Coffee. . . over exceptional quality

A buried supernatural intensity -
discovery?
Blended,
rich,
distinct flavor
of a distant memory.
A passion fulfilled with delicacy
it drips to the core.
The human mind is in perfect company,
drowning into that silky-latte.
Please -
please remember me dark pool of soul,
as my lips brace for the fine entry of this substance.
A shinning glimmer in my eyes.
A sense of vision which is reminding me to savor
such bold flavor.
A taste so entranced.
Magnificantly smooth.
I do admire how I must savor every last word,
delicate in nature.
How I hate not to draw from such attention.
However, I am quite a marvelous fanatic
when it comes to sharing.
Alien canary sing!
Style over Starbucks,
and potential philosophies we reveal.
A choice it sounds misread,
a choice it sounds misheard,
a choice it sounds mistunderstood.
Today I celebrate my passion.
A voice uninterrupted.
A life more misinterpreted.
I represent no superficial union.
To calculate my connetion of a shadowy figure.
No cure,
no cares,
no concern.
Only the cost of living with change in my pocket.
A finite paradox of paradise once lost is found,
and for a brief moment in history I am entitled to benefit.
From this recourse of imagination,
I enter a feast without starving.

There is something incredibly unattractive about life, that being, I am desperate for an answer. My inhibitions might seem unfair or too hard on myself for that lack of knowledge? However, I am completely unaware of what I need to do for myself. After 8+ years of doing everything in my power to transform my life, I feel, that I've failed in doing. It is a self-defeatist mentality that seems I am ready to give-in to. I seriously feel lost in the recent episode that is my life. I have done everything not to feel sorry for myself, but to try and prevent this kind of thing from happening. Yet, here I am dealing with my worst fears. The one thing I feared the most, which is, to be unhappy with my life. I have nothing. It is my worst fear come true, instead of the world I imagined that might be worth living in.

Unfortunately, there's not much I can say that puts a smile on my face lately. The one positive I might confess to is about taking a new lease on life? Recently having quit my first full time job would be the reason. On a side note: I took it upon myself to stand on a weight scale. As of this week I weigh as much as I did over 8 years ago. More importantly what am I going to do next? I've tried so hard to do the best that I can. What I feel is completely undeserving, unwanted, failure as result of my efforts. There is no better way to describe it to myself at this point. It is terribly difficult not to be negative during this time; I should be trying everything to keep things positive. I feel that faith in myself is all I have left in me. Nothing else.

If I were to present reality as I see it, I am not qualified to do something that requires skill. My actors training is all I have. I sit here without any satisfaction to lead my life. It is a terrible - terrible feeling. However, I have no choice but to be honest.

I am not going to be somebody who cuts himself short, by settling for any type of job "that nobody else wants." I want to work, but with a clear sense of independence. I care to be somebody that enjoys getting up in the morning. The past 8+years of my life just haven't added up to it, yet I've done everything in my power trying to realize it without success.

arrested development

There are only four questions of value in life, What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.

I simply cannot comprehend myself in such a moment of seizure within my soul. I read the last entry and it speaks so much of me that is true. I needed peace and the kind of self-acceptance that I seeked seems so far out of reach right now? My grief is so intense I forget about life.

Maturity

If I am a fighter, I am not weak.
If I want a laptop, it does not make my life complete.
If I care about the questions I ask, answers do not matter.
If the truth is very confusing, there is still my self respect.
If the worst insult I can think of were true, it only adds to my injury.

All of these are things that money cannot buy.
I wish enemies admired.

I am glad about the things that I am not.
The things that no longer apply to me.

Depression is one of those things.

For the longest time, I was afraid to move due to my illness.
Today, I look back at the debilitating part of my life and it scares me.
I feel sadness and empathy for myself due to the unhappiness of my experience.
Experience which I did not deserve, but failed to be aware of it.

Those are scary thoughts.

Square One

It is hard to fathom my reality as a 30 year old man that I am. The fact for what it's worth is I'm driven more by failure. If the opposite were true, I'd probably be the most successful person I know! On the other hand, perhaps I am blind in when it comes to what defines success or failure as it were. What I can talk to is myself in pursuit of what truly defines my character? Is success the measure of my dignity? What have I hoped to had accomplished in terms of failure? To me, the one true asset that makes me distinct has been my unmistakable character. I do not deny the truth, which is why as I look back into my past, like it was yesterday. My intuition is as clear as a sunny day, when I use to think how distinguished and respected I would become. I would dream of it in such high spirit. I can live those moments as if they happened only a minute ago. Today, I am 30 years old. Now, I live a moment of truth, that for some reason or other hasn't quite happened as of yet. It makes me wonder about where my curiosity came from so long ago. Had it completely vanished that I still recall the exact same feelings as I thought of it some time when I was 20-something? Have I reached my peak?

Through everything I've been through, the assets of such a younger man seem as if this is just a reality check. However, I love that person who believed in what future lay ahead for me. I was a strong, well-liked person, with a sense of will-to-succeed that emancipated the core of my soul. Come to think of it, back then I probably didn't care to realize how gifted a man I would be that could possibly describe such as myself an individual. There is irony in all of this after all!

A purpose I serve is in fighting for what I have never really left me. I can give myself credit for that dating back those years past.

Marco was not wrong about myself after all.

The Power of Logical Thinking

There are some things about life from which I may never fully come to understand. I realize that in order to accept my reality, there is a lot to consider than what may lay beneath the surface. The outer world I live in and make a part of seems as trivial to myself now as it did for me when I first tried to make sense of the world around me, I suppose the real difference being, there's never been one straight answer for what all of this might signify. When I start to think about where I've gone, my thoughts travel instantly to where I've come from. To answer the first part, I must look back in search for my true inspiration to find necessity. This time-travel is not delusional on my part, it is necessary I recollect the past in my effort. For instance, I used to find limitations within my surroundings: as if the external part of my being would only limit me from becoming what I truly desired most. Now, looking back at that time seems much clearer to me than it did before. In short, did my experience not happen? Of course it did! (I was only not aware of it.) My point being questions of this nature are parallel to me without the cost of confusing myself.

This all speaks to me about, what changes have I made in my life that I've chosen to endure. Somehow, the poetry or the acting all mean so little to me, yet I never realized why I decided to consume the depression I suffered as result of many years of self-destructing habits. I need to change my ways, and I did what I needed to intuitively so. My greatest aspirations were ambitious in changing, adapting, transforming the inner part of my psyche into a magical sort of disguise. I was only unaware of it myself - being the challenge I somehow knew I had to undertake.

Today, I can see how important my decisions have become.

I'm reading an intriguing book as of late on the subject of happiness. I believe it inspires me, because I am worth it.

Transition into my livlihood as an adult

The best way to describe the kind of feelings I have presently are in a word: unsettling. It reminds me of the worst parts of my life up to now. Presumably, I could have titled this personal entry, "Transition into my life as an adult: not an easy task" or "Avoiding how to be an adult: the fear of growing up" - or - "No one said it'd be okay to be on-again-off-again: Marco's manual to a permanent holiday" - or - "The Perfect Guide: From past to present everything you need to do but never thought it'll ever apply to you" - or - "Growing up too fast (. . . while you fall behind.)" I have no idea where I should go with this meaning. My point being, that through the pain and struggle I've felt I've endured, I seriously thought there'd be more to my life. However, as is the case I am working in an environment that demands I work full-time hours during a midnight shift no questions asked on a regular basis. Is this to much to expect from myself as an adult, or am I giving too much of myself to a cause that supposedly is a measure of my success? After all, the "privileges" I must own, are through choices I must make + create for myself in society.

In short, this entire entry is either a rant without a trace of satisfaction, mixed together with self-indulgence, self-pity, and boredom.

As of today, the work I do is resulting in co-workers I do not trust nor respect. The managements idea of promoting group-cohesion is non-existent in implementing good strategies among it's co-workers but are blind to bottom-line "low cost" production. In short - my work-place is a monster-monopoly that cares about little else within promoting a positive ethical framework within the organization.

Now, the point I am making with regards to myself as an adult is not to be used vaguely. Nor is it my duty in signalling something ambiguous that really doesn't appear as reality. On the contrary. As I've become what I am today, my message here is simple: do I care about myself enough that my awareness of a situation as in my workplace? The answer is yes.

I want to focus on concentrating on the positive things I can control as an entity myself. It is my right. Therefore, the paradox I'm currently in do I want to be somebody who takes action or the kind of person that exhibits no solution which the consequences as I see them are. This is type of condition my heart has developed no matter how much I feel betrayed with regard to my psyche. In my mind, I have ability to keep challenging myself into moving further ahead of the game, going in the same direction that enables me to turn next. There are no ultimatums involved, or influences that speak candidly to me in my future as an adult, these are some of the valuable things I have learned to participate in without any other reason.

I am by no means an expert in success but know I have an idea about what being an adult entails. However, I am not going to stand by and watch the time pass without my use of discretion informing my better judgement. That is what being an adult means to me.

Outlawed Insomnia

From the distance of the moon,
you might find me waiting.
The glowing light shinning down above me.
A great presence that fills me with delight.
A pale moonlight in the sky.
A perfect taco shaped memory.

I am frustrated in trying to find my place in life. What I feel I've become, doesn't make sense. It's a realization of how the world has changed.

Marco is not going bald

When I think about the pain, anguish or suffering I've experienced, it's all supposed to mean something. The mystery that's unravelled has seemed to be not worth the wait for wear. However, I never really knew what I was to expect. Today, after ears of having been through university made me realize how much little truly materialized. It makes me wonder if I should have taken some time to travel as reward for my graduating from university? Instead, I was eager to be on my way without really giving myself any thought. Therefore, the choice I made was one of relief, that I was able enough to survive the struggles I faced in university.

I remember a time my confidence was met with indifference. A lot has changed since then, and that is the purpose of this message I write. Perhaps, I needed to gain ground upon losing touch with my inner self. I need to reconnect with my soul, that once had so much promise, I literally ran on my faith alone.

Somewhere along the line, I lost touch with the faith I had of myself. It was a blind faith. However, it was the kind of faith that only I know I possess within me.

Two songs come to mind, "She's fresh - fresh. . . exciting." is part of the chorus. The other song goes like this, "This is how we do it - it's Friday night." Those songs remind me of the time I was connected without a care in the world. It's what I call 'old school'. It was a time I felt alive. A time that looking back, tells me I've done a lot of good things in my life. That I can still be that same person, or better still, I am that person. . . the truth is I've developed a change of heart.

My change of heart I'm referring to is trying to re-connect with that time I've lost. I can re-evaluate what I've become today, established with where I've come from. That is an invaluable lesson to have learned.

The part of me that has come to realize I still am connected, is combined with the alter-ego of mine. The part of me that says: I deserve more. The reason for this is my present job. I think to myself, why did I attend university? I'm working for a company I never even heard of, being paid hourly wage on a night-shift premium. What did I do to deserve that? As I begin to realize what my common sense is telling, that the truth is I expected coming from university meant life stopped where my diploma hangs. In reality, I must still work for whatever it is I do.

Dr. Gordon summed it up best for me last week, "Life isn't so bad."

I am having serious doubts about where I'm working, I don't know how much longer I should wait before looking for work elsewhere.

Happiness is something very fragile these days. I'm growing, but less and less happy because of what I see about myself. I don't consider myself 'happy' with what I'm becoming. The main reason for this unhappiness is more dealing with my position in regards to work + identity. I've tried to resist the Internet, that's taken so much of my time and energy that put into it. Now I realize the Internet became an addiction that truly emancipated my weaknesses. I hate the Internet now. It's ironic that this is my only cource of refuge in terms of expressing myself. This is the sad truth.

Conditional Discharge

The choices I've made have a consequence. As result it is my feeling I have taken hold onto a short end of the stick. Instead, I'm working within a company that has just hired me as a full-time employee working on the night shift selection team. All I can allow myself to admit, are due to the choices I've made. Nothing can turn me off from that. It seems as if my bleeding heart makes up for none of it, no matter how hard I wish it could. I rather blame everyone else but me, yet, I have no sense of other purpose in my life. I feel stuck in the direction I'm heading.

Even worse, is that no matter how sad I am about myself, that doesn't change anything. I want to care about myself, without thinking that anything else matters. I literally hated seeing other people that were at a party over the week-end, I wish I could be happier - but somehow I felt forgotten. It was as though I was out of place. I look back at a person I use to be among those same group of peers, and that I use to act without a care in the world. Things have drastically shifted in the time that's passed.

Today I found out that my supervisor is connected to some people who I despise. My feelings of animosity where I work were only reinforced due to this information that blind-sided me. Instead, I must continue to work and earn a living! The members of this company have made it a monopoly. I feel the one true reason my supervisor asked me to work with the company, is due to the fact he did a favor for my dad?

There is a void inside of me, my internal conflict is a void that runs deep within my psyche. I've done a lot of work in trying to escape from it completely. I suppose this is why Dr. Gordon is ready to give up on trying to help me with a diagnosis. During my last visit, all but confirmed Dr. Gordon's intent was to about to change without really updating me on it until the time is right for him to tell me, "There's really nothing else I can do for you. You're reluctance is what's getting the the best of you, there's no more time or effort to put to waste because you've refused to accept the challenge, instead you've calculated everything. In fact, you've made a point of not testing your limits in terms of how far you can reach. We cannot stretch this any further, our interviews are done."

I have no idea how to put this into any other context. Instead, I have to 'own' the truth that I made a choice. From what I observed Dr. Gordon has put himself in my shoes, and he sees I've decided to make other choices. The problems I've faced in dealing with these choices are consequences I am still struggling to cope with.

For instance, this past week-end I was feeling anxious being in an environment of former friends. People I am not use to seeing on a regular basis, as I replay the images in my mind, all I feel is a sense of contempt about those people. I simply cannot believe this has been my 'choice' (as Dr. Gordon has taught me to deal with):

a) because I made a choice follows. . .
b) I must deal with the consequence + result regardless of whether the outcome is right or wrong.

The struggle is completely arduous. I feel no self worth, and my self-esteem is so degrading, I cannot face the people I am filled with contempt for I have a voice that only wants to confess how much I despise them.

My point in all of this as I ask myself 'why'? Why is this so hard, and why must I go through this?

Another example of my discretion happened over the Thanksgiving holiday, during our dinner party. There is a person I dislike that attended the dinner, only because I feel judged by this said individual. To make a long story short, I must for my better sake tune him out. Unfortunately, the said individual I find to be completely at odds with, suggests his behavior serves total disregard for anyone else.

It is this type of opinion I continue to deal with, in search for an answer, but I am hardly able to find.

Matthew Good. Hospital Music.

I have listened to this album in its entirety. Unfortunately, it is the single most pretentious album of his collection in making music. The product itself is engaging enough for the average listener. However, the meaning behind the message as Matt Good would convey as 'personal' or 'intimate' tell a different story. A man which claims he has 'nothing to hide' because he's lying through his teeth about how naive and impressionable he thought of is ex-wife is a mockery of true vulnerability. It makes the music less endearing to the ear. In fact, selling out his fans is the truth in all of this, the ones (such as myself) who've fallen off of the wagon, from what the former mgb-band was all about have all disappeared. Matt Good vanished over night, when he decided it was more important to make things appear as though announcing his bi-polar disorder somehow would save his career. Sadly enough, through the so-called irony that is present in the life of Matt Good. . . it probably serves him right.

P.S. Note: facebook is a gimmick. The machine is called the Internet. You decide.

Thanksgiving day in Canada

There is a lot to be thankful for, especially with the health in my family, we are stronger together as we've ever been before. We are blessed. I am happy about that. I also feel stronger in the relationships I've developed involved with Tanya, and seeing how much happier things have gone in my sister's new found relationship with Chris.

So much of what I've felt recently has taken its toll and to say the very least can only be described as arduous. The tasks I've undergone in order to survive some of the worst fears I've experienced have come full circle. I have gone to therapy in the capacity I need to cope with some guidance given, that I've learned to 'own' my thoughts, in action, as I must fully accept those are choices I make myself. The "I living to succeed" Marco. The Marco I used to avoid, but getting better at least trying to accept things I would altogether rather not.

Before anything else happens between Dr. Gordon and myself, I get the feeling Dr. Gordon has seen the last of me? What that entails is, I'm beginning to think that Dr. Gordon wants me to do things on my own. I suppose he's right. If what I believe is the case, I am merely preparing myself in a context of what I might expect in that case.

I understand the meaning of making choices, even if they are right or wrong, I must accept myself as the beneficiary of those consequences whether I like it or not. That is the single most valuable lesson I can attribute learning from as a human being.

I am seriously questioning my position in life right now. First I take into account how I suffer at my present place of employment. It is a feeling which I describe as discouragement. Through completing my first week since officially being hired; I've witnessed some issues I have with several of the other workers. My main issue is of trust with the more 'experienced' people who've been working with the company longer. I feel borderline discriminated against as a result of the people which fit into that bracket in large part, are also the one's who make more money. Consequently, this creates a competitive environment based on monetary capital which the company induces with an incentive program. Therefore, the incentive program promotes divisiveness among it's employees. Of course, I am no exception to the rules and it is for this reason a sense of apathy is involved within the company. It is also for this reason, those who fail to see this yet demonstrate the idea are not aware of how this affects performance on an equal level. This indicates a lack of leadership within the organization as a whole.

On a separate level, the supervisor that I directly report to has made a habit of giving priority to the more senior employees in the same division of the company I work in. (I make a part of the selection crew.) As of today, our company's incentive program is as follows:

If we select an average quota of 1000 pieces per shift work - without making an errors (i.e. mistakes = miscounting the item) this factors into 20. cents per case. If the selector makes no errors they can also earn an extra 50$ bonus.

What I argue is that it's impossible for every individual that contributes to the company's selection crew, that this entire group responsible for selecting the orders will pick 1000 pieces each shift. Therefore, this follows the selection process directly influences my own potential earning power. My argument is that the senior selectors have made a habit of picking orders (within the companies guidelines) meeting the criteria necessary. As result directly effects my lower picking bracket, and I also argue reflects on my performance. The reason I suggest this is because the margin of errors I produce are at a much higher risk due to my inexperience. However, because the senior type of selectors have made it a habit to increase there numbers of picking orders, my area for improvement is without a doubt lower than expected. There is no such authority to anticipate or manipulate my cause for concern, it will always be indicative of senior selectors being able to limit my own rate-of-success. I simply cannot put it any clearer.
In fact, I do not confuse this argument with my ability or confidence, it only means I question whether working for this company within this structure (the way it is set in MY words) is worth competing in? These are serious questions, that I would consider are infallible.

Especially when you consider how the company wants it's selectors to succeed, this in turn, does not quite measure up to expectations within the selecting-process among the co-workers. Of course, it is a blind irony (. . . as I mentioned earlier) promotes apathy we are unaware of as a group. Therefore, resulting in 'blind' apathy which can be seen but not heard. For example: within the company, there are blind among us leading the blind. I hope I have made myself clear in this matter. Again, I cannot put myself any simpler than that.

It is indicative of many issues present within this organization. It stems from leadership issues in resource management. I would welcome the opportunity if this letter establishes clarity within the company in offering solutions to ratify these problems. The purpose would be to share, and perhaps ratify these aspects in particular in lieu of some verification.

Smile Marco Smile

I had a decent nights work since I began my shift yesterday @8pm. Today is Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, I must confess that the 'taking time to reflect' + 'giving thanks' has something to do with my thought processes as of this moment.

So much to describe in such short detail, I believe I can deliver my message of hope in some former-to-present statement.

The truth is. . . I walked out of a small coffee junction on Corydon. Ave. in Winnipeg during my afternoon out with Tanya. All I remember is exiting the premesis with my natural smile on my face. More importantly: there I was smiling while I witnessed someone in direct view of me caught a small sampling of myself. A portion of my true uncandid self, openly sharing something without hiding any of what I had to offer. Not because the person who was there and saw me, but because the entire moment I had experienced became worth how unconsciously aware we both were staring straight at each other. It really was a neat thing to see myself in such a beautiful kind of space. Even writing about it seems sureal enough to notice just how really special it was for me in particular. I would go as far to say I loved myself for an unexpected visit to my inner-self. A check-in at the heart I knew exists inside.

I heavily gaurd my feelings and emotions in such a manner, I must confess works dead against me. Perhaps, it is the reality I choose not to face fear head on, when in truth, the reality I have to offer is not in vain after all. These words are a perfect example of an epiphany in the life of Marco.

It all draws me back to my week-end, as I begin the week at my job Sun. - Thur. every week.

The flash backs to Dr. Gordon's office.
My mom accusing me of being only filled with 'hate'.
The event on Sat. night which I attended with Tanya.

So much of what I can now know is happening to me stems from this week-end. My mental state is stable as its ever been in terms of coping with my emotional set-backs, which also entail feelings of mass confusion surrounding my outer self.

First: my emotions are completely internal. What happens on the 'outside' is what I cannot control.

Second: My feelings are in connection to the reality that's taking place constantly - on a daily level - though I cannot control the environment around me - what I observe affects me due to my necessary limits. (i.e. method in thinking = cost benefit analysis) In other words, the way I think (e.g. about myself) not only does it influence the way that I act, but also relates to why I feel the way I do. I am the cause of those emotions.

Third: Everyhting I've contributed in making my observations re; ^my first+second 'choices' both are in reference to what I've learned in my therapy + consultations with Dr. Gordon.

I firmly believe Dr. Gordon knows I can take control of my own destiny, both inner-conflicts + psychological well-being, instead of relying on his 'shelter' for my lack conscious desire to make up the effort necessary to succeed on my own. The most practical deviation from Dr. Gordon's practice has been 'OWNING' = my emotions. In a way I've spent the past 10 years (I'm not even kidding here) in attributing myself with such critical thinking skills. I can now say I am willing to take that next step in the challenge if there are many in the road ahead?

Especially due to the fact I've made a habit in avoiding things, I must take responsibility when dealing with circumstances:

a) if reacting to things with the same amount of 'confidence' . . . follows. . .
b) 'confidence' I have in taking place of my emotional self.

Both 'a+b' = consequences. Therefore, if consequences - therefore understanding. Therefore, if understanding, then - solutions.


The main difficulty I've had to face is in search of my identity. The identity I once had, that somehow I must relate to in a caring + pure manner of being true to myself. Those are the emotions I once neglected for fear of pursuing a greater me. This is me!