Saturday, July 07, 2012

the fear of knowing

 I've been thinking a lot since class, the significance, in feeling what uncharacteristically, success has to do with virtue.


 how is it we shut down our sense of expressing emotion within the body.


You covered a most difficult subject to focus on, but I gained so much attention to it.


it is how we cause our own connectivity to what is unknowable. You asked each of us, if we were ready to own up to rejecting.


rejecting what we most want, that what we most want is an illusion at best.


 can we see the fear living in us, not before we need to feel validated.


 there is beauty in what you speak. I am not afraid of it anymore - anymore then concealing what the truth is.


 the truth is in my explanation. That what you have in your heart is to be kept safe. It is the nature of true vulnerability.


so much of what you do, involves emotive achievement. That what truth lives as emotion demands respect.


Can you create, in recreating yourself go to remain grounded, therefore retaining your own capability to express truth.


that to search for truth, the truth cannot be manipulated from outside forces. Emotion is what decides, driving the experience.


emotions which can only be blocked, as I have hit a wall. I call it an analytic fabric which constrains me. Truth is emotion.


 all this time I've been hitting a wall. I must change that, you have challenged me to.


 I do not fear your inner beauty, I fear not knowing it myself.


 I know I can do the scenes you give me. You have been right all along.


 My body has been telling you differently.


you have been right about me all this time.


your search for truth, what is life altering. Just watching you describe Michelle Williams I ate up. It all makes sense now.


 I used to be exactly like you, a person of great free will, that produced great abundance of joy.\


I only allowed others to take advantage of me, until I realized I was no longer safe anymore.


 but there is always a desire to get back what has been taken from you, that worldly desire to change the world around you.


I have taken aim, I'm aiming at the stars as if it's the first time I've experienced.


That is the beauty in acting, can you go back to the same time you were most vulnerable and change the outcome yourself.


 that's what you saw in Michelle Williams. You could feel yourself being misdirected. Acting is not about miscalculation.


 u asked us in class, are we totally committed as actors, that u openly reject how others commit themselves to. Can u see it.



4 comments:

BigC said...

Can there focus, if am I rejected as an actor, though my commitment not to feel inferior as a human being.

Through this medium of art, that is the true nature of true vulnerability. Can you seek the truth.

That was a huge problem for me in the scene with Aisha, I couldn't perform my truth. That is a divine secret.

I wanted to project my truth, but I couldn't. My fear of the truth consumed my guilt. I couldn't act it.

I forgot about my tragedy as a person, who can't deal with true vulnerability. Where does emotion come from.

Truth, true emotion takes not acting it, but living it whole, entirely.


That is the art.

BigC said...

I knew my lines onalee, I was afraid to go there, to that divine secret, I call knowing what the truth takes.

what takes genuine emotion, real, inspired is the most difficult thing I've ever had to live. I've been fighting for it.

Fighting for it my whole life. It's exactly how you described Michelle Williams.

BigC said...

I pissed off Darren for that comment I made re; wanting to be liked. . . it gave him motivation to later do his scene.

It's so weird how people get motivated. Terry brought it to the scene as well. My scene with Chantal was just clumsy work.

I will not believe that acting is about poisoning a wealth of one's divine secret. It's a matter of unearthing it within.

I truly believe acting is a divine symbol of the arts. I know this is true.

I have to go to that place of divine nature, where the true belief of acting takes place.

There is no nature in divinity, the soul is a creation of divinity, the same way divinity creates memory.

there is truth in acting the soul, nature is a creation of divinity.

BigC said...

When I had faced the scene with Aisha, I felt exposed as a human being, before I shut down as an actor.

I had never felt so vulnerable as a person that way before. I forgot myself as an actor. That never happened to me.

I felt shame, guilt, embarrassment, but I let myself feel it, I was in a total state of self awareness, I wasn't going to hide.

I had to stay there, and feel my fear as the cause of not being able to act. Have you ever been that way.

now that I am trying to deal with it, there is so much I rather not hide, terrified of pursuing the truth in acting.


I had to make it here onalee, or I'd be just another actor trying to fake my way through it, sharing my struggle. I'm sorry.