It's late. Marco is tired. I had good chicken tonight.

The worst part about feeling depressed is about not knowing why. I asked myself this question earlier today. I suppose it's because I blame myself too often for things. As result, I feel bad about myself (. . . for that reason things that are out of my control are what cause my depression.)

I've always been a person that has put others ahead of myself. This part of my nature: is my most debilitating part of my personality. My instincts are impartial in how I choose to interact with the world, my thoughts + my rationality are what make me 'human'. I care "too much" therefore my emotions make up my self-concept. In other words, I want the experience to be an emotional one in order to trust what intentions are in another individual. for that reason - it is my fear of letting people take advantage of me. I deeply involve myself with my sense of inner-conflict. I describe my depression as a desire to truly express what feel gets blocked due to external circumstances. Therefore, this prevents me - my psychological nature - from expressing what those feelings mean in real time.

For example: there is a person I will only describe as someone I do not care for. To make a long story short - this same individual I am referring to makes me exhibit my inner being with resentment/ hostility/ anger. It is better I completely avoid this person, simply because I know that emotionally I cannot connect with. Therefore, I refuse to compensate for this persons actions - no matter what this person does - I simply cannot condone in the presence of such a person. This makes a part of my emotional self. It is a state of extreme caution I must take.

Everything about this person makes me want to vomit.

As much as I would like this person to change, I continually blame myself for this. What results is that I have negative thoughts that exist, pertaining to my "psychological-choices", these negative thoughts work against me on a personal level. Physically, I cannot connect with this person whatsoever! There is so much mentally going on, that this person I object to so whole-hearted, I refuse the purpose they exist.

On a meta-physical level, people would agree that my own worst enemy is myself. However, I must admit there is another side in what this reveals. In short: the permanent part of my character inhibitions: (i.e. The part of my caring nature = that I feel gets rejected, or neglected is not due to my lack of self-concept.) What I believe, is people over-compensate for themselves (in a manner of speaking) have self-concept without considering the other person.

Much of my adult life has felt as if I'm a stranger, it is a crowded place, and I have nowhere to turn to.

My job is exteremly unsatisfying. Brain is dead. Feel very tired.

There are many parts of me that I only fail to realize are important. Much is left to be desired, I suppose, happen to be the most imperfect parts of my personality. What I begin to realize, is how little I actually know.

This week. . .

my visit with a friend went completely sour on me. In fact: I would hasten to add I thought I was making this visit something worth my while, but it turned out not to be true. Instead, I Was met with insensitivity - followed by a cold outburst of emotion - that I still can't comprehend? For that reason, I alone would probably be better off not knowing.

Therefore, it is up to me from this point onward to reveal some of the things that interact in my environment on a surface level. My position in the company that employs me is not a dream job by any means. However, my probabtionary period has ended. Now, I officially become an employee with earning benefits.

For the most part, I am less happy than I would like to be.