I would not want to see myself capable of getting in a state of total dispair where the only answer I had were to take my own life.
There is nothing I can say here that can relinquish the mystery (yes - mystery) behind suicide.
I will, however, state herein my objections to the causes of manic depression as an auto-biographical account. This is my story.
August 12th 2014
It is the day after. . .
Robin Williams died yesterday. What I cannot begin to understand is how I never believed in his act. The mask that he wore never fooled me.
It makes me think of how I use to be, a person that never really thought of what other people might think about me - instead I worried about how I affected them.
Today things are different.
Today I see myself as a person that transformed his self image. My change had most to do with what I feel.
I was a person with a free spirit that people who judged me for it, resented how I would act. There is no word for it other than 'jealousy'.
However, I would be deeply effected by how I was able to identify with what others thought of me. (I speak of myself being a risk to their ego, therefore, they would be quick to judge.) This debilitated me greatly. I would shut down my defenses and blame myself for other individuals indifference toward me.
This inability (if that is the right word I want to use here. . .) deprived me greatly. It robbed me of my ability to love myself notwithstanding how others judged my inconsequential behavior.
I am very much like Robin Williams with respect to enabling others, rather than go with how I feel. I would enable others insecurity around me based on their own inadequacy. Not my own inadequacy but how I truly felt without living it as a lie.
So, I would end up internalizing how I felt responsible for what others misconception of me was. Rather than celebrate my attributes, I would disable my efforts of a human nature for fear of being judged. I would only blame myself to the point I would feel it as punitive. That people would want to punish my choices for being truthful, down to earth and caring as factors I would be labelled for.
The result of my depression due to the same people that caused it (my better judgment) took me for granted. My depression became a result of others taking me and my feelings away from me. Rather than transcend the same people of whom affected me on a personal level - I internalized all of it, and it all turned out negative.
I became incapable of trusting others with my real self (worth).
Robin Williams is a testament of that.
I am heroic in that sense.
(end.)
How's it possible that someone can touch millions of people but yet be suffering from severe depression and addiction throughout his life then die from it. Extreme bipolar? I heard once there is a fine line between genius and insanity. It's becoming
believable. Are we as a society looking up to the wrong people. Really starting to lose faith in Hollywood Stars. I suppose stardom has a price.
RIP Robin M. Williams.
Not sure where you were going with the genius vs insanity dichotomy. I know what your intentions were for me to infer from the point you were trying to make, however, I think some less objective reading it would fail.
Genius and insanity do not correlate whatsoever.
There is a huge misconception behind how the average mind no matter how big or how small, will only pass judgment on those that internalize their emotions are also the same individuals who mask their genius. To state otherwise is irresponsible, because (as I mentioned herein) I have been passed judgment in the past 5yrs or so for sharing my thoughts on this medium for being psychotic or demented by the same individuals that make up society at large. Nothing could be further from the truth, so I fight for my cause as hard as I can. This does not make me insane but it does make me a genius.
The line between insanity and genius is blurred.
I would call this a great example of how it needs to be distinguished.
I can guarantee you Robin Williams played his most sacrificial role as a survivor throughout his private life. For that reason he would not change a thing, but I can bet if Williams could - he would trade it all not to endure what painful testimony he felt in life. Feelings are easily chewed up and spat on in a world that many fail to think only matters for themselves.
=========
A response: (August 12th 2014)
You are asking the right question but in the wrong context. Williams had feelings as anyone else could have but never understand it with the same depth that he did. The reaction you are seeing is based on how shallow an
average minded person is, because as soon as something like what happened comes into fruition Williams is romanticized. Meanwhile others that put a band aid on it will holler about suicide prevention but in reality further stigmatize suicide as a disease.
Here is the point: the cause you see happening for Williams are all empty promises that will become nothing but stereotypical of labels, psychotic, demented, suicidal maniacs with no control of their emotions. Ask yourself who will understand that, and none of what Williams did is as important as his feelings. However, no one cared enough. That is the bottom line. In my mind Williams never had someone that would die for him, the same way he would feel for someone else.
MA
Just be sure to remember that Williams had a feeling that he was missing from other people. Having "no one that would die for him" is my use of a metaphor to describe that. Just to clarify.
The correct answer is how do we as human beings create what I
like to characterize as "undying love" toward each other. Think about that, can you establish it in yourself as an ability to love and be loved. Very deep thought, but it is simple enough if you are aware of it.
Well I have learned a lot from this tragedy in the past 48hrs. So we're good mate!
No comments:
Post a Comment