My allegory

I've been searching for some answers, to questions that have been weighing on my mind. The fact of the matter, is the questions are a mystery. Something that I have had trouble with in revealing myself, it reminds me of feeling insecure.

After reflecting the truth about why things are the way they are, a few ideas has crossed my purpose of consideration.

Look, I don't mean to sound defensive. The reality of your situation I only based my honest opinion. It in no way characterizes you as an individual or how obnoxious you can come across on this board, when you alienate others with your own opinions. I know I have done that, which is why I said what you might want to consider. All I see you is resisting it, and that is saying a lot.

I guess you interpreted what I feel, with what you thought matters most? In your case I neglect the fact you consider $$money$$ as a motivating factor. I do not. In fact my ambition might compare the same way as yours if you try enough to see where I am coming from!If people that earn more than I do, with or without the qualifications involved, regardless of which 'aa' or person 'bb' is qualified more.That also means, I have the same ambition or lack desire depending on circumstantial criteria. However, the truth is when I make an effort to do the necessary things that does not include material $$things$$ I base my greed on not how much I earn, but the self respect I deserve. Which sadly you might be blinded because of your need to be bigger than those around you.

The answer to this question is straight forward and simple, tamala. No one can blame you for being awesome either. Think about it. What if they paid you for being "awesome". Although I know you intended it as a figure of speech. If you can impede me on that, you'll know what that meant is so much of what people with "above-average" intelligence fail to understand, - you or me - are as defenseless against others (not) to be highly patronized. It doesn't matter what you earn, where you work, or how you earn it. . . "less objective" people do not refer to any one race, individual or person of a group.

Listen, all I said was I neglected the fact that $$money$$ was her motivating factor. Money is motivation, but not for everyone. People that display talent for whatever the job, might not do it for the money at all, but would rather be "the boss". A government job would not appeal to me in that case. In tamara's case, I think she should re-evaluate that part of her life. I have ended friendships based on the limitations people set such as the ones I described above, out of principle, and my own independence.

Dinosaur Eggs

There was a time that hatched;
and inside the shell were fossil remains.
The bones were constructed,
and formed a shape?
That revealed a great many things!
Everything was beautiful beneath the surface of the egg:
and its edification.
A perfect world that I imagined. . .
safe.
My mosiac of thought.
Awoke, from a dream that I was sleeping with giants.

Sleeping with giants

I have a few minutes to express what I need to express. My job at Safeway is pretty good. I feel like I want more in life, and I need time to relax. Just be with myself for a while. The decisions I've made, have helped me become what I have become. It is that self-doubt that creeps in, sometimes - that I need to refocus myself. When I experience the kind thoughts of which some are negative, I must concentrate on why, and eliminate what causes me experiencing them. I feel that I need to slow down if I am overwhelmed with things. I often panic with anxiety, if I lose my concentration. I think helping my parents has been positive for me. I still live at home, and I need to continue growing.

Lately, I've had thoughts of resentment. I think about not being with my grandparents for over 28 years of my life, that I could have people that really matter closer to me. It makes me feel defenseless, if I consider was only created in my mind. Therefore, I make mistakes based on thoughts I believe might not be true.

I find myself being idealistic about life, like operating my own Starbucks in Porto, or working as a television commentator about sports. The reality is I must try my best to face the things I can do at this time in my life. Realistically speaking, those would not be the right tings for me to do right now!

Knowing I am finished university, I can look forward to bigger and better things.

My Mosiac

After seeing Portugal win in Germany, there was a celebration. I went to Sargent Ave., where I saw a lot of Portuguese people happy with the final outcome of the game.

I had a good week at work. I can only remind myself, how I can look forward to be a great individual.

Bagged Potato

I try my best;
I make myself an asset.
As tired as I am. . .
but the shoe?
I was asked where are my shoes!
I did not hear them drop:
when I hit the floor.

I like to be narrated

There is a sense of not being depressed, that I prefer to enjoy. . . being at peace. My spirit is very concealed, maybe, candid due to my depression.

The times have changed in respect to my feelings of a self regard?

Now that I work, a recent university graduate, I must remember what that achivement means to me. I need this opportunity to examine - as briefly as I can - what the challenge I put myself up to is.

Finding a job where I can further define my independence as an individual, helps renew my credibility and characteristics as a person. It helps to build my confidence, dignity, and increased the level of accomplishment.

Perhaps, this follows how Dr. Gordon meant when he told me I'd feel better about myself. Getting a job was a good step toward freeing myself from my depression. Now, I have a vision that can work for me. One of the bigger things I decided to stop doing, was when I left acting classes with Onalee. I still feel that decision was best, due to the money I would have to spend I rather save for myself. I lost my faith in Onalee. But Dr. Gordon is convinced it is my lack of determintion and consideration for myself that I'm elluding from myself, that is the reason why I stopped pursuing acting.

My reasonable conscious self, as I can only relate to Dr. Gordon's assesment that my sense of purpose was grounded as a result of quitting.

However, I still must continue no matter the consequence. My opinions are not to be validated, I trust my judgment and not anyone else has better advice to offer.

Dr. Gordon asking me to leave his practice untill I decide what I want to achieve, was a case of reality. I need to make sense of the world around me, and I needed to simplify exactly where I stood in order to rectify any potential amount of freedom I possess.

To be honest, the control factor in my behavior on and off of this keyboard spins me around in circles. I hate it, how the memory of me that I must come face to face with is almost confusing to sort everything out, seems unfair. I block those things out I suppose! I really suffer from the explanation part of it, which is the reason I write it out.

I have always had felt neglected, if I couldn't properly express what I felt I have to offer. This seems like non-sense a lot of the time. Dr. Gordon taught me that these types of inhibitions are called "negative thoughts", that give a false interpretation to the external world that sees my behavior.

Tomorrow, I work again. I've thought about the objectives associated with selling merchandise and what affect sales impact my job. I moved into an environment, where I can move ahead and realize all I have done.

My dad wants to sell the family business, and I need to move out of the house (sooner rather than later) although I seek to be happy, I wonder if ruling out moving to Portugal as an option?

Time and effort

I have a lot to express about myself on an empty stomach. Thinking on such a metaphor for the hunger I feel, but without the capacity to reason why.

A great deal has crossed my mind, with regard to my present situation, and dealing with my thoughts I find, I have been scrambling to make sense of?

I guess I should start with my day as it began yesterday, since starting Safeway - my new job - I've had excruciating headaches. It was a stress induced type, where the back of my head formed a small, bulged, pulsating target from where my headaches were.

I have been trying my best to recover, and now the headaches have gone. My concern: was with my headaches and why they related to stress.

I suppose I need to relax.

Live From Berlin

It was a latenight on New Year's Eve;
after leaving the tab for the other passenger to pay
the cab fair.
Thanks for the ride home!
I am obliged to feel this. . .
trusted of.
The night began as it ended:
a negligent few of us
pretended that it wasn't.
That it might be something worth the remaining
time we had left to midnite.
It is said to be true?
Negative thoughts impact your thinking of unlimited potential.
Somehow the identity is a caused reality.
The type of common sense that detected another person's
ignorance or condescending influence I didn't like.
A system of rewards,
where intentions are real,
false inhibitions,
reverse psychology.
All for not.
Like the social class,
apathy hits its target.
My vulnerability would be labelled "too fragile" to touch.
But tough as I am,
I swat the flies from view
and SQUASH.
The mosquito.

Oil Wells

When I sensed the loss of a purpose;
my mind grows weaker.
It retracts from the intensity of a passion!
A renewal of my greater misfortune?
A promise from myself:
that the chains I broke were there only as I imagined.
It was not the chains holding me back,
the tracks of footprints.
Soil beneath.
It is not the material I search for.
It is in every moment.
The changes that I mistake for chance.
This I thought of a common sense in history.
I have not lost my common sense for script writing,
or my common sense for such knowledge in my activities
of performing logic.

Perfected Common Sense

I have taken this reading from the pages of Jose Saramago's latest novels, "The Double". The story features a man, Tertuliano Maximo Afonso who pursues his double Antonio Claro (a.k.a. Daniel Santa Clara / actor) . Tertuliano is a history teacher, working on a project of how to study history from back to front as opposed to conventional methods of why history is taught traditional beginning to end. In Tertuliano's life: he is pursuing his double during the same time. Antonio Claro, is a man that inspires Tertuliano to research movies. This plotted through the narration of these events in metaphor, describe exactly what Tertuliano has been struggling with history. Tertuliano believes that history is a skewed model of the reality we have been caused to live with, regardless of our misconceptions of not questioning why things are the way they are. Part of Tertuliano's search for truth, involves writing Antonio Claro for contact information so that they can speak to each other face to face. The fact Tertuliano embarks on a conscious expidition, somehow relates with a kind of espionage, and ultimately crossing the border between myth and reality. It is a kind of fantasy with a phantom that plays out in Tertuliano's mind? The answer is in Tertuliano's examined approach of his double, that revealed the identity through a historical investigation using the imagination to perform it. An example of Tertuliano's techniques, is when he sits outside from the location where Antonio Claro lives. Sitting outside of the building reflects Tertuliano's inner-conflict, and the building represents Tertuliano's external self.

If asked which of the two, in his opinion, at the point we have now reached, was in charge of the game, he would feel inclined to reply, I am, although he was equally sure that the other man would think he had reason enough to give exactly the same answer if asked the same question. It did not worry him that the phone chosen for the meeting was so far from the city, it did not trouble him that Antonio Claro was intending to go armed, even though he was convinced that, contrary to his assurances, the pistol, because it would in all probability be a pistol, would be loaded. In a way that he himself realized to be totally lacking in logic, rationality, and common sense, he believed that the false beard he would wear would protect him while he was wearing it, basing this absurd belief on the firm idea that he would not take it off when they first met, only later on, when the absolute identity of hands, eyes, eyebrows, forehead, ears, nose, hair, had been agreed to the satisfaction of both.

What I bolded above^ illustrated the important feature of disguising himself, that Tertuliano plays a role in logic, rationality and common sense as the attributes associated with the mask he created.

My homage to safeway

Today.

Joanne has helped me through the Web Based Training module. I have met some good people, and I feel ready to progress. I've developed a sense of urgency toward fulfilling the objectives that I'll be able to handle myself. My duties will include responsibilities in the Produce Dept. and doing Customer Check Out. I can sense in the participation that I have done, gained a good deal of knowledge from the experience. However, in order to continue I must keep thinking about what is expected of me to deliver. I ask myself, what would I do in situations as I develop an appreciation and awareness that remains open yet independant in the work.

My observations are to mirror what expectations are required of me.

The purpose of prepared division

The greed that gives me the strength,
within myself.
A magnetic force that draws me near;
the edge is closer then I predicted it. . .
not that it is true of my inhibition?
I declared of a private thought:
what desire do I pass onto other than myself!
That, I do not feel in fear of no mistake being made.

Sense of Urgency

As my potential increases;
there's common sense:
in everything?
That I can assume. . .
- this
unexpected -
change.
Perfect work habits of, me.
It is the object of privacy
that I am, convinced it is
a must.
This muscular commodity I prepared,
such method myself to honor.

Prehistoric Sadness

I have a handful of uninvited guests;
the disappointed imagination of the few.
But what on earth required dynamite. . .
EXPLOSIVES?
Such an illustration!
The horror of fragile bones,
fossils everywhere:
how precious the thought.
I have a sense of the scent of a lie.

I prepared the ladder

It is with that.
In that apparel?
Sense of urgency!
How we become;
in my sense of self-confidence. . .
that we make contact.
That we:
together we hope -
not for having feared
- the opposite sense of prioritizing.
The collection of I and we in participating.
I am glad, in taking the opportunity.

Not Dropping the Ball

As I get the training-program I need through Safeway, I see the ball is rolling. It is that sense of being in a team that I have been able to flourish, and I can act my best. I suppose it is with that sense of urgency I need to habituate. That being said, the cat is out of the bag. I can work there with the same amount of pleasure and be satisfied with myself, in a good environment for me.

I want to exhibit my attributes and address the characteristics of a positive human being. I feel ready to make these challenges the main priorities that will help focus on accomplishing the objectives expected of me.

I know I can thrive on my skills and do very well with my job. My positions will be in Deli / Produce / and Cashier.

I sense a good feeling about "acting as an owner" in the company. I can experience that this is an opportunity, in learning what are necessary qualifications I can be promoted. It is with a sense of urgency I can be involved and succeed in doing what I am most capable of in my life.

A lot to say

Mom.
There is a power that I cannot underestimate.
I thank you for my life.
Father.
I have a privilege of moving from the moon,
into the imagination of a decent most caring person
as my role model.
Here I am;
washed my hands clean.

I have a feeling. . .

That for the longer I remain,
unsure about what this world has to offer?
I could easily sit back;
without caring!
This suddle operation:
of a very tired man.
- Flipped on its back.
Helpless. -

The future defined

After today, my convocation is something I will always remember as a day that I was free to make myself free again.

I sat next to a fellow graduate, who reminded me of my late aunt Natercia. She was like a blessing in disguise.

Post Graduated

The marathon is over!
After reaching the finish line,
like a entering an orbit filled with
- palm trees that glowed in sunset.
My journey home?
This is what I shall have;
reserved into memory.
Repressed into memory:
of giving myself one last breath of oxygen.
A supply of living on -
living on one last breath, designed.
The grapes of learning.
I earned an imaginary fin on my back.

Convocation Day

This day has finally arrived? I can hardly believe it! The day I officially take hold of my BA in university as a graduate.

The day will be one I cherish, forever.

Honestly, the brightest of my accomplishments.

Scissors / Meaning

I possess: to have
no memory or vague recollection; -
of a very respectful human being?
I accomplished,
to be my own accomplice
- of desire!
We need a concensus not to have
met anyone like you, before.
Getting away with murder I have no loss
of a memory or the fatigue I gained
in the experience.
Hit and run,
all for the contest of popularity.

Safeway

I am beginning to get a good impression, and I wish flourish in my new environment working in Safeway. I will work in the Deli and Produce section of the grocery. I know I can perform well, and I can provide excellent service. I am looking forward to making the most of my talents. I will recieve this opportunity, with the same attitude.

Provoked into being the thought

A thought crossed my mind!
A thought?
That flashed;
into a sense of what I discovered.
My total and undivided attention to look, again.
To reveal that urgency:
of a greater good.
I uncovered the nature of my very own,
an existence that emancipated everything -
and everybody listened as though the earth orbited
into a rose garden. . .
I lead myself into the rose garden.
I think to begin of my discreet channels,
turn while prayed upon.
I created a politician of myself,
by a nose.
These boundaries of which I fight not to find.

Politely in vain

I am going to be there.
But this time,
not without a purpose!
The insecured thought?
The chance of a necessity;
of an awareness that blinks.
A validity:
in the sweet voice of ones mother.
Such is in my vicinity of choice.
I fully supported my error-free judgement,
in the happiness of thought.

My New Job

Tomorrow, I start my new job with Safeway. This is a great opportunity.

For me, I am a unique individual, and master of my own domain.

I will hit the ground running. The sense I have given myself can contribute to my character.
Therefore, I can only hope for the best.

My attributes can renew myself of self esteem and increase my confidence level as an individual. This will add to the impact I feel about myself as a person.

I can continue to search, through my identity, and I will prosper because of it.

In the Zoo-nest

I have retraced my steps,
and located the divine.
My element of nature!
This luxurious environment of,
surprised guests -
not uninvited?
I am a fixture; of the reality.
Like an oscillating fan:
I operated candidly.
Here, I remained.
An inaptitude of passions,
or complacency for hunger.
Famine might and drawed us nearly
apart, together.
That the smell
of birchwood
is of value beneath my feet.
A born alive, natural resource. . .
only made available for our consumption.
Exchanged commodity we, traded.
Of an open wilderness.
It is the presence of fear
that from which I wondered.
In search of an identity
to help uncause myself
a victim.
A victim of chance.
Not victim to necessity.
$ $ $ $
A commodity exchange.
Very modestly.
Most very.
I supply without contempt.
A song without a cleft.
I'm mysteriously shy,
justified in my own right.
Relaxed, from greed comes no need
to want its nature.
The weight of the cosmos,
between a paradox
I golfed a perfect game
for prizes to be awarded.
I was shocked to learn about
- my souls emanation of intellect.
You can hear the sound,
I laughed out loudly.
In memories,
and in song.
I wanted to make a fast impression,
that trusts my language in thought.
It is an impression of no false inhibitions.
A kind of speech of trusted thoughts,
and impressed words through motion.
Hard not to take chances
that I exist.
This rational action of an emotion,
I saw the caged animals
when I visited the zoo.