebrate what your mission is. (Read on as my intention relates back to this point later on.)

I feel grounded but my personal level of acting has to be self described as I am doing here. My reason for this is simple, my desire for acting is a very important concept to me. It requires a great amount of strength. If not found I feel lost in time and space only because my acting has no magnetic feel to it. Feeling magnetic is the goal my acting.

Last night the scene I did was uninspiring. I wasn't able to channel into something organic in my experience. When I feel blocked in a scene my mind draws blank. Therefore, inability appears to self defeat my character in the scene. The truth about the character never lived and that to me is disappointing.

However, my internalization in all of this enables something I mentioned earlier, that with success comes failure. Knowing how I enable these ideas are psychologically healthy to examine. Rather than shut down and self destruct, I intellectualize the polarity. It is a kind of a metaphysical approach to step back and allow the universe to adjust as you shift.

Onalee has taken a radically new approach to acting, she is not enabling our bad habits nor criticizing what those habits may be. She is allowing the work to dictate how vulnerable we are and in order to fully embrace the closest thing to acting we can become.

My conclusions:

Nobody can tell me how good an actor I am or not. I know that I can act. I can even be the best at it. I need to remember this, always.

As far as this personal reaching out is concerned I feel I have been locked in a prison and put into a corner. This is my power. I use myself as an example of introspection that has a talent to articulate something universally. So I share this part of who I am because it is relevant.

Finally, I come here to use myself as an example of what the students Onalee has should do. Come here to be thoughtful and interact with a mind for caring. It takes a certain amount of courage to talk about things concretely and with substance. I feel I offer that as an emotional support type of system. If you value beliefs you have the duty to empower others. I say beliefs are ideas. Ideas are concepts. And this consists of the spiritual realm.

In am not here to rationalize my existence, I am here to inspire.