A retrospective analysis tells me that my means are justifiable… this means that my Christian values are solid. The decisions I make today and my strength as a Christian tomorrow and yesterday, have the exact feeling, I’ve become a good human being. This I know.
When I view myself as a Christian man, I don't take advantage of other people or only to use them at their expense.
A couple of questions:
Did Jesus Christ exist?
Does the will of a majority account for people's experience that refuse the right to life?
I'm proposing that both of these questions are a false dichotomy of the real issues, because the answers are true/false.
a) Jesus Christ did exist, but the evidence that he definitely existed are in doubt.
b) Terri Schiavo died recently due to her illness, doesn't mean that she refused her right to life. A refusal of an individual's right to life, "I don't believe a person who has an illness or goes into a coma should have the same rights as every person." Therefore, how do we know that a person whom thinks they rather not live if they were in coma not deny their right to life with absolute certainty?
The will of a majority is an entity unto itself.
Otherwise any person that rejects the idea of reality in a world of chaos "the majority", must also admit that an individual who is comatose, "Doesn't have the right to life."
Jesus Christ during the time of Judea, were people that denied beliefs Jesus taught, and threatened how people thought of themselves as human beings. It was an existential defiance of the beliefs Jesus had taught, and ignorance on the part of others.
My beliefs are unlike anyone else's, and false dichotomies are secretly marked through the making of knowledge. If someone refutes the belief I have, such as, "People that believe Terri Schiavo was inferior, also must admit they refuse her right to life because she's comatose." My true question is: how do we not know that Terri Schiavo herself thought people unexpectedly didn't want to care for people in comas. Therefore, why do people that think Terri Schiavo should have died, are also well aware of Terri's thoughts? What if Terri Schiavo had the capacity for speech said, "I'm glad I had people care for me, even though I stated once before I thought it'd be better if I didn't live as a comatose patient, I can both appreciate and be thankful I'm consciously able to respond to people's kindness except I can't physically speak the truth... and communicate my appreciation to another individual who'll understand me talking."
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
When I wake up in the morning, I'll usually have corn-flakes for breakfast. The milk will taste like sweet vanilla. I drink a lactose reduced brand of milk.
I once saw a movie titled Vanilla Sky starring Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz. Tonight I saw Tom Cruise in the movie Cocktail... that's inspired for me to write an entry about what I'm feeling right now.
I've had a lot of thoughts involving the kind of person I attribute myself to be. I ask myself questions about, how something might be holding me back from my true potential?
The answers I've come to, are "sketchy" but give me an idea. My alter-ego is telling me how bad things are attributed to me feeling depressed. The depression I experience is a result of other people, who've negatively influenced the way I think. I feel resentment toward many people that have given me nothing but grief. I blame those people that hurt me.
For example: "people are only doing what they had to in order to move ahead in life and at the expense of others they disregarded anyone."
I wonder about what marriage has in store if I were to marry a woman? Could I have kids if I hoped to marry?
I once saw a movie titled Vanilla Sky starring Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz. Tonight I saw Tom Cruise in the movie Cocktail... that's inspired for me to write an entry about what I'm feeling right now.
I've had a lot of thoughts involving the kind of person I attribute myself to be. I ask myself questions about, how something might be holding me back from my true potential?
The answers I've come to, are "sketchy" but give me an idea. My alter-ego is telling me how bad things are attributed to me feeling depressed. The depression I experience is a result of other people, who've negatively influenced the way I think. I feel resentment toward many people that have given me nothing but grief. I blame those people that hurt me.
For example: "people are only doing what they had to in order to move ahead in life and at the expense of others they disregarded anyone."
I wonder about what marriage has in store if I were to marry a woman? Could I have kids if I hoped to marry?
Monday, March 28, 2005
When I feel anxiety I become more abrasive in how to manage situations.
Managing my life right now, is something I'm feeling all too unaware or unfamiliar about. As a result of the way things are right now, I think I'm in a pursuit of unhappiness?
What my situation boils down too, is coming to a realization of where I am (presently) and the person I want to become (future).
Living with my parents, I know that I feel more scared about leaving and living on my own. However, I also need to take responsibility for myself!
Survival hasn't been easier for me then compared to many other people. That I know.
I've convinced myself that I've changed from the younger man I used to be,
transformed I'm an adult that cannot be threatened because of skeletons in my closet.
I believe in the truth. The truth being, like drinking my favorite soda Coca-Cola. If tomorrow a health inspector found a dead rat floating in the basins where coke was produced? Would the inspector have the authority to close the entire operation? Could it be that such an undiscovered occurrence, may happen regularly in other places coke is being made? The answer is probably that the consumption of the coke wouldn't infect people with a disease nor should it kill anyone. But would the consumer deserve to know about such a problem? Could it be that the consumer not being aware of something, (such as a dead animal contaminating the production of the product) can in fact go unnoticed?
It'd be lethal if the health authority, making the discovery were to publicly renounce Coke to its buyers.
In reality, nothing stops Coca-Cola from the power they have to produce their product. The discovery becomes maintained inside (internally) and the industry won't be exposed to outside (external) sources of public information.
The nature of Coca-Cola's domain, will not be violated but it's protected under the law. The rules for penalty for things such as fraud will be covered, unless the inspector tries to cross ethical guidelines. In which case if the inspector decided to pursue the information publicly, might challenge Coca-Cola interfering with fair practice. In such a routine inspection of the Coca-Cola plant, (where a dead rat was found contaminating the drinking product...) an inspector doesn't have to compromise their position of authority. The inspectors job is committed to standards that won't jeopardize the industry and can have a choice of resigning.
The obligations associated with being an inspector of health, might explain my dilemma, because I can tolerate the association I have with Coke as my favorite drink. If someone else is only in it for what they want in return, the health inspector knows exactly what is needed for the supply of Coke to remain uncontaminated.
Managing my life right now, is something I'm feeling all too unaware or unfamiliar about. As a result of the way things are right now, I think I'm in a pursuit of unhappiness?
What my situation boils down too, is coming to a realization of where I am (presently) and the person I want to become (future).
Living with my parents, I know that I feel more scared about leaving and living on my own. However, I also need to take responsibility for myself!
Survival hasn't been easier for me then compared to many other people. That I know.
I've convinced myself that I've changed from the younger man I used to be,
transformed I'm an adult that cannot be threatened because of skeletons in my closet.
I believe in the truth. The truth being, like drinking my favorite soda Coca-Cola. If tomorrow a health inspector found a dead rat floating in the basins where coke was produced? Would the inspector have the authority to close the entire operation? Could it be that such an undiscovered occurrence, may happen regularly in other places coke is being made? The answer is probably that the consumption of the coke wouldn't infect people with a disease nor should it kill anyone. But would the consumer deserve to know about such a problem? Could it be that the consumer not being aware of something, (such as a dead animal contaminating the production of the product) can in fact go unnoticed?
It'd be lethal if the health authority, making the discovery were to publicly renounce Coke to its buyers.
In reality, nothing stops Coca-Cola from the power they have to produce their product. The discovery becomes maintained inside (internally) and the industry won't be exposed to outside (external) sources of public information.
The nature of Coca-Cola's domain, will not be violated but it's protected under the law. The rules for penalty for things such as fraud will be covered, unless the inspector tries to cross ethical guidelines. In which case if the inspector decided to pursue the information publicly, might challenge Coca-Cola interfering with fair practice. In such a routine inspection of the Coca-Cola plant, (where a dead rat was found contaminating the drinking product...) an inspector doesn't have to compromise their position of authority. The inspectors job is committed to standards that won't jeopardize the industry and can have a choice of resigning.
The obligations associated with being an inspector of health, might explain my dilemma, because I can tolerate the association I have with Coke as my favorite drink. If someone else is only in it for what they want in return, the health inspector knows exactly what is needed for the supply of Coke to remain uncontaminated.
Hear No Evil, See No Evil
Out of sight and out of mind, that's the impression I receive from most of my rational experiences. If an individual thinks they deserve more rights than another, then I believe I have nowhere left to hide. I'm a person with ADD. I've experienced a multitude of failure, that result in exposing the truth I have.
As of today, I live with my parents.
I used to think I was different from other people... now I realize I AM different for various reasons attributed with my ADD!
I'd very much like to move on with my life, and let go of my parents. The problem is that I'm scared about what's out there in the real world.
For example: I dreamed of being a scholar in university and being a philosopher. I was a philosophy major. When philosophy didn't work out for me, I majored instead in the theatre.
Are my rights as an individual not being revoked, if I'm being denied the right to perform what I want to do?
It appears throughout my time at university, my professor's didn't feel I had good enough writing skills to succeed in university.
Therefore, until today... I actually see what my history has taught me. I continue to press on the past and pushed my limits.
I realize that I can write, and I couldn't force my university professors to accept what I did... I refused to believe that I'm worthless!!
I suppose I've explored the resilience with which I can experience, and located a dialogue that nobody appreciates? My style is worthy of introspection, yet existentialist in theory, form, and makes part of my own trivial nature.
The truth is that I've done everything I could possibly, up to this point, in order to uncover and resolve the things that make me who I am.
(I've learned how to feel about something.)
Many things that make me feel and as result make me think insecurely about myself? What I didn't have the knowledge of, was a method to control negative thoughts. Instead, what I used to do was allow my awareness of the thoughts to control my perceptions. The way I avoided perceiving what I was truly feeling made me feel useless or unworthy, the reason being that I'd deny the feelings I truly had. I'd disown my own feelings regarding whatever was that happened, the result that I think something negative without owning my experience of it. I would fear not owning a negative thought that also resembled me. Instead, I'd project myself onto others while denying the negative thought... what I was really doing was removing myself of the guilt I was feeling. I then started to learn that plugging my emotions directly from me (external responses) to another source inside of me (internal responses). I had become used to unplugging the feelings about things I truly thought, without becoming associated through different actual experiences.
As of today, I live with my parents.
I used to think I was different from other people... now I realize I AM different for various reasons attributed with my ADD!
I'd very much like to move on with my life, and let go of my parents. The problem is that I'm scared about what's out there in the real world.
For example: I dreamed of being a scholar in university and being a philosopher. I was a philosophy major. When philosophy didn't work out for me, I majored instead in the theatre.
Are my rights as an individual not being revoked, if I'm being denied the right to perform what I want to do?
It appears throughout my time at university, my professor's didn't feel I had good enough writing skills to succeed in university.
Therefore, until today... I actually see what my history has taught me. I continue to press on the past and pushed my limits.
I realize that I can write, and I couldn't force my university professors to accept what I did... I refused to believe that I'm worthless!!
I suppose I've explored the resilience with which I can experience, and located a dialogue that nobody appreciates? My style is worthy of introspection, yet existentialist in theory, form, and makes part of my own trivial nature.
The truth is that I've done everything I could possibly, up to this point, in order to uncover and resolve the things that make me who I am.
(I've learned how to feel about something.)
Many things that make me feel and as result make me think insecurely about myself? What I didn't have the knowledge of, was a method to control negative thoughts. Instead, what I used to do was allow my awareness of the thoughts to control my perceptions. The way I avoided perceiving what I was truly feeling made me feel useless or unworthy, the reason being that I'd deny the feelings I truly had. I'd disown my own feelings regarding whatever was that happened, the result that I think something negative without owning my experience of it. I would fear not owning a negative thought that also resembled me. Instead, I'd project myself onto others while denying the negative thought... what I was really doing was removing myself of the guilt I was feeling. I then started to learn that plugging my emotions directly from me (external responses) to another source inside of me (internal responses). I had become used to unplugging the feelings about things I truly thought, without becoming associated through different actual experiences.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Parables and Fact
My mystery awaits.
Abacadabra...
Decribe a teacher's face without it threatening to me? (Jesus.)
If Jesus had a face,
if Jesus were my wisdom.
Happy Easter.
Abacadabra...
Decribe a teacher's face without it threatening to me? (Jesus.)
If Jesus had a face,
if Jesus were my wisdom.
Happy Easter.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Not taking risks in bad situations... chocolate tastes better.
What works for you, not necessarily what best works for you, but what works for you in a sense of relation to shed light on a matter is important.
I think my philosophy professor in logic says it best, "People often try to get the better of one another."
This is an accurate assumption.
I want to put my feelings (in a perspective) and exhibit a quality of my emotions openly and freely. Yet ensuring that with every situation my best is offered with a proper orderly manner. To achieve this takes a lot of practice, and above all training or developing the minds landscape to do so effectively.
These are not my first choice of thoughts. Mine are much deeper than that. I think writing is a means to develop this intrinsic revelation of myself, but I digress. Feelings are both inspirational and foreboding. I think or feel rather, that life is a constant predicament that one has the envious task of having fate sitting at the palm of their hands and destiny is the direction which these same hands aim to yonder. One need constantly discover.
You cannot expect anything, from anyone in life. This is safe to presume. I really don't want to think or keep to myself that everyone who is anyone makes themselves feel that they are better than another, for their may not exist a lesser truth. I exist to reveal these sentiments.
(This excerpt above was written October 20, 1999.)
Dec. 04, 2000
There exists in life something called ability. Its essence requires from us all a quality by which we apply ourselves. This of which is a sense we commit to and find who we really are by figuring out as much as possible about ourselves. We inquire in question what is better known as our spirit.
Dec. 29, 2000
Emotion. Doing things in slow motion, will help you get better fast. Think and react, then make sure your soul is in tact. Love one and all. Always love those who are most important to you.
Dec. 12, 2003
Even amidst my daring pride, for all that I find holler is to smile upon with not a frown but with grace.
Ethical Relativism: Who's to Judge What's Right and Wrong?
Ethical relativism is the doctrine that the moral rightness and wrongness of actions varies from society to society and that there are no absolute universal moral standards binding on all men at all times. Accordingly, it holds that whether or not it is right for an individual to act in a certain way depends on or is relative to the society which he belongs.
Ethical relativism holds that there are no universally valid moral principles, but rather that all moral principles are valid relative to culture or individual choice.
Kant: Deontological Systems
Every rational being is able to regard oneself as a maker of universal law.
Kant: Categorical Imperative
The principle of ends, is: "So act as to treat humanity, whether in your own person or in that of any other, in every case as an end and never as merely a means."
Maxim (M)
Second order principle (CI) > rejected maxims
First order principle (P) surviving maxims
Reason in history (Hegel)
That spirit is Freedom Hegel shows in our text in three ways. Man is part Nature and part Spirit, but his essence is Spirit. The more man develops spirituality, the more he becomes conscious of himself, the more he becomes himself, that is, free.
I think my philosophy professor in logic says it best, "People often try to get the better of one another."
This is an accurate assumption.
I want to put my feelings (in a perspective) and exhibit a quality of my emotions openly and freely. Yet ensuring that with every situation my best is offered with a proper orderly manner. To achieve this takes a lot of practice, and above all training or developing the minds landscape to do so effectively.
These are not my first choice of thoughts. Mine are much deeper than that. I think writing is a means to develop this intrinsic revelation of myself, but I digress. Feelings are both inspirational and foreboding. I think or feel rather, that life is a constant predicament that one has the envious task of having fate sitting at the palm of their hands and destiny is the direction which these same hands aim to yonder. One need constantly discover.
You cannot expect anything, from anyone in life. This is safe to presume. I really don't want to think or keep to myself that everyone who is anyone makes themselves feel that they are better than another, for their may not exist a lesser truth. I exist to reveal these sentiments.
(This excerpt above was written October 20, 1999.)
Dec. 04, 2000
There exists in life something called ability. Its essence requires from us all a quality by which we apply ourselves. This of which is a sense we commit to and find who we really are by figuring out as much as possible about ourselves. We inquire in question what is better known as our spirit.
Dec. 29, 2000
Emotion. Doing things in slow motion, will help you get better fast. Think and react, then make sure your soul is in tact. Love one and all. Always love those who are most important to you.
Dec. 12, 2003
Even amidst my daring pride, for all that I find holler is to smile upon with not a frown but with grace.
Ethical Relativism: Who's to Judge What's Right and Wrong?
Ethical relativism is the doctrine that the moral rightness and wrongness of actions varies from society to society and that there are no absolute universal moral standards binding on all men at all times. Accordingly, it holds that whether or not it is right for an individual to act in a certain way depends on or is relative to the society which he belongs.
Ethical relativism holds that there are no universally valid moral principles, but rather that all moral principles are valid relative to culture or individual choice.
Kant: Deontological Systems
Every rational being is able to regard oneself as a maker of universal law.
Kant: Categorical Imperative
The principle of ends, is: "So act as to treat humanity, whether in your own person or in that of any other, in every case as an end and never as merely a means."
Maxim (M)
Second order principle (CI) > rejected maxims
First order principle (P) surviving maxims
Reason in history (Hegel)
That spirit is Freedom Hegel shows in our text in three ways. Man is part Nature and part Spirit, but his essence is Spirit. The more man develops spirituality, the more he becomes conscious of himself, the more he becomes himself, that is, free.
Beating a Dead Horse
When I walk into a room, into any situation, I present myself able. It is with this parable in mind that come with my strengths, and weaknesses. I know exactly what to expect in the sense of what someone is giving to me and in return they can anticipate no more or no less. I am a free spirit. A man of intelligence, peace, honor, sacrifice, fortune and good will. I have a family that loves me and who I hold dear to my heart. It is Easter, my name is Marco Antonio Bastos Almeida and I am proud.
Life is not about everything you want. That I hold suspicions against no one in this regard is no great matter. I carry no suspicions unless took for granted. The truth of decisions that we make in life are based upon how we take things for granted. Broadly dependent on how we feel is what makes us who we are. To transgress emotions openly and honestly. It is why one cannot merely go through the motions, so to speak, it risks portraying an unlearned past. One cannot pretend to learn who actively searches for meaning. It is hardly a constant state of mind but a transgression of fate and it is equal to virtue. Which one of fate or virtue is more important?
Neither.
They both work together... go hand in hand... arm in arm. The way memories are remembered is looked back upon the way moments are shared and is the way once applies with such pretense in mind that memories are best had. This resembles the way you act in ways that the universe cannot be won. To give a sense of what you are doing, and get a sense of what you need to perform, take the time to feel. By default the virtue of mind is discovery to which everything else we avow.
Life is not about everything you want. That I hold suspicions against no one in this regard is no great matter. I carry no suspicions unless took for granted. The truth of decisions that we make in life are based upon how we take things for granted. Broadly dependent on how we feel is what makes us who we are. To transgress emotions openly and honestly. It is why one cannot merely go through the motions, so to speak, it risks portraying an unlearned past. One cannot pretend to learn who actively searches for meaning. It is hardly a constant state of mind but a transgression of fate and it is equal to virtue. Which one of fate or virtue is more important?
Neither.
They both work together... go hand in hand... arm in arm. The way memories are remembered is looked back upon the way moments are shared and is the way once applies with such pretense in mind that memories are best had. This resembles the way you act in ways that the universe cannot be won. To give a sense of what you are doing, and get a sense of what you need to perform, take the time to feel. By default the virtue of mind is discovery to which everything else we avow.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
The Captain's Office
I need to remain calm. I feel like I'm not going anywhere, and I only keep talking to myself about the same things. This is a part of who I truly am?
The pope is in critical state right now, and I turn to god that helps find answers.
It's easter weekend, yeast, chocolate and the easter bunny.
Do you share a fish to eat, or fast on the thought of bread, flick on hunger (not responding) to the Gettysgurg Address.
As the rats retreating from intense heat, a lieutenant slides down the fireman's pole.
A bad case of cabin fever, I've set up at the pole position in F1.
This brilliant charade between the have's and the have-not's.
I'm in no rush to hurry, slow hurry to rush.
The pope is in critical state right now, and I turn to god that helps find answers.
It's easter weekend, yeast, chocolate and the easter bunny.
Do you share a fish to eat, or fast on the thought of bread, flick on hunger (not responding) to the Gettysgurg Address.
As the rats retreating from intense heat, a lieutenant slides down the fireman's pole.
A bad case of cabin fever, I've set up at the pole position in F1.
This brilliant charade between the have's and the have-not's.
I'm in no rush to hurry, slow hurry to rush.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Pink Sand Hot Spots
An expensive kind of language, I read in the darkest tunnels beneath my loins.
A kind of eccentricity, anywhere I like that mostly matter.
A kind of eccentricity, anywhere I like that mostly matter.
Generic (Generated) Haiku
What can exist therefore cannot (also) exist?
I Overvalued
Images of shadows in my mind
I Overvalued
Images of shadows in my mind
Monday, March 21, 2005
The Luso Canadian
Sporting (SCP) beat F.C. Porto 2-0.
Today, I realize how much I've become.
Sometimes, the reading between the lines, I found myself somewhere in the middle of... now all I need is a special woman.
Today, I realize how much I've become.
Sometimes, the reading between the lines, I found myself somewhere in the middle of... now all I need is a special woman.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Protection against the female, or she’ll take me for who I am?
I’m not needy.
I’m a man.
I have to walk around with this stench on me, but what can I be done if I haven’t done anything yet?
This nauseating discount of events!
I'm single. I guess that means I'm also still available!!
Purgery... killed by death.
My fire burns deep within me, the flickering flame.
I can see through the heat, the vulnerability and (the) passion.
It’s a second-nature reading between the lines of vulnerability, a kind of vulnerability or psychological nature… that the existential meaning in life will emerge.
I’m not needy.
I’m a man.
I have to walk around with this stench on me, but what can I be done if I haven’t done anything yet?
This nauseating discount of events!
I'm single. I guess that means I'm also still available!!
Purgery... killed by death.
My fire burns deep within me, the flickering flame.
I can see through the heat, the vulnerability and (the) passion.
It’s a second-nature reading between the lines of vulnerability, a kind of vulnerability or psychological nature… that the existential meaning in life will emerge.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
What’s wrong with not being you, yourself just a shadow in the blink of an eye?
I’m not one to be needy, but in a prisoners dilemma.
Today after meeting with Dr. Gordon, I established that I need a lot of the help that I’ve been receiving.
- I’m going to be 28 this year.
- I’m working with my parents.
- I have ADD.
I’m not one to be needy, but in a prisoners dilemma.
Today after meeting with Dr. Gordon, I established that I need a lot of the help that I’ve been receiving.
- I’m going to be 28 this year.
- I’m working with my parents.
- I have ADD.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Coping has been one of the worst experiences I've had the most trouble with. I look at my life right now with some regret. I feel a sense of loss.
I'm trying to account for where I think I should be with my life today?
What's been causing me to be as depressed as I've felt?
Sometimes, I pray to god about the situation I'm in... but I don't know what to pray for?
I know that I'd like to be an actor. However, I don't need to pray to god to do something I already know I can do! I've gone to train as an actor in university, and I majored in theatre. I concentrated entirely on acting courses that I took specifically.
I don't want to be an actor that just wants to be famous, yet is ignorant to how acting works!! In order for me to survive, I need to do a lot of professional work in acting. (Being famous would be the result of recognition from the amount of contribution I'd have done.) Do I need god to help answer my prayer in that respect?
I cannot sense how I should change my life? What do I need for me to do? Am I not in the right position to be in? If I were at an age, time, and place... it would be now. I can't look back and forget what I thought I'd be one day able to acheive.
Now, I just don't know if I made the right choices. The decisions I've made aren't regretful, I just have to live with what I've done up to now. Living with the doubt is the agonizing part. I've been patient, and tried to keep grounded as best as I can.
Unfortunately, I'm beginning to feel that I'm suffering for my decision. I'm asking myself if I'm at a loss because I took on a purpose... I cannot help but accept? I have to own up to everything I've become as the result. I feel lonely because of my choice and I can't turn my way back.
I guess another problem is women. I remind myself of a time when I only looked forward to falling in love with a special woman. From what I've learned in the past, I've made some mistakes. What I learned is that the fantasy of just loving a woman, doesn't really exist the way I thought it would originally. If there's something I'd pray to god for, it's that I meet a good honest woman for me.
I'm trying to account for where I think I should be with my life today?
What's been causing me to be as depressed as I've felt?
Sometimes, I pray to god about the situation I'm in... but I don't know what to pray for?
I know that I'd like to be an actor. However, I don't need to pray to god to do something I already know I can do! I've gone to train as an actor in university, and I majored in theatre. I concentrated entirely on acting courses that I took specifically.
I don't want to be an actor that just wants to be famous, yet is ignorant to how acting works!! In order for me to survive, I need to do a lot of professional work in acting. (Being famous would be the result of recognition from the amount of contribution I'd have done.) Do I need god to help answer my prayer in that respect?
I cannot sense how I should change my life? What do I need for me to do? Am I not in the right position to be in? If I were at an age, time, and place... it would be now. I can't look back and forget what I thought I'd be one day able to acheive.
Now, I just don't know if I made the right choices. The decisions I've made aren't regretful, I just have to live with what I've done up to now. Living with the doubt is the agonizing part. I've been patient, and tried to keep grounded as best as I can.
Unfortunately, I'm beginning to feel that I'm suffering for my decision. I'm asking myself if I'm at a loss because I took on a purpose... I cannot help but accept? I have to own up to everything I've become as the result. I feel lonely because of my choice and I can't turn my way back.
I guess another problem is women. I remind myself of a time when I only looked forward to falling in love with a special woman. From what I've learned in the past, I've made some mistakes. What I learned is that the fantasy of just loving a woman, doesn't really exist the way I thought it would originally. If there's something I'd pray to god for, it's that I meet a good honest woman for me.
I guess instead of feeling sorry for myself, all I've ever tried to accomplish is figuring out what about me is different?
I have ADD. I'm a 28 year old male with extremely low self esteem. I think I have value, what I don't have is confidence. That's the "way I'm built."
I feel a lot about things, and I carry unnecessary weight on my shoulders. (For whatever the reason.)
My issues at home are with my parents, who support me and whom without the support I'd be lost.
The trouble is that I'm unstable as an adult, who has ability and unlimited potential, but little self-concept.
The issues I have most trouble with, are the stereotypes that my mom for example labels me with. For example, last week I didn't know why our car had anti-freeze leaking. My mom looked at me and said, you're a man, men usually know better about these things then women do. YOU should know, not ME.
It's all part of the bigger picture.
For instance, I don't like someone who is associated with my family. These are certain people I experience insecurity with from my past. Although I'm doing the best I possibly can to cope, (...and myself not being a "perfect" human being) I'm unable to cope or help realize the actual experience. Because I don't agree with certain people, my mental state is fragile. Dealing with an event becomes extrodinarily difficult, since these are people that trigger negative thoughts that I experience when they're present.
I've been guilty of taking my feelings out on my family, mostly due to the fact I have issues with those people!
The unresolved feelings/issues stem back to me, and not being resolved... my parents expect me to behave and conduct myself in a certain manner. I appear unreasonable in the situation, and my true feelings are lost. The process is a vicious cycle, that my fear and resentment are kept inside of me.
I blame my guilt, shame, and my parents for the attitude that's expected of me.
When I'm in such a situation that I've described, the mask I really should have on I keep off. I present myself in a way that others don't accept. Therefore, the maturity that anyone would normally expect, I refuse to show. The reasons for this, aren't necessarily because of my parents, rather because I haven't been able to develop a healthy sense of self.
The ramifications are terrible to overcome. I'm very unhappy.
I have ADD. I'm a 28 year old male with extremely low self esteem. I think I have value, what I don't have is confidence. That's the "way I'm built."
I feel a lot about things, and I carry unnecessary weight on my shoulders. (For whatever the reason.)
My issues at home are with my parents, who support me and whom without the support I'd be lost.
The trouble is that I'm unstable as an adult, who has ability and unlimited potential, but little self-concept.
The issues I have most trouble with, are the stereotypes that my mom for example labels me with. For example, last week I didn't know why our car had anti-freeze leaking. My mom looked at me and said, you're a man, men usually know better about these things then women do. YOU should know, not ME.
It's all part of the bigger picture.
For instance, I don't like someone who is associated with my family. These are certain people I experience insecurity with from my past. Although I'm doing the best I possibly can to cope, (...and myself not being a "perfect" human being) I'm unable to cope or help realize the actual experience. Because I don't agree with certain people, my mental state is fragile. Dealing with an event becomes extrodinarily difficult, since these are people that trigger negative thoughts that I experience when they're present.
I've been guilty of taking my feelings out on my family, mostly due to the fact I have issues with those people!
The unresolved feelings/issues stem back to me, and not being resolved... my parents expect me to behave and conduct myself in a certain manner. I appear unreasonable in the situation, and my true feelings are lost. The process is a vicious cycle, that my fear and resentment are kept inside of me.
I blame my guilt, shame, and my parents for the attitude that's expected of me.
When I'm in such a situation that I've described, the mask I really should have on I keep off. I present myself in a way that others don't accept. Therefore, the maturity that anyone would normally expect, I refuse to show. The reasons for this, aren't necessarily because of my parents, rather because I haven't been able to develop a healthy sense of self.
The ramifications are terrible to overcome. I'm very unhappy.
At the time I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I couldn't accept myself. I used to think that external events caused my suffering. I now realize it's about my responses to things that happen... make a difference in how I feel. My emotions are controlled by me!!
I guess the saddest part about remembering how much sadness I felt, is the depression and withdrawal I went into.
I always needed help to cope, and today I'm still making changes from learning about how things affect me, and why I'm a sensitive individual. Today I see a psychologist and I'm taking medication.
I first experienced depression when I was in my later teens and I'd rebound then the depression would come back. (Unless I receive treatment as I do today... I didn't know of what to do back then.)
The healing has been the most difficult.
I need to reclaim the parts of myself I've disowned.
Now, I'm better able to identify with what has effected me the way it did. Yet, I'm only human... and I recognize I still have fears about different things from the past. I still feel self-doubt. I still feel scared about my future.
I guess the saddest part about remembering how much sadness I felt, is the depression and withdrawal I went into.
I always needed help to cope, and today I'm still making changes from learning about how things affect me, and why I'm a sensitive individual. Today I see a psychologist and I'm taking medication.
I first experienced depression when I was in my later teens and I'd rebound then the depression would come back. (Unless I receive treatment as I do today... I didn't know of what to do back then.)
The healing has been the most difficult.
I need to reclaim the parts of myself I've disowned.
Now, I'm better able to identify with what has effected me the way it did. Yet, I'm only human... and I recognize I still have fears about different things from the past. I still feel self-doubt. I still feel scared about my future.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Returning some Mexi-fries...
Last night I heard on my car radio, (as I was sitting in my car... while it was warming up.) A man that described himself as an American Libertarian. He characterized himself, in a curious manner.
He characterized that an American Libertarian such as himself, didn't vote for George W. Bush but wouldn't undermine the president in any way.
The voice on the radio went on to mention, that as a Libertarian (...such as himself I supposed) took interest in the politics of the nation. That the American's were the best for a reason he didn't specify, and that how self-important being a citizen is to him meant not to be controlled by the government.
The answers that arose when I asked myself the questions from the logic he proposed (arose my concern), is the contradictions involved in his idea of being an American Libertarian.
The man suggests unequivocally that as an American it's important, the government not control his actions and promotes an individuals freedom.
He used the example of the 9/11 attacks made against the US, if they were commissioned by George W. Bush and if he was fully aware that he knew they were going to take place? The focus must turn away from defying the odds that the president knew anything, and committed genocide against his own people.
The irony being that the voice of the American Libertarian was convinced that, government shouldn't control the will of the people. However, the fact remains that the US government takes action unequivocally to protect their own interests... isn't unfair to the world as a whole?
The position the radio announcer took as a Libertarian/American was laughable.
It's in this sense that I'll create my own identity knowing the values of a basic overall principle, instead of having my rights attributed through the means of others! The affect America has on it's own people, is to influence another breed of followers in the ideal that any response against their own interests is a threat!!
Furthermore, I do not pretend to be something I'm not. Therefore, I feel its in everyone's interest to generate accords fairly and not unequivocal of other people's beliefs.
How does a person like the American-Libertarian radio/announcer cue his beliefs onto an audience... only to attain the listeners to his bigotry?
Personally, my response to everything I heard shouldn't believe represents America... I think that my response to what I heard is far less arrogant. Maybe the radio announcer could listen to himself??
He characterized that an American Libertarian such as himself, didn't vote for George W. Bush but wouldn't undermine the president in any way.
The voice on the radio went on to mention, that as a Libertarian (...such as himself I supposed) took interest in the politics of the nation. That the American's were the best for a reason he didn't specify, and that how self-important being a citizen is to him meant not to be controlled by the government.
The answers that arose when I asked myself the questions from the logic he proposed (arose my concern), is the contradictions involved in his idea of being an American Libertarian.
The man suggests unequivocally that as an American it's important, the government not control his actions and promotes an individuals freedom.
He used the example of the 9/11 attacks made against the US, if they were commissioned by George W. Bush and if he was fully aware that he knew they were going to take place? The focus must turn away from defying the odds that the president knew anything, and committed genocide against his own people.
The irony being that the voice of the American Libertarian was convinced that, government shouldn't control the will of the people. However, the fact remains that the US government takes action unequivocally to protect their own interests... isn't unfair to the world as a whole?
The position the radio announcer took as a Libertarian/American was laughable.
It's in this sense that I'll create my own identity knowing the values of a basic overall principle, instead of having my rights attributed through the means of others! The affect America has on it's own people, is to influence another breed of followers in the ideal that any response against their own interests is a threat!!
Furthermore, I do not pretend to be something I'm not. Therefore, I feel its in everyone's interest to generate accords fairly and not unequivocal of other people's beliefs.
How does a person like the American-Libertarian radio/announcer cue his beliefs onto an audience... only to attain the listeners to his bigotry?
Personally, my response to everything I heard shouldn't believe represents America... I think that my response to what I heard is far less arrogant. Maybe the radio announcer could listen to himself??
It's 3am in the morning. I've just arrived home from the bar. A lot of promiscuous looking women were there.
I also saw some old friends from high school. I felt like I was a different person compared to how I saw them before. Now, 2 of them are teachers. 1 of them teaches in elementary school and the other teaches math in junior high. Enzo, who used to be one of my good friends throughout attending junior high and high school... works at home depot. Enzo mentioned in the conversation we had at the bar tonight, they had gone to Grand Forks to see Canada play at the World Junior Hockey Championship.
I got to wondering how much time I've spent without being happy. I started to see myself in a negative light compared to my former friends. They've all kept together for all this time after finishing high school. While I'm struggling with coping issues and visiting my psychologist!
I feel dejected tonight, yet I'm 28 years old. I feel as though I've lost ground? I feel like the time I've taken to sort out my mental health problems from past experiences, has left me feeling left out in the cold.
Speaking with Enzo, made me remember a connection I once had, that I no longer feel exists. I'm my own person, not like the friends I've seen again today. They've grown together and created a bond, and I don't seem to have that bond with them or anyone else in the same capacity I witnessed?
I remind myself of a time that is my "shadow self". The shadow self is that picture I have of all the bad things I don't like about myself. I see this early 20's male, with long black hair who loved to party excessively. A person who had to change his ways.
When I broke up with my last ex-girlfriend, I fell into a great depression. I couldn't cope the way I felt. My emotions get the better of me, because I'm a very sensitive human being. I didn't know how to accept myself the same way I always did. I began to change from that point on... I broke up with friends I couldn't face anymore. For some reason or other, whatever I felt I knew I had to deal with myself. My shadow self had issues that I had buried with guilt that I left unresolved!!
I cut my long black hair, and completely left the shadow self behind me. I was determined to make a commitment to changing the way I was, and better my future.
I began university, and to make a long story short, I made changes that turned into a person I thought I wanted to be but still have a hard time accepting who I am.
I had thought that changing myself, meant disowning myself completely. Instead the negative thoughts I had didn't change anything about me. I concentrated on burying that young, wonderful person who had so much to give not forgiving myself.
Tonight, when I look back at that guy, that same guy who had become so depressed... I want to cry about burying him yet embrace everything wonderful about him. I wanted to realize that was me who wanted to love and be loved accepting everything that was good about me, ...even if my ex-girlfriend couldn't. It's been nearly 7-8 years since I cut off my shadow self and buried it.
(During that time to the present...)
I went to university, I tried to mirror everything I wanted to be in a way I could bury the guilt. With all the things I learned throughout progressing in university, I tried not to realize I could do it without facing my guilt.
The guilt I've carried with me about things that happened to me in my past. Tonight I realize I carry that same guilt, and transformed myself into believing that I can accept me for who I am!!
The guilt I've managed to face, dealing with things that have happened to me and say it wasn't my fault. Things such as my sexual abuse, my friends betraying my trust and feelings I disowned because I was too afraid to admit.
Tonight however, was a different story.
The time I've spent digging my own grave, felt like an eternity watching how happy I thought my former high school buddies were better off then me.
I want to remember how far I've come to reach this point and recognize the changes that I've allowed to take place in my mind.
This journey has been extremely difficult for me.
I also saw some old friends from high school. I felt like I was a different person compared to how I saw them before. Now, 2 of them are teachers. 1 of them teaches in elementary school and the other teaches math in junior high. Enzo, who used to be one of my good friends throughout attending junior high and high school... works at home depot. Enzo mentioned in the conversation we had at the bar tonight, they had gone to Grand Forks to see Canada play at the World Junior Hockey Championship.
I got to wondering how much time I've spent without being happy. I started to see myself in a negative light compared to my former friends. They've all kept together for all this time after finishing high school. While I'm struggling with coping issues and visiting my psychologist!
I feel dejected tonight, yet I'm 28 years old. I feel as though I've lost ground? I feel like the time I've taken to sort out my mental health problems from past experiences, has left me feeling left out in the cold.
Speaking with Enzo, made me remember a connection I once had, that I no longer feel exists. I'm my own person, not like the friends I've seen again today. They've grown together and created a bond, and I don't seem to have that bond with them or anyone else in the same capacity I witnessed?
I remind myself of a time that is my "shadow self". The shadow self is that picture I have of all the bad things I don't like about myself. I see this early 20's male, with long black hair who loved to party excessively. A person who had to change his ways.
When I broke up with my last ex-girlfriend, I fell into a great depression. I couldn't cope the way I felt. My emotions get the better of me, because I'm a very sensitive human being. I didn't know how to accept myself the same way I always did. I began to change from that point on... I broke up with friends I couldn't face anymore. For some reason or other, whatever I felt I knew I had to deal with myself. My shadow self had issues that I had buried with guilt that I left unresolved!!
I cut my long black hair, and completely left the shadow self behind me. I was determined to make a commitment to changing the way I was, and better my future.
I began university, and to make a long story short, I made changes that turned into a person I thought I wanted to be but still have a hard time accepting who I am.
I had thought that changing myself, meant disowning myself completely. Instead the negative thoughts I had didn't change anything about me. I concentrated on burying that young, wonderful person who had so much to give not forgiving myself.
Tonight, when I look back at that guy, that same guy who had become so depressed... I want to cry about burying him yet embrace everything wonderful about him. I wanted to realize that was me who wanted to love and be loved accepting everything that was good about me, ...even if my ex-girlfriend couldn't. It's been nearly 7-8 years since I cut off my shadow self and buried it.
(During that time to the present...)
I went to university, I tried to mirror everything I wanted to be in a way I could bury the guilt. With all the things I learned throughout progressing in university, I tried not to realize I could do it without facing my guilt.
The guilt I've carried with me about things that happened to me in my past. Tonight I realize I carry that same guilt, and transformed myself into believing that I can accept me for who I am!!
The guilt I've managed to face, dealing with things that have happened to me and say it wasn't my fault. Things such as my sexual abuse, my friends betraying my trust and feelings I disowned because I was too afraid to admit.
Tonight however, was a different story.
The time I've spent digging my own grave, felt like an eternity watching how happy I thought my former high school buddies were better off then me.
I want to remember how far I've come to reach this point and recognize the changes that I've allowed to take place in my mind.
This journey has been extremely difficult for me.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Thursday, March 10, 2005
...
I had been thinking lately about what characterizes my humanity? I've found my answers in the book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers written by Debbie Ford.
I remember feeling extremely dejected about things. Today, the beliefs I had before reading the book I better understand what to do with. Without the book, I probably would've still had the same doubts!
I can reaffirm myself because I know I have the power to withstand things, not to mention why I'll continue to illustrate what things I learned... and how that'll change my life.
I remember feeling extremely dejected about things. Today, the beliefs I had before reading the book I better understand what to do with. Without the book, I probably would've still had the same doubts!
I can reaffirm myself because I know I have the power to withstand things, not to mention why I'll continue to illustrate what things I learned... and how that'll change my life.
Shadowing my defenses
I see the beginning, I can see what lay ahead of me. I've seen many things along the way. Now, I know.
Tomorrow begins a new day. Each day that arrives, I can believe what a great future I have.
I see the things I leave behind, I've left for the way back home.
Tomorrow begins a new day. Each day that arrives, I can believe what a great future I have.
I see the things I leave behind, I've left for the way back home.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Making Fear a Factor
He’s looking at me with those eyes again…
Somehow the broken arrow has made me turn into a zombie.
I can’t reverse the spell.
But this psychological death has become a nature unto itself.
It can’t be expressed in charts or graph-form, numbers and letters, fractions and pies.
It’s a small price to pay for golden bullets.
Such rarities like asking would you rather live cancer free or starve… not to death?
Somehow the broken arrow has made me turn into a zombie.
I can’t reverse the spell.
But this psychological death has become a nature unto itself.
It can’t be expressed in charts or graph-form, numbers and letters, fractions and pies.
It’s a small price to pay for golden bullets.
Such rarities like asking would you rather live cancer free or starve… not to death?
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Wheel of Fortune
Here is a synopisis of what I'm currently contributing from a societal perspective:
I’m going to meet a girl and talk to her.
The shadow self (ego: parts of yourself you disown or deny) <> acceptance (The sacred self)
Movies <> being a professional actor
Cost benefit analysis.
I’m going to meet a girl and talk to her.
The shadow self (ego: parts of yourself you disown or deny) <> acceptance (The sacred self)
Movies <> being a professional actor
Cost benefit analysis.
My Ears Are Ringing
I just got back from the Empire.
I just stood there waiting like a man.
When I saw the train coming, nobody had stopped.
The Line-up of women and men offering them victims and such?
In the spotlight, I saw many different colors.
Laser beams of light…
But I stood my ground.
Wondering aloud, while thoughts (past) lingered in the moment.
Then she approached me, and my shadow.
I smiled and answered her politely.
As I watched her face, my brain in command…
I ordered nothing from the waitress.
I went to the washroom.
Where I saw the optical illusion of a urinal.
I pissed out urine and then some.I didn’t forget to wash my hands.
I just stood there waiting like a man.
When I saw the train coming, nobody had stopped.
The Line-up of women and men offering them victims and such?
In the spotlight, I saw many different colors.
Laser beams of light…
But I stood my ground.
Wondering aloud, while thoughts (past) lingered in the moment.
Then she approached me, and my shadow.
I smiled and answered her politely.
As I watched her face, my brain in command…
I ordered nothing from the waitress.
I went to the washroom.
Where I saw the optical illusion of a urinal.
I pissed out urine and then some.I didn’t forget to wash my hands.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
My godmother begins her chemotherapy on Monday... the hardest part. My mom is devastated. I feel incredibly positive about my aunt surviving. I also think to myself, how truly insignificant I must be as a mortal?
Tonight, I watched about 15 minutes of a movie... together with my mom. My mom and I were laughing to some parts of the movie. For that short amount of time, I could distance myself from the near death experience my aunt has been facing. In a situation where all I want to do is help, but I don't know how? This movie seemed to help put things into perspective, because I can thank god why my mom and I shared a moment of peace, ...considering what my aunt is going through.
I've begun to feel better about myself as a person.
I've done a lot of work since I left my university studies. I think that I've progressed since leaving university and seeking guidance. My psychologist has helped me realize my difficulties, and my disappointment has curved into enthusiasm.
It will be matter of time before I consider going back to finish my university, the question is only when will I go back to obtain my degree?
As of today, I believe in my aunt, may she be blessed with the strength of Jesus Christ and live with us to tell about it. Oh god, give my aunt life.
Tonight, I watched about 15 minutes of a movie... together with my mom. My mom and I were laughing to some parts of the movie. For that short amount of time, I could distance myself from the near death experience my aunt has been facing. In a situation where all I want to do is help, but I don't know how? This movie seemed to help put things into perspective, because I can thank god why my mom and I shared a moment of peace, ...considering what my aunt is going through.
I've begun to feel better about myself as a person.
I've done a lot of work since I left my university studies. I think that I've progressed since leaving university and seeking guidance. My psychologist has helped me realize my difficulties, and my disappointment has curved into enthusiasm.
It will be matter of time before I consider going back to finish my university, the question is only when will I go back to obtain my degree?
As of today, I believe in my aunt, may she be blessed with the strength of Jesus Christ and live with us to tell about it. Oh god, give my aunt life.
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