The fallacy of impersonation

 It was when I developed a second nature of my choosing, that this concept somehow eluded me for so long, until I mistook it.

Now I hope you are reading this, Karen.

It was one of those things, you know, the kind of famine you figure might delay your own hunger. The truth is, you are the most beautiful girl I had ever thought was possible to be with me. Somehow everything changed, you did not know why it did.

I guess my main point here is to tell you that I never got to say I love you. That was the worst part. The best part was seeing how your eyes glowed when you look at me, like you really knew me, just by the way you felt. I really needed you back then, I wish things could have turned out differently between us.

There came a silent killer in our potential relationship, it was when your ex-boyfriend approached me on no uncertain terms that he was heart broken and still in love with you. I supposed this was a measuring stick of some kind, he "found out" we were pursuing each other. I did what I thought I should, which was to honor what this other person was telling me. I feel it was a mistake, and I am regretful I made that discretion my reality.

That was when you felt I avoided you, for no apparent reason. I am sorry.

My weakness is supplied by anger turned inward, I was angry that he asked me to leave you alone, but I did not know how to act on it. It was mixed emotions, that I did not know how to deal with. So, I then agreed that I would leave you alone. I still regret honoring that to this day, it makes me look foolish and like a coward, when I look back at myself. That was then, this is now.

What really took me off guard was when a former friend of mine, told me you approached him, and asked why I gave up on you the way I did. To which I never forgave myself.

It was a few years after that I saw you again.

I couldn't believe how you copped out on me. You said you were with some guy, who had his degree in engineering that offered you a 'future'. That was not the worst part, I still can't believe, you would undermine me that way. Not you. But you did.

I guess your hair, your nose, your mouth, your sensitivity, never really got a chance it deserved. My biggest regret, is you are at the top of that list of people I really should have made myself available to.