There is something incredibly unattractive about life, that being, I am desperate for an answer. My inhibitions might seem unfair or too hard on myself for that lack of knowledge? However, I am completely unaware of what I need to do for myself. After 8+ years of doing everything in my power to transform my life, I feel, that I've failed in doing. It is a self-defeatist mentality that seems I am ready to give-in to. I seriously feel lost in the recent episode that is my life. I have done everything not to feel sorry for myself, but to try and prevent this kind of thing from happening. Yet, here I am dealing with my worst fears. The one thing I feared the most, which is, to be unhappy with my life. I have nothing. It is my worst fear come true, instead of the world I imagined that might be worth living in.

Unfortunately, there's not much I can say that puts a smile on my face lately. The one positive I might confess to is about taking a new lease on life? Recently having quit my first full time job would be the reason. On a side note: I took it upon myself to stand on a weight scale. As of this week I weigh as much as I did over 8 years ago. More importantly what am I going to do next? I've tried so hard to do the best that I can. What I feel is completely undeserving, unwanted, failure as result of my efforts. There is no better way to describe it to myself at this point. It is terribly difficult not to be negative during this time; I should be trying everything to keep things positive. I feel that faith in myself is all I have left in me. Nothing else.

If I were to present reality as I see it, I am not qualified to do something that requires skill. My actors training is all I have. I sit here without any satisfaction to lead my life. It is a terrible - terrible feeling. However, I have no choice but to be honest.

I am not going to be somebody who cuts himself short, by settling for any type of job "that nobody else wants." I want to work, but with a clear sense of independence. I care to be somebody that enjoys getting up in the morning. The past 8+years of my life just haven't added up to it, yet I've done everything in my power trying to realize it without success.

arrested development

There are only four questions of value in life, What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.

I simply cannot comprehend myself in such a moment of seizure within my soul. I read the last entry and it speaks so much of me that is true. I needed peace and the kind of self-acceptance that I seeked seems so far out of reach right now? My grief is so intense I forget about life.

Maturity

If I am a fighter, I am not weak.
If I want a laptop, it does not make my life complete.
If I care about the questions I ask, answers do not matter.
If the truth is very confusing, there is still my self respect.
If the worst insult I can think of were true, it only adds to my injury.

All of these are things that money cannot buy.
I wish enemies admired.

I am glad about the things that I am not.
The things that no longer apply to me.

Depression is one of those things.

For the longest time, I was afraid to move due to my illness.
Today, I look back at the debilitating part of my life and it scares me.
I feel sadness and empathy for myself due to the unhappiness of my experience.
Experience which I did not deserve, but failed to be aware of it.

Those are scary thoughts.