It's 3am in the morning. I've just arrived home from the bar. A lot of promiscuous looking women were there.

I also saw some old friends from high school. I felt like I was a different person compared to how I saw them before. Now, 2 of them are teachers. 1 of them teaches in elementary school and the other teaches math in junior high. Enzo, who used to be one of my good friends throughout attending junior high and high school... works at home depot. Enzo mentioned in the conversation we had at the bar tonight, they had gone to Grand Forks to see Canada play at the World Junior Hockey Championship.

I got to wondering how much time I've spent without being happy. I started to see myself in a negative light compared to my former friends. They've all kept together for all this time after finishing high school. While I'm struggling with coping issues and visiting my psychologist!
I feel dejected tonight, yet I'm 28 years old. I feel as though I've lost ground? I feel like the time I've taken to sort out my mental health problems from past experiences, has left me feeling left out in the cold.

Speaking with Enzo, made me remember a connection I once had, that I no longer feel exists. I'm my own person, not like the friends I've seen again today. They've grown together and created a bond, and I don't seem to have that bond with them or anyone else in the same capacity I witnessed?

I remind myself of a time that is my "shadow self". The shadow self is that picture I have of all the bad things I don't like about myself. I see this early 20's male, with long black hair who loved to party excessively. A person who had to change his ways.

When I broke up with my last ex-girlfriend, I fell into a great depression. I couldn't cope the way I felt. My emotions get the better of me, because I'm a very sensitive human being. I didn't know how to accept myself the same way I always did. I began to change from that point on... I broke up with friends I couldn't face anymore. For some reason or other, whatever I felt I knew I had to deal with myself. My shadow self had issues that I had buried with guilt that I left unresolved!!

I cut my long black hair, and completely left the shadow self behind me. I was determined to make a commitment to changing the way I was, and better my future.

I began university, and to make a long story short, I made changes that turned into a person I thought I wanted to be but still have a hard time accepting who I am.

I had thought that changing myself, meant disowning myself completely. Instead the negative thoughts I had didn't change anything about me. I concentrated on burying that young, wonderful person who had so much to give not forgiving myself.

Tonight, when I look back at that guy, that same guy who had become so depressed... I want to cry about burying him yet embrace everything wonderful about him. I wanted to realize that was me who wanted to love and be loved accepting everything that was good about me, ...even if my ex-girlfriend couldn't. It's been nearly 7-8 years since I cut off my shadow self and buried it.

(During that time to the present...)

I went to university, I tried to mirror everything I wanted to be in a way I could bury the guilt. With all the things I learned throughout progressing in university, I tried not to realize I could do it without facing my guilt.

The guilt I've carried with me about things that happened to me in my past. Tonight I realize I carry that same guilt, and transformed myself into believing that I can accept me for who I am!!

The guilt I've managed to face, dealing with things that have happened to me and say it wasn't my fault. Things such as my sexual abuse, my friends betraying my trust and feelings I disowned because I was too afraid to admit.

Tonight however, was a different story.

The time I've spent digging my own grave, felt like an eternity watching how happy I thought my former high school buddies were better off then me.

I want to remember how far I've come to reach this point and recognize the changes that I've allowed to take place in my mind.

This journey has been extremely difficult for me.